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Step Mom Needs Help

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by lc1975, Jun 11, 2014.

  1. I need prayer and Christian advice on some issues I'm dealing with concerning my husband and stepdaughter. She is 12 years old and lives out of state, and we have her for weekly visits about 4 times a year, as well as for one month in the summer. my husband and I also have a toddler boy of our own.

    My dilemma is that I usually experience anxiety in the days leading up to her visit. My husband and I differ in our opinions of what should be allowed. She is 12 years old, has never stayed home alone before, and refuses to sleep with the lights off at our house. the times that my husband has insisted, she will come wake us up at 2 in the morning complaining that she can't sleep. So my husband allows her to sleep with the television on all night long, and she is allowed to stay up as late as she wants which usually ends up being about 3 a.m. she sleeps on the couch in our living room because we have recently moved and she does not have her own room. At our old house she did have her own room, but she never used it because she was afraid.

    I have talked to my husband about this, but he doesn't see a problem. He feels that since it is summer time and she has no school, she can sleep in any way. I really believe it is because he doesn't know what to do either.

    the other issue is her eating. She is extremely picky and will only eat pizza, chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, and sweets. And the chicken nuggets have to be from a fast food restaurant! in the past, my husband will stop and pick up a $5 takeout cheese pizza, which she will eat on for 2 or 3 days. I cannot believe this is what they permit her to do at home, but my husband says they do. I just can't stand this, what am I to do? Part of me says that I should let my husband handle it, but what about when my son is old enough to realize that she has rules about these things and she doesn't? plus I don't want to be the wicked stepmother, lately it seems like I'm the one ruining all of the fun.

    when we were first married, my husband agreed with me and we tried to be strict about some things, but it seems however hard we try, she goes home and is allowed to revert to her old way of doing things and everything we have done feels like it comes undone. he is afraid that she will not want to keep visiting if he makes every visit a struggle.

    I have prayed about this, but she is coming this weekend for another visit and I'm faced with the same old anxiety. I need some realistic solutions!
  2. Hello, boy I feel for you, I'll be praying for the next 1/2 hour or so, if you don't mind of course) and I'll share some thoughts. Blessings...
  3. The reason I said I felt for you and that I'd pray is because I'm a former step-dad and I know exactly how you feel. I fell away from God in my teenage years and I met Sharon (who is now my wife) at college and she was at the time going through a divorce and had a young son. Despite the advice of my godly mother I went ahead and moved in with her feeling quite confident about the situation until things turned nasty with her ex-husband. We got on okay at first but then the fists started flying and no matter how much I wanted to make things right with him I just couldn't. As the months rolled on our relationship got worse, he had visitation every second weekend and when he came round I would just get out of the way incase I hit him. Problem was that everytime he went away with his Dad, his Dad allowed him to do what he liked and when he came back, it always took a couple of days for him to realise he was back at home, very confusing.

    It was a bit of a war I'm afraid to say, we kept things quite balanced whereas he bought toys endlessly and spoke very badly of us during that time. It was a shame but that was just the way it was. Then, I returned to the Lord in a bit of a sorry state and at the same time Sharon gave her life to Jesus which was just amazing and it obviously changed things quite dramatically in our family. One day a couple of years later, I got a chance to chat properly to his father with a sound, balanced and Christian head and offered to drive him home and he mentioned the fact that I seemed so different now that I was a Christian. I turned and said him, " ****, there's plenty room in the father's house for you too". He just kind of looked at me but later I'd heard he had asked our Pastor round to talk and there and then he gave his life to Jesus.

    A couple of years after that, **** died of a brain-tumor and I took over the role as Jamie's father as promised to **** and the rest at the moment is history. The advice I would give from one who has been in a similar position is there is no magic fix, there's just too many elements outwith your control however, God always has his plans as you can see from the above but these plans tend to worked out over a longer period of time. It might not be in your case but generally these are longer term issues worked out with the Lord over time and as long as you are the praying wife, God will do great things through your situation.

    If I were you, I would submit myself to God and to my husband and support him all the way being sensitive to God's leading whenever the situation arises in the future. I'm sure you do, but please understand the young girl, she obviously has issues due to the broken marriage etc which I'm sure she doesn't understand herself.

    Please let me know at this point whether this is the advice your looking for, you can easily PM me if you'd rather talk....
  4. I'll certainly say a prayer for you.
  5. May the LORD give you wisdom in this...
  6. thank you all for your prayers, and thanks so much christianbacktobasics for the advice. I do agree this situation isn't easy on her, & I constantly try to keep her in mind in all of this. in spite of these issues, she really is a well behaved young lady with a good heart, just confused due to lack of boundaries. I worry that this will lead her more into using manipulative behavior to get what she wants.
    I agree my role is to be supportive and to keep praying for wisdom. I'm hoping God will open opportunities, and as she gets older she will develop wisdom of her own. Thank you all for the prayers :)
  7. Aw bless you and I hope the advice helped somewhat, like I said I really feel for you and we will be praying. You seem like such an open and honest individual and you seem like you so much want to do the right thing in the Lord and I've no doubt God is well pleased with HIS girl! I guarantee you, God will honour you, just let him work through you. Lots of good Christians here on CFS for advice if you need it....
  8. I have a son from a previous marriage and two younger sons with my wife. I had 40 % custody, so we had this problem throughout the year. We made rules and stuck to them for the best of all the children. This made my oldest angry over time and he left at the age of 15 and won't come back. I felt resentment for agreeing to set standards I knew would push him away. I did it for the younger ones. So if you can find a way to tolerate her for 4 weeks a year, and you don't want to estrange her from your husband, do your best to get along. One thing that might help is to have heartfelt talks with her about her future and what she cares about, and maybe she may see that she should take better care of herself. Show her how much she is loved.
  9. Thank you, its good to hear from people who have been in this position! She got here Sat and ive been praying a lot for peace and so far so good. Last night at dinner I could almost imagine her thoughts as she sat at the table with leftover pizza while her 1 year old brother gnawed on corn on the cob, bbq ribs and potato salad...lol. Im hoping we will have some impact on her in the next 3 weeks! Thanks for the prayers and advice!
  10. God bless you, you will be in our thoughts and prayers over the next few weeks....

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