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Jewish Humour

Discussion in 'Humor' started by KingJ, Jul 7, 2014.

  1. Remember the Jewish comedians -- Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman and others?

    They used to rattle off these jokes without using a single swear word in them!

    - A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? "The man says: "I make a reasonable living."
    - I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
    - Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
    - We always hold hands when my wife and I go out. If I let go, she shops.
    - My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
    - My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
    - My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
    - She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
    - The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
    - Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
    - Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. "Doctor: "Then don't answer it!"
    - A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
    - Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
    - Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
    - The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
    - There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
    - Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
    - Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.
    - A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son: "Why are you so weak?" She said: "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son said: "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "The mother: "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full of food in case you should phone."
    - A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner: Take it or leave it.
    - A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks: "What part is it?" The boy says: "I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
    - Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A : Under the vacuum cleaner.
    - Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
    - A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says: "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"
    - Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
    Euphemia likes this.
  2. They saved the swearing and off-colour jokes for the Catskills.

    And wow did they tell nasty ones.
  3. Loved those old comedians! They knew what real humour was! Thanks for sharing these, KingJ!
  4. Remember when TV was free of vulgarity, sexual immorality, and cursing of God.
  5. I really don't remember such days.. May be I am just too young :rolleyes:
    JG27_chili likes this.
  6. Instead the vulgarity was at home with our ex-military fathers with their chain smoking, constant drinking and ceaseless use of swears.

    Ah those were the golden years.
  7. Ya it was b4 the 1970's. LOL I guess that makes me older than dirt aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha!

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