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To What Extent To Help My Brother

Discussion in 'Family and Parenting' started by nijikon, Aug 6, 2014.

  1. Hey Christians Forum Site,

    Usually I post this in another family issue forums. In the past I've received good help from this forum so I want to continue that trend with this thread.

    Some quick objective context.

    My older brother isn't the greatest of people. Some may even call him selfish and not caring. Basically, in the last three years, his life was out of order. He was unemployed. My dad was trying to help him get to school. With the free time he has, he watches DVDs and spends minimal effort to improve his situation. Also, he contributes minimally to the household, ie. doing chores, giving lifts to my parents. And yup, he doesn't go to church.

    Blame it on whatever, bad influences, laziness, dejection in life. The point is, he can always be a better person of himself. He is 30 and I'm 27. And those in the forum know me, I'm very blessed.

    Okay, now the situation. My dad isn't in a good financial state. Not being one to take money from his own son, I've been feeding my auntie money so that she can pass it to my dad. Now, I've just been asked by my auntie to give 1.5x what I've been giving to cover for my brother who is now and for the past three years, out of job.

    What should I do?

    Either, I be the good Christian and give more than what I've been already giving. Or two, I decline and finally get my brother to see the grave circumstances of his predication - someone who doesn't spend the least bit of effort to take care of himself and his family.

    I don't think I'm entirely in the wrong in adopting the less loving approach. My intent is that in his most dire circumstances, one where he figures he can't even help his own dad, would my brother see that life is about responsibilities and ultimately, you need to pick your life up.

    Any ideas?

  2. Why do you assume that getting your "brother to see the grave circumstances of his predication - someone who doesn't spend the least bit of effort to take care of himself and his family" is the least Christian response and less loving? Yes, the Bible says that we need to give to our own families first, but what you would be giving him is a great lesson in reality! The Bible also says that one who will not work may not eat! This thirty-year-old boy needs to become a thirty-year-old man! In my opinion, your enabling him to stay a boy would be the worst thing you can do!

    Your aunt is wrong. She merely wants to be more comfortable. Your brother made a family? He needs to grow up and take care of that family.
    Heart_for_Christ and autumn oddity say Amen and like this.
  3. Hey Tezril,

    Thanks for the assurance. I'm thinking I'm going with the route of forcing my brother to properly assess his position. Please let me vent a bit.

    It is not that we have not been supportive. My family and I have been very supportive of my older brother for the last three years. My dad has invested tens of thousand dollars to support him in his ventures, the details of which I don't want to know but I suspected weren't profitable. And I too try to coach him in getting by in life like through skills of networking and simply grinding it out even if you know you aren't academically gifted. And that's not even mentioning my Dad buying him a number of assets which my brother could very well sell if he recognized that he isn't in a income earning state.

    Basically, he was given the chances. I deeply feel that it is for the better that I don't pay his share and he realizes the situation his life is in.

    Just a clarification. My auntie is simply the mediator here. I don't think she was measuring either me or my brother's life when she asked me for contributions which my brother should have given.

    Thank you.
    autumn oddity and TezriLi say Amen and like this.
  4. He has a family?
  5. I think he was referring to "Also, he contributes minimally to the household, ie. doing chores, giving lifts to my parents".
  6. only God can change someone.

    not saying you should just pray, but that should be 'essential" part of your intervention.

    as for not giving more to your brother, I don't know, I mean, if I am your father, I would simply tighten the belt and continue to support "mine" son.
  7. wow, your brother sounds like my dad, down to the not helping around the house, being unemployed ...the whole shebang.

    my dad acts more like a brother to me.

    but as for your brother, I wouldn't send him nothing...he is 30 not 3!
    if you do, you'll only enable him to sponge off you...the way my mom does by paying for everything and doing everything.... so my dad doesn't have to rise to the occasion.

    let your brother stand on his own two feet.
    Heart_for_Christ and TezriLi say Amen and like this.
  8. Thank you all for the responses. Yup, I think I'm clear and sure of my choice.

