Heartache in a home I'm not sure about staying in... (please offer counsel if you feel lead)

Discussion in 'Family and Parenting' started by RemadeInReality, Jan 5, 2011.

  1. I'm a 21 year old living at home because thus far, I've struggled to find a biblical, correct way of leaving. As of right now, I cannot decide if my staying is right either... if staying in an environment that makes it easier for me to go backward (in all areas of life) is wrong.. or if leaving would be giving up simply because things are hard.

    Here's the situation: [Let me say first off that I mean no disrespect against anyone in my home. I love them all very much - that's one reason this is so incredibly difficult.]
    For the past two years, their has been no spiritual leader in our home. My father has been out of work since his back surgery, and for reasons I couldn't share if I wanted to (for I don't know them), has not made any visible effort to get a steady job, or even a hobby. Any elaboration on that would be mere speculation on my part.
    In the past two years, he has not attended church, a bible study, anything that I would believe would help him. There's been no family orientation whatsoever, at least not the way there once was. He is literally in bed sleeping or in bed watching television at least 20 (twenty) hours a day, most of the time more.

    Earlier last year, something extreme happened that I thought would have woken him up. It hasn't seemed to at all.

    Both of my parents are currently on either depression or anxiety medication and alcohol is regularly brought into the house when it wasn't before. This hurts badly when I feel like, despite their knowing what to do, my father especially - it's not done as God would have it done. Nothing about my family dynamic is biblical. Nothing...
    And yet I'm convinced he would insist that it is, or at least, admit it's not but do nothing about it. (I know this from experience.)

    Prayer would be a first piece of advice, I'm sure. As it definitely should be. It's just that I do pray and I have for years. Consistently, passionately. I've sought the Lord so much and I still know He's bigger than this. There's hope. I just - don't know what to do when I feel constantly roped into wanting to give up. There is a cycle of depression and hopelessness in this house that is humiliating.

    I'm struggling, badly.
    Honestly - I would be out by now if it were not for my younger siblings who I see growing up in an environment I never had to deal with that young and - I love them. I'm so attached to them. I ache for what they have to live with without knowing any alternative. I would NOT be able to STAND being apart from them. And I seriously fear that if I left, all ties to them would be deliberately cut off. That in itself is what turns this situation from dreary to excruciating and agonizing... It's what has me in physical pain from crying the last couple hours.

    What I'm asking for is this:
    Input from experience or sincere wisdom.
    And biblical advice. Please, please, please back up anything offered with scripture. I've had it up to my eyebrows with advice and opinions that are simply that - opinions. I want advice structured on God's Word. I need it...

    Thank you so much to anyone who's read this and will pray and/or reply.
  2. Remade,
    Thank you for such an honest and heartfelt post. There are others on here who will be far more qualified spiritually to advise you than I am but I WILL pray for you!
  3. What God really wants to convey to you is this: He loves you. He rejoices over you. That's how excited he is that you are alive. (Zeph 3:17). He is the one who can save you and who can save your family. That's his desire. God is with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). Forsake: Forgotten - God will not forget you, or the problems that you face.

    You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139 is such a good chapter in the Bible.

    When you draw near to God, He will draw near to you. James 4:8. And Psalm 73:28 tells us that it is good for us to draw near to God. That's his promise to you - once you draw near to God, he will draw near to you. But it's gotta be an effort. Don't give up. THAT'S WHAT SATAN WANTS YOU TO DO. Don't let Satan win. Keep fighting the good fight, 1 Timothy 6:12.

    Ephesians 6 - put on the full armor of God. And use your Word to defend yourself from the "flaming arrows" of the evil one.

    You are not a mistake. God created you with a purpose in mind. God is perfect, so he doesn't make mistakes. So when you were created, He knew exactly what He was doing.

    My best advice to you is to do this: Pray. Ask what God wants you to do. Pray that He opens your ears, your heart, and your mind to hear His voice. Sin does block out His voice (Isaiah 59:2). So if you're drowning in sin - repent and ask for forgiveness. God will give His forgiveness. And then pray to hear His voice. He will answer you. Do not doubt.

