I don't know if this will do any good, or if I can even explain in great enough detail how difficult it is to remain a believing Christian. Between being institutionalized at multiple points in my late teens-early 20s, praying for guidance and never receiving it, long bouts of atheism, short spurts of intense belief, and even longer periods of absolute confusion, staying open to the Christian teachings seems almost impossible. Praying feels like a chore and it elevates my anxiety. Not praying triggers guilt. I have given up trying to read the bible everyday, and I have, sadly for my faith, come to the conclusion that even if all the tenets in Christianity are true, I'm better off distancing myself from the religion. I don't want to do it, and something still draws me to Christianity, but my mental health and happiness deteriorate when I devote myself to God and Christianity. If it wasn't a big deal, I wouldn't be posting here, but it is. I want to not be defensive towards God, but for many reasons, there is a wall I have built between us. I will never truly be an atheist, or even agnostic, but I am becoming a believer who truly doesn't care about praying or reading the bible, or even trying to not deliberately sin. I am starting down a path that is selfish, because I feel God is uncaring and unable to have any say in my life. It sounds silly, but that's how it feels when I pray; absolutely empty. I even think that being punished for feeling this way is a sign I just shouldn't even try with Christianity. On top of all of this, I'm philosophical in nature and a natural thinker, so most answers don't suffice my needs. If anyone has any book suggestions that will aid with biblical texts and dealing with immense doubt, I'd be grateful. I have read Lewis and other Christian thinkers and am grateful for their works, but it seems to only be a bandaid to my deep seeded issues. Sorry if this doesn't flow well, I am on my lunch break trying to make sense of everything I've been thinking and feeling lately. I appreciate all answers.