I grew up in a Christian home with a Christian mother, non-Christian sister but a dad that only got baptized and has fallen away. I used to go to youth camp for a few summers and wanted to be a Christian but never truly was. I professed to be one but one day someone asked me if I was and I knew if I said yes, I’d be lying. I said “No, but I want to be.” I had fallen into some deep sins years later while still going to church. Sexual immorality, disobedience to parents, and at times lack of self control were some of my biggest. I got married at 18 Sept 2016 and left home to be with a guy I barely knew in Dec 2016 and didn’t go to church for until March 2018. I wanted to go back to church but he would never go with me and I didn’t want to go alone. I moved back home March 2018 and was going to church again by the grace of God. I got into marijuana and was committing adultery though I was still married but separated.
September 11, 2018, I was smoking and had a trip so bad that I woke up my parents and they cried. I was hallucinating that I was being sentenced to hell but it felt so real. From that day on, I have had high anxiety. I realized again my need to be saved and I desire the things of God and I want to live in obedience now.
Since my “salvation” in Oct 2018, I have been having strange things going on. The day before my panic attack in Sept 2018, I felt “comfortable” in my sin. The day after I did drugs and had the huge panic attack, I kept saying it felt like I was possessed. From September until October, I kept feeling scared and like someone was following me. There was a day where I was with a male at his house and multiple times, I felt guilty and uncomfortable because it felt wrong. I felt like something evil was taunting me but I didn’t know why and I didn’t feel comfortable seeing guys anymore at one point. When I took communion before being a Christian, a few moments after taking it, I felt so guilty and I knew it was because I wasn’t truly a Christian. I tried praying for forgiveness but I didn’t feel a “difference” in my guilt. I remembered the scripture “If you love me, you’d keep my commandments”. And I quickly thought “Well I want to love the Lord and keep His commandments”. And another part of scripture popped into my head, “And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.” So I told guys that I can’t see them anymore and cut off sleeping with them. A few days later, I was in a dressing room in the mall and I kept feeling guilty and like someone was following me. So I specifically started saying “God please help me”. But I remembered that The Father doesn’t hear prayers of sinners but Jesus does. Then I said loud enough while still being in a dressing room “Jesus, I know you cast out demons. Idk if there’s one in me, around me, I don’t know, I don’t understand. Please, whatever it is, take it away. I want to do your will. Please, just use me as a vessel to further your kingdom. Please Jesus.” I wasn’t looking for a “sign” per se but I wanted God to save me. A moment or two later, my eyes sort of flicked and I felt like I was welcomed into the kingdom of Heaven. I read on a few months later that, that was God removing my veil because of the scripture saying (paraphrasing) that when someone turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. My mom told me (Christian longer than I’ve been alive).
From then on, I felt a slight “peace”. But my anxiety, as you’ve seen, gets the best of me. Then some time later, I was laying in bed one morning praying and I mentioned to you before that my mouth started moving like Jesus was speaking to me. Then the enemy would tempt me with lies like when I cried out to Jesus, I was actually praying to the devil or that Jesus handed me over, even though the Spirit led me to call out to Him. This is because I know bits and pieces of Revelations and knew that the devil will deceive people as a false Christ but I didn’t know how it would happen. The only time anyone can call out to Jesus is if the Father’s Spirit sends him. And I figured for me to call out to Jesus, I was being led by God, like effectual calling. One morning, I was laying in bed and my mouth started mouthing because I thought Jesus was trying to talk me. And my mom said “Ashley, be careful because the devil dresses as an angel of light”. And at first I wanted to reject what she said but then I realized that she was probably right. From that day, I had in the back of my mind that what if Jesus rejected me? But I kept trying to fight with scripture thinking “For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved”. And “Whoever comes to me I will by no means cast away.” But there’s biblical evidences that would say I’m a Christian. Only God could make someone want to do the will of God. I don’t want to sin, I don’t want to lie, I don’t want to fornicate, I don’t want to view pornography (knowing that the last two were my idols previously). If giving up sin means I can have Jesus, thats what I want. I’ve begged Jesus for grace and mercy and to live my life His way. But there are occurrences that don’t seem normal. My mom wants to convince me it’s anxiety and that I could be being deceived . My body will move uncontrollably at times. My tongue will swirl in my mouth and graze my teeth, my head bobs at times, my mouth moves. It’s not voluntary but idk if it’s in my head or not. I hear things, I hear things while I’m trying to fall asleep, I see things while trying to fall asleep. The enemy put thoughts of cursing God in my head and I immediately confess that it comes to my mind but I dont want to say it. Not out of anger but I “hear it”, if that makes sense. Recently I started mouthing “Let them be your judges” in reference to the unpardonable sin. But my mom reminded me “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify is from all unrighteousness.” There was a time I was reading somewhere in the New Testament about a wedding feast and that there were people trying to sneak into the feast with no garments. And I saw myself as the one with no garments and I got anxious and closed my bible. I figured I was interpreting wrong or something but I got anxious anyway. I woke up at 2am or so and started moving weird so I ran to my moms room and my parents and I started praying. My mom tried laying me in bed and I felt like someone was tying me up. I don’t know if Christians hallucinate or have immense anxiety but, I could really use some serious advice. Another thing is I WANT biblical counseling and I want criticism. I apologize for texting you so early but my anxiety gets very bad. I feel very sad at the moment and I’m not sure what to do.
Another thing is, I am scared that I have the mark of the best. My body moves uncontrollably at times, I make weird gestures with my hands, and I hear, see, and feel so many things.
