I am writing on this forum because I don't want to become another statistic, I dont want my kids to repeat the cycle I grew up with. I want peace, hope and most of all to believe that my marriage isn't a broken and lost thing. Please let me preface this that I am a broken, lost sinner. Most of what christian upbringing I had I now know as an adult was within a strange church outside the ways of what is right and wrong. I currently attend a wonderful, sound and very open church which has been a tremendous tool in finding my way back to God. My husband and I met five years ago, and have been married for three years. when we first started seeing one another we werent ready for serious-- he was a fresh widower and I was a long time divorcee with my own commitment issues. This changed when I found I was pregnant about a year in-- we became an instant family overnight. The first year was so hard. We fought constantly. I was unhappy because I had lost my independance and I felt like I had no currency of my own when it came to providing for my family. Our sons birth was a day of fighting and took away from what should have been a day of joy. Six weeks later I found out that my husband had shared a hotel room with another woman-- he said that they did not have sex because he just couldn't do it when the guilt hit him. It was hard but we moved on. In retrospect we just quit talking about it after two or three conversations and swept it under the rug. I am still immensely hurt, but it just doesn't matter in the end. We married that summer and planned another baby that winter. Circumstances forced us to relocate away from his job and closer to my parents. This meant he has to be gone most of the week, while being home for two or three days depending on how his work schedule allowed.We were happy but I felt like everything was sliding. Scheduling meant that my husband no longer even attended church with us, leaving me to lead the family spiritually and well as tending to the kids on my own almost exclusively. This has me running appointments for counseling for my teen, speech therapy for our oldest son and my own health appointments while trying to homeschool and keep up with the house. When my husband is home, I feel he is distant and uninterested. It is hurtful because of the little things-- his tone when he speaks to me is unfriendly, yet a moment later when he speaks to the kids he can be pleasant as pie. He doesn't really touch me anymore unless he wants sex, which admittedly I am resentful of. I am unable to physically have sex because of pregnancy complications, but there are other physical things he desires of me. It leaves me feeling bitter-- that he only focuses on me when he wants fulfilment. I feel a lack of affection, a lack of connection and in general resentment from him when I ask things of him when I am home. Often he will say he is going upstirs to the restroom and will sit there for 40 minutes playing on his tablet, while the kids and I are downstairs. I look to him to lead with our headstrong teen as the "principal" in dealing with our behavioral issues in the week and he avoids me. My husband is a good man. I couldn't ak for a more loving and attentive father to our children. He is a dedicated provider, but I feel like all leadership for our family has slowly fallen onto me. My heart tells me that he is supposed to be leading. Spiritually I feel this too. It has become a painful ache that overshadows what time we do have together. I feel tired. I want my husband to pray with me, to lead me and our family. I want to be a good wife but I feel like a tired room mate who is uninteresting and unappreciated. This is so hard! with another baby on the way I feel at a loss as it seems I have to buck up and carry more. Praying is hard. Having faith that things will change is hard. I feel like this is all a me issue. I feel like I have not done enough to study the scriptures, to be better. I have been holding off on baptism because I feel like I need to get my life under control before I make such a big and life affirming step. I'm sorry if this all is confusing. I am confused my self and very tired in my sprituality , mind and body at the moment. I am in the midst of the dobson books for my daughter and recently read "What wives wish thier husbands knew about women." in trying to find some guidance. How does one have an attitude of gratitude in a season like this? How do I fall in love with my husband again when we seem to be ships passing way in the night?