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Seeking God's Will, Seperation?

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by healing, Jun 11, 2013.

  1. I’m married to a somewhat decent guy (compared to my insane ex). He does not attend church but claims salvation.

    Our marriage has gone way downhill since he retired and is home every day. I admit he treats me bad because I allowed him to do it. I have come a long way in my healing. We have several problems that are not getting better.

    We wnet to Christian counseling 8 months ago and he promised a list of things he would change—he has not done one thing he promised.

    1. He is controlling and manipulating. He tries to make me feel everything is my fault. He complain all the time about tiny things like the order of lettuce on his sandwich.

    2. He expects me to do everything. He sits on the computer all day while yard and house fall apart. I run a business from home and do all cooking and cleaning.

    3. He is into porn—big time. I installed spyware on his computer (he still doesn’t know) He want me to sext and talk dirty on the phone when he is out of town and makes me sick.

    4. Last week I tracked him contacting woman from his high school the week before he went back to his hometown. I don't think anything has happened because I can see his emails.

    5. Parenting differences. We have pre-teens. I am strict and want to teach them to be responsible and eat healthy. He treats them more like a grandpop. Daily candy and fast food, video games and anything they want.

    It takes TWO PEOPLE trying to make a marriage work. If one does all the work and the other complains ---it will NEVER work. Every day I feel like he and the children are on one team and I’m on the other.

    The bottom line is HE DOES NOT APPRECTATE ME!!! My main goal in life is to be a Provebs 31 woman.
    I am an amazing, intelligent woman. I have overcome dozens of tragedies in my life and came out on top. I successfully run a business from home. I am a terrific cook (99% of people I cook for LOVE my food, he doesn't) and a good housekeeper. I am a wonderful, giving, caring, loving mother. I am a beautiful, sexy wife that he does not appreciate. (I have to say this because I didn't think so until therapy--but I really am, by biggest problem is letting people walk all over me).

    I'm at the point I want to separate myself from the emotional pain I experience daily. More than that—I want God’s will. I pray for both of us daily seeking an answer.
  2. Let me just say that God's will is for your marriage to be successful, no matter what it looks like right now. Trust me, I've been in worse shoes than the ones your wearing, and mine came out stronger on the other end. However, I'm well aware that it doesn't always work that way.

    God wants your marriage to work, to be happy and successful. He can and will make a way for that to happen, and He will move in your home in ways you can't even begin to imagine. However, as you pointed out, it takes both people wanting Him to do those things.

    You said you went to Christian counseling 8 months ago. By your choice of phrasing I'm assuming you don't anymore. How long did you go? Why did you stop?

    I'm trying to not get too long-winded here (I do that A LOT), so let me just offer a few brief points of advice.

    1.) Pray. Often. Period. Prayer is not something that we do on occasion. Prayer is not a verb, it's an adjective, something we need to constantly.

    2.) If you're sharing your struggle with anyone who tells you to leave, get away from them. This person is not your friend, and they have no idea what the Lord's will for marriage is.

    3.) If he won't go to counseling, then go by yourself. Ditto for going to church. Marriage is not 50/50. It's 100/100. But that means you have to be willing to go 100% of the way yourself if you have to, and in this case it looks like you have to. Commit to your marriage 10000000%, and to doing everything in your power to improve it. If you will do that with no hesitation, with no reservations, and no excuses, I promise you will be amazed at what the Lord will work in your life.

    4.) Even though it's tempting, do not put a time limit on seeing positive results. Remember it's God's timing. Not ours. In my own struggle, I spent 5 years in earnest prayer, and doing everything I could to be the husband I'm supposed to be before things finally turned for the better. Improving your marriage isn't easy, but to that I'll say three things - 1.) Show me just one of God's people in Scripture who had it easy. 2.) Show me one place in Scripture that says marriage, or life for that matter, is easy or fair. 3.) Nothing worth doing is ever easy.

    It may be a long road ahead, but you have to stay the course. Marriage isn't based on emotion. It's based on commitment. You have to wake up every day, and make the decision that you're going to do your best to make it work no matter what. You want God's will, and I think you already know God hates divorce.

    You're going to have to fight to get your marriage where you want it. I can guarantee you that. But I can also guarantee that your marriage is something worth fighting for. I want to encourage you to pick up a copy of The Love Dare. I can tell you from experience that it means what it says. It's one of the biggest reasons my own marriage survived. I'm praying hard for you in this, dear sister. No matter what, DON'T GIVE UP!!!

