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Sharing My Testimony?

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by Huntingteckel, May 31, 2014.

  1. Well, I got something unexpected today from the forums! Someone posted videos of a band and stated they do sacrifices on stage and other stuff. I watched the videos and I have to say that I skipped most of it. It brought up memories that weren't very pleasing of when I was in a very dark place in my life and Satan was trying to pull me away from Christ again. The videos did not trigger any sin, nor did they make me want to sin, but they reminded me of my preferred sin...

    I started thinking about it, and I'm honestly not sure if I would ever share my testimony with anyone in detail. I would say that CosmicWaffle knows more than anyone else here (but even he doesn't know much) and that was shared through PM. I don't think that you guys would kick me out if you knew everything, but I'm fairly certain people wouldn't want to have discussions with me in a private setting anymore. I don't mind being rejected, so I'm not really concerned about that, but I do feel that deep down (or maybe not so deep) I still have those desires. Despite all the reading I do in my Bible and all the prayers I still feel like a very sick person. I still desire all the perverted things I did then and I catch myself missing them sometimes. I immediately pray almost every time... but it's hard to give something up that was such a huge part of you for so long, even if it was a bad part.

    My desires have lessened to a degree that I feel I have control over them. It's been a long time... and I know I'm not going back. If I do then I won't be returning. I know the seriousness of leaving again so I do whatever I can to avoid it.

    Is it wrong to keep these things hidden? My wife doesn't even know because she made it clear she didn't want to know anything about my pornography use. I don't know if I could tell her even if she asked. I feel like that dark mass inside of me has been locked away and I've been trying for so long to compact it and toss it away. At times I think I should write it all out and send it to someone just so someone could know what I've been through, even if it was all in my mind... and what I would have been without Christ. I would have been a monster and more so than I already am for having the thoughts I do.

    I fight and fight to rid myself of them but I can't control my dreams. I can't control the images that pop into my mind before I can scream for God to protect me from them. My flesh still wants it. Some people crave an adulterous lifestyle. Some crave alcohol or drugs. Others enjoy lying. Mine is something different. We all have our vices, but I have to say that I pray God takes this from me. It's like no matter how much I read I still have bouts where I have to fight with everything I have against the desires I have inside to be something evil.

    We all have the sin inside us that wants to consume us. I don't want to say that mine is worse than what others have, but I will say that it would be very high on the list of naughty things that ought not to be done.

    I have come so far with Christ. Even a year ago I was still wretched. I desired God but my flesh wanted to enjoy sin. It was a daily struggle for me. I would read my Bible and then sin... I would revel in my sickness and enjoy thinking how evil I was. Christ has cleaned me but my flesh is still weak to the thoughts. Through Him I can do anything. My desire to learn His Word and pray has grown.

    Would a full sharing of my evil life be beneficial to others, or would hearing all the nasty details just repulse? I don't really know. People on the outside look at me and call me a good person. They say they share things with me they wouldn't with others because I'm not judgmental but they don't know me. I'm anything but good. I'm nasty and unclean. Only Christ knows all of me and He accepts me despite it. He loves my dirty evil self and cleans me up daily even when I feel like fighting Him...like a mother washing a child. I can't describe it. How could He love me when He knows my every thought and desire? I don't even deserve to be used by Him, but when He calls I will answer. The dirtier you are the more awesome Grace feels.

    I'm sorry for the long, pointless post. I just wanted to type everything I was feeling out. Hopefully someone will get something out of it.
    Heart_for_Christ, Ravindran and Where is the Messiah says Amen and like this.
  2. The devil wants you to be ashamed and keep your darkest secrets hidden because it keeps you from solving them and remaining ashamed of yourself. When you struggle with something sinister that is the time when you need others. It takes courage to tell people your secrets. If you continue to think people will judge you and reject you then you will never be able to experience people who are compassionate for what you are going through. True human relationships are the way to healing, sure you might experience ignorant people when you open up, but it is worth it to experience loving people who can help you. It is obvious you know what you are tempted by is evil and you don't want anything to do with it, as humans we all have sin in our hearts, none of us should judge another. I commend you for your bravery in posting this thread. God bless you.
  3. So are you willing to accept that you may have some real issues in doctrine that are allowing these weakness and sin to control you? Are you willing to accept the godly counsel of others or only those who agree with you?
    God is Love likes this.
  4. Well, Huntingteckel, what I see is a beautifully written testimony expressed with courage, and despite some fear of man, you are willing to reveal personal weakness---something we all have---and your willingness to follow Jesus and to lay down your sin and pick up your cross is evident. Blessings to you.
  5. Who would I tell? What I've posted so far is more than I've ever said about it. I think that if I was talking to someone that I felt would benefit from all the gory details then I would probably share it but I haven't come across any situation like that yet.

