How to express anger or be assertive in a healthy way?

autumn oddity

autumn oddity

This is something I struggle with. Often times I feel like this emotion doesnt exist within me because I dont express it often.
I feel angry but its never expressed...

Some think its a great feat that my "anger switch" is never turned on so to speak....but I often feel it can be a tremendous disservice..

As this also translate to me having issues stsnding up for myself... And thats not good.

I think since I have anxiety, most of my energy is spent trying not to lose it...that if I express any hint of anger it would take so much energy out of... Another reason I feel I font express anger often is because...

I dont experience many situations that would elicit anger...I remember one time where I flipped my lid...and that was 8 years ago. So since its not something I do often .....even in situations where being assertive would be called for...it would be hard to generate the gumption to be assertive/express anger.

My personality ( when I'm not freaking out lol) is phlegmatic or bubbly. I'm very Type B...dont want to make not cause waves...

However I know in life there will be situations where I have to be able to handl3 conflict and I doubt my ability to do this.
I even have a hard time projecting my voic3..
 
Ok heres a thought experiment for you, when Satan tries to tempt you do you tell him to get lost or do you just try to make a deal with him so as not to offend him. Are you friends with the world which is emnity with God?

God has given us His word which is like a sword of spirit to speak out of our mouths. If something is wrong are you going to speak up and make a stand or just let the wicked decieve you and push you around?

The more we renew our mind with His word the more we are equpped for the battle.
 
Lanolin said:
Ok heres a thought experiment for you, when Satan tries to tempt you do you tell him to get lost or do you just try to make a deal with him so as not to offend him. Are you friends with the world which is emnity with God?

God has given us His word which is like a sword of spirit to speak out of our mouths. If something is wrong are you going to speak up and make a stand or just let the wicked decieve you and push you around?

The more we renew our mind with His word the more we are equpped for the battle.
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Give me an exmaple of how to stqnd up for myself.. I feel I could do it..but it would be wrong to cuss someone out..but it would get the point across.
 
It helps to practice saying no.

Like if someone asks you to do something thats wrong or tries to sell you something you dont need, just say sorry Im not interested or no thanks not for me. You dont need to be rude about it. Then walk on by. Avoid them in the future.


If they are being like a dog and hounding you, firmly tell them to get lost. I found the thing is dont walk around looking lost so people can latch on to you if you belong to God you have the Almighty on your side. God has given you his light to walk by so you dont fall into a ditch. Keep walking and your eyes on Jesus. Use his name if need be.


An example might be someone wants to tell you all their problems expecting you to solve them or be burdened with them. Just tell them God can handle it and you can even offer to pray for them right now. Or say why dont we pray about it?

The thing is we actually dont need to stand up for ourselves - in that we need to assert our own rights above everyone else. We need to stand up for Him. God protects us with his shield of faith but we need to put on His armour.

Learn from the book of Joshua how to be brave and coruageous. He wasnt detered by the giants in the promised land. He knew what God had promised and what God could do.
 
Lanolin said:
It helps to practice saying no.

Like if someone asks you to do something thats wrong or tries to sell you something you dont need, just say sorry Im not interested or no thanks not for me. You dont need to be rude about it. Then walk on by. Avoid them in the future.


If they are being like a dog and hounding you, firmly tell them to get lost. I found the thing is dont walk around looking lost so people can latch on to you if you belong to God you have the Almighty on your side. God has given you his light to walk by so you dont fall into a ditch. Keep walking and your eyes on Jesus. Use his name if need be.


An example might be someone wants to tell you all their problems expecting you to solve them or be burdened with them. Just tell them God can handle it and you can even offer to pray for them right now. Or say why dont we pray about it?

The thing is we actually dont need to stand up for ourselves - in that we need to assert our own rights above everyone else. We need to stand up for Him. God protects us with his shield of faith but we need to put on His armour.

Learn from the book of Joshua how to be brave and coruageous. He wasnt detered by the giants in the promised land. He knew what God had promised and what God could do.
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That stuff I can handle. I know how to deal with that. Its just someone full on yelling I cant manage.
 
autumn oddity said:
This is something I struggle with. Often times I feel like this emotion doesnt exist within me because I dont express it often.
I feel angry but its never expressed...

Some think its a great feat that my "anger switch" is never turned on so to speak....but I often feel it can be a tremendous disservice..

As this also translate to me having issues stsnding up for myself... And thats not good.

