Dusty's Jokes

"Putting out the cat"
​


A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate wife's birthday. They'd gotten ready - all dressed up, put the cat out, etc.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat ran back into the house.
Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.


The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
 
Church Bloopers
​
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
​
 
The Scotsman says "Oh, I'll tell ya, it was a fine weekend! I
> spent all day Saturday helping the new neighbours mend their roof,
> then treated them to a fine dinner, back home early to bed so I
> could get up bright and early for church. I tell you, it does a man
> good to live a clean life of service!"
>
> The Irishman says "Mine was a good one as well. I went out in the
> punt early Friday night to catch some fish for dinner, and wouldn't
> you know a big tide got a hold of the thing. I tried to paddle in,
> but as soon as I dug the first stroke the biggest fish I've ever
> seen grabbed the paddle from my hand and swam off with it. I must
> have drifted for a couple of hours when up came the biggest and
> most lovely yacht I've ever seen. They dropped me a rope and I
> climbed aboard. Turns out it was some kind of photo shoot going on
> up there. So there I was with 20 beautiful women! And wouldn't
> you know it, the ad they were doing was for whisky, and the yacht
> was just loaded with the stuff! I tell you, that was the finest
> weekend of all my life!"
>
> The Scotsman looks at him and says "Yer haverin'! I've never heard
> such a pile of ****e in all my life!"
>
> And the Irishman says "Yeah well, you started it!"
 
"Computer down"




The new office computer system was down as much as it was working. Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!" she exclaimed. "Our computer is up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!"
The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping and he went to his car to prepare a ticket. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them back to her without a ticket, he smiled and said, "Our computer is down."
 
Dusty said:
"Computer down"




The new office computer system was down as much as it was working. Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!" she exclaimed. "Our computer is up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!"
The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping and he went to his car to prepare a ticket. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them back to her without a ticket, he smiled and said, "Our computer is down."
Click to expand...

Blessings in disguise!:)
 
"A ride to school"




The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. Her father had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn left, several more before she indicated a right turn. This went on for 20 minutes - left, right, right, left - but they finally reached the school. Then her father realized they were only five blocks from home.

Much annoyed, the father asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.

"That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy," the child explained. "It's the only way I know."
 
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is
pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they
catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on
them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're
welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed
under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad
put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying
not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,
'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She
walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid
is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to
lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water
flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and
'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then,
all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of
toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, jus t in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.












 
"All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from the Easter Bunny"





Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!
 
"Unexpected carjacking"
​
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail.
And then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
 
"Warranty"



An angry client went back to the automobile garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.
"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"
"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
 
They come in all sizes" ​

A guy walking his Doberman Pinscher says to a guy walking his Chihuahua, “Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.”
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.” They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, “Sorry, sir, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The host says, “In that case, come on in.”
The other guy says to himself, “What the heck,” puts on a pair of dark glasses, and starts to walk in.
The host says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
“You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The host says, “A Chihuahua?”
Thinking quickly, the guy responds, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!.
 
"Hot bath"

​
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?”
 
Stopping the boat"



Because of a dense fog, a steamboat had to stop at the mouth of the river. A passenger demanded to know the cause of the delay.

"Can't see up the river," the harassed captain replied. "Fog's too thick."

"But I can see the stars overhead," the passenger said.

"Yes," the captain growled, "but unless the engines explode, we're not going that way."
 
"Extra, extra!"




A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people fooled! Fifty people fooled!"

A man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being fooled!"

The newsboy ran down the street calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people fooled!"
 
Dusty said:
"Extra, extra!"




A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people fooled! Fifty people fooled!"

A man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being fooled!"

The newsboy ran down the street calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people fooled!"
Click to expand...
I like it!:D
 
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