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Trying My Hardest To Fall Out Of Love With A Married Man

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by whoami, Sep 6, 2012.

  1. whoami

    whoami New Member

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    I never thought that this would happen to me, but I did. I fell in love with a man that is married and now I don't know what to do with myself.
    I am not his mistress and we've never had an affair, we're both God-Fearing Christians and neither one of us would let it get physical, but it is emotional. Our friendship was platonic in the beginning, but as we got to know each other, it became more serious. He shared details about his relationship with me; that the relationship wasn't a good one and that his wife had cheated on him several times with different men. They've tried many times to reconcile the relationship, but it never seems to work. I've also encourage him to stick in there and try to make it work for the sake of his family and God, but I know deep down he wants to get a divorce. I love him and I know he loves me, but it's so difficult because I know that we cannot be together. We try to avoid each other and not talk, but I see him once a week because of work. We talk about how much we want to be with each other, get married, and have children together, but it kills me everytime I think that it will probably never happen....To make a long story short, I would love for him to work out his marriage and for us not to feel the way we do about each other, but it is extremely difficult and I ask the Lord for forgiveness and that he will work out the situation.

    I really need some Godly advice, preferably from someone who has been in this situation or something like it. Or even from someone who can empathize with us. I'm very hurt and it's very hard for me to love someone that is totally off limits and that my thoughts and feelings for him are offensive to God.
    #1
  2. chrisstavrous

    chrisstavrous Active Member

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    If his wife has really commited adultery then she has broken the marriage. He can forgive her but that wont restore the marriage. He is free to marry again.

    You my dear are lucky

    as for God continue to do what he says for what else can you do.
    #2
  3. chrisstavrous

    chrisstavrous Active Member

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    Ill add, you sound like you are trying to do the right thing by Jesus, so continue doing this, and let Jesus lead you towards a solution. As for your feelings and your desires, such things happen. learn to resist them and be patient. It may be that your friend may see he is free and decide to marry you. But do everything Jesus knows you can do and it will be fine.
    #3
  4. Rumely

    Rumely Senior Moderator Staff Member

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    It would be interesting to have a private interview with his wife, and see what she thinks about their relationship. We might gain some insight into his contribution to their marital difficulties, which might in turn take some of the luster away from the thought of a future with him. Just a thought, and none of my business since neither of them are here, but you only have his side of the story.

    First, you need to stop feeding the fantasy by talking with him about his relationship with his wife and about your mutual hopes and dreams for a future together. It distracts him from working on his marriage and it only makes you heartsick. Even if he did divorce her and (depending on one's views of divorce and remarriage) became "available", there will still be vestiges of his current marriage in any future you have together, especially if they have children. Plus, the current nature of your relationship will make it difficult for him to get himself "sorted" emotionally and spiritually if he does divorce.

    If possible, it would be best to avoid talking to him at all. If the nature of your work makes it impossible to avoid him altogether, then you need to keep the conversation strictly professional.

    One last thought: you may be missing out on what God wants for your future by fixating on what you want for your future.
    #4
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  5. calvin

    calvin Well-Known Member

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    I would like to add, that I think this man is playing you. I ask myself, why might I confide in a woman about any problems I might have in my marriage? There is only one answer......'give me what I'm missing'. If my wife cheated on me, that would be that! If I cheated on my wife, that would be that!
    As for remaining platonic till he divorces, keep it that way forever.
    Why? His problems and his wife will always be a part of who you two as a couple are. It is his marital troubles that have fed your relationship, else you would not be posting as you have. Since this man has served you up a bowl of 'see how bad my marriage is', either you can eat from it at your peril, or leave it on the table to get cold.
    Without either condoning or endorsing divorce/remarriage, some basic principles to think about: If a divorce is to happen, let it happen without the arms of another waiting. In other words, divorce because there is no alternative and if at some later time after psychological/emotional healing has had time to happen a new prospective spouse happens along then explore that with an unencumbered heart. To jump out of one marriage bed (no matter how cold it is) into another is bad medicine....don't do it......don't allow him to do it.
    You posted: "I am not his mistress and we've never had an affair, we're both God-Fearing Christians and neither one of us would let it get physical, but it is emotional." speaking as a man, I find it incredible that he would have purity of motive here. I can't speak from a woman's perspective, but not put too fine a point on it, a man who loads his marriage woes onto a single woman (you are single?), wants from her, the comforts missing from his marriage or maybe second helpings.

