Very Disheartened And Tired

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by kenmtb, Jun 15, 2014.

  1. Hi-
    I have been under a VERY dark cloud for decades. I was saved years ago and desire to know GOD but I can not feel his presence. Just fear, punishment, regret, anger and loneliness. Most of the canned responses I have seen are along the lines of: "GOD has a plan" [really? what? where?, so far it is painful]', "You are loved"[don't feel it, just fear and shame], "Trust" [Trust is so vague. Things can still get worse].......

    Please forgive me for being honest but:
    Christian life seems full of suffering, battling given instincts, abstaining, being tested, loneliness. Everything is a sin. I could go on but the point is I do not see the joy in life. I do not want to be condemned for making the wrong choice in a life I never wanted. Intense praying and heartfelt repentance have not seemed to make a difference. There is no guarantee that tomorrow will not be much worse. Sometimes it is. Most of the responses/advice I see are worn out cliches.

    I have accepted our LORD as my only savior and read the bible but I have felt cold, lonely and punished all my life. I'm just out of energy and SICK of hearing the same old cliches. Very sorry for negative ranting. Thank you for listening.
  2. #2 aha, Jun 15, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2014
    what makes it more interesting is that you underlined it as well....

    Asking others for forgiveness for being honest....

    A question, hope you don’t mind, just a thought, an impression: seems you are in a habit of asking other their forgiveness...

    have you in the habit as well of giving others your forgiveness?
    kenmtb likes this.
  3. #3 TezriLi, Jun 15, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2014
    Ken, what can we say? You've sought help and advice from people, but it has not been enough. Believe it or not, I understand. I cannot claim that I understand you, but I understand the situation from my own point of view. I get it.

    I was depressed from the time I had any understanding of any kind until the age of 42. I had some issues with doing dangerous things because I just dared death and didn't care. And one day, I attempted suicide three times -- obviously unsuccessfully. But the point I want to make here is that this all ended when I was 42. Without help from the old church -- rather, they made things worse. Without help from the many counselors I saw -- one of whom (the last one) slept through our sessions. With some help from the books I read.

    But the point is: It ENDED!! And now, I am 65. I have had 23 years of BEAUTIFUL FREEDOM!!!

    I want, for you, your freedom.

    There are people here who will pray; I am one of them.

    Keep talking to us. Laying it out in writing will help you look things over as you write them and as you reread them. This helps. Get down to the nitty gritty of the whys and present them, individually to G-d.

    And one of the things that really helped me was particular journaling. This is what I did that helped:
    I divided the journal into two parts: a thankfulness side and a side for things I was not happy about. And I demanded that I write two things on each side daily. Different things each time. Here's what happened: I eventually ran out of unhappy things to write down. Seriously. Just couldn't think of anything more and had to give up. Good night, what a boost in morale that was. And what a shock! I had to let that sink in, while I continued, although slowly and with difficulty, to think of things for which I was grateful. But I had to face up with the fact that I had more to be grateful for than for things for which I was upset.

    Eventually, I just quit trying to write about things I was angry about and wrote about things for which I was grateful. Sometimes, I had to get up and MAKE something for which to be grateful, in order to write. But that was a good thing! Sometimes, we have to purposely go out and make our own happiness! And I did, then I came home and wrote this in my thankfulness journal. That, too was a lesson! Sometimes, it was a simple walk in the sand by the ocean. Sometimes, it was taking my flute down to a stream and playing. Sometimes, it was doing something extra special with my children. A trip. Seeing beauty that was unique.

    Oh, Ken, I could go on and on! But I will stop there, lest I overwhelm you . . . .
    kenmtb, Heart_for_Christ and christianbacktobasics2 says Amen and like this.
  4. #4 CCW95A, Jun 15, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2014
    Ken, once you became a child of God, you became a main target for the god of this world to make your life the most miserable, to where you have no hope of escape. Satan wants you to just give up and throw in the towel. He knows once you see your hope of Glory his Kingdom is doomed. The joy of seeing Jesus Christ crowned with glory, and Honor is very contagious to others, and spreads like wild fire. I can see you have hung in there a long time and have not given up your faith. It's time for the Lord relight your candle to where it will shine brightly before all. The Lord knows your struggles and every thing you have been through, yet your faith remains sturdy, even though there might have been times you might have wavered. You are not alone in your struggles, every thing that effects you effects the Church.
    My "canned response" to you would be to pray this prayer to the Lord every day, and thank him for it. It has changed my life the day I began praying it. The Apostle Paul prayed this every day for the Church.

