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Family Drama :( Needing Godly Advice Please

Discussion in 'Family and Parenting' started by ~forgiven_not_forsaken~, Jun 21, 2013.

  1. Im guessing this is where I should post this. I have no where else to turn to at the moment. What do I do if a family member is stirring up problems? in this case it is my mother in law (mil). we started out real close but the happier my husband and I are and the closer we try to get to God, things happen. She has been a saved Christian for about 7 years I think but hasn't changed her ways. I love her to death and want the best for her, but she has turned very critical towards me and it hurts, she has also been disrespecting my husband. i'll give some background, she and my father in law divorced when my husband was between 10-13 (I think) and she has bounced around from guy to guy since then (she did this before marriage too). my husband and brother in law, love their mother dearly, but growing up there where times they would cry and beg her to stay home and spend time with them and she would choose her friends, new guy, or the bars over them. she would be out of there lives off and on from then, living in another state. fast forward to 2011, my husband and I are newly weds and in our first apartment. She says to my husband (I quote) "I want you to meet this beautiful girl close to your age from my church who loves the same things you do, I think you guys would be so close". she has done this to us a total of 3 times, she even told me that she read a Christian book that said its ok for husbands to look at and visually enjoy beautiful women because God made them to be that way...I believe that is Lusting, am I right? Sorry if I seem like I am complaining, im still working on how to process all of what has been going on. my husband and I had a problem last year with lack of intimacy due to his chronic pain (which I understand). I confided in my mil and she told me I was being selfish and I needed to work on being a woman of God. my husband did confront her after I told him and he even told her he was in the wrong and was neglecting my needs. she has came into our home and complains if its a little dirty, tells my children what to do (I have 2 from previous marriage, we have 1 together) and tells my husband what to do and talks down to him. my husband is still growing in Christ, so he is working on his anger issues, but they only get bad when others disrespect him in his home. my husband responded with an angry tone but never even got out of his chair, mil got upset and left. I later told her that he got angry because she disrespected him and was talking to him like he was still a child who couldn't live life without supervision. she told me the Bible says that he has to honor her and love her the way he honors and loves Christ and that it does not say that she ever has to respect her children. this hurts the both of us, she is the one who told me men want respect like women want love (something I never knew), yet she shows no respect to any men in her life and expects to be loved and pampered by all of them. this isn't even the worst of it. I pray and pray but I think she needs to pray for herself as well. my bil does live with his girlfriend (which mil complains about all the time) but they are adults and it is their life, they know what the Bible says. I call his girlfriend my sister in law, because we are very close. anyways mil says sil is her best friend, she even talks bad about me to her. then she talks bad about sil to me. she hates when we spend alone time together and cries to the guys saying we leave her out, but when she hangs out with either of us she doesn't want to include the other. she treats us differently so much. with me she preaches and everything is holy, with sil she cusses like a sailor and talks about s*x and guys. she doesn't know that we tell each other everything like sisters do, she tells us to keep things from our men as well. and has tried to pit us against each other. my mil kicked out her live in boyfriend and said she was doing it because God told her to and that he doesn't bless those kinds of relationships, she also told sil to move out and just date my bil. this was only a few months ago. she is now dating and sleeping with a man out of state saying "do not worry, God is all over this" she told my husband and I that he is just a friend, but my sil showed me and bil all the text mil sent her stating otherwise. she also moved her brother who she hasn't seen since they were little in with her, he does have a prison record, and he still does hardcore drugs, after both of them told us he didn't. my hubby and I share a cell phone for financial reasons, sent my hubby a text stating that he was coming off of meth, (I cant say the street word). it was part of another text so we are sure it wasn't meant for us. my mil defended it saying he meant fishing and that we need to pray for him because he was being honest ( that sentence contradicted itself) my husband told her that our baby was no longer allowed in her house unless she moved out of that house (meth stays in things and its a rental) and that baby was not allowed around the uncle, who my husband has only seen once in his life besides now. she got angry and yelled at him in our home with our 3 kids present, told him to send our kids to their room, when I had just served them dinner. he told her that this was his home, his family, his wife, his kids, therefore regarding us it was his law (as in he makes the rules of the family and home) and she got offended and starting cussing and yelling and crying so he had to yell to be heard over her. she left and went to bil house and started talking bad about us, saying my husband is lying about the pain that he is in and that I was hiding from her ( I was getting the kids dinner plated and getting them seated) and other stuff about us :( being very unchristian. my husband is working very hard on forgiving her for putting him and his brother last in the past and for choosing other men over them. but now he is having even more trouble, a day before she went to be with this man she met on the net he asked her if she would go pick up a pack of diapers in the morning for the baby because it was late and we was running low, she said ofcourse. she never did and told him that I said 4 diapers would be enough til he got home from work. she called my sil at work and told her to do it, but she had no money and couldn't leave work anyways. my sil told me that my mil had been on the way to he new beau's state is why she didn't do it. she chose leaving out early to spend a week and a half with this man over doing a favor for her only grandchild. she is also considering moving to live with this man after she told me she would be a sitter for my baby so that I could go to college this fall. she called to ask what my schedule would be and I told her m-thurs, morning classes for a full semester (16 weeks) and she got upset saying it was only supposed to be 4 weeks and she needed to know what she is getting herself into. my husband is so hurt that again she is choosing a man over her family. he tells us "do as I say, not as I do, I am the mommy" all the time when giving us Godly advice. she said she wants to teach my girls self worth, self respect, waiting til marriage for s*x and to find happiness in God, not men. she said she will be the one who teaches this to our youngest daughter. she can't even do any of that for herself. please pray for her. she is always telling me and sil that we have demonic attachment and she tells us that things in our home have demonic attachment that she is anointed by God to rid us and our homes of it. I know I am saved and loved and protected by God and so is my home, but when she leaves my home after saying these things, it doesn't feel right. there is so much more I could say but I believe what I wrote is too long. I can go into more if needed tho. please give me advice in how I should handle all of this. I am at a loss. I pray for her and I love her dearly. it scares me the rift she wants to cause between all of us when she doesn't get her way.
     
