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Its a problem... help??

Discussion in 'Family and Parenting' started by Waratake, Feb 6, 2015.

  1. Im afraid! Im scared of the consequences, but im in far too deep! The way out was a long way back, and i have missed it! Things are getting worse and dont look like they are ever going to get better, who would of thought a relationship could get so bad?!

    And what worse person to have a bad relationship with than your own dad?

    And how do you deal with things like this?? Normally your dad is the one to give you advice, yet hes the one you need advice on!. Asking/talking to him seems to be out of the picture.. there is no way he is going to talk with me!

    In fact it is advice this whole problem started.. Or maybe the lack of it.

    Im now 17, almost 18, and i dont remember ever getting advice or learning from him about anything!! All i remember is getting told off for doing things wrong!! Always wrong!.....

    How can i live like this?? Who taught me to shave? Me!.. plus trial and error Who taught me to ride a bike? My kindy teachers! Who taught me by example? Well that really depends on what.. but the only example i get from him is hypocritical!! He never taught me to play an instrument. he never taught me a sport. he never drew pictures with me. he never was interested in anything i did.. Unless i accidentally did it wrong and then i got yelled at!!

    If i did ever do something right he would pretend to not notice.. or maybe he didnt...

    I got a massive addiction to porn after attending school, and hearing about something called sex.. never in my sheltered life had i heard of it! So in that respect he did good at sheltering me.. But is shelter something that is going to help me later on in life?
    I had nightmares and was sleepless for about a week after hearing from the youth pastor about demons.. He did a thorough research in the subject and even showed us pictures of possessed people and what they looked like before the possession.. and made out they had more power than they do.. but this was the first time i had heard of such a thing and it freaked me out!!

    ALSO to add to this situation I know Christians should serve and have the attitude of a servant.. But is waiting on someones beck and call the answer to this??

    If you watch little house and the prarie the girls had duties which they did and then the rest was up to them.. But in my house I do duties as well as run around for both my parents.. (me) do this, (me) do that! (me) why didnt you do that? (I was busy doing that other job for the other parent) I dont want to listen to your excuses really!! Just hurry up and do it!!..

    I can act pretty good!! I can hang around girls prettending my mind is not drifting and they dont seem to notice!
    I can act pretty good!! I can go to church with a smile on my face and pretend that i love my life and that everything is going well!
    I can act pretty good!! I can stay in a big group of people such as a camp and last a week and make out i dont need time alone (introvert)
    I can act pretty good!! I can be strong and make out that i can handle it!

    But this is no act!! I am really struggling..!! It may seem like nothing from your side, or it may seem out of your grasp of advice? Or maybe you dont want to get involved and you dont think it is right for me to talk about my dad like this behind his back...

    I have tried more than once to talk to him, but he then (stroppies around).
    And he then makes me feel bad for talking about it.. like a guilt trap and then things go back to normal... nothing really changed!!

    Im thinking of the best things to do.. One would be to talk.. which doesnt sound promising!!
    One would be to put up with it till i leave home, and then just never come back!
    One would be to get someone else to say that they have noticed there is a problem between me and him, and talk.. except through acting no one has noticed and if they have noticed they wont make it known..

  2. First, Welcome :)

    If you have not done so as of yet please read CFS forum rules and getting started threads here

    And here

    Next, you're clearly excited, so I'm guessing you've just had a blowout with the old man. When you're filled with emotions and adrenaline, it's nearly impossible to think clearly. Are you an only child? When my son left for college I asked him to forgive me because he was my first born and I had no one to teach me how to teach him or guide him. Life is a struggle for everyone. As you grow older you want to express your independence and the parents see it as a threat, not that you want to be disobedient, but that you'll be moving on and deep down they'll miss your presence. I know I do for my oldest very much so. Today it's your parents, tomorrow it's your girlfriend or wife or your children. Learning to silence the nagging thoughts that come from the devil are key. Learn to love the way God loves and you'll be free. But you first have to forgive your parents, then you can learn to forgive yourself, and then forgive God. Forgiveness isn't for those that offend, but are offended. Read Romans 7. See the struggle Paul went through, just like me and everyone else on the planet. But read the last verse of that chapter.

    Again, Welcome to CFS
    Cturtle and Fish Catcher Jim say Amen and like this.
  3. I see you are probably one of eight siblings. You make no mention of them and how you relate to each other, and make only the very slightest mention of your Mother.
    Can you expand a little on how you see your family dynamics?
    One thought I have is that maybe your father has difficulty in relating to you......perhaps to any child maybe.
    Are you the only male child, and how does your father relate to your other siblings?
  4. well... ill be as honest as i can without breaching the whole privacy thing..

    i am the third of 8 children. i have an older brother and an older sister. then i have two younger sisters then a younger brother and then a younger sister. im an introvert and i hate lots of noise so i tend to remove myself from the younger 3.. plus they are to young to do much.. their relationship with me is good most othe time, unless its a rainy day.. man those days are noisey!! their relationship with my both my parents is quite good.. they get told off every once in a while but i understand and so do they, why they were told off and how to not make the same mistake..
    the sister above them is a book worm and is often told off for not being in reality.. the world or the house could be collapsing and she wouldnt have a clue.. she is still loved lots and you can tell by the way she is treated the rest of the time.. my relationship with her is bad.. i also see her as a bit spacey and she also baits me.. does weird faces poke her tongue and says nasty things behind the scenes..
    the next two sisters are the tom girl type and i enjoy their company alot!! their relationship with bith my parents is almost perfect!! barely ever told off and highly respected
    the older brother is the genious of the family.. big words and confusing puzzles is his thing.. he is highly loved by everyone in the family and he barely ever has a problem with my parents.. the only time he would get in trouble is if his room gets into a shamble or if he forgets to do something like paying a toll road fee or something.

