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The Breakup.

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Roxanne B., Feb 8, 2013.

  1. Hi everyone! This is going to be quite long, but advice would be so greatly appreciated. I also read my bible and have been praying on this, but I know God uses people as instruments.

    This guy ("Jay") and I have been together for 6 years (HS sweethearts). We never got the chance to go through the 'getting to know each other' stage. We got to know eachother while we were already in a relationship. We weren't Believers the first few years we started dating. He and I were both were Catholic, but I was more religious than him. After 4 years, I wanted to have a deeper relationship with God. I knew there was more to life and I had a purpose here on earth. I wanted to find out what that purpose was. I started attending a Christian church and I invited him... he went ahead and attended with me. I got baptized (but I got baptized thinking that it was needed for salvation) and started serving. Jay seemed to be growing. He read his Bible (more than I did actually), would attend prayer meetings with me, and went to church willingly. Since he was doing those things, I would bug him on why he didn't want to get baptized... He didn't really say much about it.

    I moved to another country about 3 years ago to finish school. While I was here, my aunt who is also a Believer, taught me about doctrine... I had finally realized that all those years, I wasn't saved. Through devotions and bible study, I was finally aware of salvation and my salvation was assured. Anyway, as I grew, I realized the importance of doctrine and living according to the Bible. I didn't agree with many things the church I had been attending back home and told my boyfriend to find another church if he wanted to grow more in Christ like he said he did.

    I hadn't realized that what I had asked him to do was building up pressure... As the months/years had passed by, I kept telling him I wanted to marry a man of God. Basically, if he doesn't grow... we ain't getting married. I had this perception that the man I had to marry had to be from the exact same denomination as I. So I continued nagging him about it (finding a Baptist churh) When I went back home to the states for a mini vacay, he asked for my hand in marriage. And I knew the Holy Spirit was telling me, "It's not time yet." But, I went with my flesh and said yes. Everything was all happy dandy until a few weeks ago (3 1/2 months after the proposal). I had been nagging, questioning him on his salvation... We were getting married, I need him to be a man of God! I told him that we had to postpone the engagement until he and I were at the same spiritual level. I told him we could be friends and I would help him though the process of trying to grow. One day, I knew something was up... I wanted to get some emotion out of him. And finally he opened up. He said, he had to follow me to Catholic church which is fine, and then to the Christian church and he likes it and he enjoys it. But now to ask him to move to another church, BOOM.. too much pressure. And thats when he def' agreed we could not be together and just be friends. I was heartbroken. This guy who always said we'd be together forever, who always 'held us together', he said he no longer saw me in his future at the moment and he wants me to be happy.. he wants me to find my man in Christ. I was so heart broken because I so badly wanted him to be my man in Christ... He admitted to me that he asked me to marry him because he felt like it would lower the pressure of what I was expecting of him. And he felt like if we were together, it would always be an issue... I asked him not to erase me from his life, and he said he wont. We settled on us being friends who are casually dating.

    As a believer, I know that we shouldn't be yolked with unbelievers. The thing is, one night I had an epiphany. I failed to realize that Jay is a Believer... He believes in the Gospel and is sure where he is going when he dies. But he is a stagnant Christian. Since his work gives him one/two days off (usually a week day), it's hard for him to grow because he cant attend church. He does invite friends to attend, he continues to read his bible and said he just needs to work on applying the word of God to his life. He said he is comfortable with just being assured salvation and not too worried about having any rewards/crows in heaven. And when I described the Holy Spirit, he said he doesn't feel it... But when we had our big fight, I remember he said, "I had this feeling in my heart that us getting back together this time, just isn't right." I mean I am not sure, but I think it was the Holy Spirit telling him to be strong and push through with this breakup. I realized that this breakup had to happen according to Gods will in order for God to work in him without me... I was playing God and getting in the way. It's Gods job to work on him... not mine. And for myself, this is really helping me to put my full trust in God, because for a moment, I wanted my will be done, not Gods. After realizing everything, I know this is Gods will... and he is giving me strength. And I was focusing too much on the future instead of focusing on today.

