trouble letting go Hey everyone! First, I just want to thank God that something like this exists, where I can ask for advice somewhat anonymously for issues that I might be struggling with in private. Sorry if what I write is long. But I would deeply appreciate it if people read it and responded because I've been emotionally troubled for the past month. ------------------------------- I just finished my first year in college. At the beginning, I attended a Christian fellowship of approximately 50 people for a short time but was discouraged and left because I felt lonely there. But I returned a few months later because I lacked a Christian family at school, and I missed having one. I still felt lonely at the meetings when I returned, but there was one senior guy (we'll call him CW) who always talked to me and always made an effort to not let me feel alone or ignored. Over the next several weeks, CW continued to reach out to me, and I appreciated him so much. Eventually, I attended his church where he still continued to sit next to me and pay a lot of attention to me. I made new friends along the way as well, but CW was very special. He was already my older brother in Christ, but he also became an older brother like he was in my literal family. Toward the end of the year, my fellowship hosted a banquet to honor/bless the seniors before they graduate from college. At the end of the night, each senior chose a non-senior and washed their feet like Jesus did to His disciples. CW chose me, and I felt so blessed and honored. I cried later that night before bed because it suddenly hit me that CW would be leaving soon. And I couldn't stop crying for dozens of days after that. I confessed to CW a week later that I was afraid that next year would be a struggle for me because he won't be there anymore. And I was afraid that my life would have a void since he had become my older brother. At this point, I was starting on a letter to present to CW the week before he graduated since I knew I would be unable to attend his graduation. After that, CW and I began to hang out a lot. He took me places around town to hang out with me, and I enjoyed every moment. My favorite moment with CW was when he pulled me aside during one of our fellowship meetings and asked if he could pray for me. We talked first, and I told CW information that only my best of friends know. Although CW made me happy, I always cried after hanging out with him because I knew that our time together would be short. But things became awkward, and I felt more lonely again. I experienced thoughts of nostalgia, joy, and anxiety over CW. I'll never forget him, and I'm thankful to God that he put CW in my life, but I'm also afraid of the next years of not having CW closeby. Then I began to also worry that CW only treated me like an obligation since he was the leader of the men's ministry in our fellowship. So I began distancing myself from him and often feeling angry toward him. But I was always too embarrassed to tell him about these new emotions. I prayed to God and sought His Word for help. I knew God wanted me to not feel attached to CW. I knew God wanted me to learn from CW and show love to someone like CW did to me. And I knew God was jealous because I had begun to love CW more than I loved God although I always knew that God was the one who gave me CW. A week had passed of not speaking to CW, and the week of final exams arrived. I cried the two weeks. I actually was able to see CW more often because we studied in the same places on our campus. I felt like I had not seen CW for months, yet I could not bring myself to reconcile with him. I felt estranged and I didn't want to talk to him sometimes. Eventually, we were able to talk as if my previous anxieties never happened. But those moments were short. It came time to say goodbye to CW, and I handed him the card I had written two weeks beforehand. Two weeks before was when I felt that our relationship was at its highest point, and I remember doubting if what I wrote in the card was still true. When I said goodbye to CW, I asked if I could write him letters. He said yes, and he said that he would send me his address over e-mail. Our moment of goodbye was quick and not as dramatic as I would've imagined, but I was excited to be able to write to him while he's gone. But he never sent me his home address, and it's been two weeks since I asked for it. I feel like CW has forgotten me, and that I indeed was only an obligation for him. I would also hope that if he read my card, then he would, ideally, call me and thank me because I spent so much time writing it, but he has not called me. Today, I regret writing the card because I thought it would encourage him, but he hasn't talked to me since the day I handed it to him. Today, I am bitter because at one point, I wanted to become like CW because he was my role model. Now, I don't want to be like him because I feel like he never felt close to me in the first place while I always thought that I was close to him. I want to give up on CW and stop worrying about our friendship because CW is far away now and he cannot be with me when I want him to be. So I just have to let him go. I know I have to. But I have this obsessive, unrelenting hope that he still cares about me. I refuse to think that I was a burden, and I refuse to think that CW has little care for me that he has already forgotten about me. Can anyone help me? Maybe show me some Bible verses that will comfort me. I just have a difficult time letting CW go, and I'm a very nostalgic person. CW is a person I won't ever forget and I know I must move on, but part of me wants him to be with me at all times. And it's tearing me apart and making me cry all the time. Thanks, eric landers p.s. if anything doesn't make sense, please ask because I know this is a long entry and I may have forgotten specific details.