Wife cheated 8 years ago.

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by jvk, Jan 7, 2015.

  1. I'll try to make this short. I just found out yesterday my wife of 17 years cheated on me 8 years ago. I was deployed in the military over the summer of 2006 and we weren't getting along and divorce came up in heated conversations from half way around the globe and long story short, she found comfort elsewhere. She says it was only once. I came home from that deployment and saw some text messages that were obvious clues to what happened, but she owned up to it as just inappropriate talk between coworkers. I blew up over it, grabbed her, she dialed 911 and I was arrested. I lived in hotels for the next two months as we sought counseling, I was back in the house by Christmas and we were moving along nicely, though I never got past the suspicion that something more than texting went on. We bought a house spring of 07. Things haven't been perfect in the 8 years since. We've had our ups and downs and conflict resolution is a problem of ours. I would bring up the text messages every few months as an example of something that was never resolved, and for whatever reason, yesterday was the day she finally said she cheated on me. We both grew up in christian homes, but never found our own church home until two years ago. At the time of her infidelity church was not at the center of our lives. We found a good church home two years ago and have a strong support system. My hang up, is that if I had known she cheated in 2006, I wouldn't have been so eager to work things out. I most likely would've left as that's something that I can't live with. Now I've got 8 more years invested, our girls are 16 and 11, and we're 300k in debt in a house I wouldn't have bought if I knew then what I know now. I'm in serious need of some solid advice. I feel like the last 8 years are built on a lie.
  2. That stinks. Here's the thing though, you can either hold it against her and make you and her miserable and cause a divorce and all sort of other problems or you can learn to forgive. I suggest praying for a forgiving heart and learning to work this out between you and your wife.
    Cinderella8 and Ravindran say Amen and like this.
  3. #3 KingJ, Jan 8, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2015
    It all boils down to how much remorse she is showing.

    Temptation knocks at the door for all of us and hard. There are some pro's to take away from this. 1. She tried to hide it = she didn't want to lose you. 2. It was a once off. 3. It was a period where she was very weak and vulnerable. 4. She ended things and does no longer keep contact.

    The Christian NEVER LEAVES Mark 10:9. BUT if they leave us, we let them go. This is what you need to discern / be confident of. They leave us when their heart moves on. This can happen if there is no remorse, affair is continuous or they have a lust for promiscuity.

    It sounds to me though as something you just need to forgive her of and try put behind you. Good luck, praying hard for you!
    Cinderella8, God is Love and Ravindran says Amen and like this.
  4. it does sound like it was really one off.. She was quite willing to work out things with you right.. It has been good 8 hears.. It sounds like she was more hurt of the shame and tried to hide it completely.. As others said, probably the best thing might be to forgive her and move on.. It would strengthen your marriage like anything! When you forgive and forget this, your wife will never forget your act of love.

    I wouldn't look at 8 years gone as a lie. I would look at it differently. May be God allowed things to go on for you to come to a state where you are actually considering letting this go. If you had known about this earlier, you wouldn't have given the marriage a chance right. The timing seems to be perfect, where you have a choice now. I would say "do what Jesus would do"!! Pray for a forgiving heart. It is easy for all us to say these things.. Because we are not in the situation. But this would seem to be the best thing to do
    Cinderella8 and God is Love say Amen and like this.
  5. That sounds truly terrible. I imagine she must be feeling a great amount of regret and sorrow; unfortunatly we are human and at times can make some grave mistakes. You both grew up in Christian dwellings thus I'm sure you can talk this issue out and forgive. A forgiving heart is what God wants us to have, after all if we do not forgive, we cannot be forgiven.
    I know it may be hard to accept and forgive but Jesus died for our sins no matter how bad they may be. The Lord is looking down on all of us and this should provide comfort.
    I hope you can work things out to build a better relationship.
    Lauriette, God is Love and Ravindran says Amen and like this.
  6. I truly feel for you. That hurts bad!

    Here's some encouragement... It takes a WHOLE lot more strength, perseverance, and fortitude to WORK THINGS OUT than it does to cut bait and head for greener pastures. It sounds like you really did work it out, though.....

    You know what nobody ever talks about.... Nearly 100% of the marriages that go through something like this and succeed in working it out turn out to be STRONGER......

    But, now, there's this nagging anger.. This unresolved pain... It bubbles up to the surface once in a while.... It's got to be put to bed - and the only way to do it is to Confess it for what it is and to Forgive....

    Now, let's be honest... are you going to 100% forget forever? Likely not - this is pretty traumatic.. It's going to bubble back up once in a while, but the pain will lessen over the years. You will have to make a practice of continuing to lean HARD on God for overcoming... You won't fight once and done - this is gong to take ongoing, continued leaning on God for His forgiveness, His faithfulness, and His love....

    And... With ongoing Overcoming comes big blessings....

