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Submitting to husband?

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by dorig, May 19, 2008.

  1. Submitting to husband?

    I am hoping to get some good advice from other women who are godly wives. The Lord impressed on my heart a year or so ago that I really need to work on submitting to my husband. In the church, there are some many varying degrees of how people interpret the Scriptures related to this topic. My husband is a good man, we don't have any major problems, but I wonder sometimes about responding to him in certain circumstances. For example, once in awhile he might be kind of grumpy from work, being tired, and may answer sharper than he normally would. If he does this a lot, should I just keep being sweet to him and not say anything, or should I tell him he's being grouchy b/c maybe he doesn't realize it?? I don't have anyone else to talk to about these things, so thanks in advance.
  2. Hiya, welcome to the forum, please aquaint yourself with everyone in the new members section, where you can also read the rules and regulations of being part of this forum.
    Hope you enjoy it here.
    As for your question, I think we need to have a basic uncerstanding of what submission is.
    It isnt allowing someone to abuse, or walk all over us.
    It is, prefering someone else or their feelings above our own,
    In a marriage it might mean that despite feeling tired or grumpy ourselves, we make our other halves a bedtime drink kindly without complaining.
    Or it might mean following their direction even if we arent sure we agree with them because we are trusting God to work in them.
    It often means keeping our mouths shut when we would just like to tell them exactly what we think, and lifting them up instead of tearing them down.
    I believe that in marriage, it works both ways, God has made us a team, working together to further the Kingdom on earth.
    Ultimately I believe the buck stops with the husband, and any decisions that cant be agreed on have to be made by someone, and I believe the Lord has said the husband.
    We are different, and our difference should be our strengths not our weaknesses,
    God knows why He made us the way He did.
  3. Maybe I am not a good one to answer your questions on submission...... it never worked for me. (Pardon my cynicism these days. :D)

    To me, I always believed in submitting fully in the sense that whatever he said or wanted was basically final. When he came home form work, I'd greet him at the door, then let him have his space while I finished dinner so that it was ready as soon as he finished changing or doing whatever he did. If he was a bit snappy from work, I'd just ignore it-- realizing that it can be difficult to simply "turn off" and change roles from being in "work mode" to "husband mode". I always believed in the thing about staying sweet and loving, and also allowing him whatever space he needs to go into his "man cave" and unwind. I would never bother him with things of the day until he asked. I don't think that pointing out his grouchiness will help any..... instead it just might make you seem critical and uncaring, even though that is not your intent.

    One thing to always keep in mind is that you have no control over another person, you can only control your own actions and attitude. So, if he is doing something, then all you can do is continue to respond in a positive manner and keep a good attitude. If there is something really, really wrong in the relationship that bothers you greatly, then find a neutral time to approach him about it. Don't point it out in the middle of it. Also you can soften it by preparing him to hear it. Think of how Esther wined and dined the king on several occasions (plus engaged in prayer) before making her request known. (Read Esther 4-7).

    I hope some of this helps. It's hard to answer such an open ended question. I always liked John Gray's Mars and Venus books..... they offer some good insights into understanding things like why men come home grouchy from work. :p I am actually reading one of his books right now.... "Mars and Venus Starting Over"..... but I don't know if it is any good yet. I have heard criticism from Christians about things they have read in his newspaper advice columns, but the things I have heard them complain about are contrary to things I have read in his books (so I have wondered if he has a ghost writer for his columns, although I have not read any of his columns myself).
  4. Thank you! I appreciate your feedback!
  5. Hey ya'll! Another most excellent book is "Love and Respect".....oh, man! I forgot who wrote it!
    But what it basically says is the deepest need of a man is respect. The deepest need of a woman is love. (yes, we both need both, but one needs more of the other!) When a woman doesnt feel the love, she doesnt give the respect. When the man doesnt get the respect, he doesnt give the love. And the cycle goes on and on.
    It takes one person to jump of the merry go round and decide that no matter what, they are going to give the other person the respect/love that they so need. It may take a long time to see results, but it will work.
    In a respectful way (this means tone, body language as well as the words you use), talk to him and find out if something is going wrong at work. Ask if there is something you can do to help him.
    I heard somewhere to ask your husband what you can do to help him accomplish what he is set out to do. That is part of what being a "helpmeet" is.
    When we are obedient to our husbands, we are being obedient to the Lord.
    Colossians 3:18 "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord."

