Dusty's Jokes

[SIZE=+1]"Ice Capades" [/SIZE]

A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.
At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"
The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades.
She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a Zamboni driver!"
 
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[FONT=arial,helvetica] Checking The Mail [/FONT]
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man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor came out of his house and went straight to the mailbox. The neighbor opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later the neighbor came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house the neighbor went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here came his neighbor again! The neighbor marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed . . . harder than ever!

Puzzled by his neighbor's actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?"

To which his neighbor replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
 
BELIEVE it or not, these are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher:Do you havean address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller:Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher:Excuse me?
Caller:I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher:Was anything else taken?
Caller:No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher:This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher:Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.​

​
 
911 Continued

My Personal Favorite!!!Dispatcher:9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller:My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher:Is this her first child?
Caller:No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher:9-1-1
Caller:Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller:I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher:Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:No.
Dispatcher:What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller:Running from the Police.
 
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[FONT=arial,helvetica] Perfume Purchase [/FONT]
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fter being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.
 
Oop...... Busted...... Ha Ha

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A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I've been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired, but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye' some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?

You'll love the answer...
*
*

*

*
* The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box "
 
Dusty said:
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A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I've been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired, but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye' some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?

You'll love the answer...
*
*

*

*
* The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box "
Click to expand...

Oops indeed! Wow! I wonder how long he's been missing?:D

Laura:)
 
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[FONT=arial,helvetica] Name the Capital [/FONT]
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blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
 
[SIZE=+1]"Top 10 Things a Teenage Daughter Doesn't Want to Hear from Her Dad " [/SIZE]

10. "Let me explain what 'deductible' means on car insurance."
9. "Your mom's almost ready. Where are we going on our double date?"
8. "Seems to me last year's prom dress still has some life in it."
7. "I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday night."
6. "We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid."
5. "Let's get ice cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar of coins."
4. "I am proud that you decided to keep the family unibrow."
3. "You don't need to go shopping after all. I picked out a purse for you on my way home."
2. "I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that you're really hoping he'll ask you to the dance."
1. "By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday."
 
These all made me chuckle but this was my favorite:
9. "Your mom's almost ready. Where are we going on our double date?"
:D:D:D
 
[SIZE=+1]"Antique Furniture" [/SIZE]


When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement, he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture he wanted us to have. One item was beautiful but very heavy, an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our dining room.
"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it will belong to you."
"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"
 
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.
'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

'JESUS SAVES'
 
[SIZE=+1]"Investigation" [/SIZE]

A woman had a beautiful black cat with white feet named Socks. Socks spent his days outside and came indoors only at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared.
She searched for him high and low for several days, but all in vain. The following spring, however, Socks reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd just been out sowing his wild oats, and let it go at that.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Socks once again disappeared. The next spring, just as the prior year, he returned. When it happened for the third year in a row, she became very perplexed and decided to investigate. She started by asking her neighbors to see what, if any, information they might have.
She was down to the last house on the block, the home of an older couple. If they didn't have the answer, she wasn't sure where she would turn. So she went up and knocked on the door. The lady of the house answered, and she asked her, "By any chance, have you ever seen a black cat with four white feet around here?"
"A black cat?" the woman said. "With four white feet? Oh my, yes! He's the sweetest thing. My husband and I kept seeing him outside every fall. We hated it that the poor thing had to be out in the cold, so we decided that when we go south for the winter, we'd take him with us. He's been going to Florida with us every winter for the last few years."
 
I did a Snopes inquiry and they have no listing for it as written. That only means that they have not investigated the origin as yet or it has not been submitted to them as yet for investigation.

An interesting thing that I found while in the Snopes website is the true story of the origin of the song, "It Is No Secret..." as first recorded in the 1950's. It seems that the song writer was inspired by both Billy Graham, the evangelist, and John Wayne, the Hollywood actor...

The story can be found here:

http://www.snopes.com/religion/hamblen.asp
 
Wow and to think they published it on Snopes. I love to read the history of the old songs as they really do have so much more than just the words.

Last Fri , I saw the movie " Amazing Grace " and if you ever wnat to see a movie that will move you to tears that is the one. To think that William Wliberforce persevered for over 35 years with his small group of Christians in parliament, never giving up, and in the end with just a hand full of people brlought the horrible slave trade to an end.

In the movie there was the man who wrote " Amazing Grace" ( Forgot his name ). He had worked on the slave ships and wrote that song when he was in the monestary. At the end when he was an old man, he finally got some one to write his memoires because he was blind. " I was blind but now I see "

It is bringing me to tears writing this. It left an impression on my mind. We are all equal in God' sight and the way those African people's were treated was dispicable.

Thanks for your post Pastor Gary and see what you started ? :):):D:DBless you.
 
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