Stuck Between Faith And Reality..divorce Is Near Help

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by armywifecj, Jul 27, 2012.

  1. This is going to be a long letter. I will try to sum it up best I can but PLEASE read and any input is needed!

    Im 30, have been married for 3.5 yrs. I have a 9 yr old and WE have a 2yr old and a 7month old. My husband is in the Army and we got married way to fast. We barely knew eachother THERES MY FIRST MISTAKE. I was taking a break from dating to concentrate on my job and raising my son. When we met, it just seems like the right time.

    We got prego right away and were very happy. He deployed 7 months later. I have major issues with porn and was very worried he would turn to that wheile deployed. We even went to therapy to try to create some sort of understanding, boundary, Im not really sure, youd think our VOWS were enough but...

    Well come too find out, he did give into temptation but what was worse is the amount of lies, betrayal, and games he played. He lied to me for almost the entire year, lied to our pastor, the army chaplin, everyone, crying, begging and saying he was being honest and that it was killing him because i didnt trust him...well he WAS lying! He would make our so-called happy phone calls turn into nightmares because he would flip out and say how annoying I was, and I needed Pills and he wasnt going to be in a marriage where someone didnt trust him..all along he was lying. Just goes to show how deep he went. Another thing that made this worse, was figuring I would try to beat temptation, I would do my own share of private things in hopes to entertain him while gone. And knowing I wasnt good enough...killed me.

    THis was devastating! But I prayed and forgave him, but didn't forget. WHen he returned we were doing great. He was a man of God, gotten baptized, and active in our Church, a first for him. We then got prego again. 5 months later we had to move and got stationed at CO. One week after moving, we found out we lost our son. I was/am devastated. We were arguing heavily due to the now major trust issues and loosing my son, I couldnt help but think that had something to do with it. I was 5 months..he was a baby! That some how became a issue between us. I was so shocked at how mean, and cruel he could be and talk to me after going thru something like that. I just wanted him to hold me. ANd he was yelling at me about the house being dirty. I understood he was angry so maybe that was his way of dealing. Still not right.

    We then got prego for a third time only a month later and he deployed 3 months into my pregnancy. Knowing he was going away to temptation again was horrible for me, especially while prego and 2 kiddos at home. Alone. No friends. No family.

    He got sent home early and was able to make our daughters birth. Still he has become distant from God. Cruel, throwing things, cursing at me, kids and just a wreck to be around.

    On top of the on going issue of recovery from the first deployment, his lies continued! How on earth can you re build trust when you constantly are tearing it down???!! He would lie about everything big and small. I realized how immature and unhealthy this was for myself and the kids. And then he got physical. Just once, but has done allot of throwing things, yelling, slamming etc which is also a form of abuse. He would take my keys, money, dump out my diaper bag and take my phone. Then he would leave. With me so upset, scared, worried, with no one to help and have the kids around me. These situations happen way to much and every time, I would get more and more angry.

    I get put down because I try to stand up for myself. He'll threaten to leave. He will leave. He will talk so much trash to his family, making me out to be this horrible insane person. It hurts. He entered counseling several times, and I always say..we'll see how long this one last because he never finishes. He then started a program for sexual addition and anger management and behold...he stopped all of the above! He has seen 6 different people. He says he wants this, but is becoming so horrible.

    2 months ago it was it. I decided I wasnt going to put up with this anymore. He is very mulipitive and a compulsive liar. When I had mentioned the thought of leaving, he acted surprised. He then went behind my back and put in our 30 days without me knowing. ANd then left for a week. I havent worked in 3 years and am a full time student so I was shocked and panicked at this news.

    Then I found out he wasnt going to let me move home with the kids, and would do anything he could to make me stay here. WHich is ridiculous because I dont know anyone here! I need my family, support and friends while making it as a single mother. Obvious he was doing this out of spite.

    I gave up, knowing I wouldnt be able to leave and no money, he had taken all the money and changed our account info. Another form of his control. I have kids...who does this.

    I then thought, during all of the betrayal, lies, devastation, hurt and sadness, I have never completely given it to God. So I did. I started reading the Bible. Praying several times a day. Figuring this was the one and only thing I had left to try and save this marriage. If this failed, I knew it would be Gods will.

    We decided to give it one final go. The very next day, he had lied about going on a dating website and talking with other woman during our 1 week split. This hurt for 2 reasons: 1-he sure moved on after claiming how much he loves us and is heartbroken and 2-Yet another lie!