    You have been very honest with us - and it's good to tell other Christians about what's going on! You are loved by a wonderful and mighty king. He is stronger than your problems!!!!!! Nothing's too hard for your Jesus! :)
  4. About 2 years ago I was in a similar situation, where I had to make a decision about staying in my church home (where I also worked) or leaving and not knowing where I would go to church or where I would be able to find work. It was one of the hardest decisons I've ever had to make, but I did what you are doing, praying and asking for prayers, insight and Godly advice. I had to step out on faith and go in the direction God was leading me which I didn't really enjoy but He has been faithful and I've got to see Him work in my life in ways I've never seen before which has been a testimony to His goodness. Whatever God leads us to do and when He leads us to do it, is always for the best and it strengthens our faith for things that we will face later on. No matter what we have to go thru God's grace is always sufficient, 2 Cor. 12:9.
    Keep fighting the Good fight, you and your family are in my prayers, may God bless you well. :)
  5. I am living in a similar situation with a family member in my home.

    My mother used to be a successful business woman, then around three or four years ago, maybe even more (time flies), she had a nervous breakdown and is now living a state of financial, mental, and spiritual limbo.

    She has come a long way, however, from the paranoid shell that she once was, though at times she does retreat back into herself.

    It was terribly hard for me to finally deal with the reality of my mother's illness and face the music. Coupled with my parents' subsequent divorce and my own personal struggles, I will admit I was in a dark place and contemplated many ways out.

    The one thing I have learned is that it takes a lot of time for a person to recover from such heavy emotional and mental stress. My mother has not held a job for a few years now, and she used to make almost 90k not so long ago. Now she has come down a lot. It still depresses me, at times, seeing her scrounge around while she could be doing something with herself, not meaning money-wise, just doing something. If it wasn't for my grandmother, I don't know what I would do.

    My father also has not helped me; he refuses to pay child support, and the little he does pay ($100 in this economy?) is not enough to support even my birds! No, I am not complaining because he isn't giving it to us, but the reason(s) why - he refuses to do anything for me, and he always has, of course unless it involved him in it. I'm not angry with my father; I used to be - in fact I used to hate him and I hated myself for a long time because I am/was his child.

    I can truly understand where you are coming from, but it takes time, and only God knows when to push your parent(s) forward into that next step. Maybe they are too fragile at this time - who knows?
  6. Thank you, guys... Just, thank you. I'm really learning there are so many things I simply cannot change - people included. Those are the things I need to rely on God for strength to handle. What I can change with His help - is myself. And that's the next scary thing on which I intend to put my focus.
    Thank you for the encouragement.
    Aaron H. likes this.
  7. I think you should stay. You are the light in your house and need to introduce them to God. From the moment were saved it becomes are duty to spread the goodnews. Im going through the same w my parents, they turned away from him and and today we ministered to them. I know its hard but it will be worth it in the end . Remember were here to win people to christ and save souls. Hang in there. K.
    Jas virdee likes this.
  8. Bible says that we are to love God first and more than our parents, and anyone who cannot do that is not worthy of Jesus.

    Secondly, Bible says not to be in an environment for too long with unbelievers.

    Thirdly, shake the dust of your feet, then trust and surrender all your concerns to Jesus and allow Jesus to lead you where Jesus wants you to be.
    Aaron H. likes this.
  9. Being the first Christian in a Sikh family, I choose to stay. Of-course there was many financial problems, my career stopped going forward.I was persecuted by my family members and made fun of. However I choose to stay.I walked in Love.I did all that was required of me in the family and more.I prayed daily and let them see the difference in me.I learnt how to pray for them according to the word. I returned every curse with a blessing.
    Now many years later, my mum has been saved, my sister has been saved two people have been saved at my work place, my cousin got saved recently.I am doing very well in my career also.As far as your needs are concerned, financial material and spiritual, God will help you.Initially things are hard, but as you grow in faith and Love things will change.

    1Co 7:16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

    Now I know this is talking about husband and wife.However I believe it apples to all families members. If your family members have no problem staying with you and are not kicking you out because of your faith, stay.There will be little problems of course, however God is able to help.

    The bible is clear that one person can be an avenue to get the whole family saved.
    Gen 6:8 But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.
    Noah found grace in the eyes of God and the rest of His family was delivered also.
    Gen 19:12 And the men said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place:
    Gen 19:13 For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it.
    Here we see again the angel extended the delivered to Lots whole family.

    Jos 2:12 Now therefore, I pray you, swear unto me by the LORD, since I have shewed you kindness, that ye will also shew kindness unto my father's house, and give me a true token:
    Jos 2:13 And that ye will save alive my father, and my mother, and my brethren, and my sisters, and all that they have, and deliver our lives from death.
    Jos 2:14 And the men answered her, Our life for yours, if ye utter not this our business. And it shall be, when the LORD hath given us the land, that we will deal kindly and truly with thee.

