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Our Meddling Daughter

Discussion in 'Family and Parenting' started by dan in the lion's den, Jan 24, 2013.

  1. We have three offspring. Two are grown and one is still at home in his early teens. The two oldest are hostile toward us but want a relationship with our youngest and want us to stay out of the way while claiming "rights" to our youngest. A few years back, our oldest son was encouraged by us, while we were still on speaking terms, to have a relationship with his younger brother but he refused. Then, about a year ago the oldest went on a hate/curse spewing tirade against us on the phone telling us never to contact him again. A few months ago he contacted our youngest via email and tried to start a relationship. This threw our youngest for a loop. He knew our oldest had cursed out his mother and left her in tears. Our youngest doesn't trust his older brother anymore and was bewildered. This is where I stepped in and replied to the email that he should leave our youngest alone and keep his hate-spewing to himself. He said he wanted to have a relationship with his little brother without our input. I really doubt his motives and declined him contact with our youngest.
    This brings me to our daughter. She has expressed her desire to also have a relationship with our youngest yet wants us to stay clear. She refuses a relationship with us and wants us to stay out of the way. She claims she has a "right" to our youngest. She has invited our youngest to visit her for a week in Florida without our permission. She wants to fly him there and take him to all the tourist attractions. She claims our youngest is an adolescent and therefore can make his own decisions. Our youngest is perplexed why the play for him by his siblings and hasn't even bothered to reply to his sister's email.
    I told our youngest that I have concerns about our daughters motives and I have decided he will not be going.
    The two oldest know I suffer from an anxiety disorder and I feel they may be attempting to play on that.
    The wickedness in this world is astounding.
  2. I am not sure if you are venting or seeking fellowship/ counsel? If you want advise, can you please elaborate on the root of animosity between you and your children? (mot trying to be nosey- just difficult to advise without knowing the root.)

    My assumption is that is has something to do with your faith? Also, as for your youngest still living with you-it is your house-your rules. Maybe the internet privilege needs to vanish from your youngest; or at least limited and or chaperoned. (phone too.)

    We have raised too many techno dependent babies the last 20 years. Not sure how to advise...?

    Your eldest have no "rights" to your child living under your roof...

    Ephesians 6:1, Exodus 20:12
  3. DRS, thanks for your reply. Mostly I needed to hear reinforcement that these two eldest off-spring have no rights to our youngest son. Sometimes, especially those of us who were raised in abusive, disfunctional families have trouble establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. My wife tried to tell me the two eldest had a right to the youngest and I told her we can never give up our parental rights to these two. The two eldest seem bent on destruction and not uplifting and supporting us as a family unit. They advise my wife to divorce me and refuse to talk to her unless she does. They are not christians and their value system (moral compass) spins whichever way the wind blows. I would talk to my daughter one time and would seem to be getting through to her about the absolute necessity for Christ and then the next time I would see her she would make derisive comments about Christ and say that loving a "man" was homosexual and that Christians were basically fools. She would make arguments supporting aetheism. This almost schizo behavior from her went on for a few years.
    Both of the eldest are upset at us because our family was dysfunctional. My wife had been sexually abused as a child. I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused as well. We set strict behavior and scholastic rules for our kids as they grew up. Both my wife and I had anger issues and our kids grew rebellious and resentful. Even after my breakdown and landing on disability ,even after confessing the abuse I received at the hands of my parents and older brother, my kids remain unforgiving and seem bent on revenge.
    Our daughter's behavior became so erratic she got married and left my wife and I out of the wedding. She did this because she was upset we didn't agree to go on a cruise with her. I told her I had concerns being cooped up on a boat I couldn't get back off of. I told her I didn't like crowds and I didn't want to be out of U.S. legal jurisdiction. My anxiety causes my blood pressure to get extremely high. The other night it hit 220/120. I don't see myself living too many years more.
    Our youngest is a true gift from heaven. He cares about right and wrong. He cares about us as his parents. He knows things spiritually he really shouldn't know at such a young age and has helped us both be better parents. He knows we care for him and love him and he sees how his siblings act and disapproves of their antics and behavior.
    I needed to hear that I am within my rights to deny the two eldest unlimited access to our youngest. My wife still mourns the loss of the relationships and is willing to compromise our rights to them. I have told her we cannot concede any rights to the two eldest as they have already stated they want our youngest to move to Florida and go to school there. Our youngest wants nothing to do with that and sees through their veil.
    Thanks again for your supportive comment. I needed to hear that more than you know.
  4. My prayers go out for you, sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

    Any advice I could give seems deflated; so my thoughts are these:

    You can only be accountable for your heart condition with Jesus Christ; that being said, we will be accountable for our actions as well, but it will not condemn us after accepting Jesus Christ as our Savior. We are commanded to LOVE our children-whether we agree with what they are doing or not. Even as adults, children need to be prayed for by their parents-I am not telling you condone their actions, but love them through Christ in prayer.

