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Three marriage killers - Take 2

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Michael Douthat, Feb 4, 2015.

  1. I am old enough and have had enough marriage counseling sessions that I understand there are always two sides to marriage issues. In my case, however, my wife displays behaviors that are killing our marriage whereas she cannot name anything I'm doing to kill it. My counselor agrees in this situation that "she" is going to have to make the changes to save the marriage. I say that, knowing full-well that someone is going to say "it's never that way".
    I've mentioned her behaviors in a previous post but will list them again here:
    #1 - She is a spend-a-holic and refuses to stay within a budget and/or learn how to utilize a budget. Throughout our marriage she has created financial havoc.
    #2 - She refuses to offer herself to me sexually in any manner. I can't have "normal" sex so she assumes I need nothing which I've told her many times is not true. I can't even get her to come to bed and snuggle. She takes her sleeping pill and is asleep as soon as she hits the pillow. Then she wonders why I don't love her in a romantic way!
    #3 - She is driven to constantly be working or doing something. I cannot get her to relax and just sit with me or save some energy so we can do things together. She is 65 years old and has health issues. Most people would learned to slow down by this age. Her obsessive behavior drives me nuts.
    #4 - She has lied to me so many times I can't count. I can't trust her to tell me the truth.
    #5 - She doesn't support me when I need her support the most. This is true especially when dealing with difficult people. She has me take the heat and then calls me "mean" if I have to get firm with them. There are just some people who don't get the message until you get firm with them and my wife just doesn't seem to understand that.

    So, in my case would agree that my wife is the only one who can save our marriage? When I say that to her she always tries to turn it around and put the focus on my faults. I try to explain that I am willing to work on my faults but it's not the same thing as doing things to ruin a marriage! Does this make sense?
  2. There is just one verse she needs 1 Cor 7:5.

    I guess at that age you are both very stuck in bad habits. I think it is silly to ever say either of you don't love each other. Marriage + together for many years = love. We are humans who need hugs and kisses. I think its just the physical side that is causing the other problems to escalate.

    Good luck, praying for you!
    Michael Douthat likes this.
  3. Well, I would say satan has got a foothold in her and she needs Jesus to get her back on track. yes those are serious problems and I cant imagine how bad you are suffering right now.

    Ask yourself this question. Do you still want to be married. Does she still want to be married to you? Ask her. Did you both mean those vows or did one or both of you lie when you made them.

    If that the case, you need to sort out if she is unbelieving, let her depart. God does not want us unequally yoked...if prayer and gospel is falling on deaf ears..then God does not want us in bondage.
    If you need companionship sometimes its better to own a pet like a cat or dog.
    Michael Douthat likes this.
  4. I know you mean well but suggesting divorce even if the other is unsaved is 100% unscriptural. If your toe is itchy you don't cut it off. The unsaved who choose to stay with the saved are to some degree sanctified / accepting Jesus.
    3nails+1cross=4GIVEN and Michael Douthat say Amen and like this.
  5. Yes if they choose to stay but they are free to go as well.
  6. You cannot truly be married to an unbeliever. in Gods eyes that is not a marriage, that is bondage.

    It is different if you became a christian after you got married and your spouse has not yet come to Christ. But if you were one before you got married or went in knowing you marrying an unbeliever then you know you going to have difficulties.

    Couples in marriage have to ask EACH other if they still want to be together. it is not just one person leaves without any decision of their own will or thinking of the other person.

    You either forgive each other or you let go. Jesus said with that divorce was not originally Gods design but he made allowances for those who are hard of heart. yes it breaks his heart, that is why Jesus did his utmost to save each and everyone of us so we will not hurt each other and have to go through all this.
    Michael Douthat likes this.
  7. #7 KingJ, Feb 4, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2015
    Do you have any scripture for the bold?

