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Virgin Marrying Non-virgin ... Serious Opinion Needed

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by nijikon, Jul 27, 2012.

  1. nijikon

    nijikon Member

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    Hello friends,

    I am a 27 year old guy, somewhat attractive, more on personality than on looks. Right out of my Ivy league school, I got a job in finance and am about that time in my life when I want (not need) a girlfriend.

    There's a multitude of angles in answering the question of which girlfriend to get. Experiences and previous girl_friends has stirred me to ponder on the following: should I consider a non-virgin as a girlfriend.

    More on context.

    1. I am a virgin and has always played it by the Bible. Undoubtedly, I have about 8 good years of real Christian upbringing. Admittedly, my quiet time has decreased dramatically. Still I serve and pray once a week because deep down I know Jesus is the truth.

    2. I'm all about class. I would never waste an hour with a girl just so I could lose it, knowing that she wasn't one to match up to my standards or what I expect myself to get from a girl. Yes, I'm talking all the commitment, emotional before the sex.

    3. I do believe in waiting until marriage and in ignorance is bliss. However, if the right girl comes along, we knew we were meant to be, then it might be the sack before the bells. That I turned down sex once should hint at the definition "right".

    Specifically, what I want to know from those who have had similar experiences:

    Am I inflating my righteousness in completely eliminating having sex with a non-virgin? Yes, I understand that Jesus forgives and that she didn't know me when she did it. However, I draw two negative outcomes from this: 1. I will NEVER have that special lose it to each other feeling, something which I may regret knowing I'll never have that. 2. Again, it's a matter of class. I'm giving away something to someone who can't give me hers. Don't look at history and just look at what it is right now. She gets mine but I don't get hers.

    Thank you in advance for your responses. I know I'm being a little verbose and perhaps boastful here. The thing is that I'm thought about this many times and I just need some Christian no nonsense opinions.

    Thanks.
    #1
  2. Rumely

    Rumely Senior Moderator Staff Member

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    I understand what you are saying, but I would like to offer some counterpoints for your consideration:

    1. Your "first time" might not live up to your expectations in any case.

    2. It would be a shame to reject out of hand a girl with a past who has since repented and has dedicated her life to honoring God in her body and in her heart.

    3. A corollary to #2: you never know who you might fall in love with.

    4. Her virginity is not the only gift a woman has to bring to a marriage. By focusing on that gift, you may be missing out on some other wonderful gifts she has to offer.

    5. "I do believe in waiting until marriage and in ignorance is bliss. However, if the right girl comes along, we knew we were meant to be, then it might be the sack before the bells. " Sex before the formal commitment, in other words. It may be well to consider what this says about your priorities.

    6. "I'm all about class. I would never waste an hour with a girl just so I could lose it, knowing that she wasn't one to match up to my standards or what I expect myself to get from a girl." I think it might be more important to look at what you expect yourself to give to a girl. Remember that marriage is a type of Christ and the Church. Jesus gave His life to redeem the Church out of all her centuries of sin.

    This is getting longer than I intended but to continue:

    7. Of course, if knowing a person is not a virgin would be something you couldn't get past, that would cause you regret, or would cause you to have a lower regard for her, it would be best that you not marry her and, of course, then there is little point in dating her.

    8. In marrying a non-virgin, you may not have that feeling of "losing it (virginity)" to each other on that first night together, but if you cultivate a marriage of Godly love and care, you can have that feeling of being able to abandon yourself to that other person on an ongoing basis. That is, to be totally secure in each other's love, unashamed, unafraid.

    As I said, I intended a much more brief reply. I do not present this as a lecture, but as food for thought.
    #2
    KingJ likes this.
  3. aha

    aha Active Member

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    Wanting a wife to be a virgin is an emotional need,... in my opinion...

    Wanting a wife that is helpful and faithful to you and to the Lord, is a wise thing a man will do. Proverbs 12:4

    God demonstrated his love when we were His enemy. Romans 5:8-10

    Love your Enemy
    If love is an emotion: it is hard to imagine possible
    If love is a deliberate act of the will: it is possible.

    If love is an emotion: a feeling, precisely why I think there are couple who “fell in love” “lost in love” “crazy in love” who suddenly files for a divorce later.

