Unmarried young couple - sharing a bed ?

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Jaybird, Jun 21, 2015.

  1. Hello! There's something that has been on my mind for quite a while and I hope to find someone who could give me advice. I'm Protestant, 21 years old, female and in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend is 19 years old, Catholic and still lives with his parents and sister. A few months ago we met for the first time in person and his family invited me to stay with them at their place for two weeks. We had a wonderful time together. After three days we started sleeping in the same bed. We had never talked much about sexual things, but we both knew that we're against premarital intercourse because it's sinful. At first it was not easy to overcome lustful thought, especially for him, but after a long and profound discussion about our faith and our views on the relationship we came to the conclusion that we could continue to sleep in the same bed without risking to commit a sin. Anyway, his mother found out about us spending the night in one room and was quite upset about it. I apologised to her and told her that I did not know she would mind. Being a very kind person, she said that it's okay and that I should not worry about it, but I'm not so sure. I talked with my boyfriend about the issue and he claimed that the only reason why she's against it is that some of their (unmarried!) relatives got pregnant at a very young age. While I understand that she is worried about her son ending up in such a terrible situation, I wonder why she doesn't trust him enough.
    In November I am going to visit him again (I wish I could have invited him over, but unfortunately he is not able to get a visa anytime soon) and honestly, I don't know what to do. I don't want to upset his mother once again. Maybe talking with her about it would help, but I am very uncomfortable with talking about sexual things.

    I'd like to get advice on how to handle the situation, and I'd like to hear your opinions on sleeping in the same bed as an unmarried couple.

    Thank you very much.
    Kindest regards,
  2. I advise against is, as in 100% do not do it.

    Maybe you guy's can do it 100 times with no temptation, and nothing goes wrong. But I have yet to talk to one couple who shares a bed and does not have sexual relations. It opens the door for failure, and it honestly takes away from marriage in my opinion. Is it really worth the risk of falling into the lust of the flesh and sexual temptation for the sake of sharing a bed?
    Its an unnecessary risk that can lead to very terrible consequences.
    Abdicate likes this.
  3. Thank you for your reply. The way I see it is that I want to live a life that honours God, and I know that I both need to keep myself from falling into the lust of the flesh and make sure that my behaviour does not encourage my partner to commit a sin either. It's my duty as his girlfriend. I'm aware of the huge responsibility I have, and I would not do it if I was not sure I was in control of myself in these situations.
  4. #4 Klub, Jun 22, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2015
    Speaking from a guy's perspective, having a girl sleep in the same bed is temptation. He is allowing you to temp him whether you know it or not. I'm not saying he is a terrible boyfriend. He honestly sounds like a good guy, but sleeping in the same bed is wrong, it is a temptation that will eventually lead to sin.

    I am not speaking to sound mean, or rude, but I've been in the same shoes before. I've had the same thoughts of "I can control myself" but even the best intentions can crumble with the fall of one small stone. I only wish that you do not fall into the same boat I did.
  5. I would also advice against this.. I don't think this is the wisest thing to do.. There is no point putting ourselves in a situation of temptation and feel we can control ourselves.. Just stay away from the source of temptation!
    Klub likes this.
  6. It is good to hear you apologise, that is, it shows understanding of other people’s points of view.
    A point of view, among a lot of classification can be:
    Conservative = traditional, old fashion, old school…
    Liberal = broad minded, open minded​

    It surely clash from time to time….

    Conservative = of course there is Trust ….. it is more wisdom from EXPERIENCE

    Question now: is it always like that? or course there are exceptions….
    how to validate there is indeed exception = it takes TIME to confirm…
    is the TIME element already there? Yes or No?
    If Yes, question next is how long the TIME element to be confirmed? thus, TIME can mean experience.... and old people of course have it more than young people...

    Liberal = … it tries to see what is more important, the core = trusting each other…

    hmmm…. I happen to be MORE of a Conservative : ) it saves TIME to analyze a situation, although I also have Liberal ideas...

    …. although it can "hurt" to hear Liberal is saying to a Conservative “there is no trust enough”…. there is wisdom in being a Conservative...
  7. Both of you aren't trustworthy in such an arrangement. God's word tells us to flee from sexual immorality, and to avoid even the appearance of evil.

    1 Corinthians 6:18
    Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.

    2 Timothy 2:22
    Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.

    1 Thessalonians 5:22
    Abstain from evil [shrink from it and keep aloof from it] in whatever form or whatever kind it may be.
    Francis Drake likes this.
  8. It takes a strong person to spend a considerable amount of time in the same bed without anything sexual developing.
    My advice would be; share a bed once married, this would reduce any temptation. I think your boyfriends mother would find this wise too.
  9. I want to approach this from another direction. You've already received very definitive responses to your primary question.

    My focus is on the Catholic/Protestant differences. Not in relationship to "sleeping in the same bed," but rather, coming together in union of spiritual perspective. How that affects your lives together, and how that will affect your children's lives (should God grant you them).

    Are you two talking at all about your Doctrinal differences? You SHOULD be. Especially if this relationship is turning into something that you believe COULD lead to a marriage.