    Eph 1:15 For this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints,
    Eph 1:16 I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers,
    Eph 1:17 that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him,
    Eph 1:18 having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints,
    Eph 1:19 and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might

    Father, I thank you for the Spirit of Wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of you, and I thank you Father for enlightening the eyes of my heart that I might see the hope of your calling, and thank you Father for revealing to me what is the riches of your inheritance that you have have in me. Show me Heavenly Father what is that great power that you have placed in me which is your Glory, when you demonstrated that power when you raised up Jesus Christ from the dead.
    kenmtb likes this.
  5. I think what you need is the simple reassurance of what God has truly done. He put Christ on the cross so you don't have to endure the punishment.

    Why do you fear? You should Love. Why do you feel punished? God has punished Christ. Why regret? You can change. Why are you angry? You are saved. Why do you feel alone? You have God at your side.

    Point is, you need to remember that God has saved us apart from any works we've done. There shouldn't be any stress or anxiety. Just call upon the Lord and he will help you.

    If you are truly feeling all these things, bring them to Jesus, and tell him you are weak. God gives grace to the humble.
    God is Love likes this.
  6. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I know a lot of folks are going through their own struggles.
    The reason I asked forgiveness was my raw thoughts may be offensive to some. Aha, thanks for asking. I do not condemn anyone and I try to practice forgiveness. GOD's grace has provided us with forgiveness all the time so we need to do the same.

    tezriLi, I am so glad you made it out of your personal mud pit and into a better life. Truly GOD has shown his glory through you by the way you gained victory.

    CCW, Cosmic and all, I am writhing with unguarded honesty and I do not wish to shake anyone's faith.
    I hate this life and this sinful world so much there are no words for it. I'm not looking to make life better or have an artificial smile slapped on my face. This is who I am and how I was made. The hatred is bad because we should be giving GOD glory all the time.

    Here is the root of the darkness. I have prayed for if it is GOD's will to help make things better. They keep getting worse. I prayed for GOD to help provide clarity and understanding. I'm more of an idiot than ever. I can not feel GOD's presence in my life. I can not stand the the thought of "hide and seek", tests, and all the mystery on top of misery. The worse part is INDETERMINATION.

    Indetermination is not knowing what is really happening only GOD does. When people say the chiches: "have faith", "pray", "there is a plan"... I mentally roll my eyes. Please, you can pray all you want but you do not know what or Lord will do. Or does he do everything? He is not our personal genie. I believe some things just happen. Same with faith. What does that really mean? It is an easy thing to throw at someone. What are we suppose to have faith in. The Lord is perfect, loving and in control. That is truth. However faith does not change what will happen to you because we do not know what the Lord has in store, You can be faithful all day long and get smashed over the head in a heartbeat. I guess some people have faith that everything will turn out right in the end or whatever but we have bills to pay and life to deal with right NOW. Guess we shouldn't worry about those pesky earthly things like rent, health insurance, finding a job...... just smile and have faith.

    Can someone please tell me what this "plan" is ? Who ever said there is a plan for every single person. That sounds like we are puppets with a pre-programmed algorithm to follow. Deviate from the code and -> you are a sinner. Worse yet, we are not even given a printout to read. What was the plan for the pharaoh, his army, the people who died in the passover, and everyone who is or will be condemned?????????? How about the nameless, faceless masses who suffer and die anonymously? Is it possible that life just happens for the most part? I mean if a tree branch smashes you on the head, did GOD plan that?

    To sum things up I feel like prayer, faith and this plan all go into a black box. You do not know what is inside the box or what the immediate, short and long term result will be. You can cry, shake and pray for years for something. The big question is, what will come out of it????? Perhaps it will seem like your prayers were answered :) only to find out you were being taught a lesson
    :(...or were you ??? All of this mystery and lack of knowledge is more than I can deal with in a life that I really can not stand. In short I would like to skip all the test, suffering and things I never asked for and proceed to the next stage. Very sorry for the negative rant. I am praying for GOD to forgive my challenging thoughts.
  7. In a nutshell this is all that is required of you as a Christian.

    Joh 6:27 Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal."
    Joh 6:28 Then they said to him, "What must we do, to be doing the works of God?"
    Joh 6:29 Jesus answered them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent."

    Your only work is to believe in God's Word. Trust in God for every thing no matter what your physical senses tell you.
    Never be moved by what your feelings or mind tells us, only trust in God to keep you. Yes, there will be times of suffering and trials to your faith, but out of them all the Lord will deliver you. The Apostle Paul who God used to write most the New Testament said this....

