Two stillbirths and I'm not getting any younger I just turned 40 in January. Anyone who isn't living in a vacuum will know that the risks of complications are progressively greater for mother and baby at this time. But to start at the beginning: We had two stillbirths, back to back. One in '06, the son we had been waiting for for years, especially my husband. Our boy was 33 weeks and just expired in the womb. He was perfect, a good size, and autopsy revealed nothing. We chalked it up as 'one of those things'. A few months later we conceived again. This was a girl, and she beat the stuffing out of me as she was very vigorous. Surely this one was going to make it. At 36 weeks, also for no apparent reason, she passed away overnight. The night before she was kicking and moving. The next morning, at our prenatal checkup, she was gone. The autopsy was done with the most minute attention to detail and again, nothing was found. The one blessing was that I was told that in neither case did the babies show signs of struggle or suffering or distress. They simply...went. I went to see a genetic medicine specialist in Vancouver and they didn't tell us anything we didn't already know. If I were to conceive again, they would deliver me at 32-33 weeks in Vancouver, based on the theory that Baby would be safer out than in, as then they can monitor closely. That would mean an extended stay in Vancouver, not the cheapest place in the world to be (Thank goodness for Easter Seal House) not to mention the HUGE disruption on my family. And preemie babies carry their own set of risks for infections, allergies, and general sickliness. I know that God wants us to multiply and increase upon the earth and I am all for that. But after the second time, I am just not assured that we would bring forth a live baby. I would like to have another but the odds are so stacked against us. I trusted that Isabelle would make it, and she didn't. We are supposed to desire children, and I do. Just not stillborn ones. I want a live healthy pink screaming newborn to give God the glory. My relatives would freak if I conceived again, especially my parents. I know we shouldn't listen to the world but they had to endure loss in this too. Every month when I discover we didn't conceive this time, I am relieved. If we didn't have any more children (we have two beautiful daughters already) I would be perfectly content. Is that God healing my heart and preparing me for 'no more babies'? I am not bothered by other women's pregnancies or babies. I rejoice for them. God has done a wonderful job in healing my heart in that respect. Any thoughts? Gee, after the 'end times' post and this, my future postings shouldn't be as heavy. I have thrown some real humdingers your way. Thank you and bless you all.