Understanding God's way when it comes to relationships (or lack thereof)

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by jmilly, Sep 7, 2014.

  1. Let me preface by saying I know we're not supposed to covet what other people have, and I may be coveting what other people have, but I actually see it more as noticing that other people are doing much better in this department than I am and it makes me wonder why I am not yet at their level... maybe that is coveting actually. (shrug).

    I was just thinking about how the last few guys that I was involved with can be described as follows: 1) ex boyfriend cheated on me and lied to me, and then abandoned me. 2) the next guy had just gotten out of a long relationship and I am not sure if he liked me or if he was being cruel to me and making fun of me. for instance we went out, at his urging, and the very next day he contacted me saying he likes somebody else. only to keep trying to talk to me and get my attention. then if i was nice to him the next time i see him, he snubs me. (it's too complicated that's the summary). 3) the next guy SEEMS interested in me and acts in ways to make me think that, but then unapologetically stands me up and talks to me in a patronizing way, acting as though i'm unstable for being upset. (there's more to that story too) 4) the only guy interested in me is not only not attractive to me but not even a good person. He tried to convince me to violate somebody's trust. yeah like I want you to date you. 5) another guy i had dated would say he didn't want a relationship - that one was years ago when i was younger.

    anyways, a few of these situations have caused me to be depressed and not perform well in grad school. I do recall many nights spent crying. I think of my classmate ("Beth") who has published works, did extremely well in grad school, and just got married. yet i look at myself and think of all the destruction my attempts at love have caused. Not only did i get rejected and dumped, they affected other areas in my life. I can't help but think, what is Beth doing right? How did she get so lucky and fortunate to have all these blessings?
    Now guy #2 has moved in with his current girlfriend, and I am thinking the same thing, why did I get the short end of the stick with him, but he's willing to move in with her? I know when we went out, it was bad timing, but he wasn't very nice to me, and I hadn't been pushy or done anything to him whatsoever. After I found Christ, I did him a favor, and the next time I see him, he literally turns around when he sees me. :-( I will never admit this to anybody in my "real" life - but between me and you all, I still have feelings for him, and think about him all the time, I'm not even sure why. I haven't spoken to him in over a year!

    I know a lot of my misfortune is my fault. I've actually decided to give up on anything related to love. But at the same time, I can't help but think why can't I also be blessed in these areas like these other people.
    The reason I don't think it's completely coveting and jealousy is that I do know other friends who are about to get married or whatever, but I don't feel the same sadness. But maybe it's because they have unique situations, whereas those other two girls are more similar to me, so it strikes a nerve, which would be me being jealous

    Anyways, sorry to ramble on. It's just sometimes I have trouble maintaining faith, and I'm just being candid.
  2. Let me start by saying that it can certainly be very difficult to be single and seemingly surrounded by happy couples everywhere. I don't want to minimize your feelings of discouragement and frustration.

    However, I do see several things in your post that are cause for concern:
    "anyways, a few of these situations have caused me to be depressed and not perform well in grad school. I do recall many nights spent crying"
    "It's just sometimes I have trouble maintaining faith"

    This is really negatively affecting your life and faith (I know, you're probably thinking, "tell me something I didn't already know!"). The challenge is how to develop joy and peace regardless of your circumstances, so that those things are always within you whether you are single or married.

    I humbly recommend:
    1. Study the word of God and spend plenty of time in prayer, focusing on God's love for you as His child. He must become your ultimate source of happiness and self-worth.
    2. If you are not actively involved in a Bible-preaching church where you can grow and serve, find one!
    3. Build relationships with other Christian women, preferably in the aforementioned Bible-preaching church, who can support and encourage you.
    jmilly likes this.
  3. Thanks, but I just want to clarify i was more asking why I met all these horrible guys who were very mean to me. Not that i'm single. i'd prefer to be single than to be with someone abusive. I wish i had never had those experiences. I was merely saying, look at all these couples who are happy and healthy yet my own experiences in dating and relationships have not been pleasant. And even looking at one I was with - the second one - he kept telling me, even without me asking, how he doesn't want a relationship with me or saying how he likes other people, not me. and he has moved in with this other girl and it seems like he's nice to her. I never had even asked him to tell me whether he likes me or not. He like asked me out only to tell me how he doesn't like me. It was weird.
    All i'm saying is that why do i have all these misfortunes like the bad experience with that guy.
    in short, it's more about the lousy experiences that make up my dating life rather than me being sad about being single..... i have never had a boyfriend where it was a great relationship of respect and love. The closest thing to that was the one who appeared like we were great together, only he was secretly cheating on me. I never said i was depressed about being single. I was saying having to deal with being treated that way had left me depressed (at the time) and had affected other areas of my life (at the time). but the effects were long lasting (i.e. i got bad grades... now i'm STILL struggling to get a job. It's a ripple effect) My being single has not had that effect. if anything the lack of any "action" has been a good thing, lol.
  4. I would propose you become fussier + get in shape.

    Get in shape = humble yourself. Be that sweet and humble girl that has the appearance of being able to be hurt. When in fact that humility is supported by a trust in God.

    Fussier = do not even think of guys who are not humble, 'nervous', meak and Godly.

    You really think your friends are happier? Being with a selfish person is ugly, all the time. Stay selfless. Find / pray hard for a guy who is selfless. God will bring one your way.

    I am not proposing you wait for the right guy. We must be actively seeking. Just narrow your view, become fussier and get /stay in Godly shape. Always praying 'may the Lord's will be done, regardless'.
  5. Okay, now I see what you were saying. I probably can't answer why your dating experiences have been so unpleasant, unless you are subconsciously drawn to those type of guys because for some reason you want to try to "fix" them. It sounds like you are at least determined to try to do things differently now.

    My advice to you would be similar to what my now almost-36-year-old self would give to myself years ago if I could travel back in time to talk to myself. Always strive to develop godly character within yourself, and always look for godly character when pursuing a relationship. Don't settle for less, or you will certainly end up with less. In other words, don't date someone to find out their character. Find out their character before agreeing moving on the dating/relationship/courting stage. I kinda don't like to recommend dating as it is done these days anyway, but that is a topic for another post.

    A little pickiness on your part is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you are picky for the right reasons (Good Pickiness = rejecting a guy because he doesn't care about spiritual things like reading the Bible and prayer, or because he shows no respect for you...Bad Pickiness = rejecting a guy because he wears ugly shoes).
    Robine and jmilly say Amen and like this.
  6. I think that you will always see people around you who seem to have easier lives. But you see them in their happy time. The problem is that you did not see them in the hard times or maybe the hard times are yet to come in their lives. Nobody has an easy life without hard times. You may think that difficulties of other people are not as hard as yours but I think that every difficulty is hard.

    If I ask the question: “Why do these hard things happen to me?”, I have to answer: “Why shouldn’t they happen to me?”. Searching for a reason why God allowed it can be sometimes a blind valley. It is better to think about what mistakes I did in these hard times, to learn from them and to try to avoid these mistakes next time.

    God can always transform our mistakes into great things. The best thing you can do is to read Bible, pray, talk to God and talk with other Christians. Try to get to know God better and better and you may experience His great love for you.
    Where is the Messiah and jmilly say Amen and like this.
  7. this was touching and so real. so down to earth, humble and vulnerable.

    thank you.

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