Y'all might be in the wrong church if: You have to pass through a metal detector to get inside. The choir performs "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" - as a polka! They believe that an elected official attending religious services is a violation of the separation of Church and state. A week before Christmas the minister announces the church will be "closed for the holidays." The missions budget just got cut in half, but the church treasurer just bought a new Harley. New "Purpose-Driven" mission statement includes vague reference to Jell-O-wrestling. On your second Sunday as a visitor they ask you to be their minister. On the offering envelopes is printed "Please make checks payable directly to the minister." The organist is Boris Karloff or appears to be his stunt double. The floral arrangement on the altar is in the shape of a big horseshoe... that reads "Hollywood Park." Everyone is handcuffed together at the ankles before preaching starts. You are the only person in the sanctuary and it's 15 minutes after church is scheduled to start. The confessional has a coin slot and a hand lever. The baptismal fountain has bubbling water, is large enough to hold two or three seated adults, and looks suspiciously like a Jacuzzi. Bill Clinton is the speaker of the day and his topic is "Morality In America - How To Be A Shining Example". The minister falls asleep while delivering his own sermon. The ushers passing around the offering basket are wearing ski masks. The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version. The Choir wears black leather robes. The offering plate has been passed three times and the sermon hasn't even begun yet. When the choir sings, the dogs outside begin to howl, and are closer to being in tune. New member candidates are required to submit W-2's for the last 5 years and the media refers to the church facilities as a "compound"