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When is it Adultry?????

Discussion in 'New Members Welcome' started by brokenhearted n mt, Jan 10, 2010.

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  1. When is it Adultry?????

    I can't find a solid, concrete answer from anyone I talk to, or from anything I have read. So, I will confide in and trust my bros. and sis. for their input. Hopefully, even some pastors or deacons will weigh in. Here goes. My wife of 25 years recently had what I call an affair. She was working in an outreach ministry,and met a man 12 yrs. younger than she. She more or less took him on as a project, and told me the Lord had put a burden for his salvation on her heart. After about a month of them spending many hours a day together, at the outreach and away from it, she came to me and confessed she was having desires and temptations that she knew were wrong. I advised that she end the relationship and not see him again. She refused, saying she knew God had put them together for his salvation, and she could not ignore His calling for her. To cut to the chase, they continued their relationship for about 6 more months. They were seen holding hands, kissing, and in a hot tub together at a motel in a city 50 miles away. I confronted her, and demanded the truth. She said the hottub was a lie, and she denied all alegations. She refused to stop seeing him as his soul was at stake. Then I did a sneaky thing. I followed them to a nature trail along the river one day, (I worked full time, he had no job) and observed them kissing and holding hands as they walked. My heart was broken, and still is. This was my HS sweetheart. I confronted her at our home one day with our pastor with me, and brought the situation to a head. The relationship was ended.
    She swore to me that it had never gone past the kissing, and petting. Then about a year later, she said she had to confess to me that it had gone past what she had admitted. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but she confessed to having oral relations with this man. She says it wasn't her intention to do any of these things, that the enemy ensnared her, and she was caught up in the lust and feeling young and alive. She now refuses to accept any fault, that she has repented and God has forgiven her, and that because they never had copulation,only oral,that she has not commited adultry. She does not consider this to be sex. She swears she never even considered leaving me for him, or that she had any intensions of letting it go where it did. She was Trapped. Am I wrong in my feelings of betrayal and infidelity. To me, it only makes it hurt more for her to minimize her culpability, as it was not her intent to do any of it.
    Please, can anyone help shed some insight. I am tormented in my soul. I want to forgive her, but of "what". Is this adultry?
  2. you have to make the decision,will she do this again,is she repentent to you.?has she been used.is this man trapping women.?
    she has broken the trust.you have to ask her some difficult questions.start with the salvation of the other chap.who told her,and how did they tell her.?is she born again.?
    hope you can sort this out.
  3. She had adultery in her heart to carry it this far and refuse to break it off. This is not like thoughts that come to a person often and they always resist the thoughts, not dwelling on them and not carry it out.

    Of couse we are to forgive whether she has truly repented or not. But if you still love her and believe she has truly repented, cut off the relationship now and true to you, that is between you, her and God.
  4. Wow! I believe she has committed adultery . . . period, but I don't know what else to say other than . . .

    I am so sorry for your hurt, and I am praying for you. :pray: :pray: :pray:
  5. And I will also add this. To win someone to Christ we uphold the high standards of the Lord. Acting like the world and living carnally does not bring anyone to the Lord but only brings shame to the name of Christ and Christianity.
  6. Amen to that!
  7. I don't think any of us can answer that question Adultry ????? . It is between you , your wife and God . My suggestion to you ... take it or leave it would be that the two of you need to get good Christian council at this time cause to me it seems like if you really want this marriage to stay together ... you need help and prayer . It is not a matter of fault and blame at this time . That will not solve anything . That will only add salt to the wound . and my brother there is a wound there and if you want it to heal it takes time and effort on both parts.

    You need to seek God and also express to her that you have forgiven her and she needs to ask your forgiveness , plus she needs to forgive herself for what ever has happened and as long as she thinks she is the victim ... it will not happen and if she wants to put the blame somewhere else . >>>> hmm didn't Eve do the same thing in the beginning of time " the serpent told me " then Adam ... Eve told me and so on goes the blame game. Sorry as long as she is not willing to completely and fully accept what happened ... forgiveness will not come.