    2Co 1:8 For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.
    2Co 1:9 Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.

    The Apostle Paul while in Asia thought for sure his life was over. He could not endure what was going on at that time. He just thought, well this is it, I am done, my life is over. But he did not die, the Lord delivered him from all his troubles. In fact he said that all these things happened so that he would not trust in himself, but in the living God who raises that dead. Every Christian has to come to this place in their life, so we to never trust in our job, bank account, or any of our own works, but in the living God who will always deliver us from these.
  8. Well at least one thing is true, you're tired of playing "christian". This will be long and I hope you read it. It will change your life.

    I've been where you are. I know what I'm talking about. By this time I had been a christian for over 11 years and attended many churches but now I was on my own in a foreign country (first of currently 46) and I had found this little church. Within a year I was teaching Wednesday nights. I loved it. But when I came to Matt 10 I thought all was going well. But I couldn't explain to anyone any personal experiences as described in Matt 10. So I asked everyone for their thoughts. No one had any. I thought for sure someone would have something since I thought I was a young Christian. I went home and literally cried all night to God asking "Is this all there is? Is there nothing more to Christianity?" The next Wednesday, so very dejected, I admitted I didn't have anything and asked if anyone had anything to say. Oddly, to me, the lady that volunteered to watch the kids on Sundays was there. She wasn't even a member and had never attended any other functions let alone come on Wednesday night.

    She spoke up. She said "I've been anointed all day to tell you of God's glory and power." She continued to explain how her husband prays for their kids and they'd be healed. She gave more and more examples and I was totally enthralled! I was so excited because this had been an answer to my prayer! When she finished, the pastor said in the coldest voice I had ever heard: "Thank YOU for YOUR testimony." WOOOOOOOSH! It was gone! That feeling, that joy, that excitement was GONE! The Holy Spirit had been grieved and I knew it!! I had NEVER knew it was possible to literally FEEL God Almighty, but I knew I had!

    I said a short prayer and everyone dashed for the donuts and coffee. I sat there just pondering what had happened. The woman came over and told me that God had heard my prayer and that she wanted me to meet her husband. I was terrified! Yes! She got in her car and I in mine and I followed her. On the way there all kinds of scripture was coming to mind about false spirits and I was growing in terror. I had never EVER did this before but I asked the Lord for a sign. I said "If she is from you let her hand lift up into the air and stay there." Before I could finish my prayer, she did it! She didn't adjust the mirror, play with her hair, nothing, just uplifted hand!

    All my religious doctrine was falling away! When I got to her house and met her husband, we sat on the sofa for a bit and chatted. Then the woman got up and started to praise the Lord and raised her hands. He husband then did the same thing, but I was literally stuck to the sofa. He came over and asked why I didn't join them and I told him I was stuck, that I felt like I had 200 lbs of lead in my pants. He took my hand and I found I was standing - now he didn't pull me up, nor did I push up, I was standing there! They continued to pray and told me to do the same. I did and she put her hand on my chest and he put his hand on my back and I could feel "something" swelling up in my chest. It began to move up to my throat and I thought I was going to throw up and she she said "don't repress it. Let it out." HOW DID SHE KNOW!?! So I did and out came this heavenly voice and a strange language. OH I FELT SO WONDERFUL!

    Then I felt oil being poured over my head and I didn't care. I thought maybe this was something they just did as a matter of course. After the Spirit subsided and we came back to earth (that's what it felt like) I went to "fix" my hair thinking it must be a mess from the oil, but it was DRY!!! I know what I felt! I had been baptized by the fire of the Holy Spirit and anointed! Glory to God! He heard my cry. I had been anointed with the gift of teaching because when we sat down the husband out of the blue asked "I wonder why God spoke everything into existence?" and without thinking or pondering these words came out of my mouth "because, like an arrow launched, so does the word have power and cannot be taken back!"

    In your case there are three things as play here:
    • Full-scale demonic assault
    • Self-focus
    • Lack of faith
    God does love you and He's died for you so it's up to you. You got saved in faith, you now have to live in faith. Cry out to God for Him to move in your life. Ask the Holy Spirit to baptize you in fire. Use your imagination to focus on Him and the wonders written in the word of God as an example of things that have happened to others and claim them for yourself. All of the word of God is an example for us. We read and see it filled with spiritual events yet most christians do not live in the spirit! I know what I'm talking about, I was there too! Reject the thoughts the devil brings from the seeds that have been planted by TV, movies and music and believe the word of God. Your mind is the garden of thoughts and if you don't weed it out you'll only thing on weeds.

