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Trust issue, what should I do?

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Malissa, Mar 24, 2008.

  1. Trust issue, what should I do?

    Before I met my fiance, I dated several men who weren't Christian and obviously didn't allow the Lord into our relationship which I know is the main reason as to why those relationships ended.

    One distinct factor in every single one of those relationships that I had to deal with was that the man I was dating would look at porn--something that I absolutely can not stand and just don't understand the desire for anyone to even consider having a gander at such awful things. I didn't trust any of them and I knew that the lack of trust was God telling me that it shouldn't go through any more. So obviously, they all ended.

    Well, being with my fiance for well over a year now and having known him for four years now, I know he is a strong faithful Christian. He is actually the one person that brought the Lord back into my life and turned my ways around when I used to drink and stay out too late. Having the Lord as our foundation has really helped us to understand each other and to grow with love for each other even more than what we started with.

    However, a little over a month ago as I was using the internet on my fiance's computer, I came across some extremely distasteful websites that may or may not have been looked at. I wasn't sure. But it devastated me. I trusted my fiance with all my heart but now those same trust issues I had with my past relationships all came back in the same way. I tried to deal with it myself for a few days but I finally had to ask him about it. I asked him if he had ever looked at porn and he admitted to it. It just made me more upset. It changed my entire view of him in an instant... I thought it was something he had never done.

    At that point I wasn't sure what to do. With the direction that God had been leading me in my life, I was sure that he was the person I am to wed, but what about this situation that just happened?

    After continuous talks with my fiance about the issue, he has told me that he used to look at it, but that since we have been together, he hasn't.

    But because I found those websites on his computer, I still have an extreme lack of trust and am just not sure if he's telling me the truth. We've had some nasty arguments over this issue since it happened. But the past few weeks I have avoided bringing it up and I have been trying my best to pray to God and asking him to help me forgive him or forget it, or for me to find the truth.

    But even since I've been praying I'm just failing to see the clear picture right now. I'll be fine and realize that everything is okay one day and then another day I'll feel like maybe he really isn't telling the truth. My fiance knows that I'm struggling with this, and he has assured me several times that he hasn't looked at it, but there are hints that are telling me that I shouldn't believe him.

    I'm just not sure if me not being able to trust my fiance anymore has something to do with me not forgiving myself of past situations, or if there is something more that God is telling me?

    Either way, what should I do? :(
  2. We have all stumbled at one time or another and in one way or another. Sit down and talk to your guy. You guys need to come to an understanding now if you are to have any future together.
  3. Malissa:

    Porn is a powerful addiction. What you are feeling are valid feelings. Have you considered approaching your Pastor? I would also suggest that you prayerfully consider taking this to God in prayer. Is it possible that this is something you are attracting due to a "sin" in your past ?

    I have had to deal with sensitive issues in my past ... a Pastor helped and several Christian Ministries too.

    Jesus Love,
  4. Well.......
    porn is not a good thing.
    It's wrong.
    At the same time, the man is human.
    He doesn't run around behind your back with other women, right?

    Here is the way I see it.
    It is an addiction or an illness.

    Do you love him, otherwise?

    Would you be as devastated if you found out he was addicted to cigarettes or weed?

    I am not belittling porn in the least, but from talking to other women, one problem they have is that they feel inferior to the women that are being portrayed.

    Talk to him and take it to God in prayer.
    If that doesn't work, take a hammer to his pc.
    I'm only kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Only God can change a man's heart.

    Be there for this man if you love him and talk with him.
    Tell him it hurts you and that you want honesty.
    If you get angry he will only be fearful of telling you the truth....

    Ask him to seek help~

  5. It makes me feel as though I'm not good enough for him and that I don't measure up to a simple photo of a girl that he doesn't even know.

    I've read that looking onto a woman for lust, as a man would for porn, is committing adultry in his heart. I don't know exactly how it is for other women with the same problem, but to me, it's the same as him running around with other women behind my back. I've told him these things but I still feel the same way.

  6. I'm thinking that my distrust in him is due to my inability to trust anyone else I ever dated. I've honestly never dated anyone that I didn't have to deal with this same situation with... except now I'm engaged to the man.
  7. But that is more than likely the farthest thing from the truth. And it certainly is not the same thing as cheating on you. In truth society today bombards and over stimulates some basic and core parts of a mans mentality and physiology. Such addictions are common and can be quite difficult to shake.
    If he found something that was a problem with you would you want him to reject you or question your love? Or would you want understanding , support and help in overcoming your struggles?
  8. Pray.........
    Ask him to seek help

    The above steps are important that violet shared.

    One thing I share is that men and women are wired differently ... hence satan attacks each differently as we are vunerable in different areas. Men are very visual and women are emotional and it is easy for us to get stuck in these vulnerable areas.

    Pray for God's Holy Spirit to heal and protect your emotional heart, Malessa.

    "Heavenly Father I lift up to you Malessa .. she is bruised, but not broken...reach deep into her heart and touch her with your healing touch. May Malessa feel the arms of Jesus wrap around her and tell her that she is His Precious Child. Holy Spirit direct her steps and bring into her life a Christian woman who can be her mentor ... one who can cry with her as well as rejoice in Jesus. I pray this all in the precious name of Jesus. Amen."
  9. That's a really good point that you made in those last sentences.

    It's already helped me to hear what you all have said about this. Just to know that I don't have to feel so alone with it really really makes a difference.