    Lord, I want to lift up my sister in Christ to you. Lord in the coming days and weeks, she's going to need courage, patience, wisdom, resilience, encouragement, and peace in her heart. Father I pray desperately that you will provide those things for her. Lord I've been in her shoes, but even I don't know her needs as well as you do. I ask in the mighty name of Jesus Christ that those needs would be met, and be met in such abundance Lord that they would trample all hopes and expectations. Lord open her husband's eyes and touch his heart, draw them to you, and begin the process of reshaping him into the man you want him to be. Call him so loudly and so profoundly Lord that he will have no choice but to answer. Lord shelter my sister's heart and her mind from the manipulations of the enemy, and from those he would use to tear this union apart. In the name of Jesus of Nazareth I bind those influences and banish them from this home. Father, carry my sister through this trial, and help her to keep her eyes fixed upon you as she moves forward. I ask these things in Jesus' name. Amen.
  3. It sounds to me like your husband has a two-fold problem: depression and immaturity.

    So you have to ask God to show you how to love your husband being the mature Christian wife setting an example in love.

    Love God first-and love your husband; though it sounds like you are on a difficult road. The best thing you can do is get local Church + Pastor support.

    I would like to tell you it will be easy and that there is an easy quick answer to your dilemma; but there isn't. As I just had couples counseling with my Pastor yesterday; the best thing to do is decide that you are going to love your husband when you wake up in the morning and pray the Lord give you wisdom in your minute by minute walk. Decide to be loving person in the relationship and let God handle the wrath of the what you feel is unjustified treatment towards your self. Let God deal with your husband....
  4. Thanks so much. I called and scheduled a visit to the councilor. I am in church.
    Here is the chat I found today:
    [10:06:30 PM] my hubby> Enjoyed your company this evening. It's rare when I get to participate in adult chat. Hope all works out OK with your daughter situation.
    [10:06:30 PM] single lady> Thanks ----, its hard to keep it together sometimes, especially since it just happened! It was great to finally meet you after all this time hearing (his daughter) talk about you! I enjoyed the evening too!
    [10:13:53 PM] my hubby> If I thought tomorrow would bring another evening like tonight, I'd stay for another day. I too went thru a similar issue with (his daughter)'s sister and while she's older than your daughter, as a parent, it hurts just as much.

    He was scheduled to come home this morning but he called and told me he is staying another night. :(
  5. I am a divorcee; my ex-wife found internet love while I was overseas. I understand the torment and pain.

    I will pray for you. God Bless.
  6. Interesting that he mentions finally having an "adult" conversation. Is it possible that he feels that you are talking to him as if he were a child? Being retired and not having a "purpose" for each day probably plays into this as well. Not that any of this excuses any of his behavior - he certainly seems on a self-indulgent bent. If you haven't already covered this ground with your counselor, it may be worth exploring.
  7. No, its becasue we have 9 children.
  8. Why did you discontinue counselling? From everything I'm reading, you desperately need counselling. Both of you, for the sake of your marriage and your sanity. My only advice is to go back to counselling and fight for your marriage. Again, both of you. One person cannot hold a marriage together by themselves.
    Rusty likes this.
  9. He needs to be confronted about this, and held accountable. This is not, however, something I would recommend you do by yourself. Ask your pastor, or perhaps another member of the church staff (definitely start with your pastor!) to come with you when he gets home to confront him with this.

    Even though I know it feels like you do sometimes, this is not something you have to do alone - any of it.

    And GOOD ON YOU!!! for getting an appointment so quickly! Let me encourage you not to let your marital issues blind you to the fact that you undoubtedly (after dealing with what you've dealt with) have some personal issues to work out for your own sake!

    I know you don't know me from Adam, as they say, but my heart is leaping for you at seeing a solid Christian stand up and act like one and actually do something in the face of affliction, rather than lay down like a soggy crumb and do nothing.

    "If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small." - Proverbs 24:10

    Your strength is great indeed. I will continue praying for you in this, dear sister. You're doing what needs to be done, and God never ignores that.
  10. RoninJedi likes this.

  11. Awesome! I will definitely give that a listen. Thanks for sharing that.

    Forgiving doesn't meant the same thing as forgetting, and remember that God would never ask us to do something that was psychologically impossible (with regards to love). The word "love" is not an emotion or noun in Scripture, it is a verb - an action. So we can act with love no matter what.

    Still praying, dear sister! Don't give up!
  12. I found a new chat message where he is meeting a lady for a drink. Sigh.

  13. Has he been confronted with any of this?
  14. No, I have not confronted him. I'm waiting until my meeting with my counselor Tuesday.

