I am not sure if this will help you. I hope it does. I felt this way a two years ago. I was going through so much and it just kept getting worst no matter how much i'd try to keep my head above waters. I felt abandoned. I felt unloved, I felt insignificant. I felt like God just punished me for fun and he laughed when I was suffering. It went to a point where I gave up and i just walked away from him. I stopped praying. I literally just walked away from him. i stop calling on him. Basically pretended that he didnt even exist. And you know, I had never felt so empty in my entire life. I felt this huge hole that nothing at all could fill. That was around the time when this whole "new age" stuff was becoming popular. And so, to fill that hole, I started to get into it. That only left me more depressed and empty. And funny thing is, it led me right back to God. One day I was sitting down and I gave up on life itself. Something strange happened, I prayed. But this prayer wasn't a good one. I told God that if he was there and if he loved me he would just take me home and get me out of my misery. I just cried and cried and cried and told God how sorry I was and I'd love to come back to him if he'd have me. At the end of it all, nothing could fill that hole except him. A few months after that I felt this overwhelming spirit of joy. I started to cry again....except these were tears of joy because I felt so happy to have God in my life. i decided that day to get baptized and God and I have been having it out every since. I
My life still has not improved but I know a better now. God and I have our moments when I tell him im upset with him and im not going to talk to him today. But usually, I go back and tell him all about my day. Sometimes I still wonders if he is hearing me cause I tend to go on and on and on......
I guess i needed to walk away from him to see how good I had it on this side of life
I am still being trained and tested and strengthened but God is God and we have to trust him and live beautifully and freely. That is what he wants for us...if only we learn to trust him.
I kind of understand how you feel. I hope this helps you a bit. And I am sorry you are having a rough time. I have been there.