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When You Feel Helpless And/or Attacked

Discussion in 'Fellowship Time' started by jmilly, Jul 15, 2014.

  1. today i was chatting with my friend telling her about a coworker and sort of just venting. normally it's nice to just vent, and there wasn't really anything to "solve." but now i just regret saying anything. Because this friend is a know-it-all, controlling person, who decided she would tell me what I "need to do" at work and whatnot. She was actually talking about something a bit unrelated to what i was talking about. I found it a little insulting too, she was saying i'm bad at communicating and all this other stuff. Maybe it's true, but i guess i was not expecting that considering that's not what i was talking about.
    i also felt powerless almost. like, this person is trying to tell me how to do my job, and i was almost getting defensive. Trying to defend myself to this person criticizing me.

    I know you're thinking, don't be friends with this person. but ordinarily she's not so abrasive. But after i hung up the phone i regretted that i even returned her call. I didn't want a heated argument about my work performance with somebody who not only does not do the same work as I do, I'm not even sure if she'd be a good role model in terms of work. She seems to be confrontational and gets into petty disagreements with people.

    anyways, what do you do when you get into this situation where somebody decides to just start lecturing you and almost raising their voice at you about what you need to do and this and that? I just didn't know where to go with this question. This phone call upset me very much and i need some gentle advice. I just HATED how i was starting to get defensive and whatnot. Am I wrong? maybe i'm just being too sensitive today.

    it makes me feel better (in a weird way) to think that maybe she was in a lousy mood and i was an easy target for her to let loose her rage on today. but that makes me ask - what made her think it would be appropriate to treat me that way? surely i'm not the only one who has experienced this... and i just don't know what to do. I'm thinking I might not talk to her for a while, but is avoidance the answer?

    How does a Christian react when they are blindsided with a verbal assault where the person is raising his or her voice at you? or taking liberties at giving unsolicited advice? or making you feel like you have to defend your actions?
  2. Recently she was telling me about some friend of hers who slighted her, and I personally thought that she expected too much from this person. She vented, and I listened, without giving any unsolcited advice, and she seemed to be getting snippy with me for some reason because i subtly was hinting that she try to forgive the friend. even though her feelings were hurt. The friend had slipped up on something, that was clear, but it was evident that the friend was trying to make up for her error. Despite the friend's efforts, she was pretty much stuck on this grievance and it was like the girl's attempts to make up for it didn't matter. Her mind was made up.
    it appeared to me that she didn't really want advice at all. she just wanted me to agree with her and confirm her decision to shun this friend.
    on a side note, related to my first post- i am a quiet person, but i have principles. i personally don't look at quiet people and think of them as somebody i am going to try to control or as some timid weakling who can't talk. I just feel comfortable observing. it appears the perception and others like me is that people like this friend can talk to me however they want, and I'm tired of that. I'm not gonna change my personality but i do not like this last couple conversations i have had with this person. How is this ever going to change?
    I just don't know what to do and don't know where to turn.
    Thanks everyone for reading....
  3. You're dealing with an abusive person. You already answered your question, stop being friends with her. I think it's pretty obvious this isn't someone you want in your life.

    I'll link you to a website with some really good quick to read articles, just pick what you want to read, I suggest starting on this one
  4. thanks - that's what i feel in my heart