    The only thing is, I don't know if its right that Jay and I remain in this dating phase at this moment... I want him to grow so I want him to have his space (which is what he asked for)... but by his actions it's like we are back together. He's being sweet and it's as if he can't remember that he told me, "I don't see you in my future." But of course, it's exciting because we are dating each other at this point in time. We are no longer those teens. We are at different stages of our life. I just want to make sure that he has that separation so God can work in him (does that make sense?)

    I don't know what my question is here, but maybe you guys can give me an idea of what you think about this whole situation... Any advice? I want him to grow and so I want to help by sending him bible scriptures and lessons to read but I want to make it seem like I am forcing him... I also don't know if I should ask him to attend the same church as me when I get back home (I'll be back for 2 months) or just let him attend his own church. I'm sorry yall... I hope I'm making sense.

    God bless everyone.
  2. Another question is: Is it ok that he &I stay friends that are casually dating (long distance... I got back in 2 months for 3 months vacay)? Or should I just totally not even make contact...
  3. Will you marry me? Just kidding!:)

    On a more serious note: #1: Any relationship takes WORK-that being said, the #1 relationship you should be working on is between you and Christ. You either obey God-or you don't, no grey area.

    My advice would be this: if you two are meant to be together, then meet under the circumstances that God would have you meet-at Church and not ALONE together at anytime including: texting, emails, etc... (not saying to meet ONLY at Church, but have a chaperone elsewhere.)

    Who knows maybe you will meet the real Mr. Right...! ;) Don't let lust and emotion cloud your view of Jesus Christ.
  4. Thanks! I know lust and emotion shouldn't cloud my view. I've been praying for God to give me the strength... His strength is the only thing keeping me together. I know His promise is the only promise that will never be broken. I want to put my full trust to the LORD on this situation. I can't pick and chose when to trust him. It's just that I'm still a baby Christian and I can't fully understand how to listen to God...Does that make sense? I read my bible and I just pick a random page... I pray and take silence, but I don't hear anything.. :/ All I know is that he & I need to take this time to work on ourselves as individuals not as a couple. Jay and I, since we were teens, always had to include each other in future plans. Since we are on long distance, we are apart... I barely have anyone here (I live in a foreign country)... I know God is always with me but at times it's nice to get a text/, message from Jay.

    With your suggestion my dilemma is: I no longer will be attending the church that he goes to... when I go back, I plan on finding a new church. I think. Last time when I visited, Jay actually joined me in trying to find a new church.. but now when I go back, I don't want him to unless he is willing to on his own. And it'll be hard not to see him when I go back. His family and my family ARE like family...
  5. I have a 5 course spiritual meal for you. Read these scriptures once a day for a week:

    Consume the Word: John 1:1-14, John 6:31-66

    Appetizer: Luke 12:22-32 Faith
    Soup: Matthew 5:1-16 Blessings
    Salad: Revelation 4, 7:9-12, 21:4-5, 22:1-5 Hope
    Entree': John 17 Love
    Dessert: Ephesians 6:10-18 Protection

    Then when you discover the Word as it applies to you, make your own meals.

    Fall in love with the Lord...
  6. Thank you very much for responding... Although, I didn't use the real names, please keep us in your prayers. Not as a couple but as individuals. That we fall in love with the Lord, put our full trust in Him and listen to HIS calling.

    Thank you once again.

    I host a bible study every Saturday... Jay just texted me saying he hopes I have a blessed bible study. I know that he may not be growing at the same rate but at least I see that God is working on him... Jay just has to stop resisting.

    Anyway, like you said, I need to focus on my relationship with God so I am off to read those scriptures.
  7. Roxanne,

    Take your time, allow yourself to grow more in Christ, when you are mature enough you will know what to do.

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