    Thank you so much I really appreciate you, and everyone else here, and the advice I've been given. I'm moreso still at a state of shock than I am of fear that our relationship will crumble. I will keep praying about it. Everything takes time, it's just the matter of how much time. thank you for your prayers as well.
  10. If I could help in a small way I am pleased. We all need love and understanding. Loving someone often means we are willing to stand with them trough many a battle and they with us.
    Think back on your life, surrender all your pain to Jesus one area at at time as they come to your mind. Every time you think of someone hurting or wounding you do this:
    Lord Jesus I surrender _____ into your hands, I know that if they had been full of Your life and love they could not have acted that way. They are in bondage to the God of this world and need Your help, please help me to see them through Your eyes. I choose now to forgive that person and I receive Your healing in that area of my life. Thank You for healing me and I pray You send the blessing of salvation to that person.
    If you take the time to do this in every area of your life you will find yourself freer and full of more joy than you can imagine. Every time we hold unforgivness in our hearts it is like adding a weight on our own backs. Over time these accumulate and weigh us down, it is indeed time to get free.
    I pray God,s blessings on you and your fiancee.
    Many blessings in Jesus Name, your brother Larry.
  11. Had a long response, but I'll be back with it because I got a friend on MSN that I think is crying out for help, but won't admit it so far.

    Sorry Mallisa I'll be back though.
  12. in the uk there on about banning cigs,because they are bad for your health,i think people should be made aware porn is deadly.this is a covered place,truely sick society.i think you need to keep your man straight.
  13. I think the guy deserves to be forgiven. As long as he is sorry and asked God for forgivess, he was forgiven by God, and should be forgiven by you as well, for you made mistakes as well (I saw your other topic) but are now clean. You don't have any idea in the world (and never will) how much temptation a guy is enountered with to look at females in a lustful way. It doesn't even feel wrong at times. I have looked at porn. Several other christians I know have looked at porn evena few on this site have been open about it. It's too easy to do and doesn't take much more than a wandering mind to start getting curious about it. It is hard to keep God on your mind and be doing right ALL the time. Even a girl in short shorts at the gym is almost impossible to ignore. Being the great guy that you say he is, he competely deserves every benefit of the doubt that he has stopped and is not betraying you.

    Just ask yourself, what do his intentions read? Is he a humble, broken, faithful guy who wants to be forgiven for what he has done? I might be wrong, but judging by how strong of an individual you have become lately, and what you have said about him, I bet he is a great guy that has every intention to try his best to make it all about God, and your guys' pure relationship.

    I'm glad you came on here and asked for advice. Many times people make the mistake of not getting advice and letting problems go untreated. It's very healthy. So keep in touch, and good luck. I'll be praying. :groupray:
  14. I used to do it. Jesus showed me so much now that I see how bad it is, but before Jesus, you must believe me here everyone, porn can seam as natural as can be and as though there's nothing wrong with it. I'm not saying he's there, it certainly doesn't sound like he is.

    You've made mistakes. This is one of HIS. Different from yours maybe, but it's all the same.

    As for you,

    Jesus wouldn't snoop. Don't snoop.

    Jesus would forgive him err' time. Forgive him.

    Jesus would only talk to him out of love and say what is in his best interest. Not just what he wants to hear. Do so.

    You are NOT not enough for him nor do you fall short of other woman in any way. Beauty does not love. Beauty can cause one to invite demons into their life. Beauty, like money isn't bad, but it's the love of it that's a mistake.

    He who lusts after a woman has already commited adultary in his heart. This is in the bible. You said he's a faithful Christian. Then the truth spoken from a loving heart will hit him hard and set him straight. The first sentence is THE WORD OF GOD. Tell him if he believes in God he HAS to impliment that truth. Tell him it's not just for you, it's more for him than it is for you. It's HIS salvation. You being saved does not rely on him, it's HIS salvation. Not that it doesn't hurt you too.

    Tell him you two in marriage are one and must stay on that narrow path, or demons will find their way into your marriage.
    When I did look at porn I would NEVER have cheated on my gf. (Never had one anyways :( ) I'm sure he's the same way. But now I see how the two are connected. He needs to see this, and forever expand his understanding.

    Malissa. Every bit of pain you have ever been put through because of sexual sin stems from lust. The same thing that your man is giving into. Ask God to give you the wisdom to show him how serious that is. Ask, believe, act in faith, and you WILL recieve.

    Love your bro,

  15. Thank you all I really do appreciate all the help you have given me not just in this subject but through so many other things that I have been going through. You have all made some really good points and help me to see the situation much better. I know after just being able to let it out and what has been on my mind helped me but all of your feedback and advice has helped me even more and I know I will continue to feel much better about this. :)
  16. there are accountability programs that record your internet activities and send them to someone else. Something like that might be what both of you need; rather than arguing about it.

    You need it to learn to trust... and it would give you greater confidence that he is not looking at it.

    He may need it because porn is something that never goes away and the temptation is always so close.

    I also would caution you not to take too much stock in porn. I, when I was an atheist, was an avid porn enthusiast. Yes, God has cleansed my heart and mind, but I am still susceptible and have a propensity for it. Most men do. However, men like me and your soon-to-be, if we are tempted or fall, is not because we do not love you, recognize your beauty, or know you are more than good enough for us. It is merely a weakness.

    men notice. it's not something we can change.
  17. my fiance's name is Melissa. :)
  18. I like Violet's idea...

    Talk to him in love, you are a great catch, I'm sure he would choose you over a bad addiction. If he doesn't, there's always the hammer...
  19. If you don't feel like trusting, then sure, why not? Why not just stop using passwords altogether?
  20. so being accountable means being untrusting?

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