  2. You and your husband need to be in control of what happens in your home and family. There is no Biblical pattern that I can think of which empowers a woman whose own life is out of control to go into her son's home and cause chaos. Honoring your father and mother does not mean that, as adults living in your own house, you need to follow their demands. Just based on what you have posted here, I would give no weight to anything your MIL claims to be a Biblical mandate on this or any other subject. Sadly, it looks as though you may have to, in some respects, treat her as a misguided and willful child.

    There's a lot of things going on here, but one of the things I think is clear is that you and your husband have to take your rightful authority in your home and over your children. The two of you need to decide when your MIL comes over and what the boundaries of her behavior and speech are. You need to do this not only for the sake of your marriage, but for the sake of your children. You can't prevent her from talking trash or spreading gossip or whatever else she wants to do elsewhere, but it should be clear for everybody that, in your home, you and your husband are the authority figures who make the rules and set the boundaries. You and he will be the ones who teach your children about romance and marriage and morals and self respect. Unfortunately, it seems that your MIL has given up the right to teach on these things, other than to serve as a negative object lesson. It is sad that she can't bring wisdom and example in support of what you would teach your children. She's the "grandmommy", you are the "mommy" now and your children are your responsibility (along with your husband, of course). You are adults and do not have to do as she says. Maybe you understand this already, from some of what you said above and, if so, I am merely reinforcing that for you.

    Bottom line is, you cannot control your MIL's behavior outside of your home. If she wants to trash-talk you or your family to others, she can do that - at least to whatever extent those others allow her to do that. Maintain your own walk, living a life of clear conscience and integrity. She will have to answer, ultimately to God, for spreading lies and gossip. If she wants to give Biblical advice, perhaps she needs to read the many clear Scriptures which show what God thinks of lying, gossiping, and evil speaking.

    Continue to pray for her, because it really is a sad situation she is in. Her life is out of control, she is alienating her family, and she is denying herself a proper, healthy, fulfilling role in her present stage of life. Possibly she cannot help herself.
     