    Something else to consider here...in being an emotional cushion for him, you are complicit in the continuance of his marriage strife. You are not his/their marriage counselor, you are providing a pull away from his wife. Is that what you want for you both?
    I have had the questionable benefit of a cheating wife. We also had a good female friend who was single, and I think from a chance comment she made years later, she would have been available had I wanted to go down that road. The advice I have offered, is the advice I gave myself. When my wife defiled our marriage, I needed to heal and then make fresh start, not import some of the past into a new life.
    Hope this helps.
    #5
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  6. whoami

    whoami New Member

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    Thank you all for the sound advice...I do appreciate it

    We fell for each other about a year ago and we have kept our distance, we've gone months without talking or even seeing each other for the reasons that you all have listed above. I have told him that I didn't want to cloud his judgment and that if he does get a divorce, I don't want to be the reason or the cause and we both have agreed on that. We've also agreed that if he does get a divorce he would need time to heal before anything can happen between us. I have also told him that I would prefer for us to just be friends and get to know each other under less tense circumstances in order to see if are feelings are genuine and not just a product of the situation of his marriage.

    I even thought that I didn't have any more feelings for him and that they went away, but then out of no where I started having dreams about him. I had a dream about us kissing and one about us planning to have a child. Up until 3 weeks ago, it had been 4 months since I last seen or spoke with him. Those dreams didn't help any, because the morning after I had that second dream I realized that I loved him.

    In regards to him playing me, I can genuinely say he is not....

    And they do have small children, and that is what has made the situation more difficult.

    As the wife, she's defiled the marriage several times with different men.

    I really just want these feelings to go away, I wish I had never gotten myself in this situation, but nonetheless it happened.

    I'm having difficulty moving on, we've come to the conclusion to not talk at all, but as soon as I lay eyes on him. I just want to hug and kiss him.
    #6
  7. Jeff

    Jeff Webmaster Staff Member Supporter

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    You can never know what goes on in a man's mind. Even if he is genuine, best thing you can do for him and for yourself is to avoid him completely. These feelings will stay as long as you keep feeding your fantasies. :)
    #7
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  8. joshhuntnm

    joshhuntnm Active Member

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    I'd bet my right arm if you pursue this relationship you will come to regret it. the feelings will pass if you don't feed them.
    #8
  9. whoami

    whoami New Member

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  10. whoami

    whoami New Member

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  11. Mercedes Benz E Class

    Mercedes Benz E Class Active Member

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    Hope by now you have let go.

    He is playing you trust. And the only way to find out the truth is through his wife.

    It will get messy if you try so rather leave them to sort their issues out.

    FYI he STILL is married (even though wife committed adultery he CHOSE to stay - married).

    plenty of fish in the sea
    #11
  12. Terri A. Constant

    Terri A. Constant New Member

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    Regardless of how the both of you feel for each other, YOU need to break it off and exhort him to into an accountability partnership with some men in his church, if not the Pastor and you need to totally step away from the friendship/relationship and leave him alone. As long as the two of you are "friends", I believe in the eyes of God, you are the "other woman", even though nothing physical has happened. For your sake, move on and find someone who is not married.
    #12
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  13. th1bill

    th1bill Well-Known Member

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    I'm going to be completely honest here and honesty can, really, sting. I am a little over three months short of 69 years old and before I was saved in 1990 I had three wives... they all left me, so you know I must be sweet, right? [facetious] I was indwelt with the Holy Spirit as I rang the New Year in for a bar full of drunks with the old traditional melody.

    Now you know that I come from the position of, just, one more, forgiven sinner. When I was saved, I was not looking for another wife but God saw to it that I was in love with a beautiful, the most beautiful, woman, ever to put her palm on the crook of my arm.