    I will be praying for you my brother . God Bless.
  8. You've been sinned against and know that as a Christian you need to forgive your wife who has committed adultery, but she does not acknowledge her sin and therefore is not repentant. Your primary responsibility is your relationship with God, to forgive those who have sinned against you. How she feels and believes about her behavior isn't really your problem, she's admitted it wasn't appropriate and has terminated the affair, maybe God will enable her to see what she's done, later. Your job is to protect the marriage, which means to be watchful that the affair doesn't start again, no doubt this feller is less willing to see the end of it, and having forgiven her doesn't mean life goes on as it was before. She's revealed a weakness that needs taking care of.
  9. It is adultery. She was married and acted on a desire for another. Whether she acknowledges it or not, she had to have thought about it at some point. Every action is preceded by a thought.

    The more important thing, though, as some others have said, is what you do now. You can't just sweep this kind of thing under the rug. You need to get counseling or something. I would advise you to do everything you can do to reconcile.
  10. All of the above comments are true and precise. Even a thought can be Adultery in the heart. I am human, i am guilty. I ask God for forgiveness several times a day. But you must also forgive your wife through the Love of Jesus that she be healed. Hang tuff bro. Keep praying.

    The right thing to do for her is to let go of the relationship. God will save his soul another way if that party is willing.

    Chili out
  11. I am so sorry my Brother that you are having to deal with this type of agonizing pain.

    In my opinion, her actions were indeed adultery and while it is great that she has repented to the Lord, she owes it to you to try to help you to recover from the betrayal as best she can. You need to tell her exactly what you need for that to happen, whether it be going to counseling, an apology that you feel is very sincere, show remorse for her actions, etc. Everyone is different and what they need for a betrayal to be healed may not be what someone else needs. She cannot know what you need unless you tell her. Trust is something that will have to be rebuilt if this relationship is going to survive and that will take some time and effort on both of your parts.

    I think that you should seek counseling with a Pastor...not necessarily your own.

    The other thing is that if you really love her, if she will go to counseling, if she does show remorse and admits what she's done is wrong and you feel she is truly sorry, you must find a way to forgive her and I mean not just say you forgive her, truly forgive her, or it will never work. Once you have forgiven her, it's best to never bring it up again. Try to remember the reasons you love her so much and why your marriage is worth saving. Rebuke satan in the name of Jesus from your relaionship.

    If she will do none of the above, your decision would have to be between you and God. No one could or should tell you to end your marriage. Pray hard, seek guidance from the Lord. Pray with her. The Lord can work wonders and with Him, there is always hope.

    I join in prayer for you and your marriage.

    Forgiveness: The deepest resentments are wrapped up in a lot of hurt and pain. Forgiveness means that you've decided not to let it keep festering inside even if it only comes up once in awhile. Forgiveness is a powerful yet...... challenging tool that will support and honor you, even in the most extreme circumstances.

    May the Lord strenghten you through this difficult time and guide you according to His will. Try to be still and listen for Him, He's there to guide you.

    Blessings, Cheri
  12. Matthew 5:28
    But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

    That of course this applies to the woman as well . The NT treatment of adultery is a a case of fornication and Jesus teaches .... All sexual impurity is sin against God , against self and against others.

  13. Thank you all for your input. I have felt in my heart that it was adultry. While the affair was going on, she had a particular Michael Bolton cd, all his love songs, that she listened to on a consistant basis. After the affair ended, she still listened to the cd, and I would often find her silently weeping as she listened. Every time this happened, it was as if the knife entered my heart again, and was twisted. I ultimately destroyed the cd, and felt bad that I did. She insisted the songs had nothing to do with him. Even now, if I happen to hear one of the songs I find myself hurt to the point of tears. I don't know what to do. I have tried to give the situation to the Lord, but our relationship is so different, so "distant". I never imagined we would find ourselves in this place after all these years. I am afraid. I feel I have forgiven her in my heart, and don't want her to be punished or anything like that. But I don't really know if my broken heart will ever heal. I am so wounded it's hard to breathe. I covet your prayers.
  14. brokenhearted n mt -

    Our CFS members are sharing their thoughts and opinions with you and we know that you will take these replies into consideration. What you have had to endure is something that many others have gone through... and each handles things in their own way. May I just ask you to please read 1 Corinthians 10:13 (NLT) with me...