    Cinderella8, God is Love and Ravindran says Amen and like this.
  7. Thank you for your insight. I know it will fade over time. Our hurdle right now is the fact that it's 8 years in the past for her, but just finding out, it brings back everything that was going on then and it feels like yesterday to me. I need to talk about it and she has no interest in discussing any of it so I'm on my own try and figure it out and process it alone.
    Cinderella8 likes this.
  8. She needs to talk about it with you, I know that much. Tell her exactly what you just said and the way you feel and that you need to talk about it to heal.
    Cinderella8 and KingJ say Amen and like this.
  9. She doesn't want to talk about it :eek:...(n)(n)
  10. It won't fade over time if it isn't healed and it won't heal if she is not willing to open up and discuss it with you. Even if she does open up it going to be tough. I've been through a similar situation myself and I couldn't get the thought of what happened out of my head. It took all the intimacy out of the relationship. I could never get in the mood again with her after the trust was gone.

    I hope you are a stronger man than I am. Good luck and may the lord give you strength.
    Cinderella8 likes this.
  11. Pay attention very carefully.

    You mentioned all your other investments as a consideration not to leave. That thinking is going to end in failure. We don't weight God's love in us on the scale with material things. The love side should flip the other off the scale and high into the air.

    Now when she came clean, she was hoping for love and strong support. She wanted to see if 8 more years have patched things up enough to where her husband would say it's Ok, I forgive you, just understand I have to deal with things in my mind, but I support you, and understand.

    My wife did the same thing years back. I thought we were just going to seperate for a bit, and BAM, in bed with another man. more than once.

    I went through much of the same feelings you have. All wrong feelings, but still had them.

    The Lord got my thinking straightned out though. I was to blame. I am suppose to be the spiritual leader of my house. I did not treat my wife or run my house very well. We talked about divorce back then also just like you guys did.

    Now, had I never masterbated thinking about other girls, or never looked at porn back then, and led a perfect Christain life, then I might not know what the Lord was speaking of.

    Thing is, I Sowed those things, and I got my harvest. It's part of the curse of the law.

    Deu 28:15 amp But if you will not obey the voice of the Lord your God, being watchful to do all His commandments and His statutes which I command you this day, then all these curses shall come upon you and overtake you:
    Deu 28:30 amp You shall betroth a wife, but another man shall lie with her; you shall build a house, but not live in it; you shall plant a vineyard, but not gather its grapes.

    Pro 26:2 kjva As the bird by wandering, as the swallow by flying, so the curse causeless shall not come.

    Think back, take stock, and know. The curse does not come without reason. Your the man, be thankful.

    You have your kids, your wife, your house. Things could have been worse, but God is good. Your not perfect, I am not perfect and I certainly don't want the LOrd to call me out on the carpet about all my past sin and mistakes.

    If you wife loves God, that is His daughter.

    Your wife did it one time, must have felt horrible else she would have kept going back. Jesus died for her also, and your commanded to love her as Christ loved the Church. It sucks, but grab your bible and say I am going to be the man this Word to me describes.

    If you need more help. P.M me. Stay encouraged, the devil can't have a place to constantly bug you if you stay in the Love of God. He has no "Thought" ammo.

    P.M me if you need more help. You got this.
    Cinderella8 likes this.
  12. I can understand your wanting to talk things out, because this is new to you, and you are shocked, though it has been 8 years of rebuilding, so to speak, for her. You want to know all the "why's" and get to the bottom of everything. You want to analyze. I get that. On the other hand, your wife has quite possibly been going through a lot of mental fighting, these past 8 years. But her priority seems to be your marriage, otherwise, with one confession, it would have been all over, long ago.

    I believe that nothing is impossible to God. And I also believe that those who come through the fire, come through stronger. Remember, there must have been love that drew you to each other in the beginning. Both of you need to be honest about where God is in your marriage, also. If He is not #1, y'all are going to continue to struggle without hope. Through my marriage of almost 36 years to a difficult man (PTSD from childhood plus Vietnam), God has taught me so many things, about my husband and about myself. I had thought of divorce several times along the way, but I would have missed out on so much if I had left! This is a spiritual battle, but you must fight it with your spouse, not fight against your spouse.

    If you are inclined to read books for help, Darryl and Tracy Strawberry have an excellent one called Imperfect Marriage. Different scenario to yours, but I was struck by how God helped Tracy deal with her husband's infidelity (both being Christians, mind you). I had never heard of this approach before, but it was something God instructed her to do, and by the grace of God, today they are stronger than ever, and fully committed to each other and to God.

    The bottom line is, go to God in your time of prayer, and pour out your heart to Him. He is fully capable of healing your marriage. Stay close to Him, and He will instruct you. And don't try to rush Him, if things aren't progressing as quickly as you'd like, or if you are getting discouraged. Be patient.

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