    I'm a baby christian so I'm constantly growing in my beliefs. I'd be happy to listen to any advice you may have.
    Is that a testimony? I didn't know what it would turn out to be when I started typing.
  6. Yes, you have presented a testimony! :)
  7. We have each a measure of faith, and this forum have a lot of members of the body of Christ with greater faith than I have….

    so, why not benefit from it…. pray for me as well : )

    James 5:13-18
    New King James Version (NKJV)
    Meeting Specific Needs
    13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing psalms. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 16 Confess your trespasses[a] to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. 17 Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed earnestly that it would not rain; and it did not rain on the land for three years and six months. 18 And he prayed again, and the heaven gave rain, and the earth produced its fruit.
  8. #8 God is Love, May 31, 2014
    Last edited: May 31, 2014
    I'm not talking about other people benefiting from you telling your experience, i'm talking about YOU benefiting from telling your experience. If you are willing to accept the 2 questions Mitspa asked you then you are on the right track. What you need to realize is that you don't need to be shamed into keeping secrets (the gory details in this case) to yourself. That's where I think the problem stems, feeling like you will be rejected. Once you realize this is a false you will be able to see more clearly the problem and the solutions. Besides, who wants to deal with every problem they have by themselves? We are apart of the body of Christ (even if this is only a website and not a church) and are suppose to help each other, especially when the other is weak in a certain area. Maybe start talking to people you trust on this site first about the gory details. Take small steps. You've already stepped onto the first stone across the river, you've already made progress. I'm only trying to give help, do what is comfortable for you at the moment though. Once again I commend you on taking the first step of realizing you need help. It's always scary to realize you can't handle something by yourself.
  9. I wasn't aware that I needed any help other that God's. I don't know if I would really mind telling someone about it, but the only person I'm really close to is my wife and she has made it clear she doesn't want to know anything about it.

    I don't know if I'm necessarily too concerned with being rejected. If I was concerned about fitting in I probably wouldn't hold the views that I do that disagree with the mainstream.

    I've never really had friends so I'm not sure if I was actively trying to hide anything or not. I probably wouldn't just post anything other than my consuming obsession with pornography on an open forum. I've stated many times that I have had issues with that and the issues I mentioned above are really just what you can expect with porn addiction. It's like drugs. You just want a bigger better high each time. Sooner or later soft stuff isn't enough. Then you find the bondage porn and torture porn. Then you want to do that stuff in real life. I guess that's normal of suffering porn addicts. I'm not really sure.

    In reality maybe that is all it is. Just sexually perverse thoughts that I would never act on. I honestly feel God has cleaned me of most of it. I still have thoughts on occasion, but I don't dwell on them like in the past. I pretty much cut the thought off immediately and pray. I imagine it just takes time to rid yourself of that entirely. I used to spend hours in fantasies.
  10. #11 JustPassingThru, Jun 1, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2014
    Dear Brother,

    Let's start with this, let the signification of what it says, what it means, sink deep into your soul,

    For we have not an High Priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Heb 4:15

    Do you see what that is saying?

    It's saying Jesus was tempted with the same things that you are being tempted with today!

    You are not alone and your sin is not as bad as the devil wants you to believe, sin is sin, ...have you ever been high on drugs with a license to kill and killed someone in in cold blood? Have you ever watched a 50 cal rip apart, disintegrate the body of a child? Have you ever poisoned a water supply to kill a whole village?

    You see bro, the enemy of our souls will try and tell us we are bad Christians because of our past, will try to entice us to go back to them, but all he can do is remind us, his power over us was broken on the Cross Col 2:14, 15 PTL, though our sin was as scarlet we have been washed by the Blood of the Lamb, we are now, today whiter than snow, don't ever forget that, ....Peter tells us all he can do is roar, he can't attack!

    "Despite all the reading I do in my Bible and all the prayers I still feel like a very sick person."

    We are as clean as Jesus, His righteousness has been credited to our accounts, ...it's not just reading to have head knowledge, ...but what has been revealed to you, taught to you by the Holy Spirit has to descend to your heart and be worked out, manifested in your life.

    "I still desire all the perverted things I did then and I catch myself missing them sometimes."

    So do I and every child of God, if they are honest, will admit the same thing, it's the old carnal nature that is still with us until the day we leave this tent behind.

    "My desires have lessened to a degree that I feel I have control over them."

    And there is the problem, you are trying to have control over them and you will never be able to defeat them, sin comes from the devil, the most powerful and wisest creation of God and even though he has been defeated the sin principles are still in effect,

    ...the only way we can have the victory is through the Holy Spirit, He is more powerful than the devil and sin, take the verse above, Jesus was tempted by the same pornographic temptations as you, did He try to control the temptation? No, He defeated the temptation with Scripture, It is written! and that is how you and I overcome the temptations that are thrown at us.

    Brother, I read where you have said you speed read through the Bible, and look where you are today, we are called sheep, sheep are ruminants, they chew the cud, slow way down and let the Word speak to you, just one verse or maybe just a few words in one verse can feed you, chew on it, ruminate. The Holy Spirit gives us life verses, those are verses that we use during our times of temptations, to overcome, ...here is a life verse I use when tempted by porn or lust,

    Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Php 4:8

    Say it out loud when the temptation comes into you mind and you will find the temptation will lose it's power, that's not to say it won't come back, the devil is persistent, he might present the same temptation 30 times in one minute, but every time he does use your life verse to overcome the temptation.