  3. thank you. she is apparently putting all the blame on me now. she has been bothered by the fact that I do not want to have "girls night" with her and my sil, mainly because they are both unmarried women so they do not have a husband to answer to or childrent to take care of (sil is my bro in laws girlfriend), they want to do things during the week nights and they have things like "hooker make-up night". my mil stated that she thinks the reason I wont come out with them is because I like the fact that my husband wants me at home and that I like the attention and that I am trying to be his number 1 priority. she has a huge problem with him putting me before her. lately she makes sure that she corrects my speech in front of him and makes critical comments about my housekeeping and the fact that im a stay at home mom. I know I cant control what she does outside my home but I feel like I cant control what she does in my home if my husband isn't around. we had an incident this week where I got creeped out over a facebook comment that I thought came from my husbands uncle, who I just recently met (the one mentioned in the post), it was really inappropriate. I thought that he liked a bible page so I liked his post and the comment from him was that he was glad I liked it and that he loved me and called me babygirl. I showed it to my husband and took a screenshot of it just incase. my hubby sent her a text asking about it and she acted like there was no way it happened, instead of getting online to see it she said she talked to her brother and he said it didn't happen. she said she liked some bible stuff so maybe it was her because only she calls me babygirl. but we explained that it was showing up from her brother. she drove all the way to our home and demanded I show her proof, like she didn't believe me. im really hurt over all this and my husband said he is done talking about her. she mentioned to my sis in law that she doesn't think my hubby is happy because when she is at our home when he gets off work he doesn't look happy when he walks thru the door. when she isn't here he is happy as can be to see me. he doesn't like people at our home when he gets home because he wants it quiet so he can relax (he works at a loud factory). so I am guessing this is why she is wanting him to meet the girls she knows. she also wants him to pursue his dream of being a famous guitarist and travel playing music and leave me and the kids at home. I explained to her that its not his main priority anymore since he has a family and she told me that people have to make sacrifices to make others happy and that its not like he's going to cheat on me. its all a mess :( I so want a relationship with my mil. I love my own mother but there is too much bad memories and we do not act like mother daughter. my hubby warned me tho, he said she is the biggest hypocrite he knows. she has texted me since all of this telling me that she loves us and that its all in God's hands, but she continues to say bad things about me and my husband. I will not respond. she thinks that because she is the mom that she does not have to apologize for disrespecting us and acting like that in front of the kids. its bad enough that she treats my 2 kids like they are nothing (she has never done anything for them or with them) but dotes on my youngest because she is her blood grandchild. ugh....I want to tell all of this to her face but I just can't. I hate conflict with anyone and I have my fathers temper and if I got mad enough im not sure what that would be like, my mil is getting close to making me that mad. I have been praying a lot for her, myself and my husband. it scares me how much she tries to meddle, she meddled in my bro in laws previous marriage too. I don't think she will be satisfied til her boys are single and alone and giving her all their attention. sorry this is so long. I have absolutely no one to talk to about this.
     
  4. If you are being persecuted within the family-turn it around and count it as a blessing: (You are one of God's kids now!)

    Luke 12:
    51 Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division:
    52 For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three.
    53 The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

    However; your husband needs to step up and intervene as the Spiritual leader of the home. You need a good Bible believing Church home where you can fellowship with Christians that love genuinely.

    Sometimes (and I have had to do this with the only surviving male role model of my childhood in my family); you have to cut ties with 'blood' to grow your relationship with the LORD and to protect your family unit.

    You and your husband are now one flesh-stay together and go to the Lord for your peace and power. If 'family' won't support you, go to your Brothers and Sisters in Christ. I am advocate for ALL Christians participating in their local Bible believing Church growing together as a family unit under Christ's leadership.

    Recipe for success: Worship, pray, read your Bible, meditate on the Word, fast when necessary, fellowship with Bible believing Christians, seek Good counsel, and repeat.

    You NEED your husband to be your protection and rock in Christ; can you get a counseling session with your Pastor? I would advise it.

    Worship, study, pray, fellowship with/ under the leadership of your husband. Keep supporting him by lifting him up-encouraging him, being a loving example even in persecution. Nobody said living for Christ was the easy way-actually quite the opposite...
     
  5. Thank you. He has stood up to his mother but hasn't talked to her since I informed him of everything she has said about me and him. he just doesn't want to talk to her anymore right now, and we both know that she will probably say she never said any of that (like what she does to my bil and sil). we do not attend a church but we have been talking about it. we want to find a church that we fit into and feel a connection with. I told him that God has laid on my heart to guard our marriage, at first I thought it was because of maybe someone trying to steal my husband or something but now I know its because of all of this. we have decided that if/when we decide to go to church we will not inform my mil of where we are going because she likes to "church hop". she constantly changes churches and says God tells her its not the right church for her, but then complains about the members and what they won't help her with (she is horrible with money and is always looking for ways to get assistance). we want to find somewhere that is like a second home/second family, without mil. one thing I am grateful for is our relationship with my father in law. he is great and treats me like a daughter, I have talked to him about how I get treated from time to time and he knows how my mil can be, she even goes to his home and preaches to him and sits and laughs and says her papa (God) is telling her jokes. I have thought that maybe it could be her that has the demonic attachment or a generational curse. she always tells me that its me and my sil that have it. I pray that God reveals this to us and to her.
     