I think since I have anxiety, most of my energy is spent trying not to lose it...that if I express any hint of anger it would take so much energy out of... Another reason I feel I font express anger often is because...

I dont experience many situations that would elicit anger...I remember one time where I flipped my lid...and that was 8 years ago. So since its not something I do often .....even in situations where being assertive would be called for...it would be hard to generate the gumption to be assertive/express anger.

My personality ( when I'm not freaking out lol) is phlegmatic or bubbly. I'm very Type B...dont want to make not cause waves...

However I know in life there will be situations where I have to be able to handl3 conflict and I doubt my ability to do this.
I even have a hard time projecting my voic3..
Click to expand...

Hello Autumn Oddity;

God understands that men and women get angry, and when we hold it inside for various reasons. God also empowers us how to manage our anger.

PRAYER FIRST. When we go into prayer, be transparent with God. I express to God that I'm really angry about a situation or someone, most of the time its a situation or someone.

BIBLE REFERENCES FIRST. There are many scriptures in the Old and New Testaments about anger, reference James:

James 1:19-20, 19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

THEN, APPLICATON. During your next situation when you feel angry and hold it inside, how do you stand up for yourself? Again, please reference the scripture above.

FOR EXAMPLE. If I yell at you, Autumn, you can see I'm the one who has the problem and cannot control my behavior. You cannot hear what I'm saying because all you see and hear is my anger. I'm the one who has the problem. So, when you refuse to bring yourself to my disrepectful standard, you are actually standing for yourself. Your feelings may hurt inside, but you are in control.

OR, if you are angry with me, Autumn, and don't want to trigger your anxiety, try expressing yourself to me in a calm tone, "Bob, I'm angry with you".

9 times out of 10 I will hear you, that you are angry with me. Then you can express why you are angry with me and I will hear your words, instead of hearing you explode. Your emotional well being remains calm, thus your anxiety doesn't trigger. You are making a stand with me.

You are already glorifying God because your control is a good witness for Christ.

We have a long time church member whose heart palpitates when she gets angry or emotional and has had to go to the hospital many times. I have been ministering to her for many years. What I'm sharing with you, I shared with her years ago. She has made wonderful progress, Praise Him!

Autumn, it's ok. We all get angry. So, first thing, go to God in prayer and confession. We can confess anything to God, but go to Him in reverence (deep respect).

The Bible points to many scriptures about anger. At the back of your Bible should be a concordance. Please look up anger, and then read what led to anger in those points in the Bible. This will also help you get perspective. Even Jesus got angry in the Gospel about the money changers in the temple.

I hope this helps a little, Autumn, and there is more to share but thought a little bit at a time will help sink in.

Our prayers are with you and your family.
 
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bobinfaith said:
Hello Autumn Oddity;

God understands that men and women get angry, and when we hold it inside for various reasons. God also empowers us how to manage our anger.

PRAYER FIRST. When we go into prayer, be transparent with God. I express to God that I'm really angry about a situation or someone, most of the time its a situation or someone.

BIBLE REFERENCES FIRST. There are many scriptures in the Old and New Testaments about anger, reference James:

James 1:19-20, 19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

THEN, APPLICATON. During your next situation when you feel angry and hold it inside, how do you stand up for yourself? Again, please reference the scripture above.

FOR EXAMPLE. If I yell at you, Autumn, you can see I'm the one who has the problem and cannot control my behavior. You cannot hear what I'm saying because all you see and hear is my anger. I'm the one who has the problem. So, when you refuse to bring yourself to my disrepectful standard, you are actually standing for yourself. Your feelings may hurt inside, but you are in control.

OR, if you are angry with me, Autumn, and don't want to trigger your anxiety, try expressing yourself to me in a calm tone, "Bob, I'm angry with you".

9 times out of 10 I will hear you, that you are angry with me. Then you can express why you are angry with me and I will hear your words, instead of hearing you explode. Your emotional well being remains calm, thus your anxiety doesn't trigger. You are making a stand with me.

You are already glorifying God because your control is a good witness for Christ.

We have a long time church member whose heart palpitates when she gets angry or emotional and has had to go to the hospital many times. I have been ministering to her for many years. What I'm sharing with you, I shared with her years ago. She has made wonderful progress, Praise Him!

Autumn, it's ok. We all get angry. So, first thing, go to God in prayer and confession. We can confess anything to God, but go to Him in reverence (deep respect).

