Some Advice Wanted

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by MartinH, May 27, 2014.

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  1. Hello,
    My wife left me at the end of Febuary this year and sort of gave her reasons, but made the decision herself without asking me first or giving me any warning that she is not happy and that she feels our marriage is/was not working. We have not even been married two years when she walked out.
    I don't want to feel this way but as she has not spoken to me for nearly two months now, I am starting to get closer to my point of no return - the point at which I give up and move on accepting she is not coming back.
    I am a Christian and so is she, and my beliefs on marriage, even before I became a Christian, is that the couple should work together through all times including tough. We even said so in our vows. There is no way I can contact her as she wont talk to me anymore.

    However I am edging nearer to the point that I will move on and it scares me. She has started the divorce by issuing me with a draft divorce petition. So I feel that saving the marriage really is not going to happen. Obviously there is a lot of details, that I can't disclose; I wasn't abusive she just felt we don't have the connection she used to feel.

    The advice I want is: Today, a new girl started at work as the receptionist, she is an attractive girl - and I don't mean to judge someone by their looks, personality is, of course, also important - but I feel I would like to get to know her. I haven't said anything to her yet, other than a nice "Hello", but I feel that maybe God has brought her to this job for a reason, and is the reason me? Is this my way forward - my "reward" as such?

    I don't want to jump in and demand a date, but I would like to get to know her outside of work. It would be difficult as most of my colleagues are male but well over her age, although I don't actually know her age, but I am sure they are older, so not really "competition".

    Can I ask her for her number, or Facebook? I understand I will have to tell her my current situation, I don't want to lie to her, and if we do become friends on Facebook she will see evidence of my marriage.

    When is an appropriate time to move on?
    I'm not saying I will sleep with her, it'll be just dates.
  2. Why did you marry her if you don't even love her enough to stick through it?
  3. It's not me who's giving up, it's her. She walked out on me. There's nothing I can do or say to her to make her come back.

    I said I was coming to the point of no return, not that I've made any decision yet, which is why I am here asking for this advice - that you haven't actually answered.
  4. All I am saying is this. If you really love her you will wait it out. Pray to God, If she doesn't turn around, THEN move on.

    That's my advice. But someone else probably has a better answer.
  5. You are still married. Dating isn't an option as a Christian. God saved my marriage recently and if you put Him first and trust he will bless your marriage. The mistake is coming to God out of fear of losing your wife. Come to Him with love and wanting to know Him better. He will reward you in the end.
  6. What!! THe OP isn't even divorced and he is looking at meeting someone to start a relationship with!!???? That is TOTALY backwards. YOU are still married, Dude. Don't even look at another woman in that way! If the OP is already looking for someone else, he SERIOUSLY needs counseling. Get thee to a counselor. Preferably a Christian counselor and NOT a pastor. :speechless:
    TezriLi likes this.
  7. I have been praying about it since she left, and haven't had a response to say she is coming back. I know the response wont be instant, but I would have thought something would have happened by now?
    I just really feel that the marriage is not going to be saved and I am starting to feel that even if it did, I wont be able to put my all in as I used to - because of what's happened. I'm not saying I want it to happen, I just feel it's going to and it wont be long as she has started the divorce.

    What should I do about the new girl at work? How can I start a converstaion with her and ask her if she might be interested in meeting outside of work? She must have joined for a reason, why can't it be God giving me a new girl?
  8. Not every attractive girl who you see in life is Godsent. You are married already.
  9. You are married. No one here will give you advice to find another woman.
  10. Let me add my 2 cents like everyone else!! It sounds like you have already shut the door with your wife.. Even if she comes back and says she is ready to work out the marriage, I feel you are not ready.. You cannot give up.. When we have problems like mountains, we are not supposed to give up.. we are supposed to give over to Jesus.. We were also once lost without any hope.. But God saved us.. The same Lord is "able" to save your marriage.. So first advice is, don't give up and don't shut the doors..

    Regarding this new girl.. NO.. She is not sent to you by God as a reward.. Plain and simple! You are still married.. This is Biblical.. James 1:13 says,

    And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, "God is tempting me." God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else.

