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Tricky friendship situation

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by jmilly, Nov 9, 2014.

  1. Hi all, first of all thanks for all the great answers to my previous posts and thanks in advance to the very wise advice I am sure to get for this question: If you think I am in the wrong, and I'm sure I am on some level - I haven't been exactly very loving about this, feel free to say so. Just be honest.

    I have a good friend I have known for about 15 years. It has been long distance since we now live in different cities. Last time I was in her city and I was very upset with the experience. I show up and her apartment is a pigsty, and I help her out by doing her dishes for her, but during my visit a female coworker was dropping by to hang out, and she cleaned the apartment before that friend showed up. She also flatulated loudly while I was there and laughed it off. I suggested she go into the bathroom for that. I know that doesn't make her a bad person, but it was just too "comfortable" for me. It also smelled bad. I had told her in advance when I was to meet up with people and when I was there she caused me to reschedule and be incredibly late. And I don't drink a lot - I did during my college days but those days are long gone. She's the type who wants to "pre-game" and then go party all night and be hung over the next day. I'm just not into that. But I also feel like that behavior isn't where I want to be now that I am a christian and I can't put my finger on why. I am cool with having a drink but the idea of blowing tons of money on drinks, grinding on guys, and getting so wasted that you cannot remember what is going on, to me, that does not seem to be honoring God.
    To her credit, I wasn't always this way - I have come to know Christ only within a couple years. So years ago, i would've been down to do these things. Just not any more.

    Well recently she was visiting my area, and we discussed that she would come to my town and stay with me for 2 days, and she would fly out of my local airport, rather than the more distant one she flew in to. I told her I wanted to be at church and another thing on Sunday morning and I did not want to miss it. I also said maybe she can come and she said she'd like to. She also said she had some work to do so she couldn't even go meet up with some of her other friends who lived near by. I told her, everybody eats so if anything she could go to dinner with them but she insisted that she MUST work on and that we'd just do work most of the time and go to church. She first said she'd like to go running with me, but then said she didn't even have time for that. fair enough. However we discussed going to another city that was somewhat close - 2 hrs from me. I said ok.

    So when she came I was to drive to pick her up, from the city where she was at- an hour and a half from me, and we went to the other city. All of a sudden, now she wants to contact her friends, who apparently she had been in contact with the entire time, but had led me to believe she would only have time to work on her take-home work, and now we're meeting them for drinks and then dinner and going out clubbing. She also said maybe we can go out all night or at least super late. Well guess what, I didn't bring any going-out clothing. I only brought stuff based on what we talked about. I tried to reiterate that I didn't know how late I could go out as I needed to be back for church the next day. I tried to hint about it. I tried to throw out some reasonable alternatives and ways we could do fun things, hang out with these friends, and still get back to my town, so i can still attend my church service. But she was in a city 2 hours away from where I lived, set to fly out of my local airport the following night. Basically we had to stick together - I was responsible for getting her to the airport the next day. I felt some duty I guess. well I ended up BUYING a new outfit, at her insistence, and I got really crabby. At this point I was angry. I have to admit I wasn't good at hiding it. I told her that she is not the only person here, and that i was trying to be courteous to her by rearranging my schedule (I had taken care of a lot of things I normally would do on the weekends in order to accommodate her visit). Anyways so I bent and said I can miss my church activity, but I was clear that I wasn't pleased. But I also apologized that night for my being moody. we ended up going to drinks and dinner with her friends, and going out, where she kept trying to get me to take shots. I don't do shots because they make me sick, or ensure a hangover. I politely declined but she kept insisting. I kept saying no and maintained that. The thing about this that bothered me was that I think if somebody tells you NO thank you, you should respect that. Luckilly her friends were nice enough to let us crash at their place. Of course I didnt have any of the proper things for a sleep - over (no tooth paste, pajamas, makeup remover, etc) So the next day she complained that this club wasn't cool enough or something and complained about how hung over she was. She thought of another activity she wanted to do last minute, again I didn't have all the things with me and I said, how about after I drop my stuff off at the car. This time I was forceful. I said NO. And now she was angry at me. I asked her if everything was alright, and she said yes., she mumbled something under her breath about how I am being __ (??), and I asked her what she said because I honestly couldn't hear what she said. She crossed her arms in front of her and said nevermind. I said that if she is upset about something, please let me know. She kept saying no and told me that I need to relax. I again apologized if I was rude to her the previous day and explained to her that I was upset that we had all our plans changed around and I did not have with me any of the appropriate things for our plans. I packed according to what she had told me, none of which we ended up doing. I asked her a couple times during the weekend, what happened to the work she said she needed to do (in a loving way) and suddenly, when she was in the angry mood, she said, she's in a hurry to go back so she can now work on her assignment, and I even said there's no time for me to stop and get a coffee, even though i had to drive 2 hours after little sleep.
    Ok the other thing that bothered me was that she didn't offer a dime to me in parking (over $30) or gas money.

