When I was a child I started going to church with my neighbors. I went every Sunday and believed everything that was said to me. I would go to church multiple time a week and attended CCD and the youth program there. Everything was fine and I was happy. Then my older sister died I was torn apart but didn't grieve properly and pushed god out of my life completely. I started to use drugs heavily and was court ordered to a rehab. I went to a catholic charity rehab in Miami where they taught that god could help me with my addiction. I didn't believe in god so how could this help. One day I had a crazy break through where I believe I felt god enter my life and help me with burdens I carried. It, to this day, is the strangest most amazing feeling I have ever experienced and I can not explain what it was. Needless to say I left the rehab my life went on god left the picture again and I joined the military. I do not believe in god, at all. I think religion is a scam and god was created by the rich and powerful to control the masses. But there is a strange thing about this. I want to believe in god. I want to feel his presence like I did that one day 11 years ago. My wife hates that I don't believe and has even told me she doesn't want to be with me because if this fact. I have no compassion or sympathy for anyone. I'm incredibly cold hearted and shallow. I need to believe in god I just can't bring myself to. I've spent so long thinking that people who believed in god are uneducated and the bible is a load of crap and it is impossible for any if that stuff to be true. Even now I'm considering exiting out of this page and going on with my life. I need someone here to convince me that god is there and he cares for me. I've asked him into my heart I've said the prayers but I feel nothing. I also don't want to hear that I really have to mean it because if god really loved me he would come into my life regardless of if I mean it or not. Please tell me how to let him into my heart and why isn't he helping me?!?!