Top 10 Signs You may Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Dusty, Feb 27, 2009.

  1. Top 10 Signs You may Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

    10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
    9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
    8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
    7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
    6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
    5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
    4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
    3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
    2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
    And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
    1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

  2. Church Bulletin Bloopers:

    "For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
    "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."
    "The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."
    "Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door."
    "Anointing of the sick ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request."
    "The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."
    The sermon title this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH
    The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD
    The sermon this morning: GOSSIP ... THE SPEAKING OF EVIL
    The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY
    The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES # 3 ... EUTHANASIA The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE
  3. Heavenly Voice Mail

    Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
    Thank you for calling heaven.
    For English press 1
    For Spanish press 2
    For all other languages, press 3

    Please select one of the following options:
    Press 1 for request
    Press 2 for thanksgiving
    Press 3 for complaints
    Press 4 for all others

    I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

    If you would like to speak to:
    God, press 1
    Jesus, press 2
    Holy spirit, press 3

    To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
    (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

    For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

    For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

    Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

    The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
    If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
    Thank you and have a heavenly day.
  4. :d:d:d
  5. Now this is funny, I have heard other bullitin mix ups. But never thought about Gods answering machine.

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