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Discussion in 'Biblical Advices' started by blessed, Apr 16, 2009.

  1. Question

    How 'still in control' are parents usually once son or daughter has reached his/her 20's? How much differerence is there usually in treatment of older and younger siblings, not in regards to their age now but in regards to each when they were a certain age and what was done for and with them and that when growing up? One example would be spending most of the day sharing a hobby with some siblings but openly criticizing the hobby of another and complaining if asked to do anything to get involved, heaping high praise on the achievements of one while barely aknowledging anothers...or maybe just to say 'you should have done better'. How usual is it to join certain sites or whatever to 'keep an eye on' a 20 something year old son or daughter's online social networking and to say he/she will always have to do as parent says as the bible doesnt put an age limit on it? What does it usually take for a parent to make a threat like disowning(refusing to have anything to do with)the adult child or threaten to kick him/her out of the home, even if it was never actually followed through and things were ok again afterwards? What if the son/daughter in question has completely lost all trust in this parent and relates to the parent as he/she would relate to someone outside of the family, converses with them like someone outside of the family?

    I hope I dont sound bad by this, and hope nobody I know recognises me or anything... Am I wrong for questioning this?:(
  2. great post.

    well, my Mom does not have control over my actions, but she certainly influences them because of my love and respect for her. I truly cannot stand to disappoint her, and I have never known of her trying to guide me in any direction but good. So, I happily try to listen to what she has to say now, LOL, it took me twenty six years of living and learning through mistakes, but GOD truly opened my eyes when HE saved me to show me what a wise mother he gave me to.

    My mom I guess was more protective of me cause i was a girl, but harder in some areas than with my brother, but i am soooooooooo grateful. she saw a lot of independence in me and wanted and still does want what is best. She had to raise my and my younger brother by herself because our dad died when i was eight and he was six.
    so i guess that brought in that she wanted to allow him to feel like a boy, to get to go down the road on the fourwheeler and hang out with the guys and all. I was not allowed down the road, lol; but, unfortunatly with all his independence he chose to spend it on drugs and has a downward spiral from there. we have had such a difficult time with him. He cannot do much of anything for himself and still relies on her and my grandparents for every necessity he has...

    I just praise GOD for such a great mom and grandparents. they have done their best and i feel so blessed to have them!
  3. I hope my post above isnt controversial or anything, I just want to know whats normal...
  4. I treat my three sons according to their maturity. From the beginning there have been rules regarding obedience, respect of each other, language spoken at home, school work, chores at home, friends, finances, responsibilities ...

    First and foremost, I am a strong believer in open, constructive communication, sharing of opinions, ideas and problems. Even criticism is to be constructive. Good communication is very important.

    I can control what is happening in my house but accept the fact that I cannot control what my children do when they are outside.

    As my children grow up, I give them more freedom to act independently. I want them to learn to be responsible for their actions. However, the rules at home are to be followed. This would prevent chaos.

    No matter how bad one of my children might behave, I would never disown him. He is my son and will always be. God gave me that responsibility and honor.

    However, if the child does not want to live by the rules at home and become defiant, there will be consequences according to the maturity of the child. If the defiant child is old enough to make it outside on his own, I would tell him to either change his attitude or get ready to leave the house in, say, two weeks or a month, giving him time to find a place to stay.

    I would never compromise the standard established at home.

    If later the child wants to come back home and abide by the rules at home, then my door would be wide open.

    If is definitely not easy to bring up children. A parent can never cease to love them even if it means chastising them in love as God does with us.
  5. If you have taught them in the ways of the Lord as a child, when they are older they will not depart from it. When I was in my early 20's I remembered that I was to honor my parents. This to me is to do things that would make all three of them happy my mom, dad, and my God. This was instilled to me as a child, and I never wanted to do anything else.
    Did they have control over me in a sense yes in what they taught me, and no I was married and I left my mother and father and cleived with my wife.
  6. I can tell you after being a Mother of four boys, that the old adage "as long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my/our rules" stands. It is your parent's house, therefore their rules apply no matter what age you are.

    As for treating kids differently at certain ages, I know that I was a lot stricter with the first two. I learned that you don't have to exactly be a drill sargeant in order to get things done or make them obey. Most times, leading by example and talking to them is enough. Sometimes it isn't.

