This is going to be a long letter. I will try to sum it up best I can but PLEASE read and any input is needed! Im 30, have been married for 3.5 yrs. I have a 9 yr old and WE have a 2yr old and a 7month old. My husband is in the Army and we got married way to fast. We barely knew eachother THERES MY FIRST MISTAKE. I was taking a break from dating to concentrate on my job and raising my son. When we met, it just seems like the right time. We got prego right away and were very happy. He deployed 7 months later. I have major issues with porn and was very worried he would turn to that wheile deployed. We even went to therapy to try to create some sort of understanding, boundary, Im not really sure, youd think our VOWS were enough but... Well come too find out, he did give into temptation but what was worse is the amount of lies, betrayal, and games he played. He lied to me for almost the entire year, lied to our pastor, the army chaplin, everyone, crying, begging and saying he was being honest and that it was killing him because i didnt trust him...well he WAS lying! He would make our so-called happy phone calls turn into nightmares because he would flip out and say how annoying I was, and I needed Pills and he wasnt going to be in a marriage where someone didnt trust him..all along he was lying. Just goes to show how deep he went. Another thing that made this worse, was figuring I would try to beat temptation, I would do my own share of private things in hopes to entertain him while gone. And knowing I wasnt good enough...killed me. THis was devastating! But I prayed and forgave him, but didn't forget. WHen he returned we were doing great. He was a man of God, gotten baptized, and active in our Church, a first for him. We then got prego again. 5 months later we had to move and got stationed at CO. One week after moving, we found out we lost our son. I was/am devastated. We were arguing heavily due to the now major trust issues and loosing my son, I couldnt help but think that had something to do with it. I was 5 months..he was a baby! That some how became a issue between us. I was so shocked at how mean, and cruel he could be and talk to me after going thru something like that. I just wanted him to hold me. ANd he was yelling at me about the house being dirty. I understood he was angry so maybe that was his way of dealing. Still not right. We then got prego for a third time only a month later and he deployed 3 months into my pregnancy. Knowing he was going away to temptation again was horrible for me, especially while prego and 2 kiddos at home. Alone. No friends. No family. He got sent home early and was able to make our daughters birth. Still he has become distant from God. Cruel, throwing things, cursing at me, kids and just a wreck to be around. On top of the on going issue of recovery from the first deployment, his lies continued! How on earth can you re build trust when you constantly are tearing it down???!! He would lie about everything big and small. I realized how immature and unhealthy this was for myself and the kids. And then he got physical. Just once, but has done allot of throwing things, yelling, slamming etc which is also a form of abuse. He would take my keys, money, dump out my diaper bag and take my phone. Then he would leave. With me so upset, scared, worried, with no one to help and have the kids around me. These situations happen way to much and every time, I would get more and more angry. I get put down because I try to stand up for myself. He'll threaten to leave. He will leave. He will talk so much trash to his family, making me out to be this horrible insane person. It hurts. He entered counseling several times, and I always say..we'll see how long this one last because he never finishes. He then started a program for sexual addition and anger management and behold...he stopped all of the above! He has seen 6 different people. He says he wants this, but is becoming so horrible. 2 months ago it was it. I decided I wasnt going to put up with this anymore. He is very mulipitive and a compulsive liar. When I had mentioned the thought of leaving, he acted surprised. He then went behind my back and put in our 30 days without me knowing. ANd then left for a week. I havent worked in 3 years and am a full time student so I was shocked and panicked at this news. Then I found out he wasnt going to let me move home with the kids, and would do anything he could to make me stay here. WHich is ridiculous because I dont know anyone here! I need my family, support and friends while making it as a single mother. Obvious he was doing this out of spite. I gave up, knowing I wouldnt be able to leave and no money, he had taken all the money and changed our account info. Another form of his control. I have kids...who does this. I then thought, during all of the betrayal, lies, devastation, hurt and sadness, I have never completely given it to God. So I did. I started reading the Bible. Praying several times a day. Figuring this was the one and only thing I had left to try and save this marriage. If this failed, I knew it would be Gods will. We decided to give it one final go. The very next day, he had lied about going on a dating website and talking with other woman during our 1 week split. This hurt for 2 reasons: 1-he sure moved on after claiming how much he loves us and is heartbroken and 2-Yet another lie! THen 2 days I found out that during that week, he decided to talk to someone that he hadnt talked to in 4 years! And ex girlfriend! His family LOVES her and hates me. SO I was very upset because he betrayed yet again, our vows and allowed another woman to enter our relationship by confiding in her, letting her know some very intimate private details about me, him and our marriage. THEN...after stating this hurt and it was not ok to continue talking to her, he said he would not. Well that was a LIE. SO now, he choose his ex over his wife. ANd hid it from me. I have been praying so hard that God touch is heart again. He has cursed God, become such a negative nasty person. WHen I even mention God, he mocks me, curses me, and will not have any part in it. THis hurt deeply, knowing how he MUST know in the back of his mind just how horrible this is and how he is under spiritual attack. Its been a month and I have been praying and taken the beatings (of being mocked, cursed at, manipulated, lied to) and have started to question my signs, Are things getting worse because this is Gods will? I have been praying and reading and yet things are getting worse. Im caught between wondering if it is only worse BECAUSE Im praying and I need to pray harder and longer, or is this Gods way of letting it be his will? I know that it has gotten worse. He is now rejecting MY son, and is treating him horribly. Something I don't tolerate however when I put my foot down, he makes it as ugly as possible here in the house. He doesn't play or interact with his own 2 children, he stays in our room as me and the kids have popcorn and watch a movie downstairs. He is short, cold and gets annoyed with anything we do. I asked him just today...why are you here? Everything you are doing, points to you not wanting this. He says he does, but can never show it through action! He then turns around and says things like how he is never going to measure up to my scale, how he can never do anything right, how his mess-ups always get thrown in his face etc...I said I have not thrown things in his face but yes, I do hold him accountable. Its almost as if he thinks he can continue lying to someone, and that person is suppose to just sit there unhurt, and forgive time and time again. I forgive him, but dont forget. Thats the other confusion I have. In the Bible, it says to forgive always, but at what point are you considered walked on? At what point do you say no more?! Its so horrible living here. I do school from home, have the 3 kids ALL day, he works from 12am until 8 am and is sleeping most of the day, but when he awakes, he still has responsibilities as a father. But doesn't care to take advantage of the little time he has with the kids, or anything else. I try to leave with all the kids so its quiet in the house but I then get the third degree about being out and whatever else. THis is unhealthy. Definitely. But how do I know when its time to call it quits? I dont want to give up on God and not give him the chance at working this "Miracle". But dont want to be spinning my wheels either. THank you for reading this long story and please..help me see the decision that is clear, or at least point me in the right direction of thought!