The Bible points to many scriptures about anger. At the back of your Bible should be a concordance. Please look up anger, and then read what led to anger in those points in the Bible. This will also help you get perspective. Even Jesus got angry in the Gospel about the money changers in the temple.

I hope this helps a little, Autumn, and there is more to share but thought a little bit at a time will help sink in.

Our prayers are with you and your family.
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I dont know if people are understanding...but my issue isnt that I fly off the handle...my issue is...*When I should be mad* I dont get mad at all...thus letting people walk all over me.

Because, like the lady..my heart paliptates too when I'm angry but not out of anger but fear because so much is going on all at once...so what ever anger I had..is dissolved by the fear. The fear outweighs the anger...which is why I cant stand up for myself.
Anger causes a racing heart for me, which triggers my anxiety...so to avoid it all together...I dont express anger because I hate losing control and feeling anxious.
 
autumn oddity said:
I dont know if people are understanding...but my issue isnt that I fly off the handle...my issue is...*When I should be mad* I dont get mad at all...thus letting people walk all over me.

Because, like the lady..my heart paliptates too when I'm angry but not out of anger but fear because so much is going on all at once...so what ever anger I had..is dissolved by the fear. The fear outweighs the anger...which is why I cant stand up for myself.
Anger causes a racing heart for me, which triggers my anxiety...so to avoid it all together...I dont express anger because I hate losing control and feeling anxious.
Click to expand...
Your not avoiding it but trying to manage it.
You do not ever have to be angry.
You don't have to let people walk over you .

To me it sounds like you try to keep your anger bottled up and that is taking its toll on you as well.

Blessings
 
bobinfaith said:
Dear Autumn;

You are a wonderful woman of God and just like the rest of us, we all have our demons of anger and fear. You remind me very much of our church member, and do understand you. *When I should be mad*? The fear outweights the anger

What you are sharing is serious and we want to bear and pray for you. Please give yourself time to allow what Lanolin and the others posted sink in with you. There is some wise pointers she gave to you.

God bless you, Autumn, and your family.
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This should be undeleted.
 
Fish Catcher Jim said:
Your not avoiding it but trying to manage it.
You do not ever have to be angry.
You don't have to let people walk over you .

To me it sounds like you try to keep your anger bottled up and that is taking its toll on you as well.

Blessings
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Yes youre right... The secons part I have an issue trying to prevent(people walking all over me)
 
autumn oddity You love Jesus. You believe -->"16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."[Jhn 3:16 KJV]
You know God loves YOU, and sent his own son into this world to die. You know Jesus gave up his own life for YOU.
Why? Because you are loved... you were worth the sacrifice. You mean something! (If you are that special to Him... you should be special to YOU.) Your life means something to God. He has a purpose for you.
Knowing this, you must realize that if Jesus loves you... you are someone He cares about.... and so you should value yourself as well. You are HIS.

It is said that we "teach people how to treat us". It's like children.... they will do whatever they think they can get by with doing. You have to first respect yourself, (self esteem, confidence). Realize that you are a child of God! It is not right for anyone to show disrespect toward anything or anyone that is God's.
So you are not only representing yourself... you are God's daughter!! You have to appreciate who you are, so that you are able to set, (and maintain), boundaries... You don't have to be mean or selfish...
Think of someone you know and respect.... maybe a friend, grandmother, aunt, etc. Someone who is kind, generous, loving, but also firm... but that people don't "push around". Consider why they don't. When this person says no, it means no. How would this person react if someone yelled at her? Or would anyone dare to try it?
If a discussion becomes uncomfortable, just end it. You have that right. Just say, I'm sorry, but I am not discussing this with you. And mean it!! You don't ever have to justify your decisions or explain your reasons to anyone!
You must also learn to control your emotions.... don't allow them to control you. Be aware of what you are thinking, why you are thinking it... and what you can do to adjust those thoughts/words/conversations into positive ones. Our emotions are the devil's playground... they give him so much easy ammunition to use against us, in all sorts of ways. Don't give him that power over you! When you feel yourself begin to get upset... stop your mind for a minute, take a deep breath, ask for God's guidance, cast out those negative things, and stick to your decision... with firmness... and love.
 
Fish Catcher Jim said:
Autumn without going into personal details that everyone does not need to know.

Could you give me a couple of examples of what you are considering of people walking over you is?