    Galatians 6:7-9 (KJV)
    Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

    Because you have all these weeds the devil has filled your mind with garbage reaping all these negative thoughts and feelings which causes you to focus on yourself and your situation. Jesus died for you and has filled your heart with His presence but you have to allow Him to rule in your life, and that takes faith. I hope you made it this far. It is the answer to your cry. Now direct it to God and He WILL answer!

    Hebrews 4:16 (KJV)
    Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
    DavidG likes this.
  9. When you get the fire, this is your job here on earth:

    2 Corinthians 5:18-20 (KJV)
    And all things [are] of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation. Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech [you] by us: we pray [you] in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God.
    DavidG likes this.
  10. Op I know that feeling.

    I think what frustrates me most is.... prophecy.

    People tell me ur gonna be great, he has a plan for you..blah blah.
    Yet nothing happens.

    I rather have manifestations over prophecy. All day everyday.
  11. Hello brother and thanks for such an open and honest post about where you are as a Christian. If you'd like an answer would you answer the following just to give me idea of your situations, just makes it a little easier due to the limitations of the forum.

    Have you encoutnered any major traumas or events in your life?
    Have so you struggle with depression?

    You seem very open so I'm assuming you'd answer however just PM me if you'd feel more comfortable
  12. You say "nothing happens", but aren't you cutting God off at the knee by expecting prophecy to be immediate? He has a wonderful plan for every one of us! I am 62 and still haven't received all he has for me yet! I am expectant still for more and more of His plan to unfold. Just determine to keep walking with Jesus and keeping faithful to Him and His word.

    Seeking after supernatural manifestations doesn't require faith. It's like craving candy over wholesome food.
  13. Ken,

    You need to loosen up a bunch and enjoy life. Take all your worries, fears, loneliness, sins, etc and put it in a box and UPS it to God.

    After you do this go find some people to hang out with and fellowship. Do some things you enjoy. Don't worry about every sin and trying to be a perfect person. Jesus paid the price and God doesn't expect you to be perfect.

    Just enjoy life and spread that joy to others.
    Euphemia likes this.
  14. kenmtb - have you worked with a well grounded and experienced Christian therapist/counselor? If you havn't, I would suggest that you find one and spend some time with him/her.

    PS - and MOST pastors are not experienced enough or qualified enough to go head to head with these deepseeded psychological issues. They can help with spiritual issues, but not a lot with issues that ken seems to be experiencing.
  15. I am in awe of the responses. The main purpose of this post is not to whine about poor pathetic me. I would like to have some burning issues addressed so others can benefit. I do not care about myself or life one hoot. GOD is the top concern. GOD is everything and first. Personally I fear GOD so much because I do not know him. He is so awesome the mind can not comprehend. So the plan is to try to know the son, who seems more approachable [No offence to GOD is meant]. I am crying out loudly to have JESUS in my life but there seems to be no response.

    I have to leave for a while, responding to your kind help is very important. There is no trauma or depression here. That has dulled over decades ago. In fact everything is normal. This is not about me but deep questions about Christianity, faith and life. PS I really do not believe in demons and goblins causing my personal ignorance and mess ups. They are not an excuse. I would like to think I answer to GOD/JESUS and the holy spirit. demons can go to ****.

    ASUK, thank you so much. Please do not be offended but your [wonderful] response is what I hear all the time. Even figuratively, UPS can not deliver to GOD. Our father is all powerful but I do not expect him to figure out how to pay rent, stay employed ..........I can't send him the bills. Sometimes earthly burdens just make you want to jump into the Lord's arms, problem is when I try I fall face first on the floor instead. I'm sure this is a common experience.
    DavidG likes this.
  16. What a remarkably decorous response. You have something of a gift there, Ken. I know a few software engineers...not a lot of them seem to excel in this type of communication.

    If I could paraphrase your example to make sure of understanding: "Sometimes earthly burdens just make you want to jump into the Lord's arms, problem is when I try I fall face first on the floor instead." --So, what you're saying is that you've had certain expectations of what a relationship with Christ would look like in the practical sense, and they are unmet? Or perhaps more than unmet, do I sense correctly you've begun to resign to them never being met?
  17. Have you ever known people that have nothing but bills and problems but they are unquestionably happy?

    You are correct that you can't send the physical problems like bills and such to God. But you can send the emotional burden to him. He can't take it if you don't give it to him though. It's so simple to do that it seems hard.

    God bless.
  18. Great reply....
  19. Yeah, you can.
  20. I didn't mean to imply that God won't help you with physical problems but you can't just forward a light bill to heaven.
    DavidG likes this.

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