  6. A BIBLE BELIEVING Church will do you much good. My Pastor knows churches all over if you want to PM with the closest town/city to you; I can ask him if he has a recommendation near you.(it will most likely be an independent Baptist Church.)

    As Christians, you really do need fellowship: #1 with the LORD, #2 with each other (hubby and wife time), and #3 your Brothers and Sisters in Christ.(If your blood relatives are rebellious and disobedient to God...well....)

    Feel free to check out our website: www.fbbc-medina.org

    We are a small church, but we have a very loving and Bible based Pastor.

    I would be careful about the 'demon possession' thing. Is it possible-yes; but is it used as an excuse/ crutch? You would know better than I. Some people will live whatever way they feel they can get the most attention.
     
  7. Your last sentence sums up my mil to a T. she does not like when others get more attention than her. I offered to do a Bible study with my sil and I gave her some Biblical advice and mil threw a fit asking sil to tell her exactly what I said so she can make sure im not giving bad advice/counsel since I do not have the Bible memorized and have not ever attended a womens study. everything is about her, she spouts about how she is anointed and blessed by God and he tells her to tell us what we should do with our lives. She knows what to do to get everyones attention, and not necessarily in a good way im sad to say.

    we do want to find a good Bible believing church. there are so many churches where we live, a lot of them are huge churches with hundreds of members. I am a Baptist and the Baptist churches here are very big and I know some of the people who attend them and I see their lives outside of church via facebook and its not the type of people I want to fellowship with :( I know not every member will be that way but it makes me wonder what is being preached/taught there. we plan on going to a few different ones til we find one. I just want my family to stay on God's path for us and not have anyone swaying us to do things their way. I want to have a church family, with no hypocritical members trying to lead us.
     
  8. "Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them." - Romans 16:17

    There is no addendum that says, "unless it's a relative".My wife and I have had to do just that with my own parents. It's painful, but the simple fact is - considering that your husband HAS stood up to her in the past and it has done no good, this may be the best option.
     
  9. Excellent idea; what people teach needs to be measured against what the Word says. Fellowship is very important; John's First Epistle makes a good read when the theme of fellowship is considered.

    Blessings.
     
  10. Finding 'no hypocrisy' in a church would be a miracle-unfortunately we still have flesh to contend with. That being said; the members of the Body of Christ need to show fruit and signs of fighting sin in and out of the pews.
     
  11. He has messaged her and apologized for yelling at her and he wants to fix the problem because he loves his mom, which of course I understand. he told her he wants to fix this problem. he knows this will not be a long term fix. but I told him that he has to tell her that she is no longer allowed to preach in my home unless she marries this new man she is sleeping with or she leaves him and stays celibate. she has told her brother that no drugs are allowed in her home but considering it was meth/crack I still do not want my child in her home or around her brother. there has been lies and deceit from the start. there is so much that has happened that was completely uncalled for. I have never done a thing to this woman for her to ever be mad enough to trash talk me, but she is the queen of gossip. my husband is trying to get closer to God, he was saved at 17 but never baptized. im doing my best in trying to get him into helping me pick a church for us and praying he takes that step of confirmation. he wants to be a better Christian and I do too. im trying to move past all this drama, but I am the woman of this house and I am the woman he chose to be his wife... she is going to have to understand that I am the wife, he has left her and is cleaving to me. the Bible says to do this!!!
     
  12. very true, I just don't like how a lot of churches are full of people there for "fire insurance" rather than to fellowship and grow. I don't want to be lead by someone who does the same thing as my mil...preach God's word then go out and do the exact opposite. I want to fellowship with people who walk the walk and not just talk the talk! I know it will be hard to find but I pray it can be done. God has laid so much on my heart this month, he has been telling me to fellowship and I have had a calling to go to school to be in the medical field, and there has been more too :) my husband is thrilled but I haven't told mil everything yet, because I know her reaction to it already lol.
     