Thanks
Blessings
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People blatantly in your face making derogatory mean remarks about you and your family and not doing,anything about it.

People trying to intimidate you and you get intimidated.

People trying to take advantage of them and you let them.


Just being weak in general.
 
AtomicSnowflake said:
autumn oddity You love Jesus. You believe -->"16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."[Jhn 3:16 KJV]
You know God loves YOU, and sent his own son into this world to die. You know Jesus gave up his own life for YOU.
Why? Because you are loved... you were worth the sacrifice. You mean something! (If you are that special to Him... you should be special to YOU.) Your life means something to God. He has a purpose for you.
Knowing this, you must realize that if Jesus loves you... you are someone He cares about.... and so you should value yourself as well. You are HIS.

It is said that we "teach people how to treat us". It's like children.... they will do whatever they think they can get by with doing. You have to first respect yourself, (self esteem, confidence). Realize that you are a child of God! It is not right for anyone to show disrespect toward anything or anyone that is God's.
So you are not only representing yourself... you are God's daughter!! You have to appreciate who you are, so that you are able to set, (and maintain), boundaries... You don't have to be mean or selfish...
Think of someone you know and respect.... maybe a friend, grandmother, aunt, etc. Someone who is kind, generous, loving, but also firm... but that people don't "push around". Consider why they don't. When this person says no, it means no. How would this person react if someone yelled at her? Or would anyone dare to try it?
If a discussion becomes uncomfortable, just end it. You have that right. Just say, I'm sorry, but I am not discussing this with you. And mean it!! You don't ever have to justify your decisions or explain your reasons to anyone!
You must also learn to control your emotions.... don't allow them to control you. Be aware of what you are thinking, why you are thinking it... and what you can do to adjust those thoughts/words/conversations into positive ones. Our emotions are the devil's playground... they give him so much easy ammunition to use against us, in all sorts of ways. Don't give him that power over you! When you feel yourself begin to get upset... stop your mind for a minute, take a deep breath, ask for God's guidance, cast out those negative things, and stick to your decision... with firmness... and love.
Click to expand...
Yeah, you're right. However. Even as old as I am...I realize I struggle with confidence wnd my self worth.
 
Ok with people yelling at you or threatening you - that is hard for anyone to handle actually.
What Jesus did when people mocked him he just didn't answer back. He went away from their vicinity.

Check out 1 Peter 2:23

Also remember God said 'vengeance is mine, I will repay' - He is a God of justice and will avenge what is wrong with His mighty arm - this is so we (children of God) don't get hurt or have to expend our energy being angry - God's wrath is far greater than any human can contain, He could even call fire down from Heaven if need be, thankfully we don't have that power as it can inflict great damage. We can pray though and if you read psalms David often prayed angry prayers on his enemies, because, well God had a whole army at his disposal - the heavenly host. Revelations tells us its His angels that release the plagues - can any one of us be so angry that we can release a plague at will, well, when people do that it's disastrous and often for evil purposes like agent orange or holocaust. God can just send a drought or locusts or an earthquake. He can cause the ground to fall beneath ones feet and smite Sodom and Gomorrah. Yet he knows each and every hair on our heads and will save the righteous like he did with Lot or Noah and the ark.
 
autumn oddity said:
I dont know if people are understanding...but my issue isnt that I fly off the handle...my issue is...*When I should be mad* I dont get mad at all...thus letting people walk all over me.

Because, like the lady..my heart paliptates too when I'm angry but not out of anger but fear because so much is going on all at once...so what ever anger I had..is dissolved by the fear. The fear outweighs the anger...which is why I cant stand up for myself.
Anger causes a racing heart for me, which triggers my anxiety...so to avoid it all together...I dont express anger because I hate losing control and feeling anxious.
Click to expand...

In what I have been learning anger is most of the time judgement against another person and is another reaction of fear. Unless like Jesus it's righteous anger. And promotes an action that protects another or protects God's Word.

Anger is not really a beneficial action/behavior. If you think about it... being meek or just walking away.. takes more strength and self control (which is a fruit of the spirit) than blowing up and getting angry. We are told by Jesus to be like Him (which is meek) and those whom are uncontrolled in their temper get reprimanded or scolded in a way... it's not acceptable according to the Bible

To many people think walking away is weakness... but that's just the devil lying to people so he can get or convince them to act like him, or allow their ways/characteristics to be like his.
 
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