    Cturtle, Euphemia and Ravindran says Amen and like this.
  10. Sharing a bed leaves the door wide open for premarital sex would be easier not to do this.
  11. Being that one is Protestant and one is Catholic doesn't necessarily mean that either one is even born again, which really makes it understandable that we are being posed this question to do with Godly morality. They just don't know.
  12. Yep, agree. That's a whole other level to this, as well.

    Euphemia likes this.
  13. You guys are barely out of teenage years and the real hormones have not kicking in totally yet... avoid it 100% as @Klub said. You're just literally playing with fire. Thoughts turn to dreams which turn into "accidental" encounters which leaves the devil right there yelling "What's the big deal!? You guys love each other." You (or he) agrees and WAM! Baby on the way. The Holy Spirit won't help not to get burnt if you're playing with something you can't control. "Dig a pit and you'll fall in it."
    Klub likes this.
  14. I recommend you to buy and read this book: Moral Revolution by Jason Vallotton, Kris Vallotton - it can help you to understand what to do with your relationship and how (and why) to keep your purity.
    Euphemia likes this.
  15. #15 Francis Drake, Jun 24, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2015
    God's design for sexual enjoyment and/or procreation was no afterthought.
    There are subtle differences between the way males and females get sexually aroused, but I seriously wonder whether females have the slightest clue how males actually get sexually aroused? Simply observing women around the town and in the church indicates to me the complete ignorance or an "I don't give a damn, its the man's own fault" attitude of the vast majority,.

    Here's a clue for the ladies, men do not just get sexually aroused because they suddenly need or want sex. Sexual arousal isn't always caused by male lustfulness. Even a clean thinking and righteous man can find himself fighting it and failing.

    I pose these questions because I see women particularly young ones parading around in skimpy provocative low cut clothes, even in the church, and then protesting that men sniff around after them!

    Yes, there is a certain aspect of freewill choice here, but lets do a side step and look at farm animals for a moment.

    When sheep are in breeding season, the farmer will put his ram in with the herd of ewes. With no persuasion or instructions from the farmer, the suddenly aroused ram mounts up on the ewes one after the other, day by day until they are all impregnated. The exhausted ram well earns his keep for the farmer, and then has the year off, but why does the ram suddenly get like that?

    For several years I watched this often enough with my own herd of sheep and the three rams I owned.

    If the ram was left with the ewes, would he be mounting them day in day out all year and forever? The answer is no, his interest is only triggered at certain times and seasons that have absolutely nothing to do with the ram himself. He is a mere victim of the ewes!

    In fact if the ram was kept a long way from any ewes, he would spend his days eating grass and thinking of nothing else.

    The ram had no feelings about sex prior to getting wind of the female, and yes "wind" is the right word. The ram is now very sexually aroused, and hasn't the first clue what's happening, and its all the fault of the ewe! The ram has an itch and needs to scratch it, and that's why he mounts the ewe.

    The ewe has no clue that her pheremones have triggered the ram's arousal, when all she wants to do is to fill up with grass.

    And that's the point that seems to be missing with many women even in the church, they are blind and deaf as as they sexually arouse men.

    God created different animals with different sexual responses.
    With man, sexual attraction is visually based, (including the mental visual).
    In other words, men were created by God so that naked female bodies will produce involuntary sexual arousal in most men.

    It is time that women took responsibility for their sexual titillation of men.
    Before I get my ears chewed off by women members of this forum, I am fully aware that countless men spend their whole lives seeking and enjoying sexual arousal as their only sport in life. For that they must also take responsibility, and they are regularly accused of such in the media, but it is time the media also started accusing women for their part.

    Thus any woman climbing into bed with a man, unless she is wearing a full outdoor set of clothes etc, is placing him in an extremely difficult position. Few men would be able to restrain their sexual arousal or halt their imagination from becoming uncontrollable in such circumstances.

    Such activity is a wide open door for Satan to release all sorts of demonic attacks to push them into fornication.

    Amongst all the rape reports that appear in the media, we read frequently where the woman had voluntarily been in bed naked with the man prior to the supposed assault.
    In my view, consent for sex is given the moment that they agree to get into bed together! Fornication starts in the mind!
    If that is rape, then deliberately getting a man sexually aroused by provocative activity or provocative clothing is a sexual assault on the man.

    And finally, there is world of difference between women and ewes in terms of sexual attraction. Ewes have no choice about getting the ram aroused. In contrast women can make that choice or deny that choice.
    Klub likes this.
  16. I am so glad that humans are not part of the animal kingdom!
  17. Agreed Euphemia, the fact that many behave as if they are animals doesn't alter the basic truth that we are the only ones created in the image of God.
    I guess you could also say that Darwinism has done its fair share of giving humans the incentive to act like animals.
    Mykuhl and Euphemia say Amen and like this.
  18. Yes, and so many people with beliefs in evolution and just plain atheism love to compare us to the animal kingdom in order to justify their beliefs about all sorts of things, including homosexuality. It's just dumb.
    Mykuhl and Francis Drake say Amen and like this.

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