D
dontseem2beable2register
Guest
Urgent question: How do I go on from here?
Hi. I've been dealing with depression, and I almost escaped from it, but I feel worse than before again, I feel betrayed, I feel used, and just plain horrible.. Let me tell you why;
It started out as this.
I didn't see the reason to hang on to life anymore, and I prayed for God, to bring someone in my life that I could love, that would love me, and who I could be happy with. The very next day, I had a friend invite on some community site, by some girl. It took me like a week to understand what just happened, and I added her on MSN, we started talking, and she told me she liked me. I asked her to hang out some times, and our first 'date' was magical, literally the best day of my life.
We both were in love with each other, and we barely spoke, but her love stroked eyes told me enough. We kept on hanging out, till our first kiss, which was amazing as well. I didn't feel anything of the depression I have for a long time, but then, I was stupid enough to ask her to sleep over sometimes, not for the sex (I don't want before marriage, and she knows that), but to get to know her better. She told me she'd rather not, because she was afraid of what people might think of us. A few text messages later she told me that she would sleep over with her girlfriend a few days later. And as I read that, something within me snapped. I was so unsure of her, and us as in a relationship.
I fell back in my depression, and in another sad mood, I wanted to text my friend about how I felt about the girl, and how unsure I was, but I accidentally sent it to the girl herself. She really did not appreciate it, and she didn't understand, so we had a conversation a few days later. I explained her everything, and she told me she truly loved me. Unfortunately, she stopped saying sweet things to me, something which I got used to.. I fell back even further into my depression, and we hung out last Sunday. We have been lying on my bed, tongue kissing for literally four hours straight, but I felt like something wasn't right, so I kept my mouth closed, but she pushed her tongue through my closed lips. I don't know why but it just didn't feel right anymore.. She enjoyed it though.
That evening I got a text from her, she said she had to say something, which was quite hard for her to do, and it was something she had thought about for a long time. I asked her if everything was going to be alright, and the next morning, she texted me that 'we could still be friends, but no more than that'. I have been crying for three days straight, barely ate anything, and spent most of my days in bed. I asked her to explain why, and we decided to have another talk..
That talk was just plain horrible. She told me, without feeling bad in any way, or feeling sorry, that I wasn't the boy she got to know anymore. I had been kind of depressed since that text, so I think that would be about two weeks, which isn't too long for what I'm used to. But she said, she's only 15, and there is SO much more in life for her, and she couldn't handle how I was always that sad. She also said I never told her why I was sad. I really don't understand this, because I only told her once I didn't feel right.
Anyway, she said we could still be friends, but I told her I can't be friends with someone who has betrayed me, used me, and lied to me. She didn't understand, and she just said sorry, and walked away. I just sat on the bench we had that conversation for about a hour, and cried like never before. I kept on texting her, and told her how I felt. We decided to have another chat, she didn't think it would change anything anymore, but if it made me feel better, it was okay.
So I emptied my hart to her. I told her the story of my life, my failed suicide attempts, the miraculous way I had met her, and she was just like 'wow', and she was kind of.. quiet for a minute.. I think it really touched her, and I asked her to still be friends, but I don't know if I have made the right decision here.
She means to much to me to just let her go, even though I don't seem to mean anything to her. Everything I've sacrificed for her, every sweet thing I said, every date we had.. Everything felt like it never meant anything, but I just keep on getting flashbacks from our first date, which was the best day of my life. When I just think of her cute face, on our first date, how bad I just wanted to hold her hand, how much I wanted to kiss her, how she felt the same. I don't know why she did this to me. When someone doesn't feel right, you support him, instead of just dropping him, right?
Was she not the right one for me anyway? If she wasn't, I KNOW it's my own fault, because I prayed to God to give her to me, and He did, even though He knew what pain this was going to cause. A few minutes before that last talk we had, in which I told her we could still be friends, I prayed to God again. I asked Him, that if she still has feelings for me, or if we can still become more than friends someday, that she would accept my request to still become friends, and if she didn't feel anything, or if we could never become more than friends, that she would just decline.
She accepted. Is she the one? Am I looking at this the wrong way? What should I do? I love her for the person she is, and I can forgive her for the pain she has caused to me the past few days, but every single friend, or contact I ask about this, tells me to just drop her. 'She abandoned me when I needed her the most, so you deserve better!' is what they say. What do you think? I don't know if I will ever get over this.. I just opened my heart to someone, the first person I have ever loved as more than a friend, and she just abuses my love, because she enjoys kissing (at least, by the looks of it!), and it ends like this. It just doesn't feel right..!
