Two stillbirths and I'm not getting any younger

Discussion in 'Biblical Advices' started by Trishcuit, Nov 9, 2008.

  1. Two stillbirths and I'm not getting any younger

    I just turned 40 in January. Anyone who isn't living in a vacuum will know that the risks of complications are progressively greater for mother and baby at this time.
    But to start at the beginning:
    We had two stillbirths, back to back. One in '06, the son we had been waiting for for years, especially my husband. Our boy was 33 weeks and just expired in the womb. He was perfect, a good size, and autopsy revealed nothing. We chalked it up as 'one of those things'.
    A few months later we conceived again. This was a girl, and she beat the stuffing out of me as she was very vigorous. Surely this one was going to make it. At 36 weeks, also for no apparent reason, she passed away overnight. The night before she was kicking and moving. The next morning, at our prenatal checkup, she was gone. The autopsy was done with the most minute attention to detail and again, nothing was found. The one blessing was that I was told that in neither case did the babies show signs of struggle or suffering or distress. They simply...went.
    I went to see a genetic medicine specialist in Vancouver and they didn't tell us anything we didn't already know. If I were to conceive again, they would deliver me at 32-33 weeks in Vancouver, based on the theory that Baby would be safer out than in, as then they can monitor closely. That would mean an extended stay in Vancouver, not the cheapest place in the world to be (Thank goodness for Easter Seal House) not to mention the HUGE disruption on my family. And preemie babies carry their own set of risks for infections, allergies, and general sickliness.
    I know that God wants us to multiply and increase upon the earth and I am all for that. But after the second time, I am just not assured that we would bring forth a live baby. I would like to have another but the odds are so stacked against us. I trusted that Isabelle would make it, and she didn't. We are supposed to desire children, and I do. Just not stillborn ones. I want a live healthy pink screaming newborn to give God the glory. My relatives would freak if I conceived again, especially my parents. I know we shouldn't listen to the world but they had to endure loss in this too. Every month when I discover we didn't conceive this time, I am relieved. If we didn't have any more children (we have two beautiful daughters already) I would be perfectly content. Is that God healing my heart and preparing me for 'no more babies'? I am not bothered by other women's pregnancies or babies. I rejoice for them. God has done a wonderful job in healing my heart in that respect. Any thoughts?
    Gee, after the 'end times' post and this, my future postings shouldn't be as heavy. I have thrown some real humdingers your way.
    Thank you and bless you all.
  2. *hugs* Have you considered adoption? There are so many children who will grow up in the foster care system, and be used and abused while in it.
  3. We are not financially er... stable enough for it. And if you read my other post about "fear of end times" and my husband's way would they permit us.
    My struggle is concerning the fruit of my womb. But I agree that more people should adopt. They make the procedure so darn long hard expensive and difficult now so people who would make wonderful parents are excluded on technicality.
    I was adopted myself but things were different 40 years ago.
  4. Trishcuit: I am so sorry for your losses :( but so thrilled that you do have two beautiful daughters. ;)

    I lost a son to stillbirth last year; I held a year old child on Saturday and I know that the Lord has filled up the hole in my heart that our little Matthew left in April 2007 when he was only 5 months along. They do
    not know the reason either. I know that he is in the Lord's arms...
    I have an older son and stepdaughter and will not be having anymore unless the Lord changes my name to "Sarah" or "Elizabeth" anytime soon.:p

    May the Lord give you the contentment that you know that you already have and continue bless you with the thankfulness and precious lives of your two daughters.

  5. My husband is for having one more go at it. And physically my equipment is in excellent working order. THAT is what concerns me. The bibles' view on contraception, God opening and closing the womb, and so forth. Opening myself to His will is obviously what God wants from me. I am just scared if His will includes another pregnancy. He knows my heart concerning this and that I am content just the way things are, thank you very much. But HIS ways are not our ways are they?

    I heard a rather funny quote but seems to ring true:
    If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.
  6. I am sorry for your losses. :groupray: I have had a miscarriage and I know how hard it can be. I am not able to get pregnant, for some reason. I am going to a fertility doctor next Monday, and hopefully what they say is good. I really feel I would be a good mother, and I hope God feels the same way.

    I will pray for you <3
  7. Fertility specialist huh? careful you don't end up pregnant with Quads. :D
  8. Haha. At this point, I just feel so ready to be a mother. I have felt this way for so long. I have never prayed about it though. I think I am going to go do that now though.

    Thanks so much.

    Quads?? :eek:

  9. Hi Triscuit,

    My heart went out to you when I read your letter. I lost a little boy when he was 2 hours old during the Thalidomide problems. He was one of the early losses where children had parts of their internal organs missing. His heart was affected. Why I tell you this is that I have come to understand that all children that are conceived are in God's hands. You will meet your two little ones when you reach heaven. My boy would be nearly 50 now, and we remember his birthday each year - thanking God that he has him among his own in heaven. We had other children, who all know that they have a brother in Heaven, whom they will meet.

    Just try to relax in God's will, trust him absolutely. His way is always best. How wonderful it is for you to have two living children, may they come to know the Lord for themselves and be a blessing to you.
  10. As I read all the responses here , I noted that we all are not alone . I have also two babies in heaven that I will see one day.