Another thing is I’m scared I committed apostasy. I was only away from church for 1.5 years but part of it was moving and not being sure what to do with myself in a different state (I moved from ny to Tennessee). When I was having issues March 2018, I sought advice from my mom and pastors back home since I was having issues with my husband. Once I moved back to NY, I went back to church the very next Sunday but again, I was living in sin while going to church. Then that’s when the panic attack (Sept 2018) with drugs caught up with me.
I keep crying out for salvation in Jesus and that whoever goes to him, he won’t cast away but the devil keeps making me think I’m worshipping him.
Please help me..
September 11, 2018, I was smoking and had a trip so bad that I woke up my parents and they cried. I was hallucinating that I was being sentenced to hell but it felt so real. From that day on, I have had high anxiety. I realized again my need to be saved and I desire the things of God and I want to live in obedience now.
Since my “salvation” in Oct 2018, I have been having strange things going on. The day before my panic attack in Sept 2018, I felt “comfortable” in my sin. The day after I did drugs and had the huge panic attack, I kept saying it felt like I was possessed. From September until October, I kept feeling scared and like someone was following me. There was a day where I was with a male at his house and multiple times, I felt guilty and uncomfortable because it felt wrong. I felt like something evil was taunting me but I didn’t know why and I didn’t feel comfortable seeing guys anymore at one point. When I took communion before being a Christian, a few moments after taking it, I felt so guilty and I knew it was because I wasn’t truly a Christian. I tried praying for forgiveness but I didn’t feel a “difference” in my guilt. I remembered the scripture “If you love me, you’d keep my commandments”. And I quickly thought “Well I want to love the Lord and keep His commandments”. And another part of scripture popped into my head, “And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.” So I told guys that I can’t see them anymore and cut off sleeping with them. A few days later, I was in a dressing room in the mall and I kept feeling guilty and like someone was following me. So I specifically started saying “God please help me”. But I remembered that The Father doesn’t hear prayers of sinners but Jesus does. Then I said loud enough while still being in a dressing room “Jesus, I know you cast out demons. Idk if there’s one in me, around me, I don’t know, I don’t understand. Please, whatever it is, take it away. I want to do your will. Please, just use me as a vessel to further your kingdom. Please Jesus.” I wasn’t looking for a “sign” per se but I wanted God to save me. A moment or two later, my eyes sort of flicked and I felt like I was welcomed into the kingdom of Heaven. I read on a few months later that, that was God removing my veil because of the scripture saying (paraphrasing) that when someone turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. My mom told me (Christian longer than I’ve been alive).
From then on, I felt a slight “peace”. But my anxiety, as you’ve seen, gets the best of me. Then some time later, I was laying in bed one morning praying and I mentioned to you before that my mouth started moving like Jesus was speaking to me. Then the enemy would tempt me with lies like when I cried out to Jesus, I was actually praying to the devil or that Jesus handed me over, even though the Spirit led me to call out to Him. This is because I know bits and pieces of Revelations and knew that the devil will deceive people as a false Christ but I didn’t know how it would happen. The only time anyone can call out to Jesus is if the Father’s Spirit sends him. And I figured for me to call out to Jesus, I was being led by God, like effectual calling. One morning, I was laying in bed and my mouth started mouthing because I thought Jesus was trying to talk me. And my mom said “Ashley, be careful because the devil dresses as an angel of light”. And at first I wanted to reject what she said but then I realized that she was probably right. From that day, I had in the back of my mind that what if Jesus rejected me? But I kept trying to fight with scripture thinking “For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved”. And “Whoever comes to me I will by no means cast away.” But there’s biblical evidences that would say I’m a Christian. Only God could make someone want to do the will of God. I don’t want to sin, I don’t want to lie, I don’t want to fornicate, I don’t want to view pornography (knowing that the last two were my idols previously). If giving up sin means I can have Jesus, thats what I want. I’ve begged Jesus for grace and mercy and to live my life His way. But there are occurrences that don’t seem normal. My mom wants to convince me it’s anxiety and that I could be being deceived . My body will move uncontrollably at times. My tongue will swirl in my mouth and graze my teeth, my head bobs at times, my mouth moves. It’s not voluntary but idk if it’s in my head or not. I hear things, I hear things while I’m trying to fall asleep, I see things while trying to fall asleep. The enemy put thoughts of cursing God in my head and I immediately confess that it comes to my mind but I dont want to say it. Not out of anger but I “hear it”, if that makes sense. Recently I started mouthing “Let them be your judges” in reference to the unpardonable sin. But my mom reminded me “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify is from all unrighteousness.” There was a time I was reading somewhere in the New Testament about a wedding feast and that there were people trying to sneak into the feast with no garments. And I saw myself as the one with no garments and I got anxious and closed my bible. I figured I was interpreting wrong or something but I got anxious anyway. I woke up at 2am or so and started moving weird so I ran to my moms room and my parents and I started praying. My mom tried laying me in bed and I felt like someone was tying me up. I don’t know if Christians hallucinate or have immense anxiety but, I could really use some serious advice. Another thing is I WANT biblical counseling and I want criticism. I apologize for texting you so early but my anxiety gets very bad. I feel very sad at the moment and I’m not sure what to do.
Another thing is, I am scared that I have the mark of the best. My body moves uncontrollably at times, I make weird gestures with my hands, and I hear, see, and feel so many things.
Another thing is I’m scared I committed apostasy. I was only away from church for 1.5 years but part of it was moving and not being sure what to do with myself in a different state (I moved from ny to Tennessee). When I was having issues March 2018, I sought advice from my mom and pastors back home since I was having issues with my husband. Once I moved back to NY, I went back to church the very next Sunday but again, I was living in sin while going to church. Then that’s when the panic attack (Sept 2018) with drugs caught up with me.
I keep crying out for salvation in Jesus and that whoever goes to him, he won’t cast away but the devil keeps making me think I’m worshipping him.
Please help me..
