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Texan chili cook off

Discussion in 'Humor' started by JG27_chili, Jul 10, 2008.

  1. JG27_chili

    JG27_chili Moderator & Community Supporter Staff Member Supporter

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    Texan chili cook off

    Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
    Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
    Here are the scorecards from the event:
    CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
    CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
    CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting slop-faced.
    CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb gal is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
    CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really tiks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !
    CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that gal Sally. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone!
    CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
    FRANK: You could put a freekin Grenade in my mouth, pull the freekin pin, and I wouldn't feel a darn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my freekin mouth. My pants are full of lava-like substance, to match my freekin shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
    CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).
    #1
  2. JG27_chili

    JG27_chili Moderator & Community Supporter Staff Member Supporter

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    edited for our readers

    All the swear words were removed. Use your imagination.
    #2
  3. Who am I

    Who am I New Member

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    I don’t use swear words… and I would rather not imagine swear words either.
    #3
  4. Mama Mia that is some spice chili!:)
    #4
  5. Jon-Marc

    Jon-Marc New Member

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    Ditto! My chili has been described as everything from mild (a doctor from India) to liquid fire (a pastor). I won a chili cook off with it, though.

    The funniest part (to me) was when judge #3 said that he farted and four people behind him needed paramedics.
    #5
  6. BeauxReflets

    BeauxReflets New Member

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    I think it's far funnier without the edited/weird words inter...rupting the flow
    #6
  7. I have never been to a chili cook off but it sounds cool! My wife's homemade chili is so thick and meaty a spoon stands straight up in it all by itself.:)
    #7
  8. Fluffy

    Fluffy Active Member

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    [​IMG]Somebody say chili? [​IMG]
    #8
  9. Jon-Marc

    Jon-Marc New Member

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    That's the way mine is--thick.
    #9
  10. JG27_chili

    JG27_chili Moderator & Community Supporter Staff Member Supporter

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    I agree but I must think of the others :D
    #10
  11. JG27_chili

    JG27_chili Moderator & Community Supporter Staff Member Supporter

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    I have won once in a chili cook off at work. There was 20 contestants. It was very close. 1 of the gals that I trained used chicken instead of beef. It threw the judges for a loop in her favor!! WOW! YUP I got beat by a chicken! But it was absolutly delicious! I tip my hat to her. She never told me she was a chili lover. I think that deserves a write up:mad::) Hehehehe. Jus kiddin. I love CHILI!!!
    #11
  12. Jon-Marc

    Jon-Marc New Member

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    I wouldn't have read it with profanity in it.
    #12
  13. BreathOfGod

    BreathOfGod New Member

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    Agreed. :) It was a bit raw for me as it stood already.
    #13
  14. Chris.H

    Chris.H New Member

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    mmmmmm chili now thats somthing i will eat no matter how much i will suffer after as long as it is good. lots of meat, lots of beans lors of peppers (HOT) lots of hot sauce i got a good mexican one have no clue what it is its all in spanish and 2 or 3 drops of that will definatly put some kick in a bowl of chili or any thing else. i made the mistake of dumping it on a bowl of chili once i could barely eat it but it was sooooooooooo good lol
    #14
  15. JG27_chili

    JG27_chili Moderator & Community Supporter Staff Member Supporter

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    I got a recipie for all to love. I will post it in the recipie section of the foruns. Dont worry I'll be a good boy.........Hehheheheheheh:D:cool:
    Chili out.
    #15
  16. Tavy

    Tavy New Member

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    I love homemade chili, especially if it has beans and extra hot and with lots of grated cheese on top.:dance:
    #16
  17. Jon-Marc

    Jon-Marc New Member

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    Personally, I would rather not think about profanity. It's bad enough hearing it without thinking about it deliberately.
    #17
  18. JG27_chili

    JG27_chili Moderator & Community Supporter Staff Member Supporter

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    Here is the recipie I promised. It is not my own, however I did make a couple adjustments to it. This is standard. You can allways put on more heat to your liking. Enjoy all you chili lovers. Tis absolutly delicious!!!:D:):p:israel:

    Chili out.

    2 1/2 lb Lean ground chuck
    1 lb Lean ground pork
    1 c Finely chopped onion
    4 Garlic cloves; finely chpd.
    1 cn Budweiser beer (12 oz.)
    8 oz Hunt's tomato sauce
    1 c Water
    3 tb Chili powder
    2 tb Ground cumin
    2 tb Wyler's beef-flavor instant -bouillon (or 6 cubes)
    2 ts Oregano leaves
    2 ts Paprika
    2 ts Sugar
    1 ts Unsweetened cocoa
    1/2 ts Ground coriander
    1/2 ts Louisiana hot sauce,to taste
    1 ts Flour 1 ts Cornmeal
    1 tb Warm water

    In large saucepan or Dutch oven, brown half the meat; pour off fat. Remove meat. Brown remaining meat; pour off all fat except 2 Tbsps. Add onion, garlic; cook and stir until tender. Add meat and remaining ingredients except flour, cornmeal and warm water. Mix well. Bring to boil; reduce heat and simmer covered 2 hours. Stir together flour and cornmeal; add warm water. Mix well. Stir into chili mixture. Cook covered 20 minutes longer. Serve hot. Makes 2 quarts.
    From: Bill and Becky Pfeiffer. 1980 World Championship Chili Cookoff Winners.
    Posted By: on GEnie Food & Wine RT May 24, 1993 by M.HATALA [Mike in FL.] CI$ 71511,2253
    Post Date: May 24, 1993
    #18
  19. risingsun

    risingsun New Member

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    That is the way I like my chili...mmmm
    #19
  20. JG27_chili

    JG27_chili Moderator & Community Supporter Staff Member Supporter

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    I thot this was worth bringing back up for a hearty laff
    #20

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