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Relationship With A Baptised, Christian Influenced But Not Born Again Person

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by nijikon, Oct 22, 2012.

  1. Hey everyone!

    There is this girl I'm attracted in. The attraction is possibly mutual. We've gone out dating for nearly 9 months. I'm pretty sure she is a non-Christian in the born again sense. Thus at the back of my mind, something is stopping me from proceeding further. As of a few minutes ago, she text me the following:

    "My God parents are Christians. They influenced me during primary school and my God brother sort of baptised me in tongue back then (I think it's around ten years.) I also went to a Christian secondary school"

    As far as I know, she doesn't go to church, doesn't read the bible and doesn't pray for the past few years. For all intended purposes, her Christian background is only limited to what she was influenced with, I would say the years before high school.

    Quick summary of me: 10 years Christian, about 6 years of taking the faith seriously. Weekly serving and attending church. Somewhat strong Christian morals. Would like Christian girlfriend. Seeks Godly council whenever possible.

    Okay, I KNOW that at a spiritual level, we are still unequally yoked. I'm not questioning that. What I am asking is whether there is a possibility of a relationship with this person given that she was at least influenced and sort of baptised in the past. Sounds like it'll be tricky business, but I need your views on what I can do next.

    At any rate, I'm about to pray to God in two minutes time.

    Thank you.

    Note: This comes from the author of the thread "Virgin Marrying Non-virgin ... Serious Opinion Needed". Due to the following being quite different from the former, I'll branched out to another thread.
  2. It is extremely tricky business. I'm in a similar situation in certain respects and trying to work my way through it now. There is always a possibility of having a relationship with someone who doesn't currently see eye to eye with you on religious issues. However, there is also always a possibility that you will date someone you see eye to eye with on religion and, after you're married, she changes her mind on a major issue. We have no guarantees in life or in dating . . . I suppose we just have to make the best decisions we can based on the information we have at hand.

    All that said, if she's got a Christian background, you may consider inviting her to a church service that you think she would enjoy. Her reaction may spark a good conversation on the issue and tell you what you need to know. If she goes, you may decide to continue to invite her. Before proceeding on a dating path, I would definitely find out whether she's a Christian. Do that first and then decide whether to date.

    Be honest with yourself about what you want out of a dating relationship...and marriage. Is she what you're looking for? If she is, and she's Christian, then pursue her. If she's a non-Christian or a wayward Christian, though, be extremely cautious in entering into a relationship with her. I say this from personal experience...being in a "missionary dating" relationship is not fun and causes a lot of stress to both people. I wouldn't advise it.

    Good luck to you!
  3. Hey Blane,

    Thanks for your comments. I'm replying early as these thoughts and considerations are fresh in my mind.
    Indeed, I am a stage in my life where the main intention of dating is marriage. After spending a good twice a week one to one outings since January of this year, my conclusion is that this girl is someone who will be a good girlfriend or wife and who is close to what I am looking for. All was left is the religious component that has since been raised just yesterday.
    My idea of missionary dating before meeting this girl and after hearing of her background still remains the same - I think it is a bad idea and I would probably never start a relationship with someone with the expectation that they'll convert. I lean towards the accepting the person as she is, Christian or non-Christian, born again or otherwise.

    That being said, yes, I am not in it to convert. Instead, I feel given this new information of her background of Christian influences, there will be a higher CHANCE that she will touched by God through my actions in the long run. Of course, it is assumed that I'll continue praying, going to church and that God ultimately initiates, not me.

    So, I'll take your advice on my next course of action, which is to invite her to my annual Christmas church service. I like how you recognize this as tricky business and that there are no guarantees in life. But granted life's randomness and the will of God, I would say I feel better with my chances with this girl after hearing what I've heared.

    Thank you.
  4. Nijkon, it really is a no-brainer.

    How can God send someone who is ''NOT His'' to you? If she does not serve the Lord by herself.....she is NOT from God.......it is either ours or the devils doing....

    She is in your witnessing circle not marriage circle! Blane is right to say only date someone you want to marry. Any other dating is really just wasting time and playing with fire. There is also the risk that she has been partially inoculated against Christianity (this means that you will be trying for plenty years to get her saved). Think about it. If she grew up with the knowledge of Jesus....why has she not accepted Him and serving Him...????
    Lifeasweknowit likes this.
  5. [quote="KingJ, post: 268408, member: 6674". Think about it. If she grew up with the knowledge of Jesus....why has she not accepted Him and serving Him...????[/quote]
    There are plenty of people around who have grown up as Christians, and even attended church every week for past 50 years but are spiritually dead, unfortunately in these decades gone by there has been a lack of double barrel in your face full on preaching of the basic Gospel message, ie accept Christ or go to Hell, so many people who think they are Christians or have a brief involvement with Christians have never heard it, so go along blissfully ignorant that they are not really a true born again Christian.

