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Discussion in 'Humor' started by Dusty, Jan 21, 2008.

  1. Senility


    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
    'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
    'Two years older than me'
    'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

    She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    'And what do you think is the best thing
    about being 104?' the reporter asked.
    She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

    I've sure gotten old!
    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
    new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
    I'm half blind,
    can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
    take 40 different medications that
    make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
    Have bouts with dementia.
    Have poor circulation;
    hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
    Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
    Ha ve lost all my friends. But, thank God,
    I still have my driver's license.

    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
    so I got my doctor's permission to
    join a fitness club and start exercising.
    I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
    I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
    by the time I got my leotards on,
    the class was over.

    An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
    told her preacher she had two final requests.
    First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
    she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
    'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.

    'Why Wal-Mart?'
    'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

  2. (Continued )

    Know how to prevent sagging?
    Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

    It's scary when you start making the same noises
    as your coffee maker.

    These days about half the stuff
    in my shopping cart says,
    'For fast relief.'

    Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway,
    the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
    the eyesight to tell the difference.

  3. I knew a woman who drove and worked until she was 98, she retired after some members of the church encouraged her to stop driving (she drove like Mr. Magoo).

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