Well, I got something unexpected today from the forums! Someone posted videos of a band and stated they do sacrifices on stage and other stuff. I watched the videos and I have to say that I skipped most of it. It brought up memories that weren't very pleasing of when I was in a very dark place in my life and Satan was trying to pull me away from Christ again. The videos did not trigger any sin, nor did they make me want to sin, but they reminded me of my preferred sin... I started thinking about it, and I'm honestly not sure if I would ever share my testimony with anyone in detail. I would say that CosmicWaffle knows more than anyone else here (but even he doesn't know much) and that was shared through PM. I don't think that you guys would kick me out if you knew everything, but I'm fairly certain people wouldn't want to have discussions with me in a private setting anymore. I don't mind being rejected, so I'm not really concerned about that, but I do feel that deep down (or maybe not so deep) I still have those desires. Despite all the reading I do in my Bible and all the prayers I still feel like a very sick person. I still desire all the perverted things I did then and I catch myself missing them sometimes. I immediately pray almost every time... but it's hard to give something up that was such a huge part of you for so long, even if it was a bad part. My desires have lessened to a degree that I feel I have control over them. It's been a long time... and I know I'm not going back. If I do then I won't be returning. I know the seriousness of leaving again so I do whatever I can to avoid it. Is it wrong to keep these things hidden? My wife doesn't even know because she made it clear she didn't want to know anything about my pornography use. I don't know if I could tell her even if she asked. I feel like that dark mass inside of me has been locked away and I've been trying for so long to compact it and toss it away. At times I think I should write it all out and send it to someone just so someone could know what I've been through, even if it was all in my mind... and what I would have been without Christ. I would have been a monster and more so than I already am for having the thoughts I do. I fight and fight to rid myself of them but I can't control my dreams. I can't control the images that pop into my mind before I can scream for God to protect me from them. My flesh still wants it. Some people crave an adulterous lifestyle. Some crave alcohol or drugs. Others enjoy lying. Mine is something different. We all have our vices, but I have to say that I pray God takes this from me. It's like no matter how much I read I still have bouts where I have to fight with everything I have against the desires I have inside to be something evil. We all have the sin inside us that wants to consume us. I don't want to say that mine is worse than what others have, but I will say that it would be very high on the list of naughty things that ought not to be done. I have come so far with Christ. Even a year ago I was still wretched. I desired God but my flesh wanted to enjoy sin. It was a daily struggle for me. I would read my Bible and then sin... I would revel in my sickness and enjoy thinking how evil I was. Christ has cleaned me but my flesh is still weak to the thoughts. Through Him I can do anything. My desire to learn His Word and pray has grown. Would a full sharing of my evil life be beneficial to others, or would hearing all the nasty details just repulse? I don't really know. People on the outside look at me and call me a good person. They say they share things with me they wouldn't with others because I'm not judgmental but they don't know me. I'm anything but good. I'm nasty and unclean. Only Christ knows all of me and He accepts me despite it. He loves my dirty evil self and cleans me up daily even when I feel like fighting Him...like a mother washing a child. I can't describe it. How could He love me when He knows my every thought and desire? I don't even deserve to be used by Him, but when He calls I will answer. The dirtier you are the more awesome Grace feels. I'm sorry for the long, pointless post. I just wanted to type everything I was feeling out. Hopefully someone will get something out of it.