Any help would be appreciated a LOT! Thanks in advance
.
Hi. I've been dealing with depression, and I almost escaped from it, but I feel worse than before again, I feel betrayed, I feel used, and just plain horrible.. Let me tell you why;
It started out as this.
I didn't see the reason to hang on to life anymore, and I prayed for God, to bring someone in my life that I could love, that would love me, and who I could be happy with. The very next day, I had a friend invite on some community site, by some girl. It took me like a week to understand what just happened, and I added her on MSN, we started talking, and she told me she liked me. I asked her to hang out some times, and our first 'date' was magical, literally the best day of my life.
We both were in love with each other, and we barely spoke, but her love stroked eyes told me enough. We kept on hanging out, till our first kiss, which was amazing as well. I didn't feel anything of the depression I have for a long time, but then, I was stupid enough to ask her to sleep over sometimes, not for the sex (I don't want before marriage, and she knows that), but to get to know her better. She told me she'd rather not, because she was afraid of what people might think of us. A few text messages later she told me that she would sleep over with her girlfriend a few days later. And as I read that, something within me snapped. I was so unsure of her, and us as in a relationship.
I fell back in my depression, and in another sad mood, I wanted to text my friend about how I felt about the girl, and how unsure I was, but I accidentally sent it to the girl herself. She really did not appreciate it, and she didn't understand, so we had a conversation a few days later. I explained her everything, and she told me she truly loved me. Unfortunately, she stopped saying sweet things to me, something which I got used to.. I fell back even further into my depression, and we hung out last Sunday. We have been lying on my bed, tongue kissing for literally four hours straight, but I felt like something wasn't right, so I kept my mouth closed, but she pushed her tongue through my closed lips. I don't know why but it just didn't feel right anymore.. She enjoyed it though.
That evening I got a text from her, she said she had to say something, which was quite hard for her to do, and it was something she had thought about for a long time. I asked her if everything was going to be alright, and the next morning, she texted me that 'we could still be friends, but no more than that'. I have been crying for three days straight, barely ate anything, and spent most of my days in bed. I asked her to explain why, and we decided to have another talk..
That talk was just plain horrible. She told me, without feeling bad in any way, or feeling sorry, that I wasn't the boy she got to know anymore. I had been kind of depressed since that text, so I think that would be about two weeks, which isn't too long for what I'm used to. But she said, she's only 15, and there is SO much more in life for her, and she couldn't handle how I was always that sad. She also said I never told her why I was sad. I really don't understand this, because I only told her once I didn't feel right.
Anyway, she said we could still be friends, but I told her I can't be friends with someone who has betrayed me, used me, and lied to me. She didn't understand, and she just said sorry, and walked away. I just sat on the bench we had that conversation for about a hour, and cried like never before. I kept on texting her, and told her how I felt. We decided to have another chat, she didn't think it would change anything anymore, but if it made me feel better, it was okay.
So I emptied my hart to her. I told her the story of my life, my failed suicide attempts, the miraculous way I had met her, and she was just like 'wow', and she was kind of.. quiet for a minute.. I think it really touched her, and I asked her to still be friends, but I don't know if I have made the right decision here.
She means to much to me to just let her go, even though I don't seem to mean anything to her. Everything I've sacrificed for her, every sweet thing I said, every date we had.. Everything felt like it never meant anything, but I just keep on getting flashbacks from our first date, which was the best day of my life. When I just think of her cute face, on our first date, how bad I just wanted to hold her hand, how much I wanted to kiss her, how she felt the same. I don't know why she did this to me. When someone doesn't feel right, you support him, instead of just dropping him, right?
Was she not the right one for me anyway? If she wasn't, I KNOW it's my own fault, because I prayed to God to give her to me, and He did, even though He knew what pain this was going to cause. A few minutes before that last talk we had, in which I told her we could still be friends, I prayed to God again. I asked Him, that if she still has feelings for me, or if we can still become more than friends someday, that she would accept my request to still become friends, and if she didn't feel anything, or if we could never become more than friends, that she would just decline.
She accepted. Is she the one? Am I looking at this the wrong way? What should I do? I love her for the person she is, and I can forgive her for the pain she has caused to me the past few days, but every single friend, or contact I ask about this, tells me to just drop her. 'She abandoned me when I needed her the most, so you deserve better!' is what they say. What do you think? I don't know if I will ever get over this.. I just opened my heart to someone, the first person I have ever loved as more than a friend, and she just abuses my love, because she enjoys kissing (at least, by the looks of it!), and it ends like this. It just doesn't feel right..!
Any help would be appreciated a LOT! Thanks in advance
.