    Verse 23 and 24 " And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will recieve the reward of the inheritance, for you serve the Lord Christ."

    Now, got to put a disclaimer in here: if he is asking/telling you to do something that is criminal or ungodly you must respectfully refuse. Otherwise, you are partners and you have a say in decision making, but ultimately, the responsibility is on his shoulders.
    I am glad to see more wives looking to the bible for answers in how to be wives. As a modern culture, I think we have lost something vital and valuable to the family unit as a whole.
  6. Hi Dorig;
    I am standing in faith with you in seeking the answer to our question "how do we biblically submit to our husbands?"....

    Thanks Jax; very nice summary...
    Dorig: does your husband "demand" your "sweet spirit" in response to his grumpiness or are you gently being reminded by the Holy Spirit to "not repay evil for evil" (OK, I know it is NOT evil to be grumpy but if YOU lived with Grumpy, you might just feel that way...hee hee)...

    I will join in the discussion more if you would like to talk more about it...
    Love in Christ Jesus,
  7. Oh no, he doesn't demand this whatsoever!! he's totally not like that, it's definitely the Holy Spirit. I only used that one thing as an example. I didn't grow up in a Christian household and I wonder about these things, like how to really put it into practice.

    Thank you for your comments!
  8. Hi Dori;
    I also read the book Love and Respect that Fluffy recommends; it is a wonderful book...both myself and my dh (dear hubby) of 9 years has read it and our marriage gets better every day. For male/female differences I recommend the books by Shaunte Feldhan-For Women only and For men only. What I have found to be very helpful in loving someone whom God has placed into your life (and you into his of course) is to realize just how very different they are from us. The differences, when respected, is what helps us learn and grow with our spouses.

    I am so glad to hear that he is not "demanding your obedience" to him (I am sorry to say that I understand this kind of "christian love" and we will be entering counseling with our Pastor and wife very shortly...Hallelujah...I am still learning about TRUE submission and what it is NOT...)

    The Holy Spirit will teach you and guide you in all wisdom in this area because you are seeking God's truth. It sounds to me that you are concerned with how you are responding to him. Seek to love him as "unto the Lord" and guard the words of your mouth (for out of the abundance of your heart the mouth speaks)... Loving him from the depths of your being is rarely even swayed by the cirucumstances that any day or any attitude may bring. Your husband is blessed to have a wife who loves him and wants to continue to grow into the godly woman that God has given him.

    Please don't let my verbosity take over your thread. I do have so much to share but would like you to have the opportunity to share your concerns and thoughts as you continue to mature into a godly wife...

    Love and prayers,
  9. sorry if I interrupt here.. as I am a man and this seems to be a woman's post.

    I too have read all three books and highly recommend them. They have done wonders for the amount I understand women and myself. In fact.. (*makes sure no one is listening*) I cried when I read "for women only." Because I would not even know how to handle a relationship where a woman understood and reacted from the contents thereof. It was too accurate and it was too hard for me to swallow... and I understood why I was so miserable in my first marriage.

    Every woman I have asked about the contents of "for men only" has confirmed them to one degree or another. The book really helped me to understand the insecurities of women and have helped me be a better partner.

    And "love & respect" is good too. Though I have not read his follow up.

    It amazes me exactly how different me and my fiance are. We are like opposite ends of the spectrum. I am OCD and intellectual.. she is "generalize" and emotional... It makes it very challenging.. and it makes me learn all the more how to die to myself and what real love is. It is very hard.

    She submits to me... but just like I have to learn how to lead her, she has to learn how to submit. It is very hard and I must NEVER try to force her or try to convince her to submit.. I must just continue to do what I do.. getting closer to God and allowing His Spirit to work me into the man that He wants me to be. The same is true for you.