    Problem: All the trash from my first marriage was bull-dozed into my second, the trash from the first and the second, into the third and even though God forgave me my stupidity and inability to get those ladies to sit down and to work through the affairs they had each conducted, against our marriages, all that baggage, trash, was bulldozed into the only God Ordained Marriage I ever was involved in.

    Before I discuss the God issue, you need to know if you are ready to try to live your life with a man that has, already, sworn, in front of God, to hold, sacred, the contract he entered into with his first wife. A second divorce is much easier than the first, ask my or anybody else's exes, they almost never stop with just one divorce. (You will never, I pray, know the pain of being thrown into the trash and left there.)

    Now, God: God has not chosen this man for you and yet you have sworn to follow Him! Not the man, God.

    I married my Childhood Sweetheart, the first time and after 6 days, she left. She never would discuss it with me but I know why. I, better than fifty years later, sometimes wake my wife screaming orders for her to get in the .... hole before they kill her, among other "wonderful" memories I carry. I was two weeks out of the Combat Zone when she walked out on me. Couple that with the fact that she gave birth, one month, before my return and it did not affect her shame that I wanted to adopt the little girl so that she should never know that I was not her dad.

    The other two? I pulled two more tours of combat and, who knows, how many more nightmares of real events and then the first was always trying to increase her portion of my income for ?my? sins.

    You will, if you ignore God, be purchasing this sort of misery for yourself, on a daily course. Don't do it... wait for God to fill your life, it is so much better!
    #13
  14. Mercedes Benz E Class

    Mercedes Benz E Class Active Member

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    Profound
    #14
  15. th1bill

    th1bill Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for the flowers but it is, really, just life experience that none, following the Saviour, need experience. This youngster is suffering from the torture all of us older saints have endured with her harmones and is in need of our prayerful support.
    #15
  16. Mercedes Benz E Class

    Mercedes Benz E Class Active Member

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    The unfortunate (or fortunate thing is - whichever way you choose to look at it) is we have the gift of free will.

    I also try to save people from heartache by telling them to make the right choices, but I guess our responsibility is
    just to tell it as it is - the rest is not on our plates.

    That's all we can do Bill.
    #16
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  17. th1bill

    th1bill Well-Known Member

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    Amen! My Computer and the time I spent in the Prison Ministry have been very blessed by Jesus but I, and you, are just the wrench and the hammer He uses.
    #17
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  18. Banarenth

    Banarenth Sr Mod/Webmaster Staff Member

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    Proverbs warns us to Guard our hearts, for out of our heart, all things flow. The question is, how important is this to you? Do you desire him more than you desire God? If so, then it wouldn't matter if he was married or not, too much ground has been given. However, he is married. Perhaps he has a claim to the treatment he gets from his wife, but that's between him and his wife. You should never have been brought into their marriage. He is still married despite his complaints, and he has chosen to remain in that relationship. THAT is the end of it. It's hard for you to see him mistreated, but that's the reason that God is so serious about marriage. He doesn't want us to suffer. If sin is truly detestable, and marriage is sacred, then NOTHING is worth sacrificing the blessings that God has for us. NOTHING. Not our jobs, not our homes, not our temporary happiness, not our broken hearts. Joseph held to this so tightly that he fled when his Egyptian master's wife tempted him, and it caused him to spend time in the dungeon with no genuine hope of release. God blessed him for that decision.
    #18
  19. Mercedes Benz E Class

    Mercedes Benz E Class Active Member

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    I actually had a dream early this morning. In my dream I was at my Pastor's house during prayer. I believe I was fasting and they were praying for me. We were battling the enemy through tongues and prayer and pleading the blood (it was a heavy atmosphere - the enemy). But I was the one interceding the most, because I think it was actually my battle. Later on it all subsided and I vomited (excuse me for this) as a sign of clearance/deliverance.

    My point?

    Is it worth it sinning knowing the process you have to go through for restoration?

    Because trust me there will be a price to pay for all this.
    #19
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