    Love is an act, it is manifested in action. Man is to act love in spite of all the shortcomings of the wife….

    Now, faithfulness of the wife to the husband is a must:
    ……that is how I understand what Paul meant that marriage is Christ and the Church is to each other....

    Now, our roles as husband:
    Man is to love his wife…..wife to respect/ submit to her husband.
    …. that is the major role we have.

    Related verses:

    Colossians 3:18-20
    18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
    19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
    20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
    21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

    Colossians 3:21-33
    21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
    22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
    23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
    24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
    25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
    26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
    27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
    28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
    29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—
    30 for we are members of his body.
    31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c]
    32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
    33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
    #3
  4. nijikon

    nijikon Member

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    Thank you aha for your response, though I wonder whether it was specific to my thread or was a generic guideline on what love is supposed to be. At any rate, I shall respond with my view with the hope of inviting others to comment.

    I understand that love needs to be a delibrate act of will or not an emotion. Thus, pertaining to my case, manifestations of both can be see as the following. By the way, this assumes that I want this girl.

    If it is a delibrate act of will, then I need to delibrately choose to accept her, this includes her non-virgin status, and love her for who she is. This mean forgoing me wanting that specialness between two virgins. This wanting can be seen as an emotional need of mine as you described it. And just like how Jesus gave up himself, along with all the needs or wants he wanted as a human, I should give up this emotional need and get into a relationship with this girl.

    A somewhat related question could be: can there ever be that specialness, which comes from two virgins, between a virgin and a non-virgin. All my queries assumes that there can't be, and rightly so since as a romantic myself, it is just beautiful that the two of you only bonded with each other. To thine ownself be true.

    And as it is right now, it seems that I don't love her enough to forgo this specialness. I just can't.
    #4
  5. nijikon

    nijikon Member

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    Oh, and I keep of reminding myself. If I go with a non-virgin, I will NEVER get that specialness between two virgins. I'm not sure whether this ringing in my head is justified.
    #5
  6. calvin

    calvin Well-Known Member

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    You might have a different perspective by the time you turn 40, and still a virgin.
    No, it is not!
    You ask a lot of questions.....now I will ask you one, or several.
    By what life experience do you know that there is a lasting 'specialness' to be enjoyed between two virgins?

    Now, another question. Are you thinking that this first encounter will be the lasting highlight of a marriage?
    Of course not. One romp in the cot and it will be gone, and there are so many ongoing events, disappointments and joys in life that these will naturally overpower the vividness of the memory of that first time.
    You could hang onto the memory, but only at the expense of your marriage relationship.
    A marriage relationship needs to be dynamic, not static, just as Christianity is a dynamic relationship with the Lord Chris Jesus, not static.

    Now, just suppose you had been married and your wife, either left you for the guy down the road and divorced you, or through some kind of accident or fatal illness left you a widower. Should a virgin girl you might subsequently meet reject you because you are no longer a virgin?
    More to the point, how could you reject a woman who was no longer a virgin because she had been married once and now widowed?
    You really do need to rethink your goals and attitudes.
    #6
    Rumely likes this.
  7. calvin

    calvin Well-Known Member

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    I don't want you to think that I advocate or condone promiscuity....I don't!
    We live in an R.G.B. world not a monochrome one. In other words, on meeting a woman who is no longer a virgin, we need to see the whole gamut, not the harsh unrelieved black and white fact of non virginity.
    As AHA so sagaciously put it..."If love is a deliberate act of the will: it is possible"
    #7
  8. KingJ

    KingJ Well-Known Member

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    I would say you must find a 'sancitified by God' woman. A lady who is saved is a virgin. We are all new creations in Christ, just be sure that she is in fact in Christ ;).

    We must grasp God's sanctification. For example the word says that if a husband leaves or commits adultery on his wife, then his wife is free to re-marry. Without going into finer detail, the ex-wife is in a sanctified state before God. I would see a sanctified state before God as a better indicator of a good woman then virginity.
    #8
    aha, covered_by_grace and calvin says Amen and like this.
  9. nijikon

    nijikon Member

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    Thanks Calvin for contributing to this thread. Me stating I wanted a virgin may have led you to wrong conclusions about myself. A clarification is in order.

