Serious Doubts

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by Houghy, Feb 8, 2014.

  1. #1 Houghy, Feb 8, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2014
    Hi all - first post here, so first off hey and nice to meet everyone.

    I'm hoping I'm not wading into totally the wrong forum section here, but I've been scouting around for a place to talk over some serious doubts I'm having about Christianity and god in general and was hoping that this might be the kind of place that I could discuss these things (mods - if this isn't the right spot, please feel free to move this).

    In a nutshell, I have found myself in a place of massive doubt in regards to god and any faith that I might once have had. I suppose I'd better fill in a bit of back story and try to explain the way in which I'm questioning things - but this is all a bit mess in my head so you're going to have to bear with me a bit if you're still reading at this point.

    My wife of 2 years (and girlfriend before that for 2 more) is a pretty devout Christian, who's parents are pastors of a medium sized New Life church. I respect that she believes in god and that's fine, but we're in totally different places spiritually.

    Although I attended a church school when I was a kid, I was never really into it and spent most of my youth years doing the usual teenage related naughtiness - smoking cigarettes, smoking weed, drinking and watching porn. I wasn't a bad kid, but I didn't mind having a laugh and the thought never crossed my mind that there was anything wrong with any of the things I've just listed.

    Fast forward 8 years and I'd moved from England to New Zealand, cut down the amount of substance abuse (probably getting drunk or high five times a year rather than two or three times a week), gone to university, completed a degree, and worked a bunch of jobs. A girl that I totally fell for invited me along to her church and I went along just as an excuse to get to know her better. Fortunately she realised I was only going for her and not for the church so she helped me find a church closer to home and a group of friends to go with.

    After the thing with that girl ended, I carried on going to that church where I started to get a bit involved, went to an alpha course, got baptised and felt generally contented in my slow exploration of all things god. I met my wife-to-be at the church and we happily dated.

    After a while, I started to lose interest in the whole church thing as I felt it was all a bit fake and contrived. Everybody seemed to be striving to be these kind of spiritual, godly people...and while I sort of understand why, it also just seemed kinda of...I don't know, weird is the best word I've got. My wife suffered from serious depression not long after we were married and unfortunately no-one from the church bothered to check how she was doing, so she got quite jaded with it too. Post wedding day, we both pretty much walked away from the church - although the key difference was I walked away from religion and god entirely, and my wife just took a break while she got better.

    My wife is now better and no longer suffering from depression, and is beginning to get involved in church again (I'm stoked for her, as it genuinely seems to make her happy). She often seems to be worried that I am no longer 'pursuing God' and doesn't want me to give up on him.

    So, back story out of the way - I'm going to do my best to put how I'm feeling about this into words:

    Basically, for years now I haven't been able to feel anything when it comes to god. I know it's not just about feelings, but this whole idea of a heavenly father who sent his son to die for us so that we could be close to him just doesn't seem to resonate with me. I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to attack anyone's beliefs here, but it just seems to me that with all the set backs, injustice, lack, poverty, anger, disease, suffering, illness and death that has plagued both me and so many others in the world, how could there possibly be some omnipotent entity that cares about us? And if there was one, why in his own name would he give us one (one!) book that seems contradictory, irrelevant to modern times, and written in a way that is so massively open to interpretation that people have literally killed each other over their varying view points.

    There's a huge amount of uneducated Christians out there who tend to take bible scripture as fact and then tout what appear to be some extremely out there beliefs (the world is only 6,500 years old, women were created from a man's rib, Noah and his ark...etc) which certainly don't help how I feel, but for me it's mostly not about other people and what they think.

    I'm not looking for platitudes or scriptural "there there's", but if there is some great god watching and taking an interest in me, I don't feel it..and I sure as heck don't feel loved by it.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is, the only thing that keeps me from completely throwing this whole god thing out the window and just getting on with my life, is a simple fear of what will happen to me when I die. I don't want that to 'just be it', so I'm kind of clinging to this idea that there could be..should be....something. But the god of the bible..I don't know eh. He just doesn't seem to make any sense to me.

