I would like to just share some insights,if I may.
We ARE flesh and the flesh hurts, has hang-ups and habits that we hold onto. These can keep us in bondage to regret, guilt, grief and other emotional cages. We cannot truly be free if we can't let go.......this is where I find myself.
I will start at the beginning and the beginning is life.
Born to a young woman who suffered abuse and a man who was evil and uncaring. He was a military man, this is the only selfless thing I can think of he ever did.......but he most likely had a selfish motive there also......How can you LOVE your country and not love those born of your seed?
Our life was so poor in the 60's & 70's that those in poverty looked down on us. We lived in houses that should have been condemned,had at times no running water nor electricity. I've read many a book by candle- lite. I'm not saying any of this to garner sympathy nor pity. I just want to share with you the events of recent happenings shaped by a life of hurts.
He was a big man and a brute. He cared only for his wants and needs. My Moma had 7 children born of his seed.
I was 18 months younger than my elder sister who was first- born. She was blonde, beautiful with big brown eyes. Her life here was short, she passed at 19 with brain tumors. She suffered much in the 19 years she was here. Suffered sexual abuse at 4 y.o., this is MY first memory at age 3,seeing him at 6'4 raping a tiny child. I did not understand what I saw but even then I knew something was wrong.
We were beat and tortured and verbally abused until we were able to leave the house for good.
I have held on to all that happened to us, thinking somehow it was ALL my fault. This is how I was shaped by a past that nearly drove me out of my mind. I have packed all this junk deep inside myself and continued the torture he started until this past Dec.in 2021 when my baby brother passed away at 58. It's been almost four months and I've suffered regret bc I'm older and still here, they have all been my younger siblings except one.
I married the first man I could at 19 only to get away from home. He was 22 years older and was suffering from mental issues but he was born again. We had a son and then a daughter 2 yrs later. This is when the mental issues took over our lives.
Once again I had times of want to feed my children , had no electricity and except for the abuse,we were walking down the same road I grew up on.
Many times I had to be strong, not by choice but by necessity. He just gave into his disease. He would sleep for weeks at a time, I became HIS mother also! Once he had 11 jobs in 12 months. His voices talked to him all the time and obscured the will and voice of God. He was bi- polar and paranoid. According to him, I was no better than a harlot sleeping with the men of the church. He verbally abused our son by telling him he was worthless and would amount to nothing. For 17 yrs I stayed but one night he held a butcher knife to my side...if he would hurt me then he would also hurt our children. I was able to leave when he went to sleep.
I opened myself and took on more guilt in thinking it was my fault.......if only I hadn't married him........
Life was hard and there was little happiness except in God and church and at that time the church we attended was ALL ABOUT THE YOU CANNOTS.
MY Mom attended there also. She had some health issues but she loved our Lord so much.
She went to sleep one Sunday night after church and went on to be with our Lord in her sleep,which is what she wanted. She was 56, the baby of a family with 12 children who had suffered through abuses as well.
Apparently Mom's ppl die young and it surely has been so in my family.
MY sister at 19, Mom at 56, a baby brother at 2 days old. My first husband died in 2014 in Oct. I took him into my sons home to care for him, it was the fastest cancer Ive ever see. He died suffering.
I moved my son into a place bc his wife had left him in Jan.'14, for her boss. I lived with him at the time. We had not been there a month when one night he was loving on his dog and I reminded him he had an early day the next and get some sleep.
When I got up the next day,his dog had moved but he was still in the exact same position, my first and only son was gone at 36. Thank God he knew Jesus !
So I moved in with two younger siblings a sister and brother. The brother was 16 yrs younger than myself and in very poor health.
In four months, March'15, he was found in bed.....gone.
Friday April the 8th I checked myself into our local hospital's psych ward. The passing of yet another baby brother passing in bed asleep has been MORE than I think I can bear.
I loved God with all my soul but every time I give this junk to him,I take it back. It's a miserable existence. Most likely He and his word is all that has saved me.
I came home this afternoon.
I have hurts to overcome, I have forgiveness to find,
I have fault and guilt and grief to give to Jesus for always and let him keep them.
Please pray for me.
I want everyone to know please don't be like me and fearful to seek help outside of your faith.
He wants us to be whole and have joy here as well!
Sometimes we feel as though we can't or even shouldn't share but this is not God's way.
Please do not let fear of death, guilt, grief or regret nor anything keep you from being free and complete in God !
Thank you for your kindness to me, your sharing of his word. May you be richly blessed from his storehouse that is continually full.