    I personally believe that heaping high praise on one, while practically ignoring another child is wrong. I tried very hard to show each and every child just how special they are to me. However, I can say that different personalities make it easier to do that than others....but I still tried very hard to treat them equally.

    As for watching what you're doing on the internet....well like I said before, if you are still under their roof, they have a right to do what they feel is best for you. Having said that, I believe that showing my children that I trusted them was very important. My saying always was "I'm going to trust you until you give me a reason not to, and if you give me a reason not to, I'll be on ya like gravy on rice. So don't mess up." Most of them didn't.

    If a child has lost all tust in the parent, I would suggest that the child ask the parent to sit down and talk to them. If you're afraid to express your feelings to them, maybe you could go to the pastor of your church and tell him/her what's going on and ask them to counsel the two of you. Parents aren't perfect, no one is. When you were born, you didn't come with a manual to tell your parent how to raise you. And even though you feel like your parent is closer to one sibling than they are to you, doesn't mean it's so. It's usually about different personalities. Just the fact that you're still living there, even though it sounds like it's tough sometimes, tells me that the parent cares. So my advice would be to go to your pastor, or if you don't want it to be your pastor, go to any man/woman of God, tell them the situation and ask them to counsel. A lot of times, just getting things out in the open helps a great deal. This parent may not even realize that their actions are hurting. You may be totally misunderstanding where the parent is coming from. You won't know until you can talk it out. I think that's the best thing you could do.

    I think reaching out to people about it is a really smart thing to do.

    I'll be praying for you. If you need to talk to someone, please PM me.

    Hugs, Cheri:groupray:
  7. The only thing I see wrong with your questions is when you ask;"What is normal". Most relationship when examined closely are not exactly "Normal" and the worlds standard of what is normal and exceptable is far away from the biblical standard that it should not be used as a cryteria at all.
    A lot depends on the persons maturity and situation. My rules break down rather simply.
    It's your life unless I'm paying for it after the age of legal responsibility. In most places the legal age is 18 and in some aspects 21. That is when they are totaly legaly responsible for their actions
    "My house ,my rules" applies at the Theolophilus house reguardless if your 14 or 41.
    So in their "twenties" I have little to no control and the same in resposibility.
    All three of my children have had times when after living on their own when they needed help including a place to stay. And they knew we were there for them. But they also know that comes along with my rules.
    I hope you are giving an extreem example here. Certianly, though we try, we cannot always treat our children equely or fairly. And sometimes one will flurish under praise while the other will flounder, one will exel under preasure where the other will buckle. Some need praise while the others need a challange but it should never get so far that it destroys the family relationships.

    My father and brother were always loser than either were to me. My mother was closer to me than to the my brothers and sisters. But we never felt unloved or rejected.
    My oldest put us through hell from age14 -28 while the other two pretty much did well on their own. Now my "Protigal Daughter" is closer than the other two yet we all get along well.

    This beyond unaceptable behavour for a parent. Children are going to do wrong, they will sin, we have all sinned. To try to exercize such control over another adult is a sin. They need to work out their relationship and salvation with God with out this kind of obcessive dominance.
    For this a man will leave his mother and father and the two shall become one.
    There should always come a point in time when the children are own their own ,out from under the control of their parents. The only concideration is when that time should come ,not if or not it should come.

    Disown??? I speak for my self here when I say there should never come a time when a parent "disowns" Has Jesus ever "disowned" any of us???Even as we were sinners he loved us and died for us.
    How can one "disown" ther own flesh and blood????

    Kick them out ?? Certianly if they refuse to meet their resposiblities and are under our roof. I've only had to do that once and she left with the full understanding that if she was ready to do right she would be more than welcome to return. And she did just that. . .
    We give alternitives, not threats. "Mend your ways or leave", Their choice. . .
    I realy don't know how to respond to this except to say that is easier and better to prevent a severed relationship than it is to put one back together again. Trust is a magor issue with most people and God as well. I had a broken relationship with my father for several years and even though we were somewhat close near the end of his life we never had or could get what was lost by it.
    There are alway times of distance between parents and children, just as in any relatinship. I thank God that ours with our children has never gotten so bad that we couldn't mend it.
    One final note; There is one whom you can count on no matter what. . .
    Call upon the father in the name of Jesus. He will never forsake you. . .

    Sincerely His
  8. Parents who play favourites sometimes think they are encouraging the unfavoured ones to lift their game so they will advance in life.