    ...remember a temptation comes from the devil, but Father looks at it as just a test of our faith and He is faithful to give us the necessary verse to resist the temptation, ...but if you are reading a hundred miles an hour you miss a lot of scenery, you don't/can't/ hear what the Spirit is whispering to you.

    Be of good courage my brother, Jesus is the Author and the Finisher of our faith and He is faithful to complete the work He has started in us, ...we are going to heaven, the road is rocky with lots of snares, but our Jesus promised He would never leave us or forsake us, I don't know if you have ever been in a bad situation where you are away from home and can't wait for the time to go home, but let me assure you, WE ARE GOING HOME, ...soon and very soon!


    Heart_for_Christ, God is Love and Euphemia says Amen and like this.

  11. I know you did a fairly long post, and I do appreciate it. I say that so that you don't feel like I didn't read it because I did.

    I said that I pray whenever I have any sinful thoughts and that I call on God. I don't have control over much, but I do feel that we have to be trying to stay away from sin. If we aren't then I doubt God is going to step in and stop all my sin because as far as I can tell no one is perfect. That's why I meant by that. I pray all the time and God gives me the strength to resist but He gives me the strength because I ask for it similarly to the way I asked Him to save me.

    I am not going to read my Bible less no matter what you or anyone else says. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I have study time and reading time. When I talk about reading nine chapters a day, I mean reading. I rarely ever talk about how many chapters I study a day because it varies. I actually rarely ever even do a full chapter of study a day. I usually pick a single passage and study it. No offense, but it's shocking to me the amount of Christians that jump all over me about this. Do we think that Jesus only read a chapter a day? Or any of the prophets? Also, I have gotten very far in a year. I wouldn't have dreamed in December 2012 that I would be where I am today. At a minimum wage job pushing carts and happy. Deep in my Bible daily and stepping up to be the man in Christ that I never imagined I would ever be.

    This isn't directly to you, but I may not have been clear in my original post. I didn't really know what I was typing out. I didn't know if it was going to be a testimony or a question about testimonies or something different. I am done with porn and I don't fantasize about that stuff anymore. Some days it's harder and my mind wonders a bit more before I catch it, but for the most part I feel healed of it. I won't lie and say that it isn't embarrassing still. Maybe that comes with maturity that I haven't gotten to yet.

    You guys are acting like I'm still deep in it or something :). I assure you it's been a long and difficult journey but I'm done with it. I ain't goin' back.
    Euphemia likes this.
  12. Brother, you are in good company!!. We are all in the same boat. :)
    When the flesh is lusting after the spirit, and the spirit against the flesh you can not do the things you want. Over coming these thoughts takes time as we all learn how to let the mind of Christ be in us. We are all experiencing the same things are you are, so don't feel you are alone in your struggles.

    1Co 1:26 For [simply] consider your own call, brethren; not many [of you were considered to be] wise according to human estimates and standards, not many influential and powerful, not many of high and noble birth.
    1Co 1:27 [No] for God selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is foolish to put the wise to shame, and what the world calls weak to put the strong to shame.
    1Co 1:28 And God also selected (deliberately chose) what in the world is lowborn and insignificant and branded and treated with contempt, even the things that are nothing, that He might depose and bring to nothing the things that are,
    1Co 1:29 So that no mortal man should [have pretense for glorying and] boast in the presence of God. (AMP)
  13. Hunting.. I think these are feelings every believer would face.. Probably the details are different for everyone.. I am sure the feelings are same..

    Galatians 2:20
    My old self has been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.

    This is the absolute truth.. The devil always tries to deceive us that it is not the truth.. He will always tempt us and incite with the same old bad things.. On occasions he will succeed in making us feel that we are still the same old.. But the Holy Spirit is will bring us back every time.. We have to resist the devil.. And keep reminded that we are a new creation.. The bridge to the past no longer exists.. The devil will try to make us believe the bridge is still there and it is a quick walk back.. But that is not the truth..
    God is Love, Euphemia and Huntingteckel says Amen and like this.
  14. I may be almost alone in my specific struggle, or at least in the way that only one person has told me that they have similar issues, but that's another story. Sin is sin and we all struggle against our flesh. I have come so far in such a short amount of time.

    The way I see it is my problem is similar to an alcoholic's problem. Even if you just have a little sip, you could still go back full swing from it. It only takes a little. Yeah, God would help you again if you asked, but you're still an alcoholic regardless of what God does because you can't drink alcohol.
  15. The power of the collective:

    The secular world, knows how to harness this power: insurance companies, banks, stock market, companies, conglomerates, military etc…

    James, Paul and the author of Hebrews asking others to pray for them: surely this verses shows they acknowledge the power of the collective.

    2 Thessalonians 3:1
    English Standard Version (ESV)
    Pray for Us
    3 Finally, brothers,[a] pray for us, that the word of the Lord may speed ahead and be honored,[b] as happened among you,

    Hebrews 13:18
    New International Version (NIV)
    18 Pray for us. We are sure that we have a clear conscience and desire to live honorably in every way.

    Ephesians 6:19
    New International Version (NIV)
    19 Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel,

    1 Thessalonians 5:25
    New International Version (NIV)
    25 Brothers and sisters, pray for us.

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