    Ok, so I feel like I'm leaving some stuff out, but I hope it makes sense. I am just very upset about this. What SHOULD i have done in this situation? What should I do going forward? How do i control my temper? What is gonna happen with this friendship??
  2. Are you a Christian? Single? 31? Female?

    If you say "yes" to the first: why in the world are you going 'clubbing' anyway? 31? Maybe time to 'put away childish things'?

    If you are coming here for Christian advice, it would be this: make Jesus Christ your primary #1 relationship. Get involved with people who are Bible believing Christians and fellowship with them-not with those 'in the world'.

    We "fellowship" only with other Christians-these are intimate relationships: friendships, spouses, etc....

    We "minister" to the lost; but we don't act like them; and if the 'lost' have no use for you, spend your energy elsewhere where souls might be saved.

    Sounds to me like you are easily being manipulated/ used. Time to move on from this friendship....

    1 Corinthians 13:11

    When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
    Via Cassian and jmilly say Amen and like this.
  3. Thanks. I know that I need to move on from this "friendship." I find it hard to just drop somebody. Our plans NEVER included any of this stuff....
    I guess i was looking for confirmation but ALSO - more looking for what to do in the particular situation when someone is being unreasonable? How do you act Christian-like in those situations. I am actually not 31. I'm still in my 20's. But I agree - I am really not into clubbing. That's why I had to purchase a new outfit. I guess because I did not plan to drink a lot (which I did not), it wouldn't be a big deal if I went into the club. And I don't believe it was. I dressed pretty modestly and wasn't doing anything inappropriate whatsoever.
    Anyways - back to the point of my question - how do you compromise (which is what i was TRYING to do), yet do so in a loving and Christian way, but also not get pushed around? How do you avoid snapping at somebody or getting angry with them where you are now the unreasonable one? How do you politely suggest to somebody maybe we should call it a night, when they insist on getting "wasted"? I didn't take a shot, and I didn't get drunk, but what do you SAY to somebody who does want to do all those things and thinks you're judging them when they insist on doing those things, even try to persuade you to "live a little"?
    and most importantly, what do you do when you're stuck between a rock and a hard place - for example in my situation, when you're responsible for driving someone to the airport 2 hours away, for someone who has proven they don't care about your plans or your priorities or keeping their word (she said she wanted to attend church with me)? When it's really too late to do anything about it. It was already very TENSE by that point. I tried to make her see things from my POV and said, that I changed my schedule around to try to be courteous to her and she said "good for you." She knew I would honor my word of driving her to the airport. Yet I get that kind of disrespect.
  4. Well if you allow yourself to be manipulated; and don't change (repent) of that behavior, it is not the fault of your friend- it is your failure for not standing up for what is right. Which is what Christ taught us to do. I am afraid you have grown up in a world where people can't say "No".

    No I am not going clubbing- I love my God too much for that.

    No I am not going to allow you to take advantage of me; I will love you-but won't be abused by you in that way.

    No I am not going to conform to the world because as a Child of God it grieves the Holy Spirit in me.

    Stand up for what is right; in the name of Jesus Christ-He can take it. Let the burden fall on His shoulders and your friends will have nothing that they can hate you for. Drinking or not; is the 'club' a place you would want to find your Pastor? I've been 'clubbing' back in my hay-day as young stupid soldier in Atlanta and overseas- I KNOW what goes on in clubs. Even if it's just the music aspect. Is that what you want filling your brain as a Christian?

    I think you have to take on some of the responsibility here; don't you? Don't place yourself in situations where you will encounter these problems.

    BTW: Christian friend or not-Christians still get angry at each other. I have had a few tense moments with my Pastor and some other members of the Church- we repent, confess, forgive and carry on in God's grace and love. We are still human here-you will always have to WORK on relationships with Christians and non-Christians alike....
    jmilly likes this.
  5. I am in the process of raising a daughter: our Pastor is very youth/ next generation driven. YOU ARE the next generation of Church leadership. Do you want to be lame and useless, with false or weak doctrine? Or do you seek to be used by Christ for the glory of the Kingdom of Heaven to come?

    Have you thought about being a 'Proverbs 31 Woman'?

    Proverbs 31
    1The words of king Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him.
    2 What, my son? and what, the son of my womb? and what, the son of my vows?
    3 Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings.
    4 It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink:
    5 Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted.
    6 Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.
    7 Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.
    8 Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction.
    9 Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.