    The answer in learning how much to surrender is simply to get into God further and deeper... and let God show you, guide you, and teach you.
  10. Amen...thank you my brother...

  11. My husband demands it, and he is the grumpy 1!!
  12. Submission is an act of the heart. Submission to someone elses request or wishes is an "attitude" of our heart's willingness. When you submit to your husband, you are mindfully choosing with your heart to honor and respect him as the spiritual leader in your home, and outside the home. (without a hidden agenda--ie: manipulation to get what you want)

  13. That sounds right!! I need to tell him that!
  14. don't tell him... show him.
  15. this is the most rediculous thing i have ever read, (well actually not, but makes the point)

    People are people, regardless of gender, end of story.

    Respect is two ways, if your husband is grumpy, tell him. There is no valid reason why one should go on satisfying the needs of their partner without having their own needs satisfied too.

    Marriage is about compromise, if your husband "demands" something of you consistently without compromise, then you are a fool for remaining in the relationship without objection to the treatment.

    Yes you support your partner, which is trust, even if you dont fully agree with what they are doing, but you dont do this to the detriment of everything else.
  16. I'm inclined to agree with ectothermic here; I've always been something of a feminist. Not in the lobbying, advocating, special government treatment way, but in a philosophical way.

    I "submit" to my girlfriend on a quite regular basis; I might say more than the other way 'round. Religion has little to do with this, and a "Godly" husband will find that his wife submitting to him will never be an issue.
  17. Ok.. so can someone add on a few hours to each day? I got lots of reading to do! I read this post.. was off work 1/2 day and went to Borders book store. Had a great time.

    I bought Love and Respect and also got the For Women Only and the For Men Only book for my friend.

    I started to read Love and respect and what a great start it is.

    Thanks for the good suggestions.

  18. I'm sorry but I disagree. :)

    I agree that marriage is about compromise and requires two people who are in it for good. However, there are a few points you may have missed:

    1. The Bible very specifically gives different responsibilities within a relationship to men and women. Women are told to respect their husband and men to love their wives. Women are told to submit to their husbands and men are told to submit to God.

    2. This is because men and women are created differently and have different needs.

    3. Relationships should not be based on what someone else does or does not do for me. I would never consider divorcing my wife or leaving a woman because she does not do everything the way I think she should.

    4. "There is no valid reason why one should go on satisfying the needs of their partner without having their own needs satisfied too." - Did Jesus ask us to meet His needs before He met ours? Going into a relationship saying "you must meet my needs" will doom the relationship from the start. I am not married because of what I can or will get from my wife but because of what I GIVE her; and I give her all that I am to meet her needs with no concern of whether mine are met are not.

    It is not wrong to think of your needs. However, to think of them above that of the other is. :)

    5. "if your husband 'demands' something of you consistently without compromise, then you are a fool for remaining in the relationship without objection to the treatment." - to an extent yes but that depends upon the nature of the request doesn't it? .. and it depends why he demands it, doesn't it? If that is the only way that he can get you to do anything, I would almost wager to say I agree with him.

    I'm sorry if I insulted you in any way, shape, or form but it does put me off to say "men and women are the same" and to cast such dispersions on a relationship. It seems to me that the opinions you expressed either come from a hurting heart in a hard marriage or a lack of experience.

    I have learned that to love means to give, and then ask questions; not to make sure that I'm going to get what I want for what I give. My wife gets my all and she would get it still if she did nothing for me to meet mine. To love means to love without strings.

    The way what you said says to me, "I'll love (by respecting you) when you do good enough at meeting my needs" and I just don't think that makes for a healthy relationship. :)

    I hope you understand what I'm saying and don't take it personally. :)

  19. I am NOT a feminist when it comes to anything above equality. And that is where I shall leave all my many comments regarding feminism; because I could cast dispersions all day if I didn't.

    However, I do think that it is responsible for both our society's attitude of "equality means identical" and our society's portrayal of women as heroes and men as idiots.

    And I do think this has done irreparable damage to many lives and many relationships.


    And yes, you can notice patterns such as that in your relationship but it is not it may appear and/or as God intended.

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