    THen 2 days I found out that during that week, he decided to talk to someone that he hadnt talked to in 4 years! And ex girlfriend! His family LOVES her and hates me. SO I was very upset because he betrayed yet again, our vows and allowed another woman to enter our relationship by confiding in her, letting her know some very intimate private details about me, him and our marriage. THEN...after stating this hurt and it was not ok to continue talking to her, he said he would not. Well that was a LIE. SO now, he choose his ex over his wife. ANd hid it from me.

    I have been praying so hard that God touch is heart again. He has cursed God, become such a negative nasty person. WHen I even mention God, he mocks me, curses me, and will not have any part in it. THis hurt deeply, knowing how he MUST know in the back of his mind just how horrible this is and how he is under spiritual attack.

    Its been a month and I have been praying and taken the beatings (of being mocked, cursed at, manipulated, lied to) and have started to question my signs,

    Are things getting worse because this is Gods will? I have been praying and reading and yet things are getting worse. Im caught between wondering if it is only worse BECAUSE Im praying and I need to pray harder and longer, or is this Gods way of letting it be his will?

    I know that it has gotten worse. He is now rejecting MY son, and is treating him horribly. Something I don't tolerate however when I put my foot down, he makes it as ugly as possible here in the house. He doesn't play or interact with his own 2 children, he stays in our room as me and the kids have popcorn and watch a movie downstairs. He is short, cold and gets annoyed with anything we do.

    I asked him just today...why are you here? Everything you are doing, points to you not wanting this. He says he does, but can never show it through action! He then turns around and says things like how he is never going to measure up to my scale, how he can never do anything right, how his mess-ups always get thrown in his face etc...I said I have not thrown things in his face but yes, I do hold him accountable. Its almost as if he thinks he can continue lying to someone, and that person is suppose to just sit there unhurt, and forgive time and time again. I forgive him, but dont forget.

    Thats the other confusion I have. In the Bible, it says to forgive always, but at what point are you considered walked on? At what point do you say no more?!

    Its so horrible living here. I do school from home, have the 3 kids ALL day, he works from 12am until 8 am and is sleeping most of the day, but when he awakes, he still has responsibilities as a father. But doesn't care to take advantage of the little time he has with the kids, or anything else. I try to leave with all the kids so its quiet in the house but I then get the third degree about being out and whatever else.

    THis is unhealthy. Definitely. But how do I know when its time to call it quits? I dont want to give up on God and not give him the chance at working this "Miracle". But dont want to be spinning my wheels either.

    THank you for reading this long story and me see the decision that is clear, or at least point me in the right direction of thought!
    Theo Fane likes this.
  2. He watched porn….how you know?

    He told you?
    Why he try to hide? he seeks for understanding, and what he got? it looks condemnation to me...

    Even myself, I myself will lie next time.
    Even children, I read once…. they are afraid to tell the truth that they broke the expensive vase……they will lie!


    They know they will be condemned if they have experienced an inconsiderate parent.

    But if the parent understands, there is no fear in them to tell the truth.

    Good thing about our God, He knows everything, know our shorthcomings and weaknesses: I have nothing to hide, nothing to lie…
    ….. I have no fear to tell Him the wrong things I done : )
  3. Aha has a point, but it looks like things have progressed far beyond that one issue.

    This is a very difficult situation and there are no quick easy fixes. Do you have someone you can talk to like a local pastor, for instance? Maybe a chaplain, if you're on or near a base? You might want to talk to your local social services agency. Point being, it would be helpful to talk to people who can help you to figure out what your options are and what resources are available to you.

    First of all, you and your children need to be in a safe environment, which probably means that either you leave or he leaves. It's time for him to begin to reap the results of his behavior until he comes to repentance. Now, I don't know you from Eve, and I have to take your view of the situation at face value at this point. It's entirely possible that you have contributed to the problem, but that wouldn't excuse the level to which he has taken this. Sure, if he feels like he'll be condemned for admitting looking at porn, he's likely to lie about it and hide it, but most people don't go from lying and hiding porn habits to verbal abuse, violence, controlling all the finances, etc.

    You need to get out of this situation, and he needs to deal with his own sin. This will probably require a separation. Either he will become sick of his sin and repent, or he will continue down a path of destruction. If he decides the latter, there is no virtue in tagging along to destruction with him. I don't know what his issue is - rebellion, PTSD, immaturity, selfishness, cluelessness - but whatever it is, he needs to get a grip and get some help. A separation may be the shock he needs to wake up. Or, if he won't wake up, it will protect you and your children from some of the harm of his continued bad behavior.