    But this is Not what happens. All that happens is that a competitive and destructive sibling rivalry develops of the worst kind. The favoured one will use all means to undermine the confidence of their brothers and sisters to prevent them losing the love of their parent and the unfavoured ones will do all they can to drag the favoured one down so that they may gain the love of their parents. Children want to be love and those who believe they are loved will do anything to keep it.

    When a parent declares a child to be their favourite they are telling all their other children that they are second best, less loved, of less worth.

    What a toxic and destructive atmosphere they create. Playing favourites in the end turns into a cursed millstone around the necks of the parents as they try to deal with all the destructive outcomes of the culture they have set up within their own families.

    All Praise The Ancient Of Days
  9. once i graduated my parents didnt really care what i did as long as i payed my rent and didnt bring the cops to the door. i still had chores i had to do like the dishes and such but that was no problem seeing as my mom did my laundry cooked and cleaned. from i had a job right away after i graduated (7 week summer job then a week after i got home i had a full time job) now i live on the other side of the country so there isnt really much my mom could try and controll not that she ever did when i was at home.
  10. We have completed a study on the Creative Marriage Relationship at our Home Team Group. One of the things that I had a hard time accepting -and am still learning with a 15, 11, 2 and one on the way- that we as parents are called to raise a child in the teaching, training and admonishion of the Lord. To start, I had to realize that 1, my marriage covenent is forever and my job as a parent with my children only is for minimum 18 years. By law, at 18 (different for other places) our children are considered an adult whether we believe they are mature and equipped enough to do so or not.

    We as parents are to raise our children to be released into adulthood to be law abiding, good moral agents that follow God's life compass. I tell my older children that they are entering the ages at 15 and soon to be 12 that their walk today will effect who they are as adults. If they are disobedient now, they will be a menace to society and not reflect the love and wisdom of God to those who may need him.

    The Bible teaches us that we need to raise our children to "leave and cleave"-- our children are not to be in our "parental" care once they become an adult. In today's world, parents are controlling and young adults are turning to rebellion because of how controlling parents have become. No where in the marriage or parenting explanation does it say that you are to keep raising your children once they are an adult. There is a time to let go and let them grow, have faith that God will keep them in what you have planted inside of their hearts.

    I am not exactly sure by what you mean, however, I would like to remind us all that each child is different. AND- How we interract with each child is different. If you take two children who are similar and raise them the same, you will definately get different outcomes.
    Constant critisism or used to make one feel as if their accomplishment is unaccepted because one does not show the same interest will not only hurt the relationship, but cause a young person to build insecurities. However, if the hobbies are used in sinful ways, they need to be taught with love and truth and directed in the correct way. If they are 20 years old, one can still have an impact on thier lives not merely by "parenting" but by example and words of wisdom.

    If a parent feels that their adult child is in trouble, they need to go and talk to their child. Stalking them on social networking sites to spy on them probably isn't going to help either the parent or the child. Then again, there is the exception to every rule. The bible doesn't say by age 18 you are now an adult, or age 25 or 35. I feel very strongly though that if a child is living in your home being age 18 or 25, that a parent DOES have the right to KNOW what is going on in their home. But if a 20 year old is living and supporting themselves they have the responsibility to be an adult. Mom and Dad are now just for support, a living example and words of wisdom, but NOT "parenting".

    Threats are not good for anyone. Disowning would be sin according to many scriptures. Disowning also creates a division and hurts not only the person being disowned, but also the one who is disowning. Now making a young adult accountable and responsible by kicking them out of the nest is a totally different story. Again, we are to teach and guide our children to "leave" home and be a self supporting adult and then "cleave" to their marriage partner.
    For a parent to threaten to kick one out, and not follow through with it is detramental for both parties. It teaches the child-young adult- that it is ok to do whatever with no consequence and no accountability. It also teaches them that they cannot trust their parents word and walk all over them. This behavior of the parent also creates frustration within themselves. Then condemnation. All around, it is not good.

    This would be a consequence of parenting. This also would be the time for the parent begin praying for this son/daughter.

    You do NOT sound bad at all. You are inquiring about something that has been overlooked, and too many keeping their heads in the sand and not being taught in our churches and homes which in turn, has led to what adults and children have become. You are not wrong for questioning this it is actually an honorable thing to seek Godly wisdom and support. :groupray:

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