    Certainly not the lasting highlight. Nonetheless, I see this encounter as the foundation, and perhaps promise, that we two will try our very best be together forever. Isn't that what a Christian marriage should be.

    Let's not bring in these situations. As for as I'm concern, they are hypertheical. I want to be married before 32, won't go for a married woman and under God's blessing, won't divorce my future wife.

    So indeed, what are my goals and attitudes. I'll keep it very simple. Stay close to the faith. Don't go into this fling business. Find someone who I believe has the capacity to pull through right to the end. And when my kids grow up, be able to tell them and me and my wife stuck it through the whole time.

    What I'm confused with the following: Whether a girl can fit into my goals and attitudes is dependent on her being a virgin or non-virgin?
    #9
  10. Agricola

    Agricola Active Member

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    If someone offered you a Aston Martin One 77 for nothing, but it had been owned and used by 10 other people, would you say no?

    The important thing is that you are equally yoked as Paul says, I made that mistake and paid the price dearly. It is good to keep yourself until marriage, yes there will be temptaions but speaking from experience, it is easier to reject temptation if you have not tasted the things you are being tempted with.
    #10
  11. nijikon

    nijikon Member

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    Since I'll never be able to afford the One 77, let alone the Virage, I'll of course take it!

    But the comparison with girls is irrelevant. It is pointless. My argument goes like this.

    1. You can't compare cars with girls because any upright, or Christian, person will tell you that looking at girls as objects is wrong.

    2. IF you are allowed to compare cars with girls, then, your statement taken literally would mean that the girl, while non-virgin, needs to have those qualities akin to a One 77 in order for her to compensate being a non-virgin. As funny as it sounds, that's what you are basically saying. So, she is hot, probably rich, very exclusive, the attraction of all guys (and girls) and moves fast (whatever that means).

    Am I one to look at girls this way? No. But if you really really really want to look at my situation in this angle, I'll counter pose and ask, would you want a Honda Civic 2.0l if it has been used by 10 other people knowing that you might be able to afford a new BMW 5 series in a few years time? Get my point.

    Also, I agreed with you saying that couples need to be equally yoked. That's precisely the problem. Based on how I played my life in the last few years, I'm still a virgin. And being yoke with a non-virgin, to me at least, defaults to unequally yoked. That's the main thing I'm struggling with.
    #11
  12. aha

    aha Active Member

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    Just to clarify what I said that wanting a wife to be a virgin is an “emotional need”, that is as far as the reason you stated: “a matter of class”…

    But, if you meant that virginity can be a good indicator that the lady is faithful to the Lord and will be faithful to you… then I agree with you...it can be a good indicator.
    #12
  13. covered_by_grace

    covered_by_grace Active Member

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    If the Lord has put it upon your heart to desire such a quality in your future wife, then don't question your desire for purity in your wife. It's obvious you have held yourself to the same standard (from what I can tell) and I'm sure you'd agree that He knows the real "why" behind what we do.

    However, if the Lord is putting this subject on your heart to teach you something new - maybe even something new to you about Himself, then perhaps you should open your eyes wider. Consider this in your heart:
    Acts 10:15
    "The voice spoke to him a second time, 'Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.'"

    God's blessing to you and your future wife! And may you find His Truth and the peace that surrounds it!
    #13
    calvin and aha say Amen and like this.
  14. nijikon

    nijikon Member

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    Yup, that almost describes how I see virginity. I'll be honest. I passed up sex once. (I got witnesses for that :) ) In this world where about 10% of guys could have done what I did, I can't help but say that I'm not in that group of guys that sets it upon themselves to have sex with as many girls as they can. And I equate not being in that group as class.

    Sure, you can call me self righteous. Sure you can call me boastful. Or sure, you can simply say so what. Let me be clear. Me saying being of class is NOT to show off to other my measure of self control. It is just to make clear how my circumstances, upbringing and yes Christian teachings brought me to where I am today - a 27 year old virgin, by the grace of God trying to not fall in sexual immorality and now finding a potential wife. I wouldn't be having this conversation if I have lost it.

