Should I Give Up Or Still Love?

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Shael, May 8, 2013.

  1. In summary, I'm in a relationship with a man 10yrs older than me and there's a problem : His ex who is one year younger than him. Actually, they are not going out, but then they stopped talking after the break-up and then a few months later, they became "friends" again on facebook. I don't know to what extent they do communicate of late but everything that she posts shows she's still in love with him. He's also been a bit withdrawn of late. Not calling, or looking for me. Since we hardly see each other, there's no guarantee there's emotional fidelity between the two of us. Online, he gives the impression that his ex and him are quite close but i've not confronted him about the situation since we are all christians and we trust God to do his will. However, i feel very insecure and I think my relationship may go to shambles because of her. What should i do? Should i break up with him or should I continue the relationship, wait? I need counsel.
  2. Hello Shael, and welcome to the forum.

    First we must address your 'heart condition'. I am assuming you came to this site because you are Christian and/or desire a Christian perspective. as you know we base our lives on the Word of God which is the Bible, The Lord Jesus Christ's living testimony and revelation by the Holy Spirit in prayer and meditation on the Word.

    That being said: are you 'saved'? Have you accepted Jesus Christ the Living Son of the Living God and Creator of all as your personal Savior form an eternity of Hell because of sin? Do you understand that the only way to Heaven in eternity is having Faith through the Grace of God in Jesus Christ for His payment (work) that He did on the cross at Calvary? Do you know that 'good works' & deeds, church attendance, religious rituals, tithing and giving will not get you into Heaven? There is one way-through Faith in Jesus Christ and for waht He did for ALL of us.

    If you would like to talk more about Salvation, I would be more than happy to do so and show you in the Bible 'how' to be saved. Jesus Christ is concerned with the condition of our hearts.

    That all being said; when it comes to relationships, God's plan for the family starts in Genesis 1 & 2 in the Bible. It is expressed in the New Testament more clearly as the Apostle Paul teaches many things about marital relationships as well. You need to understand that God intends for One Man to be with (wed) One Woman until 'death do you part'. God does not make provision for boyfriend-girlfriend relationship or pre-marital relationships. The intent of a relationship is for the 'marriage' of the two to be considered 'one flesh': to "cleave" one to another. That bond is not to be broken by any human method as 'marriage' is a sanctified institution be God.

    The Bible also teaches that believers should not marry unbelievers. Christians are not to be “unequally yoked” to those with different beliefs. I believe this should also apply to people seeking remarriage and singles looking to court divorcees. All relationships take work, but each person should enter into the relationship on equal footing.

    As Christians, our #1 priority is our relationship to Jesus Christ-this takes precedent over parents, spouses, children, friends, siblings and even priests.
  3. Thanks so much. But then how would you know God has called you to become one flesh with someone when it's a choice yourself and the person must make?
  4. I guess you could call it 'Holy Spirit' communication-If you both have the Spirit-The THREE of you make a covenant of marriage.

    The human body is the 'Temple of the Holy Spirit'; but you must first invite Him in-then you commit to obeying Christ/ the Spirit if you are a Christian. If both man and woman are walking in the same faith towards the Lord, marriage is indeed a good possibility. All God given blessings require some kind of a 'sacrifice'. When you become a Christian-you give-up (sacrifice) following the world's ways-especially in relationship making when seeking the LORD.

    The recipe for success in Christianity: Worship (& obey) the LORD, read your Bible, Meditate on the Word, Pray to the Father in the name of the Father Son & Holy Spirit, fast when needed, fellowship with Bible believing Christians and repeat.

    Seek good counsel when facing any life changing decision: God-the Word, Spirit, parents, siblings, friends, Pastor, and Brothers and Sisters in Christ.
  5. Are we talking an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend? I'm guessing since you said the "breakup" and not "divorce" that we're talking about an ex-girlfriend. While there are some similarities, each has a different set of problems.
  6. an ex-girlfriend
  7. True salvation is the key to start communing with the Spirit and communicating with Christ. It starts with obedience and studying the Word (Holy Bible).

    We must first fix our own human 'heart condition' by realizing we are sinners compared to a Holy God and need are in need of a Savior. You have to know the root cause of the problem before you can begin to fix the problem. The problems in our relationships usually start with our own personal acceptance of sin...and the rebellion against owning up to what God considers sin-not what we 'think' is okay to do. That's why he gave us the 'law' (The Bible) to reveal to us what 'sin' is.
  8. I only have a dim picture of the history of these relationships, so it is difficult to confidently advise. On-line or long distance relationships are difficult to maintain for a number of reasons. The nature of such relationships also makes it difficult to know what is going on in another's mind because you have fewer clues.

    In my opinion, if a man is worthy of pursuing, then by all means pursue them. But, if their attentions and intentions are on someone else, you invite trouble by placing yourself in competition with the other "candidates" for his affections. In other words, it is not your job to compete with his ex. It is his decision whom he wishes to relate to. Your job is to seek to be an excellent and upright woman of God. Such a woman rarely lacks for suitors, and she must use her wisdom in her responses to them.

    When you say you are "in a relationship" with this man, what is the nature of that relationship? Is it a mutually recognized romantic relationship with the ultimate object of marriage? If so, his communications and relationship with his ex may be crossing a boundary. It seems her communication with him is inappropriate if he considers himself to be romantically attached to you. I don't know how he is responding to her posts, so I can't comment on where his heart is at.

    I could analyze and speculate on the dynamics here more, but I think I will cut to the chase for the moment. Have you discussed his dealings with his ex and made clear your concerns? If so, has he responded candidly and clearly to those concerns? If he knows it bothers you, the right thing to do would be for him to cut off communications with his ex. If he is having doubts and indecision, I would regard him as a friend with potential future romantic possibilities rather than a current boyfriend. This frees both of you from expectations and entanglements that work against each other.

    Should you continue to love? Yes, certainly you should continue Agape, even phileo, but eros will have to wait its turn.
    Dirtyrottensinner likes this.
  9. Always give 1st preference to God's word, Next Love yourself then third person. If you are feeling that insecure means he is not that close to you. In that case why do you want to still be with him? Search for God's wisdom, Pray to GOD, He will give you a Good life partner with whom you will never feel insecure. And remember Love should be always 2 way & not 1 way. Good luck!
    Rusty likes this.

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