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To all Pet Owners

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Who am I, Jan 15, 2009.

  1. To all Pet Owners

    To all Pet Owners

    Dear Dogs and Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

    To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

    To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

    1. They live here. You don't.
    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'nature.)
    3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

    Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because

    1. Eat less
    2. Don't ask for money all the time
    3. Are easier to train
    4. Normally come when called (well, OK, the cat thinks about it)
    5. Never ask to drive the car
    6. Don't smoke or drink
    7. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
    8. Don't want to wear your clothes
    9. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.

    And finally,
    10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
  2. " Where do Pets come from "


    It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where did pets come from?"
    And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
    And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
    And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
    And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
    And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
    And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
    After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
    And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
    And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
  3. As I look at my cat not listening to me. :(

  4. Aww........is that really your cat? No cats never listen . I could tell mine one hundren times a day not to get on the table and they just give me the look .

  5. Yes, that’s my cat.
    He is sitting on the living room chair as I type not getting my slippers for me.

    But for some odd reason, he’s still the best cat in the world. :D
  6. He or she looks real gentle . I have two cats .... one all black and one all grey I was looking for a picture but can't find one .

    Is that your dog in the avator ?
  7. Here they are .

  8. My cat is a he, named Onesimus. (from the book of Philemon)

    Yes, that is my dog Faith.
    She is living with my ex wife in California. She sent me some recent Christmas pictures.
    They are both doing well and warm. :D

    Here's the whole pic

  9. Mine .... Dusty is female and ... Midnight .... male . They are great company .
  10. Thayer Definition:
    Onesimus = “profitable or useful”
    1) a Christian slave of Philemon

    He is useful by keeping me company.
    And he is my slave.

    The only problem is… he hasn’t learned that yet. :cool:
  11. Oh what a nice picture . Well I am going now to clean my driveway . and maybe that way there won't be so much in the AM

  12. And he never will . Cats have minds of their own .
  13. I saw this on a sign

    women and cats will do as they please
    Men and dogs will just have to get used to it.;)
  14. :D:D:D Good one Cliff.

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