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Wife Let Her New Man Meet Our Children

Discussion in 'Family and Parenting' started by Josh78, Aug 19, 2013.

  1. About two months ago my wife started seeing another man. Our marriage had been rocky up to this point, but we still lived together and I was trying to work things out. During this time I was saved. I had been an unbeliever for all of my life (im 35 now). She attempted to let me try and work things out and told me to do so, I'd need to move out so she could have her space. So I obliged her and a co-worker let me rent a room from him. I've been out about two weeks now. Unbeknownst to me, while I was attempting to save our marriage, she was in the arms of another man. We are still married by the way. She started asking me about the children meeting the new man a few weeks ago, but I was against it. I flatly stated I did not want them around him until, in the very least, we were legally divorced. My children are 5 years and 18 months, both girls. My wife decided she was going to do what she wanted anyway and introduced my girls to this man. It goes without saying that I was both devestated and angry at the same time. I was just at the point of forgiveness for her or at least on that path. I was actually on the phone with her genuinely apologizing for my role in her life that led her to do the things she was doing. It was my way of forgiving her; accepting that my previous actions caused the distance in our relationship.

    Now I'm faced with the reality of needing to meet this man while my heart is still mourning the loss of my wife to him. I feel I need to know who my girls are around. I need to know his character, which at this point, I feel is severely flawed. I just don't know how to go about it. My wife wants to be there when I meet him, but I have flat out denied her that request. I feel no honest conversation can happen with her looming over us. A pastor of a friend has offered himself up as a mediator but I'm not sure if I should take him up on the offer. Also, I do not even know what kind of questions to ask this man. I feel that I am about to willing walk into a mess and just really would like some guidance on how to proceed.

    Any advice would be appreciated.

    P.S. Since typing this up I have been given a bit of advice from the legal side of this situation. A lawyer as told me that I should move back into the household. He stated that by me moving out, I have abandoned the household and an treading close to losing my right to custody, if I so chose. He also said I should not meet this new man because it serves no purpose in the long run.

    I'm so confused...

  2. #1: Yes: move back in-the lawyer is correct-do it ASAP.

    #2: YES: let the Pastor be a mediator and possible witness to upcoming events.

    #3: As God sees it-you are the leader-for better or worse - for this family unit. If your wife wants to commit adultery, let her do it outside of the presence of your home and family.

    On the more difficult (and I do have experience with this), the anger will probably overwhelm you at some point. I am not saying I am the best human being or Christian in the world, but I got divorced as an unsaved man and it was awful physically and spiritually. I came home from overseas to find another man's picture hanging on my walls.....

    Listen to your lawyer-keep your mouth shut in front of your wife if you two are alone and fully set on divorce. Have a mediator as a witness.

    It sounds to me as if she has been planning for you to move out-it sounds to me she did her homework before asking you to 'leave'. I am betting she already has a lawyer. Don't do anything stupid that could be considered verbal or physical abuse. My guess is there will be recording devices somewhere-and YES it is allowable in court in most cases if the judge approves.

    Said dude has NO BUSINESS in your house. If he refuses to leave-let the police handle the trespassing charges while you are there...YOU NEED TO GET BACK IN YOUR HOUSE ASAP.

    Set up separate bedrooms and bathrooms if you can-don't get dressed in the same room. This is for your sake-your mental stability. If you have a garage-make it your permanent man cave. Spend as much time with your daughters as you possibly can afford. Get an extra fridge and microwave if you have too. Live in the same house, but the more time you spend around your wife alone-the more it will eat at you. Take it to God-get in a Bible believing Church and devour the Word-You might want to start with the Epistles.

    It's a tough spot-praying for you Brother...
    KingJ likes this.
  3. Lean on God:

    Worship, pray, fast when necessary, read your Bible, meditate on the Word, fellowship with Bible believing Christians. seek Good Counsel, and repeat.

    The more time you are in Church with your girls...the better...

    Try to get involved in some type of ministry-even if it is Church building maintenance-to occupy your time and mind.
  4. #4 Brother_Mike_V, Aug 19, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2013
    This is 'borrowed material':

    4 Rules for Communication: Ephesians 4:25-32

    1: Be Honest-don't cover up the issues; bring them to the Light
    2: Keep current-Deal with problems as they come on a daily basis
    3: Attack the problem not the person (hate the sin not the sinner)
    4: Act-but don't react: work toward solving the problem without diving in lacking wisdom

    Questions to ask in your problem solving method:
    Do I have all the facts?
    Is this deserving of hiding the sin in love? (In your case that's a big N-O)
    Is this the right time to engage this problem? (Immediately-but when there are no hostilities)
    Am I approaching the problem with a Godly attitude in love?
    Am I using loving words?
    Have I earnestly prayed over this issue?
    Do I need, am I taking heed of counsel? (yes, Yes...YES! You must do this.)
  5. Thank you for the advice. It is much needed in a time like this.
  6. Hi, Sir. Very sorry about your situation. Prayer and the Scriptures and daily communion with the Lord Jesus is essential, whatever happens.

    Also, if there is ever any hint of divorce, it's good if it's not you that raises it or initiates it.

    The book of Hosea is very searching, how the prophet was taught patience by the faithless character of his wife: this is an example of the Lord's sheer patience and lovingkindness with His people, despite their erring ways.
  7. She needs to work things out with you, and your daughters need to learn from a good example . So she needs to grow up n work on her issues . You can always meet the new guy n having a pastor around would be the best thing but that's last resort. If you can move back in , take charge and be the man of the house . If there's anything you can do to help her , do it but she needs to do her part. Maybe ask her out on a date n take her with the pastor and his wife. Their good relationship will have an effect on her. Take the kids too . She needs to be open minded and try for the sake of your family . Who are her friends ? Sometimes if women have friends who are single moms n they date n go out that will rub off on them . So maybe she needs better friends. So I'd def. connect with other couples at church .​

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