Let me preface by saying I know we're not supposed to covet what other people have, and I may be coveting what other people have, but I actually see it more as noticing that other people are doing much better in this department than I am and it makes me wonder why I am not yet at their level... maybe that is coveting actually. (shrug). I was just thinking about how the last few guys that I was involved with can be described as follows: 1) ex boyfriend cheated on me and lied to me, and then abandoned me. 2) the next guy had just gotten out of a long relationship and I am not sure if he liked me or if he was being cruel to me and making fun of me. for instance we went out, at his urging, and the very next day he contacted me saying he likes somebody else. only to keep trying to talk to me and get my attention. then if i was nice to him the next time i see him, he snubs me. (it's too complicated that's the summary). 3) the next guy SEEMS interested in me and acts in ways to make me think that, but then unapologetically stands me up and talks to me in a patronizing way, acting as though i'm unstable for being upset. (there's more to that story too) 4) the only guy interested in me is not only not attractive to me but not even a good person. He tried to convince me to violate somebody's trust. yeah like I want you to date you. 5) another guy i had dated would say he didn't want a relationship - that one was years ago when i was younger. anyways, a few of these situations have caused me to be depressed and not perform well in grad school. I do recall many nights spent crying. I think of my classmate ("Beth") who has published works, did extremely well in grad school, and just got married. yet i look at myself and think of all the destruction my attempts at love have caused. Not only did i get rejected and dumped, they affected other areas in my life. I can't help but think, what is Beth doing right? How did she get so lucky and fortunate to have all these blessings? Now guy #2 has moved in with his current girlfriend, and I am thinking the same thing, why did I get the short end of the stick with him, but he's willing to move in with her? I know when we went out, it was bad timing, but he wasn't very nice to me, and I hadn't been pushy or done anything to him whatsoever. After I found Christ, I did him a favor, and the next time I see him, he literally turns around when he sees me. :-( I will never admit this to anybody in my "real" life - but between me and you all, I still have feelings for him, and think about him all the time, I'm not even sure why. I haven't spoken to him in over a year! I know a lot of my misfortune is my fault. I've actually decided to give up on anything related to love. But at the same time, I can't help but think why can't I also be blessed in these areas like these other people. The reason I don't think it's completely coveting and jealousy is that I do know other friends who are about to get married or whatever, but I don't feel the same sadness. But maybe it's because they have unique situations, whereas those other two girls are more similar to me, so it strikes a nerve, which would be me being jealous Anyways, sorry to ramble on. It's just sometimes I have trouble maintaining faith, and I'm just being candid.