    NIjikon, you ahve already been given sound advice, what has The Lord said to you about the matter, the nagging doubts and other feelings often HOly SPirit prompting, but what if its other way around? What if this woman is for you, although she might not be a born again Christian now, she could well be if told the real truth. I would get someone else to witness to her as she might just play along to make you happy and fool you in order to marry you.

    I am not sure where my daughter stands with God, she is going through a hard spiritual battle and shows no real interest in God at this time, although she does come with me to church, but I do know that many young men fake their facebook profiles and pretend to be Christians in order to try to date her. SHe falls for people time and time again, but they only want one thing, which she dosnt give them, they then struggle keeping up even the basic pretence of being a Christian and then just end it after a few weeks.

    Anyway, its a rather difficult dilemma and I do not envy your situation, but end of day ask The Lord, also you could ask other people like a prayer partner to pray about the situation and see what god tells them about it.
  6. Hmmm ... rather contrasting views given by KingJ and Agricola. I respect both of them.

    Aside to KingJ, I feel that not enough credit is given to her being baptised and Christian influenced. While your

    has much truth in it, I believe it is dependent not so much on the spiritual level of the person deciding to date her, i.e. me, but rather the choice he has to make. In other words, I can or hope to be a spiritually strong person going into this if I choose to lower my expectations of the level of her Christianity. Indeed, there is a risk. However, I wouldn't classify this situation as playing with fire. That might have been the case with someone who is adverse against religion and has already shunned Jesus. This isn't the case here. You work with what you have and I feel that at least here, I have something - her pre high school exposure to Christ by her God parents.

    Aside to Agricola, your reply has given me a glimmer of hope though I'm quite confused with the example of your daughter. I thought about it through and I think I would not be the one to tell her the truth. There is just that emotional element between us two which I fear might cloud her judgement with. I certainly would love to get someone to minister to her. What make this tricky is, like mentioned above, I'll be doing some unnecessary balancing of things which I wouldn't have to do with someone more spiritually equal to me. Do I constantly invite her to church, do I discuss Bible with her, do I assign her a cell group, do I intentionally put a more presentable Christian front. (not a fan of that.)

    Regarding the example of your daughter, I don't see what about my situation you should be envious about. Believe me, I'm done with game posing myself as a Christian. Heck, I don't even introduce myself as a Christian when I meet girls.

    Ultimately, all I am saying is that there is a risk of the relationship not working out due to spiritual difference but now, this risk is less since I now know she has been exposed to Christ. I am going back again to God in prayer.

  7. You are fine with shades of grey rather then discerning light and darkness?

    You say you take faith seriously, what do you mean by that? What is done different to prior and why?

    Bottom line is, Jesus has a 'flock'. We are either in that flock or we are not. When we are in that flock, we spiritually witness with someone else from that flock. Jesus can ONLY send us someone from that flock. If we have ANY doubt about their love for Jesus...then they are SIMPLY NOT from that flock.

    Ask her if she love Jesus!! yes or no? If she doesn't know enough about Jesus to answer that (which according to your posts I doubt, but then I don't know her as you do) = witnessing circle and stepping back for a while as Agricola said.
  8. Hello KingJ,

    Thanks for your prompt reply. After sorting out some of my thoughts, here is what I have crystallized.

    So perhaps I should have loosen my definition of seriously when I used that to describe my faith. How about this, barring relationship with girls, I have always tried my best to use the Bible to guide my actions and words. Many have said this about me and if I would flash out certain decisions Christians have to make - big ones being God directing you to switch church or going to missions - one can argue that I've made the Godly decision. (I've also factored in all of us, including me, being sinners and needing God's grace. Works doesn't bring salvation. I know. :) )

    Now, pertaining to making a relationship decision, here is what I got.

    I agree with you that if I truly believe that I am in the flock, I should be in a relationship only with someone in the flock. The girl in question is not in the flock. What I am analysing and questioning is the risk involved in going into a relationship with this girl, someone who was baptised and has Christian influences.