    i also think she's not the best influence for me because when i have issues with people, her advice is often what SHE would do, and if i ever follow her advice, which i have done, i usually regret it. it's usually not that loving.
  5. Bet she isn't a Christian, am i right? Or a hypocritical one at that. I edited my other post btw, I added a link for ya :)
  6. she technically is but she was raised catholic and attended catholic school until high school graduation. this is her justification for not attending church nowadays (she's almost 40, so it's 22 years later). She feels she has more than paid her dues
    I don't really think it works that way and a person truly serious about their faith as i decided to be, would not think about it in those terms.
    perhaps right now in my journey, God is telling me i need to limit my contact with this person. i really really want to be around more positive influences. she's so negative. i know she thinks she is being a good friend, but when i had an issue with a guy recently she fed the negativity and encouraged it almost. nothing got solved and i actually secretly reached out to him but didnt tell her... I forgave him and I'm not even mad at him. but i think she thinks I am... this truly is a negative relationship.
    given the cirmcumstances it may be hard to completely cut her out of my life, but I will bet you i'll stop talking about my personal affairs with her, and seriously reduce the amount of time i speak to her.
    Thanks for that link!
    autumn oddity likes this.
  7. Just try to stay your distance and don't make plans with her or anything, hopefully she gets the sign. If she doesn't get it then you could tell her how you feel in a respectful way, i'm sure she'll take it badly from what you've said about her, but who cares what she thinks?
  8. Well I want to make sure how I handle this is honoring to God and loving.
    Where is the Messiah, Mitspa and God is Love says Amen and like this.
  9. When I hear a “relationship” “complaint”, and yet the partners continue to stick together

    It reminds me of one book I read “The Road Less Travelled” that analyze the relationship of, I forgot the name of the movie, it is Marlon Brando movie, I think the title is “Waterfront”…

    Marlon is kinda abusive husband… and the wife, the lady is very "understanding" and "forgiving"….

    Is the husband really in control or is it really the wife?

    The climax of the story is when, Marlon is crying very hard, calling her wife, asking for forgiveness…

    And the wife slowly walks down the stairs, triumphantly, and the poor Marlon, while kneeling, hugs her…

    They need each other…….


    The author, a psychologist, thinks it is unhealthy, the author calls it “parasitic love”, that is: one needs the other to live…..

    He defines True Love as: working towards the spiritual growth of oneself as well as the spiritual growth of the other…

    That’s is what I remember on that book, I may be wrong if I read it somewhere : )
  10. T
    That's good advice in general even though I'm not talking about a love relationship
  11. Do know, that the Devil knows those who belong to God. He will use anybody or anything to try and get you to come out from your security that you have in Christ. In other words the Devil wants you step right back into the flesh, and try and take him on through other people. We are not ignorant of the Devils devices in how he works like a roaring lion seeking whom he can devour. Keeping your heart and mind set on the things of God will keep you in his love, and allow the Holy Spirit will give you Wisdom to speak to those who come against you that they will not be able to come against.
    autumn oddity, Mitspa and God is Love says Amen and like this.
  12. That's good to hear, but you know what I meant though right? You can't let people bother you, if you're standing up for yourself and telling the honest truth then really who cares what they think if they don't respect you. Check out Jesus talking to the Pharisees, he didn't let them bully him. I never said stop being a Christian, just that Christians face persecution by the world because the world is evil, but that doesn't mean you have to try to make the world accept you. They are of Satan and only God can cure that.
  13. Well if this is your intention, you have already passed the test..:) But maybe consider how close you allow folks to get to you and try to have a good awareness of Gods Love for you and that will help you when others seem to want to attack you. Because you confidence must come from your relationship with God and not people...:)
    JG27_chili and God is Love say Amen and like this.
  14. I also have a problem of if I take a break from these people and distance myself I sort of forget the reason I did that in the first place. My issue with them is not at the top of my mind, so the next time they call maybe weeks or months later, the same stuff happens again.
    For instance a few years ago I dated a guy who was very very toxic. However I sort of have somewhat fond memories of him and it's almost like a great effort for me to think back and remind myself the reasons it's best that me and him aren't speaking anymore. Because if I ever got in contact with him I wouldn't want to get burned again.
    Does anybody know what I mean?
    I have like amnesia or something.
  15. #15 God is Love, Jul 16, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2014
    You don't need to remember all the reasons why you shouldn't be around someone after you leave, just remember you made a decision not to be around them any longer and you need to trust in your decisions. Start meeting good people and try to build a friendship with them. :) Don't settle for people you don't want to hang out with, you deserve to be around people who are positive in your life. I think that might be your problem, you aren't setting yourself up with the right people. You have the right to be friends with good people. You don't have to settle for people you don't get along with.
    Mitspa likes this.

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