    "13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure."

    We are told by Paul that everyone goes through similar experiences. In this verse, the word 'temptations' comes from the Greek word for 'burdens'. Please pray to Our Father and ask him to help you through this and know in your heart that He is with you and He will help you.

    We will all join with you in prayer and may God bless.
  15. This was no doubt adultery. The question is can you forgive her and move on?
  16. Jumping in here a bit late. Let me suggest some resources which will be helpful in understanding your situation and in building a healthier future for your wife and you. First, I suggest reading the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Bill Harley. He has some other books that are also relevant and useful such as His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters. You can also check out the website Marriagebuilders.com for more personal support. These resources will help you to gain insight and give practical steps that can be taken to rebuild a healthy relationship.
  17. Revive Our Hearts: Women and Infidelity: An Interview with Judy Starr and Holly Elliff
  18. It was indeed adultry, and if she truely is repentive, she will end contact and not look back! Adultry is adultry even if it is only and emotional affair with lustful thoughts. It must end immediatly. Don't be swayed by crocadile tears. If she doesn't turn from her sin, there is no repentance.
  19. Matthew 6:9-15

    Forgiving those who have seriously hurt us is one of our most challenging "assignments." And merely having a desire to obey God or saying the right words
    does not necessarily accomplish the task. Old memories and pain can steal back into the mind, stirring up emotions of anger and injustice.

    Though we have a responsibility to take the initiative soon after suffering harm, forgiveness for deep hurts is a process. Begin immediately to prevent a root of bitterness from developing. But remember: The deeper the hurt, the more time it will take to work through forgiveness. Never become discouraged--the Lord will walk with you each step of the way.

    Confession to God is the beginning of the process. Come before Him, admitting any resentment and acknowledging it as sin. As you lay your anger and hurt before the Lord, let Him begin to heal your broken heart.

    Sometimes the process can also involve going to the offender and confessing your sinful attitude toward him. This is a time not to build your case or itemize his wrongs but simply to admit your own. Although the offense against you may seem greater than your unforgiving attitude, avoid the temptation to "rank" sins. And leave judgment to God.

    Forgiveness brings freedom from the agitation that accompanies resentment. In working through the process, you'll begin to see the one who hurt you through eyes of compassion. Eventually, you will be able to thank God for the opportunity to learn forgiveness and live in His lavish grace.

    Matthew 18:21-35

    Forgiveness can be defined as giving up resentment toward someone and letting go of the right to hurt him back. On the other hand, unforgiveness demands that the guilty one pay for the wrong he did.

    According to these definitions, unfor-giveness looks very much like justice, and forgiveness seems unfair. That's why we have such a hard time with it. Forgiveness goes against our God-given sense of what is just. Yet God calls us to forgive those who don't deserve it!

    To avoid offering a pardon, we rehearse the wrong suffered until our desire for retaliation and pain seems totally justified. Convinced of our right to be angry, we demand repayment, thinking, Releasing a person from deserved punishment is unfair!

    The Father faced the same dilemma. All humanity had sinned and was deserving of eternal separation from Him. He couldn't simply forgive sin arbitrarily, because He would then cease being just. Our forgiveness is possible only because divine justice was satisfied by the Son's payment for our sins. Now God is free to righteously forgive us.

    When we accepted the Lord's forgiveness, we gave up all rights to hold anything against anyone else. An unforgiving heart is miserable because it is far from God, who is the source of all peace and joy.

    Does the thought or sight of someone arouse harsh feelings within you? Holding onto a grievance will keep you imprisoned in emotional turmoil, but letting go will set you free. Christ has provided the key of forgiveness. Take hold of it, unlock the dungeon door, and walk out into the light.

    Perhaps it would be a good idea to read the book of HOSEA
  20. How can he be expected to forgive her when she is obviously not willing to walk away from her sin and not look back? How can she truely be repentive, when she doesn't care about her husband's feelings and care more about the person that she sinned with? She has no respect or concern for her husband, and has even less concern for her marriage. I would never trust her again because of her attitude. She should be doing everything in her power to make up for her sin and to reestablish trust in her relationship. My advice is to drop her like a hot potato. It will hurt for now but someday you will be glad you did.
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