    Thus the situation: It would be ideal if I had someone of similar class, which as per my definition is a virgin or the very small subset of girls who had sex a limited amount of times and repented after. Am I right seeking this ideal-ness? Am I right in thinking going with a non-virgin equates to me going for someone of lesser class.
    #14
  15. nijikon

    nijikon Member

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    Thank you covered_by_grace for this quote. I'll go look it up. This I feel is another out of my situation. I view it as turning to God for an answer as opposed to analysing my emotional needs.
    #15
  16. covered_by_grace

    covered_by_grace Active Member

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    Amen! He will never lead you astray and He will not guide you into confusion. Speaking of myself only, if I were to attempt to analyze my emotional needs - it would be impossible, as it would be trying to aim at a moving target! LOL ...NOT that I don't try... :rolleyes:

    May God bless you as you seek to find His will for your life in this matter!
    #16
  17. nijikon

    nijikon Member

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    A quick query because I just thought about this during my way back from work.

    Same situation. Me a virgin and her a non-virgin. They say that the deeper emotionally, not physically, I get with a girl, the more disturbing her non-virgin status becomes. I'll be struck with retroactive jealousy with full force to the point I don't know what to do.

    Truth in the above?

    Why I ask? Well, cause right now, her non-virgin status bothers me only a little. There's attraction and grooving. We went out frequently. Definitely mutual liking. But no confession. What I fear the most is that once we become gf/bf, 6 months down the line, I'll be WTH, "This girl slept with someone before me."

    I just want to safegard myself, and maybe even her, from that ugly confrontation. From some I speak with, they said that the ugly confrontation will come. It just hits them like a train and turmoil happens.

    As a happy, cool and mature Christian right now, I want to avoid that. And if me going with a non-virgin evitably brings that, then it's simply. I won't go in.
    #17
  18. nijikon

    nijikon Member

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    Case in point: Just read some, though not a lot, stories of retroactive jealousy hitting the person a year or two into the marriage. They come to a realization that they did NOT, will NEVER, have that special experience of losing it to another virgin. Whereas their partner had this argubly special experience. (I'm still clinging on to the hope that it is special, losing it to another virgin)

    That is my greatest FEAR, going too deep into a relationship only to realize that experience you wanted so much will never come. Blame unfolds. It's not who to blame, who made mistakes, or who's past is worse. It is about making the decision NOW that will least likely make the two of us ugly.

    Maybe I should have forget it all and just go with it. Or maybe that's why the Bible is truth. For if each of us listened to what is said about immorality, none of this complications would arise. And our problem will then be about getting that coveted One 77.

    Thoughts?
    #18
  19. KingJ

    KingJ Well-Known Member

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    Now your OP makes more sense :) . If its in her nature to have sex before marriage it is an issue. If she was unsaved / backsliding and you can now see a significant move from her towards getting closer to God by herself, different story as I said in post # 8.

    You need a woman that has fear and respect for God. She must refuse to be with you intimately outside marriage and not allow you to put her in tempting situations. If you are allowing yourself to be in tempting situations I would challenge you to question your own fear and respect for God. Is the fact that you are a virgin because you fear and respect God or just that you are behind the pack? Remember when we are in Christ and carrying our cross in fear and respect for God, our past sins are removed as far as the east is from the west, Psalms 103:12. If that is good enough for God to be with us, how much more for you?
    #19
  20. nijikon

    nijikon Member

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    Hello KingJ,

    Thank you for your prompt reply.

    About 3 years ago, it was 70% Fear of God, 20% Specialness in waiting, 10% Behind the pack.
    Now, it is 60% Fear of God, 40% Specialness in waiting and 0% Behind the pack. (I had the chance with a close hot friend in '11 and it should be clear that I can be bf/gf with this girl.)

    So it seems that we are back to the criteria of more her being close to God and less of her past. I like this. And definitely, having known her closer this year, I can certainly tell she's valuing the sanctity of marriage the waiting involved in it.

    As with most people I know (read: in my circle) who lost their virginity young, they start to realize the tragedy in not being able to give their potential life partner their diamond simply because they gave it away in a few hours of ecstasy.

    The problem I am back to is whether her being close to God is enough to compensate for me not being able to have her diamond. It now becomes personal. CAN I HANDLE IT? Is all that waiting, especially when I had chance to have sex before, suppose to mean something when I lose it to my wife WITH her losing it to me too. Or just a mere illusion that results in me beating myself up knowing that the reality is that most girls are non-virgins like the one I have here.
    #20

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