    Here we see again Rahab managed to save the whole family from destruction

    In the new testament we read
    Act 16:31 And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house

    And here is my favorite. God was pleased with cornelius and sent Peter to him. However we see that the whole household benefited.
    Act 10:24 And the morrow after they entered into Caesarea. And Cornelius waited for them, and had called together his kinsmen and near friends.
    Act 10:44 While Peter yet spake these words, the Holy Ghost fell on all them which heard the word.
    vision1 likes this.
  10. Remade, There are so many things in your post that cry out for help. Yes, prayer is certainly in order, but there are other things I am concerned about. First, your dad has experienced a real set-back with his back injury. I have seen this before in men, when they are physically active and suddenly are no longer able to do those things they long to do or feel the need to do, and become exhasperated with others who attempt to do the things he used to be able to, but do them in a different way. Your dad needs a Christian counselor, one who will help him find himself again and realize that he still has value.

    Your mom, on the other hand, is now in the role of care-taker of the man who at one time provided for her and her family. This is a real life-style change, and the pressure of how to help your dad without causing more harm is huge. She also knows that there are others in the family who need to be taken care of, but may not have the energy, mentally or physically, to be able to do that. If you can show her your support, helping her with areas that she seems to fall down in, she may not realize right now how much you are doing, but will one day.

    If I had to make the decision of staying or leaving, I think I would stay for a while longer. You make be the only stability your siblings have right now. You and your siblings are living a life that is totally out of sync with the life you previously knew, and it is causing you all stress and anxiety. If you have a relationship with your siblings where they can turn to you for strength, that's great. It can give you the feeling that you are contributing positively to the family structure; however, if you are not able to take on that role, it's OK. That doesn't make you a failure, or a bad person...it affirms your humanity, and serves as a reminder that you can do all things through Christ, Who is your Strengthener (paraphrased).

    Your family seems to have a great spiritual battle going on around you. Satan is doing his best to keep anyone from seeing that God is right there with you. You may be the one to help the others see that if you all come together with the Lord, these problems can be overcome. Even if it is just you and your siblings, you might join together in prayer. Jer. 29:13 says that we will seek Him and find Him when we seek Him with all our heart. 2 Chron 7:14 tells us that if we (God's people) humble ourselves, pray and seek His face, and turn from our wicked ways, He will hear our prayers. Romans 8:26-27 tells us that the Spirit helps us when we are weak, and will intercede for us when we don't know how or what to pray. 1Chron. 16:11 tells us to seek the Lord and His strenght; Mt 7:7 says to ask, and it will be given, and John continues that thought with 16:24, reminding us that we don't have because we don't ask. Remember, it is not just that we ask, but that we ask with sincerety, humbly, and willing to do as He directs. Also, prayers are not always answered in ways we expect. You want your family restored and a sense of equalibriumagain, but God may have other plans, lessons He wants to teach each one of you, in this time of wandering. Also, praise Him. God inhabits our praises, and loves for us to love Him and exhort Him, no matter what our circumstances. Sing songs of praise, songs that honor Him and uplift your heart. This will help lighten your mood when you are down, and will serve to glorify Him all at the same time. Satan cannot stand it when we do these things, especially when we do them consistently.

    If you can find a counselor for your entire family, it sounds like it would help. Your community may have a church or Christian counseling group who will be able to help each of you in different ways.

    Something I would also suggest, that will be more difficult for you, is not to judge your parents. They are in a phase of life that is difficult for them, too. They are coping with it in ways that may not be healthy, but if you frequently remind them of that, they will begin to resent it and push you away. Scripture tells wives who are married to unsaved men to live a Godly life before them, that they may come to know Him. If you can do that here, it will be a positive influence on your family, where they can witness with their own eyes the love of Jesus, rather than just hearing about it or reading about it. It will not be easy for you...you must prepare yourself for such a mission through prayer, study, and even fasting.

    Lastly, do not despair. You are NOT alone! You have friends around you, if only here at this site. You have family, if only your siblings. You have a great head on your shoulders and a heart for your family and for the Lord. He loves that, and will honor it. Thank you for sharing your heart, and allowing us to be a part of the process of healing in your family as we pray for you. I hope you will give us occasional updates as to how you and your family are doing.

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