    Have you prayed about this entire situation? Try to focus more on Jesus.. Wait upon the Lord.. That's the best thing to do.. And it is also the most difficult thing to do in these situations.. Often we face a challenge and start praying to God to change the situation.. But we rarely realize the change is actually needed within our heart.. When married couple run into problem, it always sounds like we have done everything we can and the other person is not receptive.. But we forget to realize how much we have hardened our own heart.. Only Jesus can soften that.. That is why it is important to go on knees and pray to Him.. He will change us..
  11. My wife and I have been separated for almost fifteen months. I know the anxiety and desperation you feel. I'm standing for the healing and restoration of my marriage and family.
    You're gonna have to take a stand, and stick with it. You can not waver in any way. I know the distractions and temptations are out there.
    This is a long road to be on, but the glory of God revealed in the healing and restoration of my marriage and family outweighs any temporal thoughts or feelings.
    For God to send you a new girl, God would have to be a liar because He said,
    ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” (Mark 10:7-9 NLT)
    For all reading this, I would greatly appreciate your prayers for my wife, my family, and for me. Thanks
  12. The first paragraph I was completely on your side, and thought, "Wow! She left you without any warning."

    Second paragraph had me a little confused. You said you weren't abusive, and there is details that you can't disclose.

    Third paragraph I feel we start getting to the nitty gritty. You're attracted to the "new girl." Its been 2 months since you have talked to your wife, and at what point did you start having feelings for the "new girl."? You said, "I feel that maybe God has brought her to this job for a reason, and is the reason me?" The answer is no, no, no. Marriage is a covenant between you, your wife, and God.

    It's only been two months brother, and you're already thinking about a new relationship? IMHO, that shows what type of love you had/have for your wife. Giving up on your wife should not be a thought in your mind. Forget the receptionist, show your wife you love her. Email her, Facebook her, send her flowers, pray, fast, do something. Be like gonefishing, be like Hosea, be steadfast, have faith like Abraham and don't give up!
    TezriLi likes this.
  13. I didn't mean can't disclose, I meant it would be difficult and complicated - taking up paragraphs of probably boring text explaining the whole situation.

    I've tried contacting my wife, and sending her flowers, she simply ignores me, she wont answer or meet up to talk. I've prayed, I've spoken to christian friends and they have prayed, they have tried talking to her - I don't know what they spoke about, but I can imagine it will not be bad advice.

    I've even recieved the divorce papers in the post today. It would cost to much to defend and she is most likely to win.
    At the end of the day, it's my wifes loss - if she can't stick out the bad times, then what's the point? Why can't I find someone who is more mature and willing to work for a relationship and not run away when it's tough?
    I don't think I will be able to put my all into the marriage like I used to either.

    It's not that I have feelings for this new girl, I hardly know her. It's just that I feel that she is in the job for a reason - other than she needs a job, she could have worked anywhere.
    I'm not saying I'm going to sleep with her straight away, or maybe even at all, because I know that wouldn't do me any good. I just wanted to befriend her and see what happens.

    I'm not saying that my feelings are right either, but we all know God works in mysterious ways, which is why I'm asking.

    I understand what you've all said but as you, obviously, don't know the entire situation, because it would be difficult to explain it, I guess you can't actually give reasonable advice.

    Thank you for your help though.
  14. If you truly love your wife, and want the marriage to work - don't give up yet. My wife and I opened our home to several friends/family members this past year, who had no shelter. The mans wife suddenly left him, they lost their townhome and he came knocking on our door with his eldest daughter and my eldest son. (his daughter and my son are engaged). Later on, his youngest daughter also moved in with us. Long story short, we prayed and talked with them and they saw how we lived as a family in Christ. Just within the last few months, he has reunited and moved back together with his wife and daughters. They are no longer considering divorce, and last Sunday, we attended the baptism of this man, his wife and youngest daughter. The eldest daughter re-dedicated herself to Jesus. They are all attending counseling and their new church home. God does perform miracles - what is impossible for man is possible for God. Amen! :D
    TezriLi likes this.
  15. How can you say we can't give reasonable advice? Everyone here has given you biblical advice, and do not need to know every single detail to come to a conclusion.