    I don't understand why .... but leave it all in God's Hands . He knows best and has a reason for everything in our lives . We just need to trust Him more as I am doing every day.

    I have only one son and he was born when I was 40 . My first born and last .

    There is a little song we used to sing .... " Trust and obey for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus than to trust and obey "

    God Bless.:pray::pray::pray::bow::bow::bow::jesus-sign:
  11. One of my daughters had a miscarriage when she was 2 and a half months along, and a still-born when she was nearly 8 months along. After that she had four healthy children. Of course, at 40 and beyond it's going to be more difficult. I pray that God will bless you with at least one healthy child.
  12. Thank you Jon Marc. I do already have two beautiful healthy daughters.
    Which is part of the dilemma. Be content with the girls I have (which I am. Very much so) or desire another baby? THAT is where the tricky part lies. I don't think I want another. And yet we are to be open to God's will. I am having problems in that area right now concerning babies.
  13. Proverbs 3:5-6
    Isaiah 40:31
    Matthew 19:26
    Romans 8:28
    Philippians 4:13
    1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
    Hebrews 11:6

    David had other things that brought this about, but i thought you might like it:

    19 David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked.
    "Yes," they replied, "he is dead."

    20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
    21 His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!"
    22 He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." 24 Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and lay with her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon. The LORD loved him; 25 and because the LORD loved him, he sent word through Nathan the prophet to name him Jedidiah.

    I'm so sorry for your losses, I see the Lord is holding you up well. God bless you
  14. Another Side

    I just want to let you know how your post has affected me and to thank you for it. There is another side to hurt and even shame, and that is abortion. Just be thankful that you don't have to add that to your dispair.

    Some of us have had to live with the tragedy of our decisions, made before we knew what we were doing. Since becoming a Christian, I have had to face the fact that I will be seeing those babies in Heaven and face the shame of my sin. I know God forgives all our sins, even when we don't know we have committed one, and for that I am thankful.

    I guess I just wanted to share the losses I have had in my life, but didn't want to admit it at the time. Now, I see how wrong I was. God is so merciful to me because I dearly love babies and have the privilege of working with infants every day in my job. I just wish I would have known more about God when I was a teenager. Hugz, Sweets
  15. There is much grace and healing in Christ and you will see those babies. It is often much harder to forgive ourselves than accept forgiveness from God. Yet if we look back and see most of these things happened when we were quite lost and spiritually blind. God can restore all the enemy has taken and will bring great joy to your life. Those little ones are already experiencing joy and incomparable love now.
  16. The hardest thing is to reach that point of which Paul wrote: "Not that I speak in respect of want, for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Phil. 4:11

    That is a very difficult thing for all of us, Trish, to learn to be CONTENT. I am what I am; I have what I have; God has been better to me than I deserve, and yet I complain. Why? Do we think we deserve more and better things? Do we feel we have been short changed by society and by God? Do we think we are so good that God should bless us more? Are we so proud that we think we have the right to complain to Almighty God, "Why have You allowed this to happen? Why won't You answer me and give me what I want?"

    We are warned in Rom. 12:3 that we shouldn't think more highly of ourselves than we aught. However, the proud think they deserve only good things in life--especially the rich. Many of us, even as Christians, tend to complain to God about our problems, which too often aren't as bad as we make them out to be. I used to complain about my minor aches and pains until I spent 28 years working in a VA Medical Center and saw REAL suffering, REAL pain and sickness--physical and mental. Life and adversities will either humble us or make us proud and arrogant. I thank God it's doing the former with me.

  17. You're right, Bo. Those babies were not even people to me when I was blind. I think we all tend to hide things way back somewhere when we don't know how to handle them. Then God carefully brings them back to our minds when He knows we can handle it. He gives us Grace to handle it. And then we can ask forgiveness.

    The picture you gave of them being happy in Heaven was a wonderful gift to me. Thanx.
  18. Hi! Had to respond, being an adoptive mom myself:D... We couldn't afford the expenses of an open adoption or one through a regular adoption agency either, so we went through an agency that works with CPS(Child Protective Services) where the only thing you have to pay for are your court costs. We used the same lawyer for both adoptions and it only cost us about $1700 total and not all at once. Our story is amazing and a real testimony to God. If you want I'll PM you the details. I don't know how things are in your part of the world but I'm sure you must have something like CPS over there. I'd say pray about it and be opened for the answer. These girls are the biggest blessing God ever gave us. And BTW, I was 38 when we adopted them, not much younger than you are now.

  19. Probably the thing now is that I feel DONE having babies, and I am feeling guilty about not wanting anymore, as it's against what God says about desiring children. I don't want to go through another stillbirth, nor do I want to spend time in Vancouver which would be a HUGE disruption on the family and also the risks that come with preemies (for the baby itself). I just don't want to do it. And I am feeling guilty for not wanting to. There. I think I finally got down to the crux of the matter.
  20. I cannot understand how horrible this is for you to go through, however, I feel that to try again would not be wise, given you already have two blessings - much more than some. If you had no children, then that would be a different matter again.
    To put yourselves and your family through potential pain again would be unwise - and like you said, to deliver a premmie baby would be stressful for your family and children. Also, sad to say there is no guarantee that the child would live, there may be some hidden neurological reason your babies are dying.
    Hope this didn't sound to harsh, but that is my view on the matter.

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