    10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
    11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

    12 She will do him good and not evil ***all*** the days of her life.
    13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
    14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
    15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
    16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
    17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
    18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
    19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
    20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
    21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
    22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
    23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
    24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
    25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
    26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
    27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
    28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
    29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
    30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
    31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
    jmilly likes this.
  6. Thanks Brother Mike. I agree that yes I should take some responsibility for the situation. I absolutely do. That's why I came here for advice. i guess I just didn't know WHAT to do. I felt like I needed to take a stand but hadn't a clue of how to go about it. That's why I ended up being rude about it, and nonloving and had to be the one to apologize. I am a relatively new Christian, and this is one of the few instances in which I had potential conflicts with my newfound faith. I agree in my heart that those exact things you suggest - (i.e..."I love my God too much for that.") but it hadn't really occurred to me to say that. I guess my stressing my desire to attend church had been my way of saying where my priorities were. I'm still kicking myself for missing it.
    But I also feel that this particular situation had me with mixed emotions that interfered with my decisionmaking capabilities. I was very hurt that this friend would be so disrespectful and act this way. that situation where i visited her was the only other time it happened, and I had been hoping it was a fluke. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I was disappointed.

    sorry to ramble. Anyways, do you have any other advice of what to do when faced with another dilemma like this? Can you share any anecdotes from your own life? I think that would make your posts a little less cold.

  7. Yes, thanks. I love this! i may print it out as a reminder. I appreciate this, thanks. :)
  8. Well my Sister-sometimes we need a kick in the pants! Better to get it from the ones who love you-even if we only know each other through Christ.

    What I am encouraged by is that you seem to have a teachable spirit-pick up your Bible and apply it to your heart. If you are not serving in any kind of ministry-find one that appeals to your God given gifts and join it.....
    jmilly likes this.
  9. In the short time I have been taking my faith seriously (last 3 years); I have seen many a young adult and teenager wipe out; never to return to the Church (at least not yet).

    Don't be a statistic-embrace good teaching & preaching from the Word of God and 'work out your own salvation in fear and trembling'.
    jmilly likes this.
  10. One other thing - that I sort of mentioned - I am also concerned with my feeling of hurt - When I was trying to say how i didn't think it was fair that we were only doing stuff she wanted especially after I tried to be accommodating - perhaps i did a bad job of communicating that - but i was met with nastiness and combativeness. I guess I'm having trouble with that aspect of this as well. Here's an example of the TYPE of combativeness - her time zone is a couple hours behind mine. And she was calling me a lot at what would amount to 12 midnight my time. I asked her if she can please not call me later than what would 10pm my time because I am trying to sleep... 12 is simply too late. Her response was, "Ok then you can't call me before 12 noon" even though she is fully awake by like 8am. So i asked her to please not call me too late, but she took it as if it were like a competition or comeback or something. I gave her a cutoff so she had to return the favor and give me one, even though i never called her at early times, and her cutoff sounded pretty arbitrary, she would be awake way earlier than the time she gave me.
    ok that's just an example. But i'm trying to give you an example of this attitude, and the weekend of the visit was especially hostile. for example, when I said she seemed upset, she said that I am __ something, (again i have no idea what she said, but I'm guessing it was something nasty, because she refused to tell me what she said when i said I didn't hear her.) All i was trying to do was foster communication. When she wouldn't answer, she said i need to "relax" in a disdainful way.

    I have admit I was very hurt by the whole visit... and not only because of me being weak in resolve to act in a God honoring way (although I am upset about that too). I guess my words hurt her, but I wasn't being deliberately nasty. If i hurt her, it was met with her being nasty.
    wait a second Jesus had experience with this... time to read my Bible, just like Brother said
    Brother_Mike_V likes this.
  11. The great thing about Our LORD is he DID experience all the nastiness humanity had to offer-and yet He stayed SINLESS! What an amazing God we serve!

    Losing friends is hard; it's even harder to lose family. But Christ warned us if we follow Him households would be divided:

    Matthew 10:

    32 Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. 33 But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.

    34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. 35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. 37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. 39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.
    jmilly likes this.
  12. (This is why you need FELLOWSHIP with Bible Beleiving folks; the 'world' will be at odds with you always when you are a Christian; remember Paul said we were ENEMIES of God before we were saved.....)
    jmilly likes this.
  13. thanks - I was realizing this as I was typing. All the things I have learned were starting to come back to me. Like how we are promised persecution for our beliefs or way of living... ("Yes, and everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution." 2 Timothy 3:12 came to mind).
    I am still working on having this at the forefront of my mind - as you said previously in your first or second response, that I should be thinking about it. I can't wait for that. Right now it hits me when I'm thinking about situations after the fact. This was kind of an epiphany just now. Maybe this story has a silver lining after all... it reminded me to get back into the Word... amazing
    thanks Brother!
  14. yes - I have friends from Church and friends I met in the Christian club at my school. clearly the girl I'm talking about in this story is not one of them. She calls herself Christian, but that's because she was baptized as a child and raised going to church. She doesn't go to church anymore and just calls herself that by default. It doesn't seem like it was a conscious decision or an active part of her life. I need to hang out with the church group more often!
  15. What about starting a Young Ladies Bible Study Group through your Church-or joining one close by?
  16. Our Pastor's wife started this JOY Fellowship thing with the ladies of the Church: tea, crafts, woman stuff.....blah blah....

    But they incorporate Bible teaching into their meeting when they are pretending they aren't gossiping! :)

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