  13. Well the way I see things-it's none of her business if she is a stumbling block. Your husband needs to lead in what is best for your family-and you need to counsel and support him. Our church presents the Gospel every Sunday morning. I would like to say we see souls saved every Sunday-but unfortunately that's just not the case. Most of our members are elders at this point. There is a very large gap missing in the Church body from the ages of 14 to 40. The Church NEEDS young couples to take up the flag for the next generation. And that's pretty much anywhere you go nowadays.

    The thing to remember is that the people in the Church support, rebuke and edify each other to stay on course. If there is too much pride in the way-the whole thing falls apart. We waste so much energy bickering about the trivial things that shouldn't even be topics and forget what Christ did for us. We forget we are supposed to love under any circumstance. We forget that lost people don't get saved and instantly know how to behave like Christians.

    If you are seeking perfecting, you will be a very long time looking. The only perfection you will find will be looking up from the bottom of the cross. The best thing that you can do is obey the Lord and do what He says by being the example of Him in any Church you attend. The best thing you can do is ask yourself daily-'is my heart right with you Lord?' it is not your position to to become angered or distracted by others behavior.Let God solve those issues.

    That being said-you should find a church that is like minded-perfection is only in Christ. Focus on your personal walk; not the falling short of other people. Be an Ambassador for Christ. Be the Children of the King-Princes and Princesses, Sons and Daughters. Learn of Him-Jesus Christ and perfect your ways. Along the way you learn to love others in their faults by remembering that you too are a sinner just like them.
     
    RoninJedi and ~forgiven_not_forsaken~ say Amen and like this.
  14. Doesn't she think you becoming a doctor would be a good thing?

    Blessings.
     
  15. RoninJedi:

    Yes, while confrontations are not to be relished, getting married involves a leaving as well as cleaving, right?

    Leaving one's parents and cleaving to one's spouse are really two sides of the same coin.

    Blessings.
     
  16. I got a strange calling to go to school for nursing, something I have always steered clear from because I hate needles, but I feel strongly to go to school and try my best to achieve this. my father wanted me to go to school for nursing after high school. here I am at 30 wanting to pursue it. my mil isn't for anything that takes the attention off of her. I told her I wanted to be a mental health nurse so that I can possible spread God's Word to those are conflicted mentally. I have depression and anxiety but I still rely on God, not medication. she is more worried in how much money I would make. as soon as she hears that we have extra she comes and asks for it. she know spends all her money on gas to go out of state to see her man while her brother foots most of the bills at home. this is a consistant pattern for her sorry to say.

    like I said my husband did apologize to her for yelling at her, and she now thinks he didn't mean what he said. we told her that we didn't want our daughter to be around her new lover unless they get married, because we don't want to subject our child to her ever changing boyfriends. she sent a text wanting us to come over for dinner to meet him (she flat out told us that he was just a friend, but told bil and sil that he was her boyfriend and I read the text mil sent to sil about having s*x with him) I gave the phone to my hubby, he looked at it shook his head and closed the phone. he did not reply, and he avoided meeting with her the day before. I know I will be to blame because he shared my cell phone with me due to finances. she will not text me to even see how our child is, she hasn't even asked about her since all this drama started. she waits til later when she knows my hubby is home to text....he rarely replies but I always give him the phone to read and reply. she needs to understand that I am not influencing him, he had problems with her before I came around.
     
  17. Sounds like, because of frequent situations, everyone needs to count to 30 before replying. (Short fuses lead to lots of explosions...)

    Hope your study and work plans work out okay.
     
  18. PS: forgiven_not_forsaken:

    The hating needles thing is a curiou matter because some people who do hate needles also have double/triple pierced ears and sometimes find that even when getting a tattoo it doesn't bother them so much when the moment comes. (So not to worry too much...)
     
  19. thank you, me too. yeah I believe that people should stop and think before they say things because what you say can be taken different ways depending on your tone. I have only confronted her once, and it was thru a text and it got taken the wrong way but I cant say anything to her face, because I have seen her be confronted by different people and she acts like she is being attacked, even if there is no yelling or harsh tone. I am, what I like to think, a gentle and quiet spirit. I don't like fighting or confrontation, I have dealt with that stuff my whole life, but yet I know I have my fathers temper, so I keep my mouth shut. I just pray that God holds his hand over my mouth and keeps ma gentle and quiet spirit. I try really hard to be a good Christian woman.
     
  20. In the end it's a Godward thing, around the grace of God, right? the believer is a recipient of God's grace in Christ, and should seek to manifest it, too: Ephesians 2:8-9
     

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