    I have already discern light and darkness. If she had zero idea of Jesus or had shunned Him, then it is a clear no. This isn't the case here. Yes, this is a grey matter where it seems to me that the scales has tipped ever so slightly in the direction where it might be okay to go into a relationship with her.

    Couple this with hopefully my continual commitment and accountability to my church, I may have packaged a life which could actually work out - me taking my faith seriously, having this girl as my girlfriend and later wife and witnessing to her through my actions.
  9. Maybe, but I think at end of day KingJ and I are reading off the same page, only KingJ is a bit more blunt and to the point!

    The point I was making is that people will lie about anything and everything to get what they want.


    Lets get back to basics shall we.

    If a person has not accepted Jesus as thier saviour, they have not entered into that relationship with Him and they have not therefore been "born again" they are spiritually dead and are going to Hell. They have nothing in common with genuine born again beleivers. It dosnt matter if they come from a Christian family, or have been to church every week for past 40 years, they are still unbeleivers and dead.

    Being baptised does not get you into heaven or makes you a genuine beleiver, neither does doing penance or dutifully carrying out other rituals and ceremonies. The only thing that will get you into heaven is the blood of Christ , the accptance of Christ, his ressurection that he was the final sacrifice and that he is the Son of GOd etc. NOthing else.. Not anything at all.

    Read what Paul says in his second letter to the Corinthians , chapter 6 14-and 15
    14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial[b]? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?

    The opposite to believer is unbeliever. Marrying an unbeliever is a recipe for disaster, you even raise the issue yourself, will she still be willing to go to church? its more than that my friend, a true Christian marrige is one with God in the center, where husaband and wife live daily in serving God,

    Many people think that being a Christian is just following rules, but its not, its a relationship, they miss this point then abandon the church and Christianity as they find its too hard , tedious, boring and too much of a struggle and impact on their sinful Godless lives and declare themselves atheist.

    Fake Christians also find living out their lives playing at being a Christian difficult, they just play at church and do "good things" through the various groups and totally miss they are not in a relationship, when they come to do the things that a genuine believing born again Christian willing persue , Bible Study for example, day after day week after week, they will give up as well or find excuses not to do it.

    SO where am I going with this? I hope you already can see how that even fake Christians are totally opposite to genuine Christians, the dark and light Paul rights of, being unequally yoked with someone, no matter how good thier intentions are or their background, the relationship will be destroyed and 99 times out of a hundred the genuine born again Christian is turned and gives up.

    I like this analogy, as a Christian, stand on a chair, this is you in your marriage, now imagine your spouce is stood on the floor next to your chair, shes the unbeliever and spiritually dead person. Try pulling her up next to you on the chair, nearly impossible, but look how a little tug from her will send you down to her level. So it is with sin and actions of an unbeleiver. Demons will also use this to thier advantage and beleive me your life will quickly be very difficult.

    With a non-believer, your effectiveness for Christ will be reduced greatly, so she dosnt want to go to church one Sunday because its too boring or whatever and asks if you can spend the day with her as well, that's already hindrance. Arguments over how much time you devote to God and study, to us believers we willingly do it, hunger and thirst for the word and to be with our Lord, but to a non-believer spiritually dead person, this is just ritual and chore and a burden, one easily forgotten or stopped.

    IS this what you want from a relationship? Love is blindness, dont make the mistake of entering into a marriage with a spiritually dead person or fake Christian , your marriage will suffer as will your relationship and service to God.
    KingJ likes this.
  10. @ King J and Agricola

    Am just curious, we speak in all honesty and concern for each other here….

    I read somewhere that both of you are “speaking from experience”…

    Were you already a Christian before when you did have a relationship with a non-Christian before? …
    …. and what was your justification at that time?
  11. Aside to Aha, I get what you are saying. Nonetheless, regardless of whether their history includes a relationship with a non-Christian, something they are promulgating against, it is still worth while to learn from them. I still want to hear their answer to your question though.

    There isn't much to update between us two. For me, I am starting to learn that dating a non-Christian for fun without an intention to marry her can be quite a dangerous game. Call me guilty, but I am still going on dates with this girl. 70% is because it's fun and I like her and 30% is because I really want to see what is her view towards Christ. In conclusion, I don't exactly know how to proceed given these three things:

    1. I am really emotionally vested in her.

    2. She'll be very sad and upset should I just cut all ties with her.

    3. Still considering the possibility of a relationship / marriage eventhough she is an influenced not born again Christian.
  12. Hi Aha. I was with a girl that said she was a Christian but had both feet in the world. I tried to go to church and get married before temptation. No luck. Just years of wasted time, hurting God and hurting myself mentally, spiritually and financially. I started putting God first irrespective of her position. The church frequency and good Christian friends was just too much for her. She dumped me and went completeley 'off the rails'. I still pray for her. I thank God everyday that He delivered me!