In Christ,
D3v0t3d2G0d
We ARE flesh and the flesh hurts, has hang-ups and habits that we hold onto. These can keep us in bondage to regret, guilt, grief and other emotional cages. We cannot truly be free if we can't let go.......this is where I find myself.
I will start at the beginning and the beginning is life.
Born to a young woman who suffered abuse and a man who was evil and uncaring. He was a military man, this is the only selfless thing I can think of he ever did.......but he most likely had a selfish motive there also......How can you LOVE your country and not love those born of your seed?
Our life was so poor in the 60's & 70's that those in poverty looked down on us. We lived in houses that should have been condemned,had at times no running water nor electricity. I've read many a book by candle- lite. I'm not saying any of this to garner sympathy nor pity. I just want to share with you the events of recent happenings shaped by a life of hurts.
He was a big man and a brute. He cared only for his wants and needs. My Moma had 7 children born of his seed.
I was 18 months younger than my elder sister who was first- born. She was blonde, beautiful with big brown eyes. Her life here was short, she passed at 19 with brain tumors. She suffered much in the 19 years she was here. Suffered sexual abuse at 4 y.o., this is MY first memory at age 3,seeing him at 6'4 raping a tiny child. I did not understand what I saw but even then I knew something was wrong.
We were beat and tortured and verbally abused until we were able to leave the house for good.
I have held on to all that happened to us, thinking somehow it was ALL my fault. This is how I was shaped by a past that nearly drove me out of my mind. I have packed all this junk deep inside myself and continued the torture he started until this past Dec.in 2021 when my baby brother passed away at 58. It's been almost four months and I've suffered regret bc I'm older and still here, they have all been my younger siblings except one.
I married the first man I could at 19 only to get away from home. He was 22 years older and was suffering from mental issues but he was born again. We had a son and then a daughter 2 yrs later. This is when the mental issues took over our lives.
Once again I had times of want to feed my children , had no electricity and except for the abuse,we were walking down the same road I grew up on.
Many times I had to be strong, not by choice but by necessity. He just gave into his disease. He would sleep for weeks at a time, I became HIS mother also! Once he had 11 jobs in 12 months. His voices talked to him all the time and obscured the will and voice of God. He was bi- polar and paranoid. According to him, I was no better than a harlot sleeping with the men of the church. He verbally abused our son by telling him he was worthless and would amount to nothing. For 17 yrs I stayed but one night he held a butcher knife to my side...if he would hurt me then he would also hurt our children. I was able to leave when he went to sleep.
I opened myself and took on more guilt in thinking it was my fault.......if only I hadn't married him........
Life was hard and there was little happiness except in God and church and at that time the church we attended was ALL ABOUT THE YOU CANNOTS.
MY Mom attended there also. She had some health issues but she loved our Lord so much.
She went to sleep one Sunday night after church and went on to be with our Lord in her sleep,which is what she wanted. She was 56, the baby of a family with 12 children who had suffered through abuses as well.
Apparently Mom's ppl die young and it surely has been so in my family.
MY sister at 19, Mom at 56, a baby brother at 2 days old. My first husband died in 2014 in Oct. I took him into my sons home to care for him, it was the fastest cancer Ive ever see. He died suffering.
I moved my son into a place bc his wife had left him in Jan.'14, for her boss. I lived with him at the time. We had not been there a month when one night he was loving on his dog and I reminded him he had an early day the next and get some sleep.
When I got up the next day,his dog had moved but he was still in the exact same position, my first and only son was gone at 36. Thank God he knew Jesus !
So I moved in with two younger siblings a sister and brother. The brother was 16 yrs younger than myself and in very poor health.
In four months, March'15, he was found in bed.....gone.
Friday April the 8th I checked myself into our local hospital's psych ward. The passing of yet another baby brother passing in bed asleep has been MORE than I think I can bear.
I loved God with all my soul but every time I give this junk to him,I take it back. It's a miserable existence. Most likely He and his word is all that has saved me.
I came home this afternoon.
I have hurts to overcome, I have forgiveness to find,
I have fault and guilt and grief to give to Jesus for always and let him keep them.
Please pray for me.
I want everyone to know please don't be like me and fearful to seek help outside of your faith.
He wants us to be whole and have joy here as well!
Sometimes we feel as though we can't or even shouldn't share but this is not God's way.
Please do not let fear of death, guilt, grief or regret nor anything keep you from being free and complete in God !
Thank you for your kindness to me, your sharing of his word. May you be richly blessed from his storehouse that is continually full.
In Christ,
D3v0t3d2G0d