What is the right thing to do?

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Jo Jo, Sep 8, 2011.

  1. Hi All,
    I am hoping to get some advice regarding the best course of action to take in my current situation...
    Until 18 months ago I was not a Christian, I had a daughter from a previous relationship who had just finished counselling for being sexually abused by her birth father, and I was in a relationship with my partner at the time with a toddler son. The relationship was not right with him distancing himself from me and my daughter and originally demanding that I aborted our son. Wrongly of me, I began an affair with a man at work. After 3 weeks I left my partner and continued in my relationship with the new man.
    My new partner is a Christian and he struggled a lot with his actions as he knew my situation. I assured him that my old relationship was going to end, that he and I were a catalyst for that happening. I too struggled with what I had done. I have never wanted to return to my old relationship, but I could not handle the misery and upset I had caused to all involved. It was at this point that my 'new' partner suggested I prayed. I did, I started to attend Church and have not looked back ever since. I cannot imagine my life without Jesus and I have gone from strength to strength, I have improved as a person, my behaviour has improved, I have Jesus shining for me!
    My problem is that my Christian partner proposed to me after 6 months, and helped me financially get a house for me and my children. He stays sometimes. But whenever I have tried to discuss actually planning a wedding he gets uncomfortable. Recently he told me that he actually wants to wait until my children are adults before we get married! I have told him that since I became a Christian I will not live like that. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me, but that he is concerned that he will not be able to handle my children in their teenage years if they are 'hard work' (they are currently 7 and 2.5). If any other man said this I would run a mile, but I know him quite well and I know that he does not mean this really.
    His problem is that he has moved away from The Lord recently, he works on a Sunday now, rarely prays, and is 'on the run' from God. He still tithes and reads scripture but he is so far removed from the path he was on. I really think that he needs to 'get right' with God, and that maybe our problems will resolve once that happens.
    So do I end the relationship and let God have the space to work on him and draw the line and tell him that he cannot make me live like a harlot (when we got engaged we ended our sexual relationship then), or do I stay with the situation, even though I'm not happy with his lack of commitment, because he needs me to help lift him up to The Lord. I really want to see him prosper in his relationship with The Lord, but I can't bear feeling like he can't commit to me, and I want my children to see how Christian life should be, and I don't want to lose more dignity.
    I have spent a lot of time, and I still do, praying over what I did when I cheated and I see that this relationship has a bad foundation. I really believed that as this however was how I came to The Lord, that He brought us together.
    I'm very confused and am patiently waiting for Him to answer my prayers, I have certainly submitted this to him.
    Many thanks for your comfort and advice, in advance.
  2. Sounds like he has to work out a lot of things. I think he was well aware that his becoming involved with you in the way he did was inconsistent with his Christian values. This, combined with being now at the brink of committing himself to what will be a tremendous responsibility. I think you would be wise to set boundaries and give him (and God) the time and space to work out their issues. You want a husband who is 100% committed to being a good husband and father to you and your children and is committed 100% to serving and honoring God in his life. Anything short of this on either front is going to lead to trouble. Life, faith, and marriage are challenging enough as it is without adding doubt and wavering resolution to the mix. Set the boundaries that will protect your heart and your integrity. Be careful that you don't get between him and God. You don't have to make any final decisions about the future of this relationship right now; the future will be decided by what God does and how he reacts to God's working in his life. This time will also be a good opportunity for you to grow and be strengthened in your own relationship with God.

    There are no shortcuts to God's blessings, but they are well worth the process necessary to get there.:)
  3. Hello

    Firstly, congratulations on accepting Jesus as your Lord and Saviour and sorry to hear about abortion and sexual abuse of your daughter.

    Pray for your fiance, give him time and try your best to abstain from sex.
    Based on what he has done, he does love you, he just needs time to mentally prepare for kids….if he was closer to the Lord this
    time would be alot shorter. Simple abstinence should speed up his decision.

    I would also judge fiance's Christianity….paying tithe has nothing to do with salvation and knowing
    Jesus on a personal basis.

    My biggest concern with your situation is that you are a young Christian who has never had a '''clean break'' from sin smothering relationships to grow properly without conviction in a relationship with Jesus.
    Some selfish time for you and Jesus may not be a bad idea, perhaps sign up for some training courses offered at your church.
  4. As I read this I'm reminded of a friend who was in a car accident. She stopped to pay a toll on a local expressway and a car bumped into the back of her car, and then another car bumped into the back of that car, and it went on until there were about 20 cars involved in this fender bender. Our choices can be like that when sin enters into our lives. It seems innocent enough at first, not a really big deal, but it quickly gets to a point where it overwhelms us, and separating ourselves from that sin literally involves turning our lives completely upside down, gutting our habits and even our sense of security at times.

    Now let me offer you another story. This one is of someone who got married for all the wrong reasons, had a perfectly miserable marriage for 10 years only to watch as his wife ran off one day with the kids. He got so depressed over the next few years that he made every mistake in the book. In fact, it had gotten so bad that he literally felt that he wasn't even worth fixing anymore. His life was so messed up by his mistakes and so gnarled by guilt that he really didn't even think that God could clean up the mess he had made. But, that was exactly what God did. You see, when I hit that point in my life, I finally realized that there really wasn't any reason for me NOT to give it all to God. It's not like God could possibly have done any worse for me than I was doing for myself. From that day forward, my life has been an absolute dream. Yeah, bad things still happen, I still have regrets from the many stupid decisions I made, and there are scars that will always remind me of my mistakes, but I know that God holds my future, and it just isn't about me anymore.

    We've gotten so used to telling our children and our teens to stay away from sexual temptation, but have we really forgotten that that same wise advice applies to us as well? I applaud your decision not to live the life of a harlot. If another person refuses to acknowledge that decision as wise, then you absolutely need them out of your life. A Godly relationship is strong without sex, and a strong marriage is built upon a foundation of mutual respect, not on "sexual computability" and destroyed emotions and misplaced trust. Jacob agreed to work for 7 years to be with the one he loved and the Bible tells us that the time of labor passed as though it were just a few days! And when he was tricked, he worked ANOTHER 7 years!!! Don't we all want to be loved and respected like that? Would you significant other be willing to wait 14 years in purity out of respect for you? It can be done. It actually is common. Once you start living that type of life, you will suddenly find many, many couples who really do love each other and love God THAT much. It's only hard to see them because people with that type of moral integrity have a hard time associating with people that don't. When you have allowed God to cleanse you, it's hard to be around sin.
  5. A single parent with young children should make those children the top priority in her life and not subject them to relationship drama and poor moral example.

    Jo Jo, he has already said "no", and he practically said "never." Even if you were to push him into a marriage, he wants to keep his options open.

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