Separated but praying for reconciliation

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Faithful Joshua, Dec 4, 2014.

  1. Hey everyone. I'm writing this because I feel really beat down and discouraged. I never thought I would be experiencing this. My wife of 10 years has been having an affair off and on for nearly 4 years. For the past year she has been in and out wanting to make things work and seeming sincere and then she is saying she doesn't love me anymore.

    For the sake of the kids, who have to witness their mom come and go all the time, I talked to a lawyer about getting an order for separate maintenance and support so we would be legally separated and I would have child custody because their mother is not being responsible right now.

    When I told her what I was doing she told me that our youngest child (3) isn't even mine but she has always known was the man she has been having an affair with. I'm devastated if this is true and feel like I don't even know the woman I married.

    I never have believed in divorce. But is it worth trying to reconcile with someone who doesn't seem like she wants to change? I really feel alone right now.
  2. She divorced you when she committed adultery. It is the only grounds to leave the marriage Matt 5:32.

    God has someone better for you, move on immediately. You are wasting your good heart, emotions and time with her (casting pearl before swine).

    Interested to hear the dna results of the child.
  3. I disagree with this. Jesus only mentions once about divorcing due to adultery and this is to counter the Jewish leaders. The New Testament is all about forgiveness. He needs to forgive her and allow God to heal this relationship. The 3 year old has been his for 3 years and in Gods eyes he is the dad. Your advice is terrible on this.
  4. We will have to disagree then ;).

    The baby is 3, it will bond with the real father if dna says its not his.

    I will agree with you on forgiveness if it is a once off or even twice or three times. But not an affair. An affair is proof that her heart has moved on. She can never be trusted. There is nothing left to reconcile.
  5. Ohh brother.. You need lot of prayers. This is one of those things for which we can look at it and say right or wrong. Pray about it.

    Think through some of these Bible passages.. Look at book of Hosea.. Might sound very apt for your situation. And in New testament, Peter asks Jesus on how many times we should forgive others. Pretty much the answer from Jesus is, there is no limit! He gave a number which was as good as saying, there is no limit.

    You can pray for a heart that will forgive and be a witness to her. May be through you, she will come to the Lord. We never know. Or you may divorce her. Which will not put you in wrong. Because she is being unfaithful to you and you would be right to divorce her. But you might miss out an opportunity to be a witness to someone.

    Things are easily said than then.
  7. I am so sorry, Joshua. I, too, am suffering through the effects of infidelity. I recently discovered that my husband of 18 years was having an affair with another woman. Since, I have done nothing but read, read, read about infidelity in Christian marriages.

    I think you were right to see a lawyer in order to protect your children. Only you are there and can decide the answer, but a 4 year affair added to her uncommitted return efforts plus the hurtful admission that the 3 year old is not your biological child sounds like you should plan on building a life without her. Divorce is acceptable when there is infidelity; that is the one pass, King J is correct about that.
  8. I humbly disagree with this part. Christ is all about forgiveness. I can't look up the passage you mentioned because I'm driving in the rain, but I believe it also mentions, He allows divorce in that situation only because their hearts would be too hardened. If someone's heart is hardened, I think it's safe to say that heart is unforgiving.

    If someone is unforgiving the bible says,
    "if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."
  9. The verse states, Matthew 5:32 "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." While I agree that a marriage is something that we should indeed try everything we can to save, infidelity is extremely hard to overcome, and it doesn't sound like she even is that into trying. You, Joshua, asked, "Is it worth trying to reconcile with someone who doesn't want to change?" I gave you my answer. If you already have your mind made up, why did you ask? I wish you the best of luck.
  10. I was thinking of Mark 10:4-5
    They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied.

    Have you ever heard the story of Hosea and Gomer? Gomer slept around, but Hosea still loved her and forgave her. It has also been posited to be a parallel to the relationship between God and Israel. God continued to love the people of Israel even though they were unfaithful. Hosea continued to love Gomer even though she was unfaithful. Again, I think what God wants us to learn from the passage is forgiveness.
    LanceA likes this.
  11. I'm sorry about what's happening to you. If it were me in that situation I would pray and meditate to get guidance on what I should do. I do that for almost every big decision I have to make.
  12. God is with us even in the nasty decisions.

    I don't think He dictates what you should do.

    He directs and gives you peace about it. ONLY both you and God will know.

    After all He is the same God that puts life or death before you. He respects your will but has given us His Holy Spirit to confirm if we are on the right path or not - especially when everything seems to be going against that decision inspired by Him.

    Trust Him.
    Trust His leading.
    Trust His Holy Spirit.
    Fish Catcher Jim likes this.
  13. I agree with you. I was thinking of adultery in the affair / ongoing sin. The bible is clear that even if there is adultery we should try reconcile / we 'do better' to reconcile.

    There is a world of difference between someone committing a once off mistake VS continuing in it.
  14. He can forgive her and still understand that what they had is now broken.

    We are to suffer for the sake of others but I don't see how clinging to the legality of a marriage after years of adultery would help either of them or the child really. He could still be the father to the child of he so chose, but bringing it up in an unloving environment may do more harm than good.


    Faith in selfless Unity for Good.
  15. Oh wow. I didn't realize this was a two year old thread.


    Faith in selfless Unity for Good.
  16. :) Time flies
  17. Seems to be faster and faster these days as well. :sadness::D
    Have a great one
    KingJ likes this.

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