    Anyway, if you made it this far, thank you for actually bothering to read through my airing of my proverbial laundry. I'm sorry if any of what I said rubbed against the grain of your personal beliefs, I'm just so tired of feeling mutely confused when it comes to god - I just want to make a decision one way or the other for good and let that be that. For what it's worth, actually finally putting something down on (virtual) paper feels like at least a step in the right direction.
  2. yup, something is not right....

    yup again, our sense that something is not right....

    hmmm.... our sense of righteousness tells something that justice needs to set things right....

    Love your neighbor as yourself.....
    helping others is not mandatory in human law...
    but it is a law, a commandment in Christianity: seems right to me......

    It is not about saving one's ass.... it is about our search for righteousness
  3. Welcome!! :) I loved your posting. It's honest and truthful!

    I hope I can help. In your post, you didn't mention that you know what God has done for you.
  4. Thanks Abdicate! I appreciate you reading through the whole thing, I know it ended up being a bit of an epic waffle but thanks for sticking with it.

    From what I understand, god is supposed to have sent his son to die for my sins so that believers can have relationship with him which wouldn't have been possible otherwise. I like the idea of that, but I must admit this relationship often feels very one-sided (me doing all the questioning, him doing all the silence) which makes me question whether its actually taking place or not.

    P.S. Don't feel burdened to sort this out for me anything Abdicate (no-one should have to take on that responsibility!), I'm just properly talking through how I'm feeling about this for the first time in a long time - that in itself is helping.

    Sorry Aha, you've lost me a bit there. I understand your last point, that it's not supposed to be about the proverbial ass saving. But I must admit, that's about the only thing that stops me completely walking from god at the moment so I'm kind of mentally clinging onto it for the time being.
  5. Also you don't dictate what, but once told do.

    As believers we don't care about "Feeling" at least I don't. I care what God said in His word. When my son got cancer, I went and rebuked the devil and settled it. I sure did not feel anything and the doctor reports just got worse from there.

    However, doctor reports don't matter, how I felt did not matter, what God said is what mattered and He said with Long life I'll satisfy Him. I will perfect that which concerns you. I will never leave or forsake you. I believed that.

    It was a rare cancer, and it spread quick. After just 8 short days I get the report my son would not live through to the 9th day. I go from a happy little boy, to people wanting me to call and make funeral arraignments.

    If I went by how I felt, and what others were feeling then I would have had to doubt what God said in His Word. I am not moved by feelings but moved by what I believe.

    I did not feel God one time through the whole thing, but when I got the call that said My son would not live, I said to the devil he can fuss about it all he wants, He can't have my son and if he don't like it go take it up with Jesus, not me.

    It was the 9th day I get a call, I was told they had to keep my son all day because his spinal tap and bone marrow test from his hip showed ZERO cancer cells in His body. The were stumped.

    The same God that helped me, will do more for you and greater, but we have to get off this feeling kick and start believing what we read in His Word.

  6. This is not a burden, we ALL go through it. The thing that keeps coming back to me, is that with society what it is, we are bombarded day-in and day-out with "stuff": noise, distractions, toys, strangers, friends, phones, TVs, radios, tons of electronics, we've lost the ability to "be still".

    Psalms 46:10 (KJV) Be still, and know that I [am] God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

    See with the world screaming at 120 decibels and God speaks in a still small voice how can we hear Him if we're not quiet and patiently waiting on Him? Here's an example:

    1 Kings 19:11-12 (KJ2000) And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains, and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.

    God wasn't in the strong wind. God wasn't in the earthquake. God wasn't in the fire. God was in the still small voice. For a Christian to be a peace, filled with the awe and wonder of God, they MUST MUST MUST pray and meditate on the word of God. When you're mind is assaulted all day with stuff being dumped into it, you have to deal with it all, but God says He'll deal with it, but you have to be still and listen to Him. The more practice you have at being still in the midst of chaos the more you won't be affected by your surroundings and FEEL the Lord instead. There's no "quick fix". It takes time to think on the things of the Lord, being quiet and just chilling thinking about Him or something He's written in the word of God.

    It's a bit long, but read this post I made for someone else on meditation and what it really is scripturally:

    Let me know if you have any questions. God bless! :)

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