    then theres me. i dont know how the youngest 3 see me but im sure its not bad.. the other sister obviously hates me for some form of reason.. but i get over it.. the next two sisters generally get on with me as i said.. but sometimes they have this wierd girls only attitude on something or another.. i get over it!
    i immensely like my brother although sometimes ill say something and it obviously isnt a genious remark and he will laugh about it for about a week.

    my mum and i generally get along.. mostly because i can help her with things like the tv remote and computer stuff.. she just hates technology and refuses to learn it.. i do get in trouble with her occasionally but its things i understand what went wrong and i change it and things go well..

    but then my relationship with my dad is totally different.. maybe im just not genious enough??? but he seems to watch everything i do, and then has to find something wrong with it... its crazy!!

    and if i really feel like ive done something right he doesnt notice or acts that way...

    im not exactly sure how to use this application, so if i come up to the wrong name im sorry...

    and thanks abdicate!! im actually the 3rd of 8, and the blowout is continual.. it is a constant rub no matter how i go about it.. if im silent it makes it worse and if i speak it makes it worse.. i understand what you mean by forgiving, and im prepared to try it again.. (but) even after i forgive the problem doesnt erase.. its like ive drawn a picture in vivid.. forgiveness is like a rubber.. but in this situation it doesnt appear to be the first step.. their must be another chemical to be used before the rubber??
  5. i put my reply below \/
  6. i put my reply below \/
  7. "getting told".... that sounds as an advice to me….
    hmmm, yes, of course!…. IT IS an advice! : )
  8. advice would be to say how to do it, wouldnt it?? i just get yelled at.. "you stupid boy, what possessed you to do that??" or "i cant believe your MY son" or "you moron"... that would not be classified in anyones term as advice!!
  9. also i dont believe you could have taken anything more out of context to put your own way in it.. How else would you say it?? i got told off.. or should i say "i got screamed at"? or my dad shook his finger at me?? i mean really????????
  10. I have to agree with you here......not all that helpful, but maybe there is some misunderstanding.
    That being said, I think your family seems to have the average mix of personalities.
    I'm wondering if there might be some sibling rivalry happening amongst you and some of your siblings.
    These things tend to level out and pass with maturity....but not always.
    I have a sister into her 70s and she has always hated me, sometimes people just can't get on, sometimes they are able to mend bridges, sometimes not.
    But the difficulty you are having with your dad seems a bit more complex, and potentially a lot more damaging, a lot more troubling.
    Do you think the 'conflict' between you two is impacting on any of your siblings?
    Have you talked with your mom about your relationship with your dad?
    Have you been able to talk one on one with your dad about your feelings?
    Can you comment on the way you perceive the relationship between your mom and dad?
    Not much help, just a lot of questions to get a feel for how things are.

    I don't like PMs so I have in general disabled access. However I think I should enable access for you so that there can be a little more privacy and security. I will send you a PM and you can share things or not as you think best.
    Because this board is closely monitored, I will include a few of the moderators in the conversation list; this is for your protection and also because they may have a different perspective than I, which could help you.
    shineyourlight8 likes this.
  11. oops.. I thought this was in another board.....no matter I think it should be closely monitored anyway.
  12. #12 aha, Feb 7, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2015
    Opss sorry for that…. I was not able to read between the lines in your original post that.......that is the extent of being “getting told off for doing things wrong”…

    On a positive note, at least, you have access to shaving cream, i used to use soap when I was younger, or say when I still live in my parent income...or say, their sacrifices.... : )
  13. @Waratake Hello Brother,
    Look I am going to give it to you straight and not sugar coated.
    You are NOT the first child to have a dad and or a mom like this. I grew up that way my friend grew up that way and so on.

    Second you are almost 18 and heading to becoming an adult. It's time to stop feeling sorry for your self and take a stand and get past this. Shhh please I am not done yet. lol
    I say this because if you do not get ahold of this now, you will carry this down the road and before you know, your 30, 40, 50 years old and still trying to deal with how dear ol dad treated you.

    Yes forgiveness is in order but this is for YOU....it does not change them or the situation right away. You have to not only forgive them but love them and not get all huffy with them.
    Look, it may not change for years because God has to deal with your dad and if your dad is not ready then God wont do much.

    I said all this because it is vital FOR YOU to get your heart right and get forgivness in your heart and walk in Love and pray for him. None of your cares or worries or complaints can fix what is already done. You will only harm your self by doing so.

    Brother focus on getting your life in order with the Lord and allow HIm to work in this situation and lead you down the path He has for you. God has a plan for you. I know I may have seemed a little harsh but brother simply think of it as a wake up call for I do not want you to make the same mistakes so many do and end up in their older adult years still trying to deal with the situation. You take care of you and your part and God will do the rest.

    Have a wonderful day

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