    The main point is, you are still married and should not be thinking about the receptionist. Keep praying, and trust in God.
    TezriLi likes this.
  16. I understand what you've all said but as you, obviously, don't know the entire situation, because it would be difficult to explain it, I guess you can't actually give reasonable advice.

    It sounds like you want permission to ignore the word of God and carry on like nothing ever happened. I told my situation, which apparently you have no compassion for. A hard heart can not be in tune with the Holy Spirit, you're on dangerous ground right now. The enemy is on the prowl, don't give him a foothold.
    TezriLi likes this.
  17. I'm not quite sure what advice you're looking for, Martin. Is it advice on how to deal with your wife walking, how to win your wife back, or how to pursue the receptionist at your work?

    The most obvious advice I can offer is the same advice many others have given you, which is pursuing any relationship right now, outside of your current one, even if there is a lot of work to be done, would be a bad idea. In fact, it would be severely wrong to go outside of your marriage, even if it was your wife that walked, not you.

    I don't know the difficulty of a spouse jumping ship on a relationship and the feelings that go along with it, but try to remember what Christ called for us to do and that your marriage, whether your wife wants to accept it or not, is a vocation--not mere coupling.
    TezriLi likes this.
  18. Martin, I'm with the others here, in the eyes of your Lord you are still married, ...until the divorce is final!

    Have you considered this, if your wife divorces you she is the guilty party and you are the victim, but, you are the head of the marriage and if you start a relationship with another woman you will be just as guilty if not more as you wife in the spiritual realm, and in the secular world it could be used against you in court to your ruin financially,, we are all trying to warn you, if you go through with this you will be playing ball in the devil's ballpark.

    Now, the other side of the coin, is the receptionist saved, born again? If not then we are instructed to not be unequally yoked, if you go ahead and eventually marry her your father-in-law will be the devil, ...and the end result will be divorce number two for you.

    If she is a faithful sister, strong in the Word she will shut you down in an instant, if she isn't then you will cause her to sin, is that what you really want for someone you are considering for a marriage partner? Remember love does not hurt other people willfully and intentionally.

    Now what if you remain faithful to God's Word and pray for His direction in this matter, forgetting the receptionist and concentrating on your marriage, being faithful to your vows that you both took before Him, praying for Him to fill you with His Agape love for her, ...if He brings your wife back then you will be the winner, if it doesn't work out then, and only then, if you pursue the receptionist you will both be starting with a clean slate and you will have remained faithful to your Lord.


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  19. Gene - I respectfully disagree with your statement about "if she divorces him she is at fault". In a divorce, both are at fault to some extent. We don't know the entire situation and cannot say who is the person "causing" the divorce. Who knows, maybe the OP is not living up to his obligations as a husband and maybe he is not telling us the compete story. THERE ARE ALWAYS 2 SIDES TO A DIVORCE AND NEITHER IS BLAMELESS - even if there is infidelity.
    TezriLi likes this.
  20. #20 JustPassingThru, May 29, 2014
    Last edited: May 29, 2014
    No worries SparkleEyes, I agree with you that in a marriage both sides makes mistakes and because of that fact is why we make vows before God (honor and cherish, in sickness and health, 'til death do we part) to hold us together in times like this, and often it's only that commitment that hold couples together, but if they are both faithful to the vow (and not necessarily the other person) they made to God He will turn the marriage around, ...the tuff times are usually used by Him to point out the problems each one has and to cause them to repent and love one another again, ...I like this statement and I find it apropos for these times,

    I can't change my heart, but I can change my will,
    God won't change my will, but He can change my heart,
    If I change my will, God will change my heart.

    If the couple will remain faithful to their marriage vows God can work in the marriage, but who ever decides to ignore their vow before God and divorces their mate, then they have broken their vow to God and to their partner, hence in the spiritual realm, before God, that person is the guilty party and the other partner is the victim, whether it be the husband or the wife, that is the meat of what Jesus taught in Matt 5,

    But I say to you that whoever shall put away his wife, except for the cause of fornication... Mat 5:32


    TezriLi and God is Love say Amen and like this.
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