    KingJ. It's obvious that my brother does not have a family, let alone trying to start one. The family referred to here is as God is Love said, doing things such as helping my mom with chores, spending time with my Dad, run errands for the household.

    Argh, just happened today. Something so simply like taking out the trash needs to be done by me after a few stressful days at work where my brother is staying at home the whole day.
  9. Have you ever talked to him about all this? From what you've said it sounds like he might be suffering depression.
    autumn oddity likes this.
  10. Yes, I've considered that possibility. I did it about twice, which I know it's very seldom given that his position has been going on for year. One, I gently suggested to him some back up options for his career even though its not to his liking. Two, I did encourage him when he almost got some part-time work secured.

    Moreover, I feel taking advice from someone younger than you by three years in an area he should be better at than me is quite discouraging. Hence, my decision to not talk to him about this.
  11. While I can understand it being hard for you to look at it this way because he is your brother, I would try to sympathize with what he's going through, regardless of if he is older than you or not, etc... Is he a Christian? If not, have you told him the Gospel/invited him to Church?
    autumn oddity likes this.
  12. #12 God is Love, Aug 10, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2014
    Ok, here is my advice.

    First off, would Jesus pick the less loving approach? God is love so I think you know the answer. Second, Idk your brother, but from everything you have said I see someone suffering depression and as someone who went through that, love is the thing that he needs! You may assume he is lazy, etc... but that is because you don't understand depression, you are right that you are very blessed, now spread that blessing to others or else what a waste! I think that your brother notices his grave circumstances, he is 30 and has no job/life, why do you think he is so hopeless? Your job as a Christian is to help pull him out of this situation and love him, not rub in his face his problems when he clearly already knows them all too well. I understand your frustration, but you have to truly put yourself in his shoes to understand. This involves taking away your thinking and seeing how he thinks. I pray that you take this advice, it is not to offend you. Realize what a great chance this is to evangelize to your own brother! Pull him out of the dark and into the light.
    autumn oddity and Heart_for_Christ say Amen and like this.
  13. God is love, you really came up with an amazing answer.
  14. Thank you Pancakes :) God gave me any wisdom I might spew out from time to time, so all credit goes to him for sure. I am happy if he can help others through me, because like John the Baptist said "I am not worthy to untie his sandals".
    JG27_chili and Heart_for_Christ say Amen and like this.
  15. How would you react to this then?

    My brother was recently given an offer to work in manufacturing. It pays US$35k annual but it's 20 miles from us. He has a car bought by my dad. His answer - I'm not taking it because the place is run down.

    In addition, this comes after giving up on a part time half day concierge job which I feel pays a respectable US$2k a month.

    And he says he wants a job he likes. And says he can't support our dad because he's not working.

    I'm sorry. This irritates me to the highest level and if there's any reason to ignore him, to even show him loving or unloving treatment, this is it.

    I find him wanting something better is an excuse. You make mistakes ( last three years NEGATIVE income ) and you still expect your life to be to your liking. Absolutely no notion of responsibilities and realities of life.

    However bad he thinks manufacturing is, it is still something. He just prefers nothing over something.
  16. well, what do you want us to say?

    yes, I think your brother is a LOSER with capital L, and a MOOCHER?

    honestly, love is not easy, and I can see why you would feel protective towards your dad.

    Love doesn't mean one don't set boundaries.

    but it does mean you try to act in the best interest of the other person with love and concern....