    I'll stop here and let you digest these thoughts. In the meantime, I will be praying about your situation.
  4. Hello

    Sorry to hear this.

    You need to focus on being a Christian wife. You live your life as unto God first. It pleases God that you stay married. Only if there is adultery or if he leaves you will you be sanctified by God to get a divorce. As hard as it is, you must hang in there and pray for him. Direction? Draw closer to Jesus and develop your relationship with Him. Accept the position you are in and be Christ in it. Don't do private things behind his back if you suspect he is. Tit for tat is not Christian. You answer to God alone for your actions one-day as does he. Pray that God delivers him from evil when he is away for a long time. In fact try and pray together before he goes. Harping on porn is not going to solve a problem. There is sadly no quick fix. The root of the problem has to be dealt with and that is love and respect for God.

    Even in his state, don't teach the kids to dis-respect him. Explain to them that he is their father who loves them and that he is just going through a bad patch. I think you can still stay with him if he is not physically beating you.

    If you love and respect God, you will not do hurtful things to him either, like adultery. You need to pray and encourage your husband to respect God too. As his wife you are the first person God would use to influence him.

    It seems when you mention his ex that your relationship is on the rocks. I would have a long and deep discussion with him. Explain to him that you are prepared to stick at the marriage because it pleases God and that you both need to put Him first in your marriage to end all the petty arguments and dis-trust issues.

    I just want to add that the fact that he even went to a single counseling meeting is a good sign. He does want you. He does'nt want the marriage to end. He is just losing his spiritual battle.

    Praying for you!

  5. Sweetie, I mean this with all the love and affection I can muster: Your first job is being a true follower of Christ. Secondarily to that, your second job is to be a Godly wife. And following that, you are to be a Godly mother. God set the order, not me. IMO, you made no mistakes except not putting God first in your life and in your marriage. (I say this because I believe you harbor unforgiveness in your heart for his behavior with the porn and from what you have written, you're not really in this for the long-haul and he can tell it.)

    I can only say these things after 33 years as a Christian, 21 years of marriage to a wonderful man who was not a true, practicing believer when I met him (I was "backsliding", if you will...), and 3 children ranging in ages 20-13. NOT that I am bragging, on the contrary - I am outlining just how many years God has had to save my behind from myself....and, just as the Apostle Paul did, I am explaining to you that I have some insight....albiet a bit different type of insight, but either way, it is God-given insight.... into marriage between two lukewarm believers. (You can read more of my testimony to get more details, if you wish.)

    So, since you are married and have taken vows until death, I would like to gently suggest you examine your heart and conscience and decide to stay no matter what, with very few exceptions. Then, 100% support him, first and foremost in your prayer closet. PRAY for that man like your life depends on it - because, it does, to some degree.
    You stand in the gap for him when he cannot and the temptation is too great. You be his support and show him with your actions (both public and private) that NO ONE will love him like you do. God will honor the right motives of your heart and set this marriage on the path to lifelong success. Simply follow His plan: SEEK HIM WITH YOUR WHOLE HEART, SOUL, MIND AND SPIRIT. Your Father is the one who will change the man's heart and add to your blessings. God 1st. Husband 2nd. Children 3rd. And when you fall down, get back up and try again, putting things back in order, allowing God to dust off your bruised knees and go again.

    One last point I would like to make: He was probably attracted to your individuality and independent nature when he first met you. Husbands typically do not want to be the "be-all-end-all" for their wife; in fact, I would venture to say most husbands are not wired to be the wife's best friend. Find yourself outside of him, try not to be so dependent upon him for your every need. And, find a Godly, Christian woman to hang out with - not to husband bash - but to help each other fill a need for fellowship and encouragement.

    Much love, in Christ, to you. I have a feeling that you can and will change the direction of your life by simply being willing to make some small changes within yourself. A wife who has spent the day with her Lord, and in service to Him, has a shine to her face that is very attractive to her husband. ...or, so I've been told. ;)

    I will be praying for you, sister! :)
  6. It looks like you have gotten great advice there. Ill just say no matter what, you will allways have Jesus.
  7. @armywifecj

    Why do you draw a distinction between faith and reality? What is the reality that is separate from your faith?

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