What Is The Point Of Sex?

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Aneri, May 31, 2013.

  1. I know its about intimacy with your husband or wife and having kids. But really...how can it possibly be good? Everything I know it to be from my past sexual, emotional and physical abuse both as a child and as an adult (married to an abuser for 4 1/2 years) has been nothing but cruel, against my will, evil or painful. Nothing of it has been good. And everything I've read in the bible always talks about how lust is sinful and how not to do sex before marriage.

    Not once have I read anything saying sex is good and healthy etc. At this point my view is this: Sex is evil and sinful. Sexual feelings are evil and sinful. I'd rather never ever feel it but I do feel it so I feel ashamed and evil and worthless. This is how I feel and what lead to dangerous encounters with a man in 2011. I am no longer with him. Its been about a year and a half since that man but I still feel bad for even having sexual feelings of any kind. I sometimes think it would be easier to never be in a relationship or let it get to the point I feel sexual in any way because its sinful right?

    I KNOW this is distorted thinking and what those people did to me is not my fault. I didn't ask to be raped or abused.

    And I am trying to ask for help but each time I pray God doesn't seem to change my views on sex and feeling sexual. All I hear when I read the bible verses is its bad, evil, wrong and I should be ashamed for it.

    I just want to know your thoughts...I'm really struggling and even feeling like I want to turn my back on God in some ways because if He cared when I ask for help he would help! Like reveal what sex could be etc.

    I tried talking to my current boyfriend but even he didn't offer me any answers he just said seek God...but why should I seek God when I have been and he's not doing anything??

    I've heard people say sex is suppose to be a blessing from God and that sexual feelings are not a sin and not evil. Its not a sin to struggle. Its a sin not to turn to God for help with that struggle but it is a sin to give to your desires.

    I've heard that having sex in your marriage is good and God ordained but I don't see how it is. I feel like the very act of sex or sexual feelings is just evil pure and simple. The bible doesn't say anywhere that I know that sex is good or sexual feelings. Everywhere I hear condemnation.

    Perhaps I am getting it wrong or my perceptions have warped my view of the bible or that I am seeing everything through my wounds from the past. I really need guidance. Because part of this feels like I just want to give up my faith now. Because what's the point if sex truly is evil no matter what and I can't get rid of sexual feelings or the desire for sex then I might as well say I'm evil and condemned and just give up belief in a God who would condemn me for something that is suppose to be ordained by him.

    Please I just need guidance and prayer.
     
  2. Well.....sex is not evil...by itself. However, if there are circumstances that indicate the intent of sexual intercourse to be wicked-then you could say there is evil. Anything not consensual would be wicked.

    What God's purpose is for you? Well that's between you and the Lord. As far as 'boyfriend-girlfriend' relationships; it is not in God's instruction manual. 'Marriage' is the binding force between a man and a woman.

    Not all men and women should be married-at least according to Christ and Paul:

    Matthew 19:
    3 The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?
    4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
    5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
    6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
    7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?
    8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
    9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
    10 His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.
    11 But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.
    12 For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

    1 Corinthians 7:
    1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. 6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. 7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. 8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

    10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: 11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. 12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. 13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. 15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. [1] 16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how [2] knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

    Maybe you shouldn't have sex....
     
  3. Sex was created by God with a Holy and good purpose. It is in the natural state a pure and beautiful thing. However, anything that is Holy can be distorted, twisted, and perverted by Satan. Just as the Holy is beautiful, the profane is ugly. Someone has allowed themselves to be twisted by a perversion of what God designed to be Holy and have used that as a weapon against you. They stole something from you that did not belong to them, and attempted to rob you and your future husband of something that could have been pure and joyful. Do you see how Satan was able to infect your life with evil and prevent you from experiencing a joy that God intended for you?

    Here is my advice. Talk to a Christian counsellor. Confide in a trusted pastor and get help. You may choose to be celibate for life as many others have before you, or you may choose another path. No matter which path you ultimately choose, you need to find healing from your past, and the Internet really isn't the best way to find that. We can point you in the right direction and help in whatever ways we can, but in the end, we can only do so much, and there are more people with bad advice than good out there.
     
    Rusty and Dirtyrottensinner say Amen and like this.
  4. I wasn't saying I was gunna have sex or remain celibate. ><! I was saying I wanted to know how sex can be good. All I hear is condemnation yet again. I feel condemned again. Which is why I wanted to run from my faith because all I feel is like I hear other Christians and people saying is that I'm bad for what happened to me. I didn't chose to be raped and abused like that.
     
  5. Aneri: I think the key is context. For you the sense of context has seemed negative because of past events. The King James speaks of 'due benevolence' within marriage, in 1 Corinthians 7: here the context is rather different from what you have come to identify with the subject.
     
  6. Nobody here is condemning you. We are trying to help you. Why do you feel we are condemning you? You are innocent. However, to answer your question, I'm honestly not sure anyone will be able to answer that except for you, and then only after a LOT of healing. You absolutely need to seek help. Please, go to your pastor or find a pastor you can trust.
     
    Rusty likes this.
  7. Aneri,

    My apologies if you felt like you were being attacked; let me rephrase my point: perhaps, because of your past experiences 'sex' right now won't be enjoyable-maybe never. Perhaps-and I say this with kindness- there may be some 'doublemindedness' in your thought process when dealing with this issue.

