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When the Love fades

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by elisefur, Feb 13, 2015.

  1. I am writing on this forum because I don't want to become another statistic, I dont want my kids to repeat the cycle I grew up with. I want peace, hope and most of all to believe that my marriage isn't a broken and lost thing.

    Please let me preface this that I am a broken, lost sinner. Most of what christian upbringing I had I now know as an adult was within a strange church outside the ways of what is right and wrong. I currently attend a wonderful, sound and very open church which has been a tremendous tool in finding my way back to God.

    My husband and I met five years ago, and have been married for three years. when we first started seeing one another we werent ready for serious-- he was a fresh widower and I was a long time divorcee with my own commitment issues. This changed when I found I was pregnant about a year in-- we became an instant family overnight. The first year was so hard. We fought constantly. I was unhappy because I had lost my independance and I felt like I had no currency of my own when it came to providing for my family. Our sons birth was a day of fighting and took away from what should have been a day of joy. Six weeks later I found out that my husband had shared a hotel room with another woman-- he said that they did not have sex because he just couldn't do it when the guilt hit him. It was hard but we moved on. In retrospect we just quit talking about it after two or three conversations and swept it under the rug. I am still immensely hurt, but it just doesn't matter in the end. We married that summer and planned another baby that winter. Circumstances forced us to relocate away from his job and closer to my parents. This meant he has to be gone most of the week, while being home for two or three days depending on how his work schedule allowed.We were happy but I felt like everything was sliding.

    Scheduling meant that my husband no longer even attended church with us, leaving me to lead the family spiritually and well as tending to the kids on my own almost exclusively. This has me running appointments for counseling for my teen, speech therapy for our oldest son and my own health appointments while trying to homeschool and keep up with the house. When my husband is home, I feel he is distant and uninterested. It is hurtful because of the little things-- his tone when he speaks to me is unfriendly, yet a moment later when he speaks to the kids he can be pleasant as pie. He doesn't really touch me anymore unless he wants sex, which admittedly I am resentful of. I am unable to physically have sex because of pregnancy complications, but there are other physical things he desires of me. It leaves me feeling bitter-- that he only focuses on me when he wants fulfilment. I feel a lack of affection, a lack of connection and in general resentment from him when I ask things of him when I am home. Often he will say he is going upstirs to the restroom and will sit there for 40 minutes playing on his tablet, while the kids and I are downstairs. I look to him to lead with our headstrong teen as the "principal" in dealing with our behavioral issues in the week and he avoids me.

    My husband is a good man. I couldn't ak for a more loving and attentive father to our children. He is a dedicated provider, but I feel like all leadership for our family has slowly fallen onto me. My heart tells me that he is supposed to be leading. Spiritually I feel this too. It has become a painful ache that overshadows what time we do have together.

    I feel tired. I want my husband to pray with me, to lead me and our family. I want to be a good wife but I feel like a tired room mate who is uninteresting and unappreciated. This is so hard! with another baby on the way I feel at a loss as it seems I have to buck up and carry more. Praying is hard. Having faith that things will change is hard. I feel like this is all a me issue. I feel like I have not done enough to study the scriptures, to be better. I have been holding off on baptism because I feel like I need to get my life under control before I make such a big and life affirming step. I'm sorry if this all is confusing. I am confused my self and very tired in my sprituality , mind and body at the moment. I am in the midst of the dobson books for my daughter and recently read "What wives wish thier husbands knew about women." in trying to find some guidance.

    How does one have an attitude of gratitude in a season like this? How do I fall in love with my husband again when we seem to be ships passing way in the night?
  2. Hi Elisefur,

    You have every right to feel overwhelmed. You are doing the work of two parents. But part of your husband being "a good man" needs to include treating you right and helping to carry the load. Bringing home a paycheck is only a small part of the work it takes to raise a family, and for him to only want you for gratification is pouring salt into your wounds. So please don't think this is your fault, or that you're the one who needs to change. You're being used, not appreciated and valued. You need help and validation, and though I can't possibly know all the details, it doesn't sound like these things are going to come from your husband.

    Aside from praying for you, all I can advise is to tell the church that you are burned out and need help. Not criticism or blame, help. Job's friends all thought they were helping him when they sat around and told him what he must be doing wrong, but they were rebuked by God. So try and find people who will offer help without a lecture about being a good wife. If anyone wants to correct someone, they should start with your husband.

    I know that the advice I give isn't always popular and well-received, but I offer it with the best of intentions. God loves you and never intended for you to carry the load of not only childbearing/rearing and running errands but also the emotional and spiritual burden alone. Right now you're the adult, the leader, and there's nothing wrong with that. But you still need practical help and support.
  3. The very First thing that i am asking you to do is to forgive him by faith (and yes i know that it is hard, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes) and walk according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. And every time the enemy puts a thought of the offenses that are hurting to you in your mind, tell yourself no i choose to walk in forgiveness and love. That is one of the most important things that you have to do for you, and your family, because you will keep the weeds of unforgiveness and bitterness out of your marriage. And if you want to keep your marriage, it has to done.
    The other thing i suggest is to find scriptures in the Word of God, that you can pray over your husband, marriage and kids. Even when things are looking bleak and frustrating if you will speak by faith, what the Word of God promises, you will see a difference. Be patient though because it does not happen over night.
    And yes i do agree with relentless that if you can talk to your pastor, asking for help, that would be a good idea too!