    only God can give you strength to do it......
  17. Sadly I know of three relatives of mine, all in the same family, all with mental issues and all unemployed. One has not worked for 30 years, milked disability and pensions and got a house for nothing from his dad. I even got a call from a loan shark company trying to ring them and charging one of them 48% interest for borrowing a hundred bucks till next welfare cheque came in. I love them and want to bless them but they are just self interested, if I gave them all my possessions they would not change for a moment. I witnessed to them for years to nil effect. If you gave them all your blood they would still be anemic. We are called to be the good Samaritan, and to love 70x7 and to help the poor, but shake off the dust of your feet and walk away because God didn't call you to be their slaves. Also like the prodigal son some people need to come to an end to wake up, sadly not even death staring them in the face leads them to believe.
  18. #18 God is Love, Aug 21, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2014
    It's a hard interpretation to defend because Jesus also very clearly states to be a servant. But I know what you're saying and I agree atm. I'm not sure if I agree because I don't want to be a 'servant' to certain people though. Welp, if i'm wrong I hope God smacks me upside the head, but if i'm right I hope he helps verify this for me. Another thing that I wonder is if the interpretation we agree on stands true, then are we suppose to know when to call it quits on people? Hmm...I'm just brainstorming as I type atm, but that doesn't seem right. Then again their are rules for when a brother doesn't listen, but then again when is the concern worth putting the rules into action..Well, if it's only a concern about a sin then would that include every sin? Would we have to rebuke everyone every time they sinned or else kick them out of our life? Some sins are really small...but then again I do realize sin is sin no matter how 'small' is perceived. But then again, I have anxiety, and that is a sin because anxiety is caused by not having trust in God, in this case I believe it is my subconscious and I really don't know how to control that except to keep praying and trying to maintain pureness and continue reading the word. But if every Christian rebuked my anxiety and avoided me because i'm a sinner then i'd be a loner. And everyone sins so we'd all be loners.. Ok I think I've gone off track so that's enough brainstorming for now :speechless:
  19. let your yes be yes and your no, no. anything beyond this is sin. If my cousin said to me I want to live with you, I would say 'no'. I am no less a Christian for refusing to do good. Some of you would be able to take in your worthless brother and then live in a house of troubles with things going missing or him watching tv till 3 am, but that's not being a good Samaritan, that's being a doormat for him to wipe his muddy sins on.
    福井舞 and God is Love say Amen and like this.
  20. #20 nijikon, Aug 26, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2014
    Today, I come here to vent and ask for forgiveness. Forgive me Father for the hate and sinful actions I feel towards my brother. I'm sorry.

    Here's what happened. (Please bear with me as I'm typing out of frustration. Part of me also wants justification for my actions and sympathy for my situation.)

    I'm going crazy. My Dad has just came to me detailing his financial fit. He will be out of job for the next 6 months as he is going on for a certificate course. He is having trouble paying the remaining $45k loan on his car. He needs the car. Two options - me with almost enough cash to pay the outstanding loan. Or my brother who can sell his car to pay off the loan. The result, me giving up all my savings to pay the loan.

    Sure, there comes the question of equality as to why my brother can't do it. Consider please - he isn't paying the maintenance of his car, his life doesn't have the need for the car (does he need to drive to an office which isn't there), he has already squandered tens of thousands the last few years on his failed ventures. He doesn't offer to sell his car.

    Me, the one left dejected. Losing all my savings for my future home to cover a debt which wouldn't be there if my brother actually done something with his life not even mentioning the money invested in him is probably twice that of mine.

    I'm working both day and night (I now on some part time work at night) saving for my future and trying to provide for my Dad. My Dad is going back to school so he can get a job. My Mom is still dragging herself out of bed and to the office.

    My brother. He turned down that $35k annual factory job. He quit his part time job. He doesn't give lifts for my Mom during the weekends. He doesn't help in getting groceries for the house. He doesn't think of saving by perhaps cooking frozen food. And he still has the decency to ask my Mom for money for parking, fuel, road tax for his car that would be gone if I hadn't be the filial son and helped with the family.

    I am officially losing my mind. And I'm this close to treating my brother as someone who doesn't exist. At times, I want to try. I really want to. To help him. But the more I think of the chances he had AND the more I know I won't be able to carry this heavy load when I see him, the more I think it's best I just give up all hope on him.

    I sure hope him turning down AN OPPORTUNITY TO HELP and deciding on carrying on his ways is enough reason for me to stay away from him FOR my sanity.

    Forgive Father for I have sinned.

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