    Get closer to Christ: read your Bible, pray, meditate on the Word daily and give your problems to Him.

    Get closer to your wife through Christ: reading, praying, worshiping and fellowship together.

    Get closer to your youngest through Christ: reading, praying, worshiping and fellowship together.

    Try to approach prayers for your other children with humble heart. Try not to let the cares of this world get you too flustered.

    Remember we are only here for "a little while." Then we will be with the Father. Focus on Christ, Do you have a good Bible Believing Church home? If not I would pursue one. Do you have a family devotional time: after dinner, before bed, or in the morning could work for you depending on your schedule. Even if you read one verse a day together and say a quick prayer-that is still better than nothing. We need the Word in our lives to grow spiritually...

    I have family that have chosen to ignore Christ as Savior so I understand how painful that can be. Hope this helps.

    Maybe you should read John chapter 3.

    Side note: is the HBP due to diet/ weight, diabetes? I have a weight issue so I started a new diet at the beginning of the year:

    5 days a week: veggies and 1-2 protein servings
    1 day a week: ANYTHING I want (as long as it is within reason-not gorging)
    1 day a week nothing but vegetables.

    Seems to be working for me-I feel much better, more motivated. PLEASE consult your doctor before changing your routine. I find it best to keep my anything day and vegan day the same every week.
  5. Your son, while still a minor, is legally your responsibility and his siblings have no legal "rights" to him or to make decisions for him or even to have access to him. When he is 18, he can make his own decisions about his relationships and activities, until then, you and your wife make the decisions. Number one consideration looking at this is, it seems fairly obvious that your other children are looking after their own interests, interests of quite dubious nature at best, and not those of your youngest son. For your son's sake, you need to maintain boundaries and make decisions about his life for his good.
  6. Thanks Rumely, these posts will help me make my case to my wife. I really hold suspicion as to my daughter's motives. She had come into town for a few days and made no effort to contact our youngest, which was fine with me, and yet my wife contacted her asking why she hadn't seen our youngest while in town. Our daughter replied that she had been texting and e-mailing our youngest but that he wasn't replying.
    I told my wife that I thought these were lies. We checked the phone records and I monitor our youngest's e-mail and there were no such contacts. Our daughter had lied about this once before a few years back when she claimed our youngest was repeatedly texting her from school during school hours. This was proven false by the phone records. She seems to be attempting to try and cause discord between us and our youngest.
    She seems to think that she can lure our youngest away by causing enough discord and then swooping in as his savior to whisk him away to Florida. She also seems to be trying to get me and my wife separated physically by inviting my wife on a cruise without me. This caused a huge blow up between my wife and I. My wife had initially agreed to go on that cruise without telling me. The argument was fierce and that was the end of mine and my daughter's relationship. I told my wife our daughter crossed the line and was meddling in our marriage.
    My daughter seems to be trying to get me off-shore or at least to Florida. I don't know the purpose. Are the laws in Florida such that I, as one with an emotional disorder, can be more easily commited to an institution in that state? What is her motive? She has been trying to get us to go to Florida for some time even before she moved there. She and her boyfriends would take cruises out of Galveston when she lived here, but everytime she would mention us going on a cruise with her, she would say we would have to depart from Florida. Why Florida? She even initially planned to have her wedding in Florida even though she still lived here in Texas. Why have a wedding several states over? The groom's family lived here as well. We have no connection to that state.
    And now she lives there and wants our youngest there, telling him she will send him to college there. I feel she has become a very disingenuous human being and her behavior is bizaar in the least and sinister at the most probable. I refuse to relate to someone who repeatedly refuses to put their best foot forward with me.
  7. Upon further thought, I'm now wondering if there is some state law in Florida that makes it possible for adult siblings to gain legal rights over minor siblings and this is why she insists our youngest go there alone....a kind of legal kidnapping if you will.
    I'll tell you a story about my daughter that sends chills up my spine to this day.
    Before she met her present husband, our daughter was living with and engaged to a peculiar fellow "Mike". As they lived together, she insisted on him spending money on her. Mostly this spending involved eating out frequently(and I don't mean McDonalds) and clothes shopping. Vacations were frequent as were night clubs. She told us that he was complaining about how he was no longer able to save money due to her spending. She proceeded to continue until his checking account was depleted and his savings as well. She told us she had basically reduced him down to living paycheck to paycheck. She thought this was funny.
    His parents had had big plans for their wedding and wedding gift but found themselves wiped out financially by bad investments in the stock market.