    Father i thank You for this precious dear sister of ours, and daughter of Yours, and her family. I thank You for giving her the strength that she needs to walk in Your ways and keep ahold of Your promises. I thank You for loving her and for helping her to see that this is an attack of the enemy to destroy her faith in You and the sanctity, and unity of her marriage. I Thank You most Holy Father for speaking to her husband, and sending laborers across his path to encourage him to be the man that You have called him to be. I thank You that he is a good man and that he loves his family, and that You will give him revelation knowledge about what being a godly husband is all about, and how to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Father i bind strife, bitterness and any other evil from manifesting in this marriage for it has Your seal of approval on it. We give You all of the glory! In Jesus Precious Name i pray, Amen
    TheCurseOfTheRodain likes this.
  4. Forgiveness can only come after repentance (Luke 17:3), and compassion is for the humble and oppressed (Mat. 9:36). If we are told that something we’ve been doing is a sin against God, we must turn from it and renounce it; Jesus said to “Go, and sin no more” (John 5:14,8:11). So be careful not to enable and encourage sin in someone else by forgiving without waiting for them to repent. We certainly need to not harbor bitterness or be unwilling to forgive, but not even God forgives the unrepentant.
  5. I would like to share something God has been showing me in my own marriage....

    the power of prayer! It's laying down ALL claims of power IN myself and relying on God's power to transform me, my husband, my circumstances and my marriage.

    Trust in the power of the Lord....the power that resurrected Jesus is the very same power that will bring life back into your marriage 1 Corinthians 6:14

    Things I have to keep reminding myself with prayer is to be patient and not seek "my" will for my husband but God's will. Ultimately you have to leave it in HIS hands.
    Cturtle likes this.
  6. Actually, Romans 5:8 says "But God commendeth His Love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" that sure sounds like forgiveness to me. And according to Mark 11:24-25 , if we have aught against any, we are to forgive when we are praying. Because if we do not forgive God will not forgive us. When we forgive, and walk in His Love, we are saying that we trust God to move on our behalf and correct things that need correcting with the other parties involved. If we wait till someone asks for forgiveness, then we are no better than the world.
  7. There's not a lot that I can add without going over what other members have already said.

    You will be in my prayers. God bless you.
  8. If Jesus' death had resulted in all the world being forgiven, then there would be no need for people to ask forgiveness, yet the NT has plenty of commands to do that. Examples: Mat. 6:14-15, Luke 17:4, Acts 10:43, James 5:15, 1 John 1:9. Instead, his death ransomed the human race from the dominion of sin and Satan (Mat. 20:28, 1 Tim. 2:6, Heb. 9:15). But each person must decide whether or not to accept the gift Jesus purchased at such high cost, offered to us for free. You mentioned Mark 11, which says the same thing: God only forgives if we forgive, so there is a condition to forgiveness. Why would God only forgive us under certain conditions, if Jesus' death already forgave us? Why does God wait till someone asks for forgiveness, yet require that we not wait? Does God expect us to be better than Him?
  9. Isaiah 44:22~ I have swept away your offences like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for i have redeemed you.
    Gift of repentance (2 Timothy 2:26) ......as i was praying i am hearing God say that it's our repentance, or turning from that sin, that God is after. He has forgiven us and as the verse above says..redeemed us. But because we are human, we have to make a public declaration (not necessarily to others) or speak it out loud and physically turn from sin. Once we repent, we break the enemies hold, or the sin's power over us. The sin that is plaguing us no longer can tempt us.
    When we confess our sins, He then is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. This is how we are restored back to right standing with God.
    Blessings to you!
    TheCurseOfTheRodain likes this.
  10. Here's the verse you mentioned, 1 John 1:9
    If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

    So we agree that this is more than public confession; in fact, it doesn't say anything about confessing publicly. God's forgiveness depends on our repentance. What Jesus' death did is to make this forgiveness possible. Otherwise there would be no need for us to confess or repent.
  11. Are you still on here? Cturtle said it well.
    Really youbshould take those bold steps in the Lord, whether it be baptism or standing up to the devil and his trash that he is trying barf onto your marriage or praying in faith - any fear over doing what God has already offered you in His Word for your soundness in all things is of Satan. Don't give any place to fear, you are the LORD's and that means something GREAT AND AWESOME. You are His very own daughter, won't God help you? Reach out, pray the Word. Call KCM (Kenneth Copeland Ministries) and they will pray with you and you will see changes, and you will change.
    Start watching their free broadcast to learn about who you actually are and what you have have and wield in Christ. Its called The Believers Voice of Victory and it's on everyday on TV or on the KCM website for free. For free = no excuses ;)
    Watch just 20 minutes a day, or more. I guarantee you God will transform and turn around your life as you act on what you learn. I know, because He did it for us. You can do it. God bless you.
  12. Both parties have to want to keep the relationship fresh and alive. Life gets in the way and it becomes an excuse to not pay attention to the relationship. Does he understand that it takes work to keep the relationship working? If so, then work on how to make things work. Get help from a Christian counselor if needed. Communicate with your husband. And yes, pray.

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