I have often used this analogy. I could tell you a monkey is sitting in the chair beside me, but you would never truly, wholeheartedly believe that there was a monkey there unless it was revealed to you, unless you saw it. You would never die for that monkey, unless you knew it was there. That's how I am with the story of Jesus...
Hi Casey, thanks for opening up a bit and putting yourself "out there", so to speak, with these posts. It's not an easy thing to do, taking a jump into the unknown and making yourself vulnerable to other people. As you can see from the replies, there is a lot of diversity among Christians, even among those who have laid the true foundation, that being Christ Himself. Don't be discouraged by that.
Every case of a person coming to faith in Christ is a little different. Some come to faith in Christ at a very young age, others have to travel a much longer road to get there. I'm sort of in between, I was not raised in church but became a Christian at age 21 simply because the Spirit drew me to Him. This was not based on merit or works of any kind and certainly not on anything good in me.
A careful reading of your post seems to indicate that you know this is a life-altering relationship that you seek to enter into; in a very real sense, you are giving up your life to Him. This, along with your diligent seeking, indicates to me that the Spirit is probably already drawing you to faith in Christ. That is the key, this drawing of the Spirit. Without it,
all the effort and trying and reasoning in the world come to naught. The Spirit will turn the light on inside, so to speak, and only then are the spiritual eyes of a person open to his/her need for Christ. Various intellectual questions are no obstacles then, some are answered and some just become moot. Christ Himself becomes the answer. Reasoning and intellect do not cease to exist, but now they serve a new master. No longer self, but Christ.
It could very well be that your difficulties with faith are for a reason, i.e. to show you, early on, the inability of the intellect and reason alone to bring about true faith in Christ. This is something even long time Christians have a difficulty coming to grips with. It is often the case (and was so with me), that having begun in the Spirit, and usually following a time of great blessing, we now think we will be made perfect by the flesh (intellect, works, mighty self effort, high-powered self righteousness, etc.). Well, no.
Anyway, Casey, don't lose hope. There is a time factor in God's dealings with man and He is in no hurry by our standards. I would say be sensitive to the possibility of the Spirit's workings and revelations (in your heart), and even pray for this if you are able to do so. But once the door is opened for you and you know you are being called of God, walk through it asap, don't delay. You won't be sorry. There may be struggles ahead (as in my case now) but I wouldn't trade my current struggles for anything, they are part of my path that God has given me.
Tim