    Anyone that enters a relationship with someone who they doubt LOVES Jesus, is nuts! Aha, you got LUCKY! ;)

    Truly sincere Godfearing people are a stone throw away from being born-again Christians.
  13. Thank you King J for your honest sharing. I guess this is what I fear the most - those who say that they are Christian, possibly attend church, but had both feet in the world.

    Pertaining to my case, I have a Christian influenced, baptised when she was a baby, girl who I really really like. I'll be lying to myself if I did not say that she is of the world.

    I can kind of imagine the pain you went through when you broke it off with that girl. As for me, I know what is the right thing. I'm just being silly thinking that the very small chance she'll be born again will pan out in the end.

    Would you say I confess to her and tell her how I feel or just cut the contact with her?
  14. Nijikon, you must cut ties until she can serve the Lord alone. Staying with someone that can't simply delays God sending us someone that loves Him. The other issue is, do we truly put the Lord first in our lives? I don't mean to insult, but with me, it was me that jumped the gun, not waiting on God to provide like He did with my current wife. Life is such a breeze witht the right person!! someone who loves Jesus!
  15. I understand and partially agree with what you are saying. Though I must say that it is a very difficult thing for me to do.

    How about the following. I'll go home tonight and make a small promise with God:

    I will continue to be this girl's friend, try my very best to be emotionally detached to her and never make any invitation to or conversation about church unless she prompts me. If this really is the girl for me, God will ultimately pull through and some how some way use her previous Christian influence to turn her towards Him. I'll use the "serve Christ alone" as an indicator for this.

    If it happens, I'll ask her to be my girlfriend. Boy, would that be a day of rejoicing for me. If it doesn't, I'll still my very best to trust God and know deep down that it's the best for me.

    It's funny really. I know God has the best plan at the best time. It's just that due to my own understanding, I can't fully commit myself to God's plan.
  16. You know, I just recalled something funny. That is, looking back at all my previous failed relationships, I somehow always thank God that it didn't work out.

    If based on my promise to God as stated above, this one works out, I know it's from God. If it doesn't work out, I know I'll in the future thank God that it didn't. Looking it from this angle, it seems that I have nothing to worry about if I trust God in this.
  17. Thanks…. although I see it not as “lucky” as in “lucky stars”… : )
    I see it as blessings…. a harvest of what you sow is what you reap…

    Of course!
    You have to tell her of what you believe in…. to be fair.

    Be fair with one another… a rephrase of the Golden rule.

    Reason is she might be considering that you will consider her even of her non-faith, and she is investing her time and emotion as well.

    Be careful of being unfair to people, especially people who are still lost….
    ……lost people are more closer to the Good Shepherd….
    ….. no need to tell parables… : ) they are! thus, be careful…

    On a related note:
    >look up divorce rate of Christian marriages.
    >look up on King David and Michal….

    In my opinion:
    Pray first to be a good Christian husband…. and then when you are, a good Christian wife…

  18. Aside to Aha, I still think that there are a few ways around this. I suppose that my confession would include the part of how she isn't a born again Christian, let alone know what that means, while I strive to be one.

    I guess I can see where you are coming from. It is unfair that I have this reason of us not being together while she might think is something else altogether. The problem here is that once I confess, it's almost surely guaranteed that I can't be in a relationship with her because I have just negated the chance of her discovering God herself. Makes sense?

    Alternatively, I back off a little from seeing her that often, say once a week to once in three weeks. Let us grow together as friends. Might risk losing her to another guy. But still leave it to chance that she'll ask me about God. With the advent of stuff like Facebook, it'll be easy for her to see via tagged photos that I'm quite a outreach person. And then just like how I would entertain any girl's request to visit my church, I would entertain her request if she made it herself to see what my church is all about.

    I must say that all this talk has made me draw closer to God. In particuarly to be absorb in the truth that If God did actually allow His son to be brutally murdered in the most horrific painful way on the cross for you and your wife, I shouldn't think for one moment that He is not going to be seeking to bless me and her.

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