    This is where it goes from bad to worse and , for all I know, sinister. "Mike" had a childhood friend from the neighborhood who had just hit on hard times health-wise. They were supposed to be best friends. "Anthony" had known Mike all his life and trusted him. Anthony was married to a Columbian woman. My daughter and Mike noticed they hadn't heard from Anthony in a while. Then one day Anthony calls Mike up saying he needed help. My daughter and Mike went to go see him and they noticed he looked sickly with significant weight loss. My daughter said he seemed to be wasting away before their eyes. Anthony's mind started to go shortly thereafter. Anthony said his wife was involved in a huge money-laundering ring from Columbia and that he wanted to divorce her but first he wanted his share of the money. The money was counterfeit money to be smuggled from Columbia. Anthony wanted to divorce his wife because he felt she was slowly poisoning him.
    As time passed Anthony continued to waste away until he was wheelchair bound. He was only able to eat baby food toward the end. He was hospitalized and when my daughter and her fiance' visited him, Anthony told her his blood tests showed heavy metal levels. I asked my daughter why the police were not involved....she had no answer. I asked why the hospital was not contacting the authorities. She said she didn't know and it was none of her business. I said she could get a medical records release signed by Anthony and then it could be her business. She and Mike strangely declined even after seeing the blood test results themselves and seeing the high metal content of his blood.
    I was then told Anthony was released from the hospital even though he couldn't walk. He was then placed in a shelter.
    Our daughter and Mike moved into a house and at my urging took Anthony in. Mike had recently bought a gun for protection. I was told he had never been around firearms and that this was his first exposure to a pistol. He brought the pistol over to our house once to show it off. To this day I believe I was lied to regarding his experience level with firearms. He demonstrated proficiency with that pistol that only comes with experience. Any gun owner knows when someone demonstrates proficiency and when they don't when it comes to firearms.
    Anthony lived with Mike and my daughter for a short while until one day he was left alone and commited suicide out in the backyard with Mike's gun. My daughter was the first to find him. She screamed and the neighbors called the police.
    Our daughter came over and told us what happened. The strange thing was she didn't tell us right away but waited a day or two after it happened. Also when her and Mike came over to talk about it, he kept scratching the side of his face everytime I asked him a question regarding Anthony. I thought it strange because this was the very same thing my oldest son would do whenever he would lie to me throughout his childhood. He later even asked how I always knew he was lying and I told him it was because he would always scratch his face when he was untruthful.
    Mike quit coming over after I pointed this behavior of his whenever I asked of Anthony. Shortly afterwards Mike suddenly came across $50k. I asked our daughter where this money came from. She said his parents gave it to him. I reminded her that she had told me they were wiped out and couldn't even afford to send them away on a honeymoon.
    She told us that they weren't marrying anyway and that the wedding was called off.
    Here's where it gets stranger. Mike bought a house with the money to rent out and eventually flip for a profit and put my daughter's name on the deed with his as if part of the investment was hers. Why would a guy give half a house to someone who just ditched him? Where did this $50k come from? Was this blood money? Was Anthony's suicide an assisted suicide? Was it a murder?
    I never met Anthony personally. I never actually laid eyes on him. Did he even actually exist? If he didn't exist...what was my daughter's motive for fabricating such a bizarre story? Why was Mike showing deceitfulness each time he spoke of Anthony?
    Anthony was quickly cremated after his death. Was this to hide evidence of heavy metal poisoning? Was this said so there would never be a grave for me to see if this was some cockamamie story? The whole thing is beyond bizarre.
    Rumely, as far as I can tell you are the most mature and well-balanced person I have seen on this forum. All are welcome to tell me what they think but I am especially interested in any insight you can shed here Rumely.
    Is this world as dark a place as I fear it is?
  8. Unfortunately, every day's news stories confirm that there is a great deal of darkness around us. Pretty much every day I see schemes gone awry, people killing their best friends in the heat of an argument (usually under the influence of drugs or alcohol), embezzlers caught, identity theft rings, juvenile prostitution rings, vulnerable adults taken advantage of by their caregivers, and the list goes on. This is why I have to say, as much as I'd like to say that you're just being paranoid, your suspicions don't sound crazy.

    I don't know what your daughter may have in mind, but I would not allow her to be in control of your son. Frankly, if I had the same experiences and suspicions you have, I would never allow my son to be with my daughter without my presence and I would monitor all communications between the two of them. I would encourage my son to be open and forthright with me about his interactions with her. Maybe someday it will turn out that all your suspicions and fears were groundless and then you can breathe a sigh of relief and go from there. In the meantime, you have to exercise the best judgement for your son's safety and well being that you can.

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