    His plan to meet to meet the woman is on a trip July 8. He just got back from a trip out of state where they had dinner. She is a friend of the family so he could try to justify it. But he goes to her Facbook page several times a day waiting for her to show up to chat. And now inviting her to meet for a drink on his next trip-- there is no justifying this.

    I'm also torn about confronting him. I need time to prepare finances in case he does what he usually does--talk his way out instead of admiting there is a problem. I want to make this work but if he doesn't admit there is a problem I'm prepared to seperate.
  15. It's been a few days since you've posted. How are things going?
  16. Went to the counclor. She suggested I tell him about the main things bothering me without revealing I know he's chatting online.
    Here’s how it went (paraphrased)
    1. Me: I am totally devoted to making this marriage work, if you are. I cannot do everything alone. I need to know if you are willing to make some compromises.
    2. Him: This is a marriage not slavery. If you want out just say so and you are free. Same for me.
    3. Me: I understand. I want this marriage to work. God wants it to work. Remember the week [your daughter}] was here and I didn’t speak up resulting in an argument. We need to talk about things bothering me now before it comes to a head.
    4. Him: Do we have to talk about it now. Does it require brain power?
    5. Me: I prefer now because the boys are not here and we are both calm.
    6. Him: OK
    7. Sex for me is between you , me and God. I do not feel comfortable with [some things he asked of me]
    8. Him: OK
    9. Me: Great! I would like to negotiate how we deal with money. We can do it several ways. I can do my business and you do household or we can do it toghter but I would like us both to be aware of all monies coming and going.
    10. Him: OK.
    11. Me: Great! I really appreciate that. Thirdly, I feel uncomfortable with you having new Facebook girl fans and going out of town. I would like us to handle it a way that makes me feel more comfortable.
    12. You mean I can’t have girl FB friends?
    13. No, I mean it upsets me that you added a girl to FB then had dinner with her at [your daughters] house. How would you feel if I had dinner with someone from FB.
    14. Him: You blowing this way out of proportion! I did not go to [daughters] house to have dinner with her.
    15. Me: I understand you didn’t go to daughters house to have dinner with her. But you did spend time with her at your daughter house so therefore I don’t feel comfortable with you spending a week at your brother’s house when some of you new friends and friends with your brother. [I did not tell him I know he plans on meeting a woman that week by spying on his computer]
    16. Him: Well then YOU have a problem. This is YOUR problem.
    17. Me: I do not have a problem. I have reason not to be concerned.
    19. Me: You are right, I don’t trust you. You snuck $600 to your dauhter and lied to me. You promised not to watch porn and then lied to me. I do not trust you.
    20. Him: We are not talking about this anymore. I need time to digest this.
    21. OK, but…
    22. Him: I said we are not talking about this more.
    23. I heard you, but I have something to say. I brought up three things. I could have brought up dozens but I only brought up things that are very important to me. We can negotiate how to handle but they are things that need to change. I have prayed about this.
    24. Him: I said we are not talking about this more.
    25. Fine. I said what I needed to say.
  17. Has he refused to go to a counselor with you? That conversation really would have been better with a mediator.
  18. Jesus worked well with the Law. He knew it well, He knew it's purpose, and so when speaking with the Pharisees, He often worked with their understanding of the Law. In talking about divorce, He did so within the Law. In one instance, He made the statement that Divorce is a violation of the law except in cases of adultery. In another, he said that divorce is unlawful in all cases (Matthew 19). What makes the second case so much more interesting is that He additionally described WHY divorce was unlawful. God does not desire for us to separate from our spouses. It is always a painful experience. I say, if a marriage can be saved, then let it be saved. We should not trivialize it. The situation that healing is facing here is truly heartbreaking. I'm amazed that she would even consider taking him back, but she is, and I think God can bless that decision. However, she should not take that journey alone or take it lightly.

    Healing, please speak with your husband. If he is sincere in his desire to return to you and be faithful, then he should be willing to offer the Covenant to God. As a couple, seek to be healed together. For your marriage to be successful, it will take more than just you hoping he straightens out. Some of us change, some of us don't. If he is willing to work, then I think that marriage should be preserved until it is no longer possible.
    Brother_Mike_V likes this.
  19. Moderator Note : I'm ending this side discussion on adultery and divorce now. We are SUPPOSED to be trying to help someone who is hurting. Deal with your disagreements on Scripture elsewhere or I will kick you out of this topic.
    LiveOutLouder and Brother_Mike_V say Amen and like this.
  20. I don't need to say anything more I have said enough. So you can keep this topic open, let the op read the opinions and choose for herself.

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