    Does part of you want to enjoy sex and part of you despise it? Or do you find the whole act repulsive? If you don't wish to answer I understand; I think like Banarenth said; the best thing you probably can do is seek Biblically sound counseling locally for this.

    You do have options:
    A: You can be in a sexless relationship
    B: You don't have to be in a relationship at all.
    C: you can be in a relationship where you despise the act
    D: or you can be in a relationship where you enjoy the act.

    I am trying to say this in love as kindly as possible; but conveying this via the internet on a public forum is a touch 'awkward' at best. A lot of what I see here as the problem is 'psychological' stemming from 'physical' abuse. So in reality a lot of whet you need is a 'change of mind/ change of heart' in this area if you want to enjoy the act.

    As far as 'sex' in a Biblical context-God never intended the act to be performed except between a husband and wife ( a couple committed to each other) in God's will- not what we think is okay to do. Genesis 2 -4. We live in a fallen world, and unfortunately your story is more common than it should be. May the Lord bless you with wisdom in this and heal your spirit.
     
  8. Procreation- to have children
    Gen. 1:28, "And God blessed them; and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.'"
    How else will you have children in marriage unless you adopt or what not.

    Intimacy through processing of conceiving : biblically referred as to know or knew
    Genesis 4:1
    And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from The Lord
    Knew according dictionary means - to be familiar or acquainted with,to have personal experience of an emotion or situation , to have developed a personal relationship with by spending time with them.

    In marriage Ideally to become joined together as one spirtually and physically -Matthew 19: 5
    And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
    6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

    Showing obedience towards one another physical needs in marriage - 1 Corinths 7: 1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
    2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
    4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
    5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
    6But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.
    7For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.

    And are in so many words husband and wife are to fulfill their duties as a marriage couple and in most marriages that I'm aware of sex is a component of marriage and according to Paul sex is helpful in a marriage to keep on from fornicating or sinning in general , even with that said after hearing your experiences still sex is consensual or must be agreed to without force, whether married or not. It's even biblical in
    1 Corinths 7: 3 it says -key word render- which means to submit, present, or give- no where does it say "take" in this dictionary .

    But sex is not necessary, if you want to be alone you can be alone. If you don't feel like you need it or want it and do without and just want a relationship with Jesus Christ only that is fine too according to Paul in 1 Corinths 7.

    But in Summary sex is only ordained in marriage, and has good reasons for why it is ordained in the first place. Which is to have children, to become one with your husband, have a intimate relationship with your husband, and to fulfill each other sexual needs . Though the devil takes it make evil out of it he does that with everything that has be approved through Christ Jesus . So don't let the devil fool you and make you think sex is bad cause it isn't if done the right way. Which is done through Christ in marriage.
    Also,

    I think it is your perception is wrong now, because first of all the bible doesn't say flat out that sex is good. But it's common sense. That holding a new born in your arms has a great feeling, that came from sex, having a relationship with your husband on another level, who wanted want that? And spending time with the one you love, is what anyone would like to experience. Christ likes spending time with us, don't he? All of those things are good, and is experienced in sex, when done the right way. You are just looking at it wrong . But it sounds to me you have already have a clue as to what your problem is and want confirmation and or agreement subliminally. What you should do ask Christ To remove this pain from your past and to help you to see the Good in him and in his ways. He would not ordain something that would not profit or benefit his children in a good way. He ways is not our ways nor his thoughts ... That is not the exact quoting the bible but I paraphrase.
    I hope and pray this makes sense and sorry it's a lot to read !
     
  9. SmilesXx:

    I think that when preachers, etc. talk about this subject, it's best for them to be married themselves, right?

    Not strictly necessary but better from someone acquainted with the subject personally.

    Blessings.
     
  10. PS: SmilesXx: Wasn't suggesting you were unqualified. Blessings.
     
  11. Aneri: I hope some of these comments from posters above have been of help. Just bear in mind, though, that if you choose to become very friendly with a man who thinks you would be willing to marry him, a life of abstinence is not what he is expecting and, in fact, 1 Corinthians 7 would indicate that among married couples this is not to be expected, either.

    Blessings.
     
  12. If that is the case: I think it is time to forgive ourselves, and those who trespassed against us.

    I relate it to unforgiving, because it is what unforgiving does: we let the past affects our present decisions…

    Being unforgiving : we become no longer the victim: we become the tormentor of ourselves …

    Forgive and forgave, are we not the forgiven? : )
     
  13. With the combination of twisted messages we are bombarded with today and your past experiences, it is understandable that you would feel the way you do. More and more as I grow older I am coming to understand better that it was intended as a gift. It is a good thing for a man and a woman, in the context of God ordained marriage, to desire one another. It is a good thing for them to present themselves to each other in a spirit of kindness and generosity. It was meant to create initmacy and strengthen bonds and to make what might otherwise be a weakness of human need become strength of unity, helping one another in our weaknesses.

    I think even well-meaning folk have made it seem dirty. I would characterise sex outside of God's intent as throwing pearls before swine. It is not that the pearls are fit to be thrown to the swine, that is the tragedy, that the swine do not value pearls and don't know any better than to trample them in the mud.
     
  14. Rumely: Good points, and like SmilesXx says it's Biblically a giving rather than a taking.

    Blessings.
     

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