    Do you have scripture for this too?
  8. What you are suggesting is that the Christian must not try to keep them...just let them go if they unsaved. That is not scriptural. The Christian fights for the marriage even if they unsaved.
    Michael Douthat likes this.
  9. Matthew chapter 19

    Also read what jesus said about eunuchs.
  10. 1 corinthians 7:15
  11. To me..it seems like your wife is defrauding you and thats sexually immoral. But thats just imho. I am not you.
  12. The reason why unsaved spouses stay in marriage is for the childrens sakes, that they be sanctified and made holy. Theres scripture for that too, will look up in a moment.
    As far as I know there are no children in this marriage union.
  13. Its the previous verse. Read that chapter carefully.
    God knows your situation.
    pray for your wife and dont backstab here on here. SHe may be her enemy right now, but you must Forgive her..and her sinful behaviour if you cannot forgive, then God will not forgive you.

    You will just need to learn to live with her Im afraid, as you made a vow. You cant go back on it. for better or worse, remember? think on how things could be better and what you saw in each other when you first met.

    5 love languages is a good book.
    If you cannot love and cherish your wife and she is a believer then you are going against God.
  14. The christian does not fight. In marriage the christian simply loves. Fighting has no place in marriage.
  15. I know Matt 19 well. I am curious as to how it justifies your position. Matt 19:8-9 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.

    Eunuchs??? what do they have to do with anything??
  16. That is NOT saying we just sign the divorce papers and let them go. You need to read all scripture on marriage not cherry pick. If they leave us, let them go = if they commit adultery / want to / on the verge of it / want a divorce so they can / or they abandon us because they hate us and Jesus. This is NOT '''oh boy my wife and I have different social interests'' well she is unsaved I will divorce her.
  17. You don't believe fighting for a marriage is loving your spouse?
  18. Well then i dont understand the ops problem then.
    The wife has left him...they are not even speaking (only arguing) or having relations, how can they be married?
    Two cannot walk together unless agreed.

    The wife is committing adultery if she does not believe in God. She does not listen to her husband, she is not respecting him..she is going after other gods, lying..defrauding him..its pretty obvious its not just different social interests.

    Nope. Love is what makes marriage work. Fighting has no place and wont work. What would the husband fight anyway? Shes already given in to satan and he cant deliver her cos she is out of Gods will. She needs to want the marriage to work but clearly she doesnt.

    Jesus spoke about eunuchs directly after what he said about divorce. But only a few ppl can handle these verses. Not everyone can have or is able to have children. They dont have any children together so..not sure why OP ought to stay in the marriage. His staying wont make her adult children from the previous marriage holy or sanctified. Sounds like bondage to me..not marriage at all.

    Satan comes to steal kill and destroy. OP is clear this marriage is killing him. Why should he stay? Give good reason...cos its better to be married and miserable than single and happy? I dont think so.
    Michael Douthat likes this.
  19. @Michael Douthat Have you and your wife ever tried to visit some counselor? I don't think that this problem is so simple that it can be solved on internet forum.
  20. I've put up with a lot of crap in this marriage. I've forgiven my wife for the disrespect, the lies, the refusal to work on making changes, the financial havoc, etc. In the end, she doesn't get it. All she wants to do it turn the focus back on me and call me "controlling" because I'm trying to take control of situations where she is out of control. Right now, she is full of anger and I understand that. She just wants me to be like her deceased husband and have no opinion about anything. My counselor says we are going to work on setting boundaries. When I tell her that, she sees it as controlling her rather than understanding that boundaries are to set a limit on how far I'm willing to let her do things that effect me. What am I going to do when she overdraws our accounts for the umpteenth time, or when she criticizes me for taking care of difficult situations with appropriate firmness, or she ignores sound advice because she's determined to do it her way, or she lies to me, or she tells her friends how mean I am and then reports back to me with their negative response against me, or she mocks me when I'm trying to solve a problem?
    I know now that we shouldn't have gotten married so quickly. Maybe with more time I could have seen the red lights flashing and avoided the misery. I know God hates divorce so I'm trying to set boundaries that we can both live with. Getting very little cooperation from her on that issue. Will have to make a decision soon. I either need to try to keep the marriage together by setting boundaries or divorce her and live out the rest of my life without marriage. Driving 250 miles today to visit my kids and my goal is to decide what I'm going